Hi Beautiful Nick,
I love you.....
The sun is out today son, It's pretty nice out considering it is Nov. Our yard has a blanket of leaves covering the lawn and driveway. No one wants to bag them, Ugh!!! Too much work!
We told G&J no sleepovers this weekend, they were kinda bummed. Every weekend for about six months we've either had kids here or they have stayed at a friends house, we just don't want the running around this weekend:). Other than having Zoe for 2 days, there haven't been kids over here all week, it's nice to take a break. They think they can't have friends over if they don't stay the night! But that's not true, their friends can come over we just aren't picking up or dropping off.
So, since we are all home today, we are gonna start our dream catchers. Yeahhhh!!! Lloyd, G&J are at Dream Weavers getting some leather for our loops. I will take pics throughout the process. i will send a pic of the finished product when were done. They are gonna look amazing. The next one I'm doing I will be using all natural from the earth items, it is gonna be beautiful, can't wait til it is finished.
I miss you Nick, I miss you so much. You are always on my mind and forever in my heart. i wish I could kiss you, I miss you.
I will write you later. I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Good Morning Nick,
Hi my son,
I love you son...I miss you. I woke up thinking about you this morning, as I usually do, so I'm gonna say "Hi" before I run out the door.
I am taking Journey to cheer this morning. I am also taking Zoe back home. I have had her for 2 days now, it has been good, she is a great girl. Tabitha's Daddy had surgery yesterday in Spokane, so I kept Zoe for a couple days.
So, I will write you later son,
I love you babe, I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you son...I miss you. I woke up thinking about you this morning, as I usually do, so I'm gonna say "Hi" before I run out the door.
I am taking Journey to cheer this morning. I am also taking Zoe back home. I have had her for 2 days now, it has been good, she is a great girl. Tabitha's Daddy had surgery yesterday in Spokane, so I kept Zoe for a couple days.
So, I will write you later son,
I love you babe, I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
Friday, November 13, 2009
Hi son
Hi my Beautiful Nick,
I love you Nicholas, I miss you.
I wanted to say "Sweet Dreams" son and that "I love you", I love you more and more and more and more and more and more and more. I may not be able to show you that love physically, but It doesn't mean that love for you doesn't exist. It does, and it is very real and it never dies, it only gets stronger and stronger as time goes on. Your love, my love for you is amazing, it multiplies day by day. It grows inside of me bigger and stronger and more beautiful everyday son. You are in my heart and soul, my blood and tears, my voice and my eyes. You are every bit a part of me son, that is how you stay alive in my reality, with me, with moma...forever and ever and ever.
You are so beautiful...to me.
Good night my Beautiful Boy, sweet dreams. I miss you, I love you, I love you I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you Nicholas, I miss you.
I wanted to say "Sweet Dreams" son and that "I love you", I love you more and more and more and more and more and more and more. I may not be able to show you that love physically, but It doesn't mean that love for you doesn't exist. It does, and it is very real and it never dies, it only gets stronger and stronger as time goes on. Your love, my love for you is amazing, it multiplies day by day. It grows inside of me bigger and stronger and more beautiful everyday son. You are in my heart and soul, my blood and tears, my voice and my eyes. You are every bit a part of me son, that is how you stay alive in my reality, with me, with moma...forever and ever and ever.
You are so beautiful...to me.
Good night my Beautiful Boy, sweet dreams. I miss you, I love you, I love you I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
Nicholas,
I love you son, I love you.
