Saturday, November 21, 2009
Hi Nicky
Hi Sweet boy,
I miss you Nicholas James Devine,
I miss my handsome boy, your beautiful hazel eyes, your smile, and your laugh. I miss your amazing sense of humor and the way you always made me laugh and smile. You were so stinkin cute, you just had a way about you that made people fall in love with you!
I went to visit your garden yesterday, and it was kinda lonely. The winter brings a different element to the garden, like it's lonely, cold, and still, quiet in a way. but, I still visit cause I like to talk to you there, I feel safe free, free to talk about anything and everything with you, kiss your picture, bring you gifts and listen to music that I have downloaded on my phone. besides i have to make sure it stays clean and free from all the leaves and dirt that fly in from the winds of the Tr-cities. i will never stop taking care of your garden...it is beautiful.
i have been doing laundry today and trying to motivate myself to start your scrap book. That will be tough to get started, but once I get going it will be another piece of the puzzle on my journey to healing. Someday I will write a book, I know I will. It's just a matter of having all the pieces to the puzzle and then putting pen to paper. First I am gonna see Greg and Journey off to college though, then I will have a lot of time to pour into my book. Right now I want to give Greg and Journey all of me, my love, attention, time and effort, they deserve that much.
I love you son and think of you all day everyday still.
Today Jess had to put Roxy down! It was a sad day, one more piece or reminder of you. She was acting out though in dangerous ways. She hurt Sam pretty good and drew blood...she is not the same. She is buried at Jessie's parents home in Finley, so we can visit her anytime. She started acting up ever since you passed. She really missed you Nick. She was YOUR dog without a doubt.
I will write you later my son. I miss you beyond words, always
i love you more ~moma~
I miss you Nicholas James Devine,
I miss my handsome boy, your beautiful hazel eyes, your smile, and your laugh. I miss your amazing sense of humor and the way you always made me laugh and smile. You were so stinkin cute, you just had a way about you that made people fall in love with you!
I went to visit your garden yesterday, and it was kinda lonely. The winter brings a different element to the garden, like it's lonely, cold, and still, quiet in a way. but, I still visit cause I like to talk to you there, I feel safe free, free to talk about anything and everything with you, kiss your picture, bring you gifts and listen to music that I have downloaded on my phone. besides i have to make sure it stays clean and free from all the leaves and dirt that fly in from the winds of the Tr-cities. i will never stop taking care of your garden...it is beautiful.
i have been doing laundry today and trying to motivate myself to start your scrap book. That will be tough to get started, but once I get going it will be another piece of the puzzle on my journey to healing. Someday I will write a book, I know I will. It's just a matter of having all the pieces to the puzzle and then putting pen to paper. First I am gonna see Greg and Journey off to college though, then I will have a lot of time to pour into my book. Right now I want to give Greg and Journey all of me, my love, attention, time and effort, they deserve that much.
I love you son and think of you all day everyday still.
Today Jess had to put Roxy down! It was a sad day, one more piece or reminder of you. She was acting out though in dangerous ways. She hurt Sam pretty good and drew blood...she is not the same. She is buried at Jessie's parents home in Finley, so we can visit her anytime. She started acting up ever since you passed. She really missed you Nick. She was YOUR dog without a doubt.
I will write you later my son. I miss you beyond words, always
i love you more ~moma~
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sweet Dreams sweet boy,
I love you endlessly, I miss you Immenesly, I love you and miss you so much.
Gonna say good night sweet boy.
I love you more ~moma~
Gonna say good night sweet boy.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi my Beautiful Boy
Hi my Handsome Nick,
I miss you all day everyday son. I know I will never get over missing you.
I love you so much Nick and I miss everything about you. Your Beautiful Hazel Eyes, your Beautiful curly auburn hair, your Beautiful smile, your voice, your big bear moma hugs and most of all your love.
It's raining out again, I love the rain and I think of you a lot when it rains...I don't know why, other than it is so beautiful and maybe that's why I think of you, because you are so beautiful too. I think more about your life these days, more than your death, but I still can't believe you are not here with me. Will I ever really be able to believe 100 % that you aren't here??? NO!!!
In so many ways you are still here with me, with us. How could I ever forget you...I can't. It is an impossible feet.
