June 11, 2009
Good morning son,I love you I miss you. I miss you son.
Well, we all slept in this morning, it was great. It's a hot one out today though, it would be a great day to float the river, if it's safe. Tha water has been really high lately. We had a guy stop by yesterday who was interested in your Repsol. He lives in Candy Mountain, but has horses out on the Kolotus Highway. So he said he would call us and come back by on his way back into town. It must of got to late but Lloyd has his number. Maybe today they can get together and he can take it for a spin. I don't know. A part of me wants to keep those "things" that you loved a lot, and other days I just don't want to look at them anymore...it's too painful and just such a constant reminder that you are no longer using them. It hurts, it hurts a lot.
I will write you later my sweet Nick, and you were sweet Nick, you had a heart as big as the ocean, I've always said that about you. Your spirit was always tender, your heart eager to please and love. And because of that you were loved back so very much. You are a good boy Nick. I miss you so much, I love you more ~moma~
Friday, June 12, 2009
I miss you Nicholas
June 10, 2009
Hi Nicholas,
I love you babe and I miss you still.
Well, today was the last day of school for your Brother and Sister, they are so jazzed about that. They both have parties to go to. Journey has gym onight and maybe a friend staying over. Tomorrow Greg has another birthday party. I talked to Joyce yesterday and I am planning a trip to Ca. in the next few weeks. I will go visit her, your Auntie Julie, maybe Mark and Kim, and some other family and friends. I haven't been back since I last saw you son. It will be hard but It will be nice getting out of here for a while.
I love my besty so much and she encourages me, loves on me, is gentle with me and we have great conversations. She is a very none-judgemental person, so when were talking no matter who or what it's about she is always so loving and forgiving of others. She really is all about loving others. It is some good medicine that I could use right about now. We plan to go to the Beach while were there. Greg will probably help me drive. That is a bonus because it is getting to be a longer drive each time I take it. But no drive could have been longer than the one I took down there Oct. 23 2008. I felt like my whole life had just passed me by and yet it felt like it took 100 days to get to you. It was god aweful.
I love you my boy. I miss you. I miss seeing you, hugging you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your eyes, and most of all I miss your love honey. I will write you later my boy. I miss you way up to the sky and there is no end. kisses, hugs, and all my love forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi Nicholas,
I love you babe and I miss you still.
Well, today was the last day of school for your Brother and Sister, they are so jazzed about that. They both have parties to go to. Journey has gym onight and maybe a friend staying over. Tomorrow Greg has another birthday party. I talked to Joyce yesterday and I am planning a trip to Ca. in the next few weeks. I will go visit her, your Auntie Julie, maybe Mark and Kim, and some other family and friends. I haven't been back since I last saw you son. It will be hard but It will be nice getting out of here for a while.
I love my besty so much and she encourages me, loves on me, is gentle with me and we have great conversations. She is a very none-judgemental person, so when were talking no matter who or what it's about she is always so loving and forgiving of others. She really is all about loving others. It is some good medicine that I could use right about now. We plan to go to the Beach while were there. Greg will probably help me drive. That is a bonus because it is getting to be a longer drive each time I take it. But no drive could have been longer than the one I took down there Oct. 23 2008. I felt like my whole life had just passed me by and yet it felt like it took 100 days to get to you. It was god aweful.
I love you my boy. I miss you. I miss seeing you, hugging you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your eyes, and most of all I miss your love honey. I will write you later my boy. I miss you way up to the sky and there is no end. kisses, hugs, and all my love forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sweet Dreams
I love you my sweet boy. Always on my mind, forever in my heart. Sweet Dreams Nicholas. I love you more ~moma~
I will always miss you son...always
June 09, 2009
Hi my sweet son Nick,
I miss you my boy, I miss you.
God, how I miss you and my God, how it hurts like it was the morning of the worst news I could ever hear.
I know I DONT have to EVER let YOU go, ever, and I can't. That is an impossible feat for your moma. However, I do realize what I can do differently from this day forward.
Nick I have been in such pain over loosing you and the torment has stolen my joy, my light, my happiness, my hope, my energy, my strength, and my heart. To say it has comsummed me is an understatement!!! It has almost stolen my very soul, and it has definitely tested my FAITH,like nothing ever before!
There are many days that I want to climb the highest mountain and scream out at the top of my lungs take me away, take away this pain, I can't take it anymore, help me, I'm dieing, but I don't die. Even though a part of me feels like it died the day you did. The pain and agony of loosing you goes on and on. The war rages on and on and on, it is debilitating and humbling. The war of agony and defeat will not conquer my soul or faith. I will survive, and strive and thrive. We will TOGETHER hold each day and each other in it, with gentle regard. I will get past this torment. I must, I must, or I too will succumb to it's final destination if only in my mind. I can do that without letting go of you. I know this today!!! Just for today Nick, I will choose to let go of the TORMENT in my soul over lossing you, and the morning of that tragic event, all the tormenting details that seep into my mind all day long! Just for today, I will let the torment go. I will be gentle with myself, and give myself permission to let the torment go, and to know I don't have to let "YOU" go. It is a very freeing and powerful conception of health and love. I feel it is a moment of clarity, just a brief moment of light that shines in the distance that say's, it is more than okay to the torment go and embrace that light.
I miss you and I cannot change that. I ache for you daily and I can't change that. I will always love you, always and forever more and more, and I don't WANT to change that.
