Hi my Beautiful Boy

Hi my Handsome Nick,
I miss you all day everyday son. I know I will never get over missing you.
I love you so much Nick and I miss everything about you. Your Beautiful Hazel Eyes, your Beautiful curly auburn hair, your Beautiful smile, your voice, your big bear moma hugs and most of all your love.
It's raining out again, I love the rain and I think of you a lot when it rains...I don't know why, other than it is so beautiful and maybe that's why I think of you, because you are so beautiful too. I think more about your life these days, more than your death, but I still can't believe you are not here with me. Will I ever really be able to believe 100 % that you aren't here??? NO!!!
In so many ways you are still here with me, with us. How could I ever forget you...I can't. It is an impossible feet.
I spend most of my days inside lately, it is where I feel safe, hidden from the cruel world outside that expects me to 'Get over it" as if I ever will. Those who have never lost a child and more specific to suicide will NEVER understand. I wish every single person in life had to take a class on suicide to understand those who mourn this unique loss. I want to shout from the roof tops everyday " MY SON IS DEAD, HE TOOK HIS LIFE AND YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND MY HEART" and I pray to God that the ignorant, heartless people will never have to go through this wilderness of unfathomable grief and agony, as so many of us do. I am changed for life..... forever changed. I am learning to have a certain TOLERANCE for people who just don't get it... but it's so damn hard son, I just want to punch them out. Some people are just clueless, others simply don't listen and others...well they are too busy or simply just dont care. They didn't understand YOUR pain and anguish, and they don't understand MINE. I just hope through all of this more people get educated about DEPRESSION, it is an Illness that IS Treatable and Preventable. So many people suffer every single day from the mental BS that goes on their heads. It is atrocious and appalling. I think this is what angers me the most. That it is preventable and you could still be here, along with the 33,000 others who take their own life everyday. I can get past ignorant people, selfish people stupid people unloving people....but I struggle with an illness that can be treated and is missed every year by thousnds. Now that is some venting!!!!!
There are a few people I will never forgive for their actions.....or lack thereof!!! They know who they are. THESE ARE MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, I have many more trust me, but they are MINE, you are MY son, some just don't understand MY pain...and I pray to God they never do. Oh, I know son forgiveness is not for them but for me, for my healing and ability to try and move on in this life without my Nick. I still think there were other options to get you the help you needed, and to show you in your darkest hour that you could hold on for one more minute, hour, day... that this would pass. Especially when I couldn't be there to help you...save you from yourself. I am angry, I am so damn angry not so much at them or God but because you are GONE, and I believe in my heart, more could have been done. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it doesn't mean they are hurting too, or for that matter have some of the same thoughts that I do...the "what if's", the "could of should of's", the "why didn't I..." That is part of the pain, acknowledging that WILL be HAS to be a part of my healing process. No-one No-one has the F------- right to tell me how I ought to or should feel think or live...ON-ONE!!!!!
I miss you incomprehensibly. There are no human words to describe my ongoing pain in my head, my body, my heart. Today I am Angry. I don't need or want one stupid ass person telling me what I should or shouldn't feel or think unless they themselves have walked in my shoes. They don't have a F------ clue...none. You know how I will know the difference. Those who have walked in my shoes would NEVER tell me to do, be, or think anything than what I am already doing, they would BE HERE for me to really listen. They DO understand my thoughts, my ANGER, my pain. They are mom's and Dad's who have been there are there and are turning their pain into helping others. Thank you POS. I am where I am and thank God for POS (parents of suicide) and SOS ( survivors of suicide). They are my new family of love, understanding and compassion and allow me to be me, and help me through this world of bewilderment and wilderness. To say ANYTHING I NEED to, want to have to. I love these people, they are my family. I thank God for them everyday that I found them. Thank you Lord. They have become my saving grace. One painful, angry, hurt, lonely, anguished day at a time.
Tomorrow I will join thousands on The National Survivors of Suicide Day conference. I am looking forward to it. Afterward there is an open chat room to discuss our children what we learned and took away from it, it is open all day and night.
Nicholas, please come see me in my dreams tonight. I miss you and love you baby so much.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you more son, forever more.
I luv luv you more ~moma~