I spend most of my days inside lately, it is where I feel safe, hidden from the cruel world outside that expects me to 'Get over it" as if I ever will. Those who have never lost a child and more specific to suicide will NEVER understand. I wish every single person in life had to take a class on suicide to understand those who mourn this unique loss. I want to shout from the roof tops everyday " MY SON IS DEAD, HE TOOK HIS LIFE AND YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND MY HEART" and I pray to God that the ignorant, heartless people will never have to go through this wilderness of unfathomable grief and agony, as so many of us do. I am changed for life..... forever changed. I am learning to have a certain TOLERANCE for people who just don't get it... but it's so damn hard son, I just want to punch them out. Some people are just clueless, others simply don't listen and others...well they are too busy or simply just dont care. They didn't understand YOUR pain and anguish, and they don't understand MINE. I just hope through all of this more people get educated about DEPRESSION, it is an Illness that IS Treatable and Preventable. So many people suffer every single day from the mental BS that goes on their heads. It is atrocious and appalling. I think this is what angers me the most. That it is preventable and you could still be here, along with the 33,000 others who take their own life everyday. I can get past ignorant people, selfish people stupid people unloving people....but I struggle with an illness that can be treated and is missed every year by thousnds. Now that is some venting!!!!!
There are a few people I will never forgive for their actions.....or lack thereof!!! They know who they are. THESE ARE MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, I have many more trust me, but they are MINE, you are MY son, some just don't understand MY pain...and I pray to God they never do. Oh, I know son forgiveness is not for them but for me, for my healing and ability to try and move on in this life without my Nick. I still think there were other options to get you the help you needed, and to show you in your darkest hour that you could hold on for one more minute, hour, day... that this would pass. Especially when I couldn't be there to help you...save you from yourself. I am angry, I am so damn angry not so much at them or God but because you are GONE, and I believe in my heart, more could have been done. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it doesn't mean they are hurting too, or for that matter have some of the same thoughts that I do...the "what if's", the "could of should of's", the "why didn't I..." That is part of the pain, acknowledging that WILL be HAS to be a part of my healing process. No-one No-one has the F------- right to tell me how I ought to or should feel think or live...ON-ONE!!!!!
I miss you incomprehensibly. There are no human words to describe my ongoing pain in my head, my body, my heart. Today I am Angry. I don't need or want one stupid ass person telling me what I should or shouldn't feel or think unless they themselves have walked in my shoes. They don't have a F------ clue...none. You know how I will know the difference. Those who have walked in my shoes would NEVER tell me to do, be, or think anything than what I am already doing, they would BE HERE for me to really listen. They DO understand my thoughts, my ANGER, my pain. They are mom's and Dad's who have been there are there and are turning their pain into helping others. Thank you POS. I am where I am and thank God for POS (parents of suicide) and SOS ( survivors of suicide). They are my new family of love, understanding and compassion and allow me to be me, and help me through this world of bewilderment and wilderness. To say ANYTHING I NEED to, want to have to. I love these people, they are my family. I thank God for them everyday that I found them. Thank you Lord. They have become my saving grace. One painful, angry, hurt, lonely, anguished day at a time.
Tomorrow I will join thousands on The National Survivors of Suicide Day conference. I am looking forward to it. Afterward there is an open chat room to discuss our children what we learned and took away from it, it is open all day and night.
Nicholas, please come see me in my dreams tonight. I miss you and love you baby so much.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you more son, forever more.
I luv luv you more ~moma~
I miss you all day everyday son. I know I will never get over missing you.
I love you so much Nick and I miss everything about you. Your Beautiful Hazel Eyes, your Beautiful curly auburn hair, your Beautiful smile, your voice, your big bear moma hugs and most of all your love.
It's raining out again, I love the rain and I think of you a lot when it rains...I don't know why, other than it is so beautiful and maybe that's why I think of you, because you are so beautiful too. I think more about your life these days, more than your death, but I still can't believe you are not here with me. Will I ever really be able to believe 100 % that you aren't here??? NO!!!
In so many ways you are still here with me, with us. How could I ever forget you...I can't. It is an impossible feet.