Today is Friday the 13th!!! I know you always thought the number 13 was good luck , not bad. In fact it was your favorite number! This is the 3rd Friday the 13th this year, the most times it can happen in 1 year, one was in Feb, one was your sisters 14th birthday on March 13th, and now today! All I know is, I don't and never have believed that a "number" actually has power. That's not to say some don't have significant meaning, because I know they do, but luck or bad luck doesn't exist in my book. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens by luck or coincidence, everything under the sun had purpose and meaning, everything. We may not know what that is every time, or in this life time, but that is what I Believe. But I find it interesting that Friday the 13th appeared 3 times this year!Yesterday was a very strange day. I pray for a great day today. parts of yesterday were great but all through the day odd things happened.Jess and I went to dinner last night at Olive Garden. We tried their pizza for the first time, it was pretty good, Jess really liked it. We had a good visit. She struggles so much with you and Shelby, my heart aches for her. I pray for her everyday that she finds her way THROUGH this. She has so much inside that is hard to settle with, as I know that to be true for me too regarding you and Shelby. This is where TIME comes into play, it will take some time, prayer and redirecting our thoughts in order to get through this alive! I love her so much, she is so tender. i wish I could take away her pain and make everything better for her. I told her last night what you shared with me when I came crying at your door a couple months after Nana passed away!!! I pulled up to your dad's house and you were on the porch. You came running to my car happy and excited to see me, and when you got closer you realized my eyes were full of tears and you just said, Ahhh whats wrong moma, and reached in through the window and hugged me, and said, Everything is gonna be alright moma, then you opened my car door and pulled me out of the car and hugged me ever so tight! So I shared that with Jess last night, and told her I don't know when things when ever "feel: good or right again, but I do know things will be alright, just as you told me Nick, I must believe. Things didn't get better for a long time, but everything was alright in the big scheme of life. After all I did have 3 beautiful, healthy children, an amazing husband, and Jesus on my side. I still haven't gotten OVER losing my moma, I think about her often and still cry about her being gone. i cannot count how many times I wanted her here with me (us) and how many times I wanted to call and share something, good, happy or exciting with her. It is the same with you Nick. I have had soooooo much to share with you, and only a wall to write it on :( I miss you so much it is a day-mare for me sometimes...you know like a nightmare only during the day. I will never understand why you had to leave me, I miss you so much son. It's one of those days Nick where I feel like I could write you forever and never stop. Today, I feel your absence in my life pretty heavily! my heart is heavy and my head hurts. pray for me son with the saints, that moma will get through the rough ones, it is days like this that I don't feel steady or sure of anything.I need to take care of some things son, so I better get going.I love you so very much my Nicholas James. There is no end to my love for you, and there seems to be no end in site to missing you either. I will trudge this road one more day looking for and appreciating all that is GOOD in it. I love you Nick, my Beautiful Boy.I love you more ~moma~
I love you son, I love you.
Today is Friday the 13th!!! I know you always thought the number 13 was good luck , not bad. In fact it was your favorite number! This is the 3rd Friday the 13th this year, the most times it can happen in 1 year, one was in Feb, one was your sisters 14th birthday on March 13th, and now today! All I know is, I don't and never have believed that a "number" actually has power. That's not to say some don't have significant meaning, because I know they do, but luck or bad luck doesn't exist in my book. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens by luck or coincidence, everything under the sun had purpose and meaning, everything. We may not know what that is every time, or in this life time, but that is what I Believe. But I find it interesting that Friday the 13th appeared 3 times this year!Yesterday was a very strange day. I pray for a great day today. parts of yesterday were great but all through the day odd things happened.Jess and I went to dinner last night at Olive Garden. We tried their pizza for the first time, it was pretty good, Jess really liked it. We had a good visit. She struggles so much with you and Shelby, my heart aches for her. I pray for her everyday that she finds her way THROUGH this. She has so much inside that is hard to settle with, as I know that to be true for me too regarding you and Shelby. This is where TIME comes into play, it will take some time, prayer and redirecting our thoughts in order to get through this alive! I love her so much, she is so tender. i wish I could take away her pain and make everything better for her. I told her last night what you shared with me when I came crying at your door a couple months after Nana passed away!!! I pulled up to your dad's house and you were on the porch. You came running to my car happy and excited to see me, and when you got closer you realized my eyes were full of tears and you just said, Ahhh whats wrong moma, and reached in through the window and hugged me, and said, Everything is gonna be alright moma, then you opened my car door and pulled me out of the car and hugged me ever so tight! So I shared that with Jess last night, and told her I don't know when things when ever "feel: good or right again, but I do know things will be alright, just as you told me Nick, I must believe. Things didn't get better for a long time, but everything was alright in the big scheme of life. After all I did have 3 beautiful, healthy children, an amazing husband, and Jesus on my side. I still haven't gotten OVER losing my moma, I think about her often and still cry about her being gone. i cannot count how many times I wanted her here with me (us) and how many times I wanted to call and share something, good, happy or exciting with her. It is the same with you Nick. I have had soooooo much to share with you, and only a wall to write it on :( I miss you so much it is a day-mare for me sometimes...you know like a nightmare only during the day. I will never understand why you had to leave me, I miss you so much son. It's one of those days Nick where I feel like I could write you forever and never stop. Today, I feel your absence in my life pretty heavily! my heart is heavy and my head hurts. pray for me son with the saints, that moma will get through the rough ones, it is days like this that I don't feel steady or sure of anything.I need to take care of some things son, so I better get going.I love you so very much my Nicholas James. There is no end to my love for you, and there seems to be no end in site to missing you either. I will trudge this road one more day looking for and appreciating all that is GOOD in it. I love you Nick, my Beautiful Boy.I love you more ~moma~
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Good morning Nicholas
Hi sweet son, I love you.
