Hi Nicholas,
I miss you and love you son. I miss you so very much all the time, will it ever let up and will I ever begin another morning without tears and saddness???
We are going to the races in hermiston in a little bit and wanted to say hi before I left. I will write you later my sweet son, I love you I love you more ~moma~
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Hi my precious Nick
I miss you a lot today my boy. There have way too many deaths, our children are perishing and our babies are dieing before us and our hearts and guts are getting ripped out of our chests!!! I don't know if i can go to one more funeral this week. When I went to put flowers on Shelby's grave there was a new baby there, she was just a few minutes old before she passed. Ugh!!! Jess showed up, her and I greg and Journey visited for a few. She gave me the book "I love you more" by Laura Duksta. It tells the story from moma's point of view on how much more she loves him, then it tells the story of the boy and much more he loves her. It reads from front to center, flip the book and it reads from back to center. It is an amzing story of love...our love Nick. You were such a loving boy, everyone knew you had a heart of gold, but moma knew you had a heart as big as the ocean!
We just got back from Jordon's funeral. There were some mutual friends there, he was 18 son, and he died from a heroin overdose. Why lord, why our babies!!! my heart went out to the entire family, but especially his moma. I miss you so much Nick, I will always miss you, and long for you and your love in my life.
I will write you later my boy, I miss you, I miss you, I love you more ~moma~
We just got back from Jordon's funeral. There were some mutual friends there, he was 18 son, and he died from a heroin overdose. Why lord, why our babies!!! my heart went out to the entire family, but especially his moma. I miss you so much Nick, I will always miss you, and long for you and your love in my life.
I will write you later my boy, I miss you, I miss you, I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
June 02, 2009
Good morning my Nick,
I love you my son and miss you as always.
I sit all the time in such disbelief that you have been gone over 7 months. Then, I wonder how I haven't lost my mind for good. I cannot believe that we have come this far.
In the beginning I couldn't believe I could get THROUGH this. I realize I will never get over losing you and Shelby, but I just might make it THROUGH. My mind has played some tricks on me along the way, but I sort through everything the best I can. I know I can't get around it, or over it. I must go through it. Everyday is painstakingly hard. Everyday, my memory is improving, so much of the first 6 months has been a blur. I have 25 beautiful years of some of the most amazing and happiest times in my life. One that I am most proud of is "YOU" making me a moma for the very first time.
Another one is, me having the honor and pleasure of being your moma. I was so much more than blessed, I was blessed beyond any kind of expectation of what you were gonna be like, look like and grow up to be. You made me proud Nick. You were a great son.When I was 3 months pregnant I came down with the chicken pox. I don't remember having them as a child. When I told my moma I had then she confirmed that I never did come into contact with them as a child. It was so miserable having those things all over my body. but what scared me the most was this, it was very dangerous for the baby in the first trimester to have that. Everything ended up being just fine. You were so healthy. I woke your Daddy up at 4am and said I think it's time. I remember the whole week before that morning how I had cleaned and cleaned that house as they say you do when your ready to have a baby. They call it "nesting". So, off to the hospital we went. you were 2 weeks late according to the dr's, but you were right on time for us. you were born at 4:10 in the afternoon. you were 8 lbs even and 19 1/2 in. long. In your very first hospital picture both of your eyes were open and both of your fists were up near your face. You were so alert and you were happy to be here. I was 19 and a few months when you came along. All I knew at that time was "YOU" were perfect. You were Healthy, Alert,and Beautiful, AND you were mine. As you grew you were even happier, even more beautiful and smart. You played well and slept well. You were an excellent baby. My beautiful first born. I was indeed blessed by your life Nick, a gazillion times over. You were and always have been "so full of life". That is and probably will always be one of the most difficult aspects of your death, you ended things. However, I know a part of you was already gone the day your Butterfly flew away. I know you felt as if there was nothing to live for, I felt it too with you. Even though we have so many others that we love and that love us, we do feel alone. I know you felt like your heart was being torn out of your chest one little fiber at a time. I still feel that way. I know you were angry. I know you were devastated beyond belief. I know you were angry with God, yourself and the world. I was too. I know you were broken in a way that NOTHING or NO ONE could fix...NOT EVEN ME. Even though I tried, and tried and tried, I couldn't save you. I never gave up and I never stopped trying. I'm sorry Nicholas that you had to experience such pain in your life, it wasn't fair and nothing about it seems right, not even today. Here you were with this beautiful family and one day it all came crashing down. Everything that you and jess had built up to that point was so beautiful, and then suddenly it was just gone. I will never understand that...ever!!! I am so very greatful that you got experience the most amazing feeling in the world. That got to experience the miracle and birth of "your" child. To touch and to hold your very own child in your arms, and to feel their love for you instantly. You experienced that pure, unconditional, innocent love of your very own baby. You were an amazing Daddy to ShelbyPaige Nick. Why she had to leave, why you followed...I will never know.
I will see you again my sweet precious son, in Heaven some day. I miss you so very much son. I will write you later. I miss you I love you more ~moma~
Good morning my Nick,
I love you my son and miss you as always.