I spend most of my days inside lately, it is where I feel safe, hidden from the cruel world outside that expects me to 'Get over it" as if I ever will. Those who have never lost a child and more specific to suicide will NEVER understand. I wish every single person in life had to take a class on suicide to understand those who mourn this unique loss. I want to shout from the roof tops everyday " MY SON IS DEAD, HE TOOK HIS LIFE AND YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND MY HEART" and I pray to God that the ignorant, heartless people will never have to go through this wilderness of unfathomable grief and agony, as so many of us do. I am changed for life..... forever changed. I am learning to have a certain TOLERANCE for people who just don't get it... but it's so damn hard son, I just want to punch them out. Some people are just clueless, others simply don't listen and others...well they are too busy or simply just dont care. They didn't understand YOUR pain and anguish, and they don't understand MINE. I just hope through all of this more people get educated about DEPRESSION, it is an Illness that IS Treatable and Preventable. So many people suffer every single day from the mental BS that goes on their heads. It is atrocious and appalling. I think this is what angers me the most. That it is preventable and you could still be here, along with the 33,000 others who take their own life everyday. I can get past ignorant people, selfish people stupid people unloving people....but I struggle with an illness that can be treated and is missed every year by thousnds. Now that is some venting!!!!!
There are a few people I will never forgive for their actions.....or lack thereof!!! They know who they are. THESE ARE MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, I have many more trust me, but they are MINE, you are MY son, some just don't understand MY pain...and I pray to God they never do. Oh, I know son forgiveness is not for them but for me, for my healing and ability to try and move on in this life without my Nick. I still think there were other options to get you the help you needed, and to show you in your darkest hour that you could hold on for one more minute, hour, day... that this would pass. Especially when I couldn't be there to help you...save you from yourself. I am angry, I am so damn angry not so much at them or God but because you are GONE, and I believe in my heart, more could have been done. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it doesn't mean they are hurting too, or for that matter have some of the same thoughts that I do...the "what if's", the "could of should of's", the "why didn't I..." That is part of the pain, acknowledging that WILL be HAS to be a part of my healing process. No-one No-one has the F------- right to tell me how I ought to or should feel think or live...ON-ONE!!!!!
I miss you incomprehensibly. There are no human words to describe my ongoing pain in my head, my body, my heart. Today I am Angry. I don't need or want one stupid ass person telling me what I should or shouldn't feel or think unless they themselves have walked in my shoes. They don't have a F------ clue...none. You know how I will know the difference. Those who have walked in my shoes would NEVER tell me to do, be, or think anything than what I am already doing, they would BE HERE for me to really listen. They DO understand my thoughts, my ANGER, my pain. They are mom's and Dad's who have been there are there and are turning their pain into helping others. Thank you POS. I am where I am and thank God for POS (parents of suicide) and SOS ( survivors of suicide). They are my new family of love, understanding and compassion and allow me to be me, and help me through this world of bewilderment and wilderness. To say ANYTHING I NEED to, want to have to. I love these people, they are my family. I thank God for them everyday that I found them. Thank you Lord. They have become my saving grace. One painful, angry, hurt, lonely, anguished day at a time.
Tomorrow I will join thousands on The National Survivors of Suicide Day conference. I am looking forward to it. Afterward there is an open chat room to discuss our children what we learned and took away from it, it is open all day and night.
Nicholas, please come see me in my dreams tonight. I miss you and love you baby so much.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you more son, forever more.
I luv luv you more ~moma~
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Hi sweet Nick
Hi baby,
I miss you sweet son, I miss you so damn much!!!
You know what Nick, I hate depression, desperation,despair, anguish, grief, and all that mental bull----. Why can't we help those who deal with these issues, why why why. So many of you are gone because of them. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I am so damn angry with them. They took my baby YOU away from me. I know you didn't want to die son, you only wanted all the anguish and urgency = desperation, and pain to leave you. I know that son. I know you called 911 in hopes they would find you and help you...only it was too late, how??? How could your Aunt get you drunk and deny you, how??? How could your Aunt and Uncle kick you out at 4 am, how??? Why didn't anyone think to call the police for help, hellllloooo. Shit, your Dad even stopped looking for you, how??? I'm pissed at him too. How could he leave you, how could he??? Damn it son, I am so damn mad. Thanks a lot people!!! It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to turn out this way. It should have NEVER ended this way, NEVER.