Today I am gonna work on reconnecting with some of my customers from work.
After a year or more of not working or connecting with my customers and friends I will be sending out a few emails today or tomorrow. I really miss being a part of "Changing Others Lives", I loved my work, it was very rewarding and I poured my heart, souls, blood sweat and tears into loving on others! To not work with others is lonely, I feel more fulfilled when I am in the public, meeting new people, building new relationships and having fun. I do miss it. But my heart also was broken and wounded deeply, how could I pour my heart into something when I didn't have ALL my heart to do so? I couldn't. I still have trepidation on weather or not I can muster up the confidence and courage, and take my broken pieces of my heart and start all over again. (
God, If this is what I am supposed to be doing , please Lord shine the light brightly in the direction I should go and give me eyes to see the path clearly. Or clearly close the door gently so I will not be led astray, Amen.)
I worked so hard to build my business and relationships. I hope I can at least let people know I am doing okay, and still alive.
It was foggy earlier this morning son, but now the sun is shinning, it's still cold out though. Oh my goodness, it is so cold. Joyce is gonna come see me in Jan or Feb, I can hardly wait. I miss her so much, and she is such a strong tower in my life, when we are together we can share for hours. I love her so much and I respect her immensely.
I bet you all had a great 50th B-Day party for Uncle Greg yesterday:) Thank you for giving everyone a hug for me Nick. Sometimes I still feel like I'm gonna crack, because my heart is still so fragile. It seems like the smallest of things upset me still or set me off. I still have a hard time focusing on staying positive and moving forward, even with all the love, support, and goodness in my life, I still struggle everyday to keep going.
I miss you soooo much son...I still cry everyday for you, I don't know when or if that will ever stop. I went to bed pretty early last night, you were the last person on my mind before I went to sleep. I missed you a lot last night. UGH!!! Some days still are just harder than others. I still have that crazy thought, that if I could have just said something different to you that night on the phone would it have changed your mind to not hurt yourself. That is so tough on me Nick, and I still somehow feel like I have failed you. I hate that. It is probably the second hardest thing I deal with on a daily basis. The first being missing my boy, my son, my Nick, Nick in my life. I do think that son. I wish I could have saved you. My life will never be quite as full as it was with you in it. I will always have a vacant place in my life and heart where you once were alive and well, that's all any good moma ever wants for her children, is to be well and live long. Perhaps God will allow the hole to be filled with all my memories and love of you. Then, maybe it wont hurt as bad. But for now Nick, it still hurts... A LOT!!! Nick, sometimes the pain, the hurt, the tears catch me off guard, and I feel like I am back to day 1, when I first learned you were gone!!! Sometimes when I am on the couch reading or on the comp. I get overwhelmed with missing you and I look up at the enlarged picture of you when you were 17, and I just cry son, and hang my head in disbelief, I say to myself "are you really gone Nick", it is still shocking to me even though I fully understand you are gone, my mind tries to say you are not. My heart hurts but also knows you are still in it!!! my head knows your gone, but tries to tell me you aren't!!! All I know is I wish I could still see you, smell you, hear you, touch you, hug you kiss you, love you. I know this too Nick, if that is what you did, then I know as God does that you were not thinking right son, and that you didn't really understand what you were about to do. I just your beautiful spirit, your love and your whole being son. I miss you:(
I better get moving son. I love you my sweet Nick, I love you so much. I miss you terribly and I will always miss your love in my life. I am grateful though for all the "love you gave to me" when you were with moma. I will hang onto your sweet love forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Today I am gonna work on reconnecting with some of my customers from work.