I sit all the time in such disbelief that you have been gone over 7 months. Then, I wonder how I haven't lost my mind for good. I cannot believe that we have come this far.
In the beginning I couldn't believe I could get THROUGH this. I realize I will never get over losing you and Shelby, but I just might make it THROUGH. My mind has played some tricks on me along the way, but I sort through everything the best I can. I know I can't get around it, or over it. I must go through it. Everyday is painstakingly hard. Everyday, my memory is improving, so much of the first 6 months has been a blur. I have 25 beautiful years of some of the most amazing and happiest times in my life. One that I am most proud of is "YOU" making me a moma for the very first time.
Another one is, me having the honor and pleasure of being your moma. I was so much more than blessed, I was blessed beyond any kind of expectation of what you were gonna be like, look like and grow up to be. You made me proud Nick. You were a great son.When I was 3 months pregnant I came down with the chicken pox. I don't remember having them as a child. When I told my moma I had then she confirmed that I never did come into contact with them as a child. It was so miserable having those things all over my body. but what scared me the most was this, it was very dangerous for the baby in the first trimester to have that. Everything ended up being just fine. You were so healthy. I woke your Daddy up at 4am and said I think it's time. I remember the whole week before that morning how I had cleaned and cleaned that house as they say you do when your ready to have a baby. They call it "nesting". So, off to the hospital we went. you were 2 weeks late according to the dr's, but you were right on time for us. you were born at 4:10 in the afternoon. you were 8 lbs even and 19 1/2 in. long. In your very first hospital picture both of your eyes were open and both of your fists were up near your face. You were so alert and you were happy to be here. I was 19 and a few months when you came along. All I knew at that time was "YOU" were perfect. You were Healthy, Alert,and Beautiful, AND you were mine. As you grew you were even happier, even more beautiful and smart. You played well and slept well. You were an excellent baby. My beautiful first born. I was indeed blessed by your life Nick, a gazillion times over. You were and always have been "so full of life". That is and probably will always be one of the most difficult aspects of your death, you ended things. However, I know a part of you was already gone the day your Butterfly flew away. I know you felt as if there was nothing to live for, I felt it too with you. Even though we have so many others that we love and that love us, we do feel alone. I know you felt like your heart was being torn out of your chest one little fiber at a time. I still feel that way. I know you were angry. I know you were devastated beyond belief. I know you were angry with God, yourself and the world. I was too. I know you were broken in a way that NOTHING or NO ONE could fix...NOT EVEN ME. Even though I tried, and tried and tried, I couldn't save you. I never gave up and I never stopped trying. I'm sorry Nicholas that you had to experience such pain in your life, it wasn't fair and nothing about it seems right, not even today. Here you were with this beautiful family and one day it all came crashing down. Everything that you and jess had built up to that point was so beautiful, and then suddenly it was just gone. I will never understand that...ever!!! I am so very greatful that you got experience the most amazing feeling in the world. That got to experience the miracle and birth of "your" child. To touch and to hold your very own child in your arms, and to feel their love for you instantly. You experienced that pure, unconditional, innocent love of your very own baby. You were an amazing Daddy to ShelbyPaige Nick. Why she had to leave, why you followed...I will never know.
I will see you again my sweet precious son, in Heaven some day. I miss you so very much son. I will write you later. I miss you I love you more ~moma~
Monday, June 1, 2009
Good morning Nick
Hi Sweet boy,
I miss you for, I'll miss you for as long as I am alive!!!
I'm meeting with your Dad in a bit then I need to run some errands. So, I will write you later. I just wanted to tell you
I love you more
~moma~
I miss you for, I'll miss you for as long as I am alive!!!
I'm meeting with your Dad in a bit then I need to run some errands. So, I will write you later. I just wanted to tell you
I love you more
~moma~
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Good morning son.
I miss you Nick, I love you.
Today we are helping Journey build a log cabin out of the sticks and branches from our big willow out front for her History project due Tues. You know Greg and Lloyd really enjoy doing things like that. It's gonna look cool.I miss you sweet boy.
I was thinking the other day how much I miss hearing you call Journey Harry and seeing her reaction. You know she loved it but hated it when you called her that. It was your special name for your sissy. She misses it too :(. I miss hearing you call Greg Franky. I know he misses it too. We just miss the hell out of you son.
I will write you later honey. I miss you to ends of the earth...there is no end but a continuious circle, never ending and always growing. I miss you I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you Nick, I love you.
Today we are helping Journey build a log cabin out of the sticks and branches from our big willow out front for her History project due Tues. You know Greg and Lloyd really enjoy doing things like that. It's gonna look cool.I miss you sweet boy.
I was thinking the other day how much I miss hearing you call Journey Harry and seeing her reaction. You know she loved it but hated it when you called her that. It was your special name for your sissy. She misses it too :(. I miss hearing you call Greg Franky. I know he misses it too. We just miss the hell out of you son.
I will write you later honey. I miss you to ends of the earth...there is no end but a continuious circle, never ending and always growing. I miss you I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
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