Sweet Boy, I miss you!!!

Nicholas,
I am not sure I'm getting through this day so well either, sometimes I just wish I had a ticket to Paradise, somewhere anywhere, just where I could go and scream and cry as loud as I need, or to yell as loud as I need to, and just drain my mind and body of all the saddness, anger, fear, pain, grief, and LONGING that zaps my mind and body of all its got day after freaking day. Then I would like to go to a heart surgeon and have my heart put back together after being trampled on by more sorrow than any one Moma could ever imagine/ God Nick, my love for you is never-ending and forever growing, I can't touch you but I still feel you in my heart, I ache to feel you. Somwtimes I am overcome by this grief, and I feel like I can't breath, help me God, help me!!! Save me please from this what feels like a "slow death". Sometimes Nick I feel like if I got sooooooo high maybe I wouldn't come down and then I wouldn't have to KNOW my own pain of missing YOU- losing YOU, my flesh and blood, my handsome young son, my baby, my amazing boy.....Fuck !!!! I MISS YOU TERRIBLY TODAY, I fucking miss you terribly everyday, I have just learned to hide it so others can be okay. But when I am alone, or my bedroom door is shut I cry like a waterfall overflowing from the winter snow, it is ongoing and it never runs dry. Today I simply want NOTHING or NO ONE...but YOU. I miss you son, I miss you, God I miss you Nick, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, do you hear me??? I fucking miss you, I FUCKING MISS YOU NICK, I FUCKING MISS YOU, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you. I miss you. I love you more ~MOMA~