After a year or more of not working or connecting with my customers and friends I will be sending out a few emails today or tomorrow. I really miss being a part of "Changing Others Lives", I loved my work, it was very rewarding and I poured my heart, souls, blood sweat and tears into loving on others! To not work with others is lonely, I feel more fulfilled when I am in the public, meeting new people, building new relationships and having fun. I do miss it. But my heart also was broken and wounded deeply, how could I pour my heart into something when I didn't have ALL my heart to do so? I couldn't. I still have trepidation on weather or not I can muster up the confidence and courage, and take my broken pieces of my heart and start all over again. (
God, If this is what I am supposed to be doing , please Lord shine the light brightly in the direction I should go and give me eyes to see the path clearly. Or clearly close the door gently so I will not be led astray, Amen.)
I worked so hard to build my business and relationships. I hope I can at least let people know I am doing okay, and still alive.
It was foggy earlier this morning son, but now the sun is shinning, it's still cold out though. Oh my goodness, it is so cold. Joyce is gonna come see me in Jan or Feb, I can hardly wait. I miss her so much, and she is such a strong tower in my life, when we are together we can share for hours. I love her so much and I respect her immensely.
I bet you all had a great 50th B-Day party for Uncle Greg yesterday:) Thank you for giving everyone a hug for me Nick. Sometimes I still feel like I'm gonna crack, because my heart is still so fragile. It seems like the smallest of things upset me still or set me off. I still have a hard time focusing on staying positive and moving forward, even with all the love, support, and goodness in my life, I still struggle everyday to keep going.
I miss you soooo much son...I still cry everyday for you, I don't know when or if that will ever stop. I went to bed pretty early last night, you were the last person on my mind before I went to sleep. I missed you a lot last night. UGH!!! Some days still are just harder than others. I still have that crazy thought, that if I could have just said something different to you that night on the phone would it have changed your mind to not hurt yourself. That is so tough on me Nick, and I still somehow feel like I have failed you. I hate that. It is probably the second hardest thing I deal with on a daily basis. The first being missing my boy, my son, my Nick, Nick in my life. I do think that son. I wish I could have saved you. My life will never be quite as full as it was with you in it. I will always have a vacant place in my life and heart where you once were alive and well, that's all any good moma ever wants for her children, is to be well and live long. Perhaps God will allow the hole to be filled with all my memories and love of you. Then, maybe it wont hurt as bad. But for now Nick, it still hurts... A LOT!!! Nick, sometimes the pain, the hurt, the tears catch me off guard, and I feel like I am back to day 1, when I first learned you were gone!!! Sometimes when I am on the couch reading or on the comp. I get overwhelmed with missing you and I look up at the enlarged picture of you when you were 17, and I just cry son, and hang my head in disbelief, I say to myself "are you really gone Nick", it is still shocking to me even though I fully understand you are gone, my mind tries to say you are not. My heart hurts but also knows you are still in it!!! my head knows your gone, but tries to tell me you aren't!!! All I know is I wish I could still see you, smell you, hear you, touch you, hug you kiss you, love you. I know this too Nick, if that is what you did, then I know as God does that you were not thinking right son, and that you didn't really understand what you were about to do. I just your beautiful spirit, your love and your whole being son. I miss you:(
I better get moving son. I love you my sweet Nick, I love you so much. I miss you terribly and I will always miss your love in my life. I am grateful though for all the "love you gave to me" when you were with moma. I will hang onto your sweet love forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Good night sweet son
I miss you today. My heart is aching for a hug from YOU.