I miss you beyond belief...beyond belief.
i have had a very rough week, I am just gonna go to sleep, I don't want to think or feel right now, it hurts, it makes me very angry and I can't really think of anything or anyone else right now. I'm having a hard time just getting into the shower and brushing my teeth lately. I don't even care. My temper is explosive, my thoughts are crazy and my mood is low.
I want to kiss you so bad Nicholas James, I want to hug you and see your face, I want you, I want you, I want you!!!!
I love you, I love you more and more everyday your gone it seems to just get tougher and tougher.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you sweet son, I miss you so damn much!!!
You know what Nick, I hate depression, desperation,despair, anguish, grief, and all that mental bull----. Why can't we help those who deal with these issues, why why why. So many of you are gone because of them. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I am so damn angry with them. They took my baby YOU away from me. I know you didn't want to die son, you only wanted all the anguish and urgency = desperation, and pain to leave you. I know that son. I know you called 911 in hopes they would find you and help you...only it was too late, how??? How could your Aunt get you drunk and deny you, how??? How could your Aunt and Uncle kick you out at 4 am, how??? Why didn't anyone think to call the police for help, hellllloooo. Shit, your Dad even stopped looking for you, how??? I'm pissed at him too. How could he leave you, how could he??? Damn it son, I am so damn mad. Thanks a lot people!!! It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to turn out this way. It should have NEVER ended this way, NEVER.
I miss you beyond belief...beyond belief.
i have had a very rough week, I am just gonna go to sleep, I don't want to think or feel right now, it hurts, it makes me very angry and I can't really think of anything or anyone else right now. I'm having a hard time just getting into the shower and brushing my teeth lately. I don't even care. My temper is explosive, my thoughts are crazy and my mood is low.
I want to kiss you so bad Nicholas James, I want to hug you and see your face, I want you, I want you, I want you!!!!
I love you, I love you more and more everyday your gone it seems to just get tougher and tougher.
I love you more ~moma~
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hi sweet boy
I don't feel good again today son.
I miss you..........I simply miss you.
No one, but another parent can ever understand my longing for you. Nick you are in heaven with all of these kids, of all the parents I have met on POS and SOS. There are thousands of us (grieving POS's) all over the world. I have been leaning on the support group (on line) for a couple days now, hoping their love and support will carry me through to the light at the end of this dark tunnel. The tunnel of "bewilderment".
Nick, maybe tonight as I rest you can come see me son?!
I love you endlessly.
I love you more forevermore~
Your moma forever and ever~
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you..........I simply miss you.
No one, but another parent can ever understand my longing for you. Nick you are in heaven with all of these kids, of all the parents I have met on POS and SOS. There are thousands of us (grieving POS's) all over the world. I have been leaning on the support group (on line) for a couple days now, hoping their love and support will carry me through to the light at the end of this dark tunnel. The tunnel of "bewilderment".
Nick, maybe tonight as I rest you can come see me son?!
I love you endlessly.
I love you more forevermore~
Your moma forever and ever~
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Hi Nicholas
Hi my beautiful Nick,
I love you Nicholas James...you are always on my mind.
I have stuck close to home again today. I pray for a better day tomorrow.
I'm just making it through the day, somehow, some way. I am so tired today.
The house is a mess, I haven't started dinner and I need to get moving, no energy after 3 e-2. UGH!!!
I love you and miss you Nick. I really miss you. I will always miss you.
I will write you later son. All my love hugs and kisses forever,
I love you more ~moma
I love you Nicholas James...you are always on my mind.
I have stuck close to home again today. I pray for a better day tomorrow.
I'm just making it through the day, somehow, some way. I am so tired today.
The house is a mess, I haven't started dinner and I need to get moving, no energy after 3 e-2. UGH!!!
I love you and miss you Nick. I really miss you. I will always miss you.
I will write you later son. All my love hugs and kisses forever,
I love you more ~moma
Monday, November 16, 2009
Beautiful Boy
Hi my Nicholas James,
I Miss you!!!
I swear son, your suicide is heart wrenching to say the least. I think I'm moving ahead a few steps and a tidal wave, NO, a tsunami comes out of nowhere and I find myself struggling to stay afloat all the memories trying to drowned me again, and there is no life preserver to grab onto. Like a tsunami my thoughts and emotions are unrelenting, powerful and damaging.
My goal this week Nick is to learn all that I can about suicide. The more I know about it the better I will understand how such an atrocity can occur over 33,000 times EVERY year!!! How You Nick my beautiful boy would die of such a brutal unprejudiced death.