I've kinda been in a funk today. So I took G&J to dream weavers to get some special things for us all to make our dream catchers. yesterday Journey found a beautiful feather laying against the wall on the floor board. She said she was just walking along and when she looked down something caught her eye and she looked again and it was a feather, she knew it was from you. It made her smile so she picked it up and brought it home, she was very excited when she shared with me the story:) She's using that feather for the center piece.
Greg has made a few necklaces out of hemp and Glass beads. His friends and classmates have asked him where he got them from and he told them he makes them. So now everyone is asking him to make them one. So they buy their main bead and bring it to them and he makes it. They are all unique and beautiful. he loves it:) They are both doing well son, and they miss their brother a ton. We are all slowly healing...but healing.
You came to me in my dreams last night but I don't remember the dream, I only know when I woke up I knew I had dreamt about you. Come see me son, come give me a hug, okay. I love you Nick, I miss you immensely.
I love you more ~moma~
I've kinda been in a funk today. So I took G&J to dream weavers to get some special things for us all to make our dream catchers. yesterday Journey found a beautiful feather laying against the wall on the floor board. She said she was just walking along and when she looked down something caught her eye and she looked again and it was a feather, she knew it was from you. It made her smile so she picked it up and brought it home, she was very excited when she shared with me the story:) She's using that feather for the center piece.
Greg has made a few necklaces out of hemp and Glass beads. His friends and classmates have asked him where he got them from and he told them he makes them. So now everyone is asking him to make them one. So they buy their main bead and bring it to them and he makes it. They are all unique and beautiful. he loves it:) They are both doing well son, and they miss their brother a ton. We are all slowly healing...but healing.
You came to me in my dreams last night but I don't remember the dream, I only know when I woke up I knew I had dreamt about you. Come see me son, come give me a hug, okay. I love you Nick, I miss you immensely.
I love you more ~moma~
Nick, I love you
Hi my sweet son,
I love you and miss you so much today. I don't feel good today.
it seems like when I don't feel good, or when I'm tired, or when something very cool happens I think of you even more. It makes me emotional, and I wish you were here to give me a hug. I bet You, Nana, Uncle Greg and Shelby all had a great time celebrating Uncle Greg's 50th birthday, and your other family too. I miss you, I miss all of you, but especially YOU!!! Please give my brother a Happy birthday hug and kiss from moma, okay. Give my moma a hug and kiss and Shelby too.
I will write you later Nick. I miss you
I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
I love you and miss you so much today. I don't feel good today.
it seems like when I don't feel good, or when I'm tired, or when something very cool happens I think of you even more. It makes me emotional, and I wish you were here to give me a hug. I bet You, Nana, Uncle Greg and Shelby all had a great time celebrating Uncle Greg's 50th birthday, and your other family too. I miss you, I miss all of you, but especially YOU!!! Please give my brother a Happy birthday hug and kiss from moma, okay. Give my moma a hug and kiss and Shelby too.
I will write you later Nick. I miss you
I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Hi Nicholas
You are my "son"shine my lovely "son"shine,
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You always knew "son" how much I loved you
No one can take my "son"shine awaaaaay!!!
I miss you sweet son, and no one will ever be able to take that love away. You are so deep in my heart Nick, it isn't possible!
Today was a busy day. I got up with G&J and took them to school. I had to take uncle "D" to help him get a bank account, that wasn't fun because we had to clear some things up first. I don't know what he would do without my help sometimes son, it's so sad that he is the way he is sometimes. But he is holding his own.
Tomorrow is uncle Greg's birthday, he would be 50. Please give my brother a hug and kiss for me Nick:) I miss him so and can't believe it has been 14 years since he passed. I know you remember how much I talked about uncle Greg, he too will never be forgotten. I still think of him often and miss him so much. He has a sweet spirit and a huge heart. He was a good man. He has probably already played lots of Bingo with you. he was good at it and gambling and he won LOTS of money most of the time. He had so much fun playing bingo.
I love you Nicholas and miss you like a CRAZY woman!
I will write you a little later. Gonna spend some time with Greg and Journey now, they don't have school tomorrow so we will probably watch movies til late:) I miss doing that with you Nick. you and Jess would come over and watch movies with us often. I sure do cherish those times all the more now, they are some of my favorite memories. I always made a nice dinner and we ate til we were fat:)
i miss all of you and all of those times together as a family.
I love you sweet boy.
I love you more~moma~
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You always knew "son" how much I loved you
No one can take my "son"shine awaaaaay!!!
I miss you sweet son, and no one will ever be able to take that love away. You are so deep in my heart Nick, it isn't possible!
Today was a busy day. I got up with G&J and took them to school. I had to take uncle "D" to help him get a bank account, that wasn't fun because we had to clear some things up first. I don't know what he would do without my help sometimes son, it's so sad that he is the way he is sometimes. But he is holding his own.
Tomorrow is uncle Greg's birthday, he would be 50. Please give my brother a hug and kiss for me Nick:) I miss him so and can't believe it has been 14 years since he passed. I know you remember how much I talked about uncle Greg, he too will never be forgotten. I still think of him often and miss him so much. He has a sweet spirit and a huge heart. He was a good man. He has probably already played lots of Bingo with you. he was good at it and gambling and he won LOTS of money most of the time. He had so much fun playing bingo.
I love you Nicholas and miss you like a CRAZY woman!
I will write you a little later. Gonna spend some time with Greg and Journey now, they don't have school tomorrow so we will probably watch movies til late:) I miss doing that with you Nick. you and Jess would come over and watch movies with us often. I sure do cherish those times all the more now, they are some of my favorite memories. I always made a nice dinner and we ate til we were fat:)
i miss all of you and all of those times together as a family.
I love you sweet boy.
I love you more~moma~
Monday, November 9, 2009
Hi my Beautiful Boy
Hi my Beautiful Boy,I love you son...I love you.Well, I kinda waited all day to see if my laptop would come around...but it never did! So, I am on our old pc, that always seems to work no matter what. I'm so glad because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to write you tonight. I guess it's time for a comp. dr to look at that HP again. It's only 2 years old. I shouldn't be having so many issues with it!!!Anyway, I had a Healthy Pantry party and it was awesome son. I love their food, it's delicious,cost effective and they are healthy. Greg and Journey actually love the food too:)I have been doing better son. I have kinda accepted the fact that you are gone physically. I have satisfied myself with this explanation. "One day son, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN IN HEAVEN". I think about that everyday...I will see you again. I find comfort in that. Otherwise I can believe that it is all over and never again will I see you and be miserable until I die, because there is no hope or comfort in that. It doesn't mean I am not hurting, it only means it doesn't rule my days anymore. I have hope in believing I WILL see you again. I have no hope in this world or in my flesh, it promises NOTHING. But Christ promises for those who believe, we will see our loved ones again in heaven. I just miss you in my life Nick, I will always miss you in my life, until that day!!!I bet you are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!I cant even begin to imagine just how beautiful you are in GODS presence. I bet HIS angels are amazing. I know you are more than at peace where you are, you are experiencing joy, love, and eternal bliss with our heavenly Father.Nick, come see moma tonight in my dreams ok. I want to kiss you. I miss you babe. I miss you so very much.Journey just walked in from cheer, so I want to say hi to her and talk about her performance for a few. She loves cheer. She is amazing, I would say she is the best or at least 1 of the top 2 girls. I hear her coaches and other girls, they know they have a gem in Journey.Do you know that she got back into cheer right after you passed away and that it was the best thing for her at that time. I see it as a blessing now, but at first I didn't, but her focus was on doing well and being strong. So she put all her energy into it. I know it helped her through the first few months. She wore herself out, but it was a good thing. Her body in the past year has been transformed into an athlete's frame, she has a lot of muscle and she is ripped. We are still taking supplements, and that is a big part of it, they go hand in hand, workouts and supplements. She has the edge on every other girl there. I love that, and she is IN shape.I'm gonna say good night son. Sweet Dreams my sweet son. I miss you...I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, November 8, 2009
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