I need to understand. I want to understand. I must understand, to heal my angry broken, aching heart and mind. Yet the more I learn the more angry I get at suicide the disease, the mental illness, the unfair torment of your mind and soul. It is relentless, painful and cunning. It is baffling, powerful and fleeting. It seems to come and mess things up in a matter of minutes and then it subsides until it returns, and it always returns. You don't know your brain is sick, you only know you hurt and that you want it to stop and that it seems there is no relief in sight. I didn't know how to help you, even if I did would you have accepted it or believed me?! I don't know...I don't know!!!
I only know that it brings on more anger the more I learn and at the same time it brings a degree of relief, however brief. I guess that's the way it's gonna go, big doses of pain and agony followed by small temporary doses of healing and relief.
I want the grief to STOP...but it won't.
I miss you so much my precious son, my Nick my Nick, how I long for you always.
I love you more than love could ever love another human being.
Good night son, sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~
I Miss you!!!
I swear son, your suicide is heart wrenching to say the least. I think I'm moving ahead a few steps and a tidal wave, NO, a tsunami comes out of nowhere and I find myself struggling to stay afloat all the memories trying to drowned me again, and there is no life preserver to grab onto. Like a tsunami my thoughts and emotions are unrelenting, powerful and damaging.
My goal this week Nick is to learn all that I can about suicide. The more I know about it the better I will understand how such an atrocity can occur over 33,000 times EVERY year!!! How You Nick my beautiful boy would die of such a brutal unprejudiced death.
I need to understand. I want to understand. I must understand, to heal my angry broken, aching heart and mind. Yet the more I learn the more angry I get at suicide the disease, the mental illness, the unfair torment of your mind and soul. It is relentless, painful and cunning. It is baffling, powerful and fleeting. It seems to come and mess things up in a matter of minutes and then it subsides until it returns, and it always returns. You don't know your brain is sick, you only know you hurt and that you want it to stop and that it seems there is no relief in sight. I didn't know how to help you, even if I did would you have accepted it or believed me?! I don't know...I don't know!!!
I only know that it brings on more anger the more I learn and at the same time it brings a degree of relief, however brief. I guess that's the way it's gonna go, big doses of pain and agony followed by small temporary doses of healing and relief.
I want the grief to STOP...but it won't.
I miss you so much my precious son, my Nick my Nick, how I long for you always.
I love you more than love could ever love another human being.
Good night son, sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi son
I love you...I miss you!
Another rough night Nick, I couldn't fall asleep without aid last night.
I will write you later after I get some rest.
I miss you terribly!
I love you more ~moma~
Another rough night Nick, I couldn't fall asleep without aid last night.
I will write you later after I get some rest.
I miss you terribly!
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Hi my Beautiful Boy
Yellow, the ribbon color of Suicide.
Hi baby, I miss you.
Wow I have so much on my heart today.
I had a very rough night last night! I was just thinking about you, your life and how very unfair things got for you regarding Shelby. The past 2 days I have been researching Suicide. It's so cruel, misunderstood, and under researched. The stigma that society has with suicide is very ugly. It just goes to show how uneducated we as a society are. Most of us were raised up with our parents beliefs and knowledge of what they were taught and so on. 40 years ago we didn't know much, just that people were killing themselves, and they must be crazy! Well, that's not all of it. Today we know that suicide is not just someone going crazy or having a bad day. Suicide will not stop and will not go away by ignoring it, In the past 10-15 years there has been a better awareness of the number of deaths by suicide. It is astronomical. Through research we have begun to understand why otherwise educated happy, loved, people of all age, race, and gender would actually think in their darkest hour that the way out was by taking their own lives. People who take their lives don't want to die as I know Nick you didn't. They, YOU Nick, just wanted the PAIN to stop. You didn't know or see another way, or believe there was anyone or anything that could help you... that's hopelessness:( In the U.S. alone, every 15 minutes someone completes suicide. That's 4 people every hour, and nearly 100 deaths every day. This is an atrocity. The number of people dieing everyday is staggering. Considering suicide (depression)is a treatable condition and is a PREVENTABLE death. There is no cure for suicide, but there is help (by identifying the underlying suicide risk and treating it )available for our loved ones.
Nick, I know now "WHY" you went away. I know. I understand, and because I fully understand it does help, but it also hurts. It hurts to know that you HURT THAT MUCH!!! I can say you did commit suicide, I have never denied that, but I can say it with complete compassion, without guilt, shame or blame. I know you died of a broken heart after losing your baby. I know that you died of Extreme Hopelessness, Deep Despair, and Major Depression. I bawled my eye balls out last night son, because my heart hurt for you KNOWING what you felt and thought. I had a real good cry with the new insight. Oh man did it hurt to know, to really know your pain son. No wonder it has hurts so much, when our children suffer...we as mothers suffer too, for them and with them! But it is a part of My Healing Journey, and necessary if I expect to heal and help others, in which I do.
My heart is sad today, but also I have found a new peace, a new strength and a certain relief in all this. As much as it hurts, I know you were hurting worse. I am sorry that I couldn't help. I am very sorry. Unfortunately, I like most people, didn't understand suicide. Plain and simple. It hurts to admit that but again son, I know now and I pray that God shows me the way to reach out and help others. Those who are a suicide risk and the survivors of those who have completed it.
I miss you so much son, I know I will never get over this grief, it will be with me for life. But I also know that it will change, get different, and ease up in time with healing and knowledge of what really happened and why.
i love you my sweet Nicholas James, I love you so much son, so much. I miss you beyond words of comprehension.
I will write you later son.
I love you I love you more ~moma~
Hi baby, I miss you.
Wow I have so much on my heart today.
I had a very rough night last night! I was just thinking about you, your life and how very unfair things got for you regarding Shelby. The past 2 days I have been researching Suicide. It's so cruel, misunderstood, and under researched. The stigma that society has with suicide is very ugly. It just goes to show how uneducated we as a society are. Most of us were raised up with our parents beliefs and knowledge of what they were taught and so on. 40 years ago we didn't know much, just that people were killing themselves, and they must be crazy! Well, that's not all of it. Today we know that suicide is not just someone going crazy or having a bad day. Suicide will not stop and will not go away by ignoring it, In the past 10-15 years there has been a better awareness of the number of deaths by suicide. It is astronomical. Through research we have begun to understand why otherwise educated happy, loved, people of all age, race, and gender would actually think in their darkest hour that the way out was by taking their own lives. People who take their lives don't want to die as I know Nick you didn't. They, YOU Nick, just wanted the PAIN to stop. You didn't know or see another way, or believe there was anyone or anything that could help you... that's hopelessness:( In the U.S. alone, every 15 minutes someone completes suicide. That's 4 people every hour, and nearly 100 deaths every day. This is an atrocity. The number of people dieing everyday is staggering. Considering suicide (depression)is a treatable condition and is a PREVENTABLE death. There is no cure for suicide, but there is help (by identifying the underlying suicide risk and treating it )available for our loved ones.
Nick, I know now "WHY" you went away. I know. I understand, and because I fully understand it does help, but it also hurts. It hurts to know that you HURT THAT MUCH!!! I can say you did commit suicide, I have never denied that, but I can say it with complete compassion, without guilt, shame or blame. I know you died of a broken heart after losing your baby. I know that you died of Extreme Hopelessness, Deep Despair, and Major Depression. I bawled my eye balls out last night son, because my heart hurt for you KNOWING what you felt and thought. I had a real good cry with the new insight. Oh man did it hurt to know, to really know your pain son. No wonder it has hurts so much, when our children suffer...we as mothers suffer too, for them and with them! But it is a part of My Healing Journey, and necessary if I expect to heal and help others, in which I do.
My heart is sad today, but also I have found a new peace, a new strength and a certain relief in all this. As much as it hurts, I know you were hurting worse. I am sorry that I couldn't help. I am very sorry. Unfortunately, I like most people, didn't understand suicide. Plain and simple. It hurts to admit that but again son, I know now and I pray that God shows me the way to reach out and help others. Those who are a suicide risk and the survivors of those who have completed it.
I miss you so much son, I know I will never get over this grief, it will be with me for life. But I also know that it will change, get different, and ease up in time with healing and knowledge of what really happened and why.
i love you my sweet Nicholas James, I love you so much son, so much. I miss you beyond words of comprehension.
I will write you later son.
I love you I love you more ~moma~
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