I spoke with Joyce again today. She IS my sanity voice. She IS my soft place to rest. She IS and has been the voice of TRUTH and LOVE from the very beginning. I needed her voice today as I realized there was a shift in my thinking this morning, and I couldn't figure it out. She helped me realize I never ever have to "let YOU go" but just for today I can decide to let the torment go and be gentle to myself. It is a good word, and the truth. I needed to hear that. I am so very greatful for her beautiful, sober, mind. She gets right to the matter and is frank but gentle with me. I know her heart I know her love for me is completely UNCONDITIONAL and NONE- JUDGMENTAL. I really heard her and I respect her. I am so greatful that God has not only preserved our friendship for 40 years, but that it has grown deeper and more loving regardless of time and distance.
Nicholas James Devine I miss you beyond the ability of human words to describe. It is beyond comprehension of any kind. You were the twinkle in my heart and eyes. You were the love of my life. You were the first person I ever loved unconditionally. You were the beginning of who I am today. Thank-you son, for giving me YOU as a gift. Thank-you for teaching me such a life long lesson, one I will always have with me wherever I go. The gift of LOVE. Thank-you for being my amazing and Beautiful Boy. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you for letting me love you. Thank-you for being mine, my Nicky.
Through this all, I wish I could kiss you!!!
Just this moment, I choose PEACE. Peace like that of the picture I sent along. Today I choose serenity. Rest in peace my boy.
I love you my precious Nick, I love you more ~moma~
Hi my sweet son Nick,
I miss you my boy, I miss you.
God, how I miss you and my God, how it hurts like it was the morning of the worst news I could ever hear.
I know I DONT have to EVER let YOU go, ever, and I can't. That is an impossible feat for your moma. However, I do realize what I can do differently from this day forward.
Nick I have been in such pain over loosing you and the torment has stolen my joy, my light, my happiness, my hope, my energy, my strength, and my heart. To say it has comsummed me is an understatement!!! It has almost stolen my very soul, and it has definitely tested my FAITH,like nothing ever before!
There are many days that I want to climb the highest mountain and scream out at the top of my lungs take me away, take away this pain, I can't take it anymore, help me, I'm dieing, but I don't die. Even though a part of me feels like it died the day you did. The pain and agony of loosing you goes on and on. The war rages on and on and on, it is debilitating and humbling. The war of agony and defeat will not conquer my soul or faith. I will survive, and strive and thrive. We will TOGETHER hold each day and each other in it, with gentle regard. I will get past this torment. I must, I must, or I too will succumb to it's final destination if only in my mind. I can do that without letting go of you. I know this today!!! Just for today Nick, I will choose to let go of the TORMENT in my soul over lossing you, and the morning of that tragic event, all the tormenting details that seep into my mind all day long! Just for today, I will let the torment go. I will be gentle with myself, and give myself permission to let the torment go, and to know I don't have to let "YOU" go. It is a very freeing and powerful conception of health and love. I feel it is a moment of clarity, just a brief moment of light that shines in the distance that say's, it is more than okay to the torment go and embrace that light.
I miss you and I cannot change that. I ache for you daily and I can't change that. I will always love you, always and forever more and more, and I don't WANT to change that.
I spoke with Joyce again today. She IS my sanity voice. She IS my soft place to rest. She IS and has been the voice of TRUTH and LOVE from the very beginning. I needed her voice today as I realized there was a shift in my thinking this morning, and I couldn't figure it out. She helped me realize I never ever have to "let YOU go" but just for today I can decide to let the torment go and be gentle to myself. It is a good word, and the truth. I needed to hear that. I am so very greatful for her beautiful, sober, mind. She gets right to the matter and is frank but gentle with me. I know her heart I know her love for me is completely UNCONDITIONAL and NONE- JUDGMENTAL. I really heard her and I respect her. I am so greatful that God has not only preserved our friendship for 40 years, but that it has grown deeper and more loving regardless of time and distance.
Nicholas James Devine I miss you beyond the ability of human words to describe. It is beyond comprehension of any kind. You were the twinkle in my heart and eyes. You were the love of my life. You were the first person I ever loved unconditionally. You were the beginning of who I am today. Thank-you son, for giving me YOU as a gift. Thank-you for teaching me such a life long lesson, one I will always have with me wherever I go. The gift of LOVE. Thank-you for being my amazing and Beautiful Boy. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you for letting me love you. Thank-you for being mine, my Nicky.
Through this all, I wish I could kiss you!!!
Just this moment, I choose PEACE. Peace like that of the picture I sent along. Today I choose serenity. Rest in peace my boy.
I love you my precious Nick, I love you more ~moma~
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Good morning son
Hi sweet boy,
Well, we went to the races last night and they were pretty good. Lloyd reminded me of the time that we all went out there and Lloyd had a race car at the time. We and you were there and we were his "pit crew". So, lloyd let you put on his coveralls and helmet and get in the race car and take it for a spin for a few times on the track. You loved it, I wish we could have gotten you into racing. Your love for speed added to your great driving ablility you would have kicked ass.
Now lloyd is thinking about getting another car and racing it, then when Greg turns 18, he will be ready to race too. I was hoping that some day they would re open the one in town. But it doesn't look like they will be doing that any time soon.
I miss you babe and I love you so much more. I will write you later. I love you more ~moma~
Well, we went to the races last night and they were pretty good. Lloyd reminded me of the time that we all went out there and Lloyd had a race car at the time. We and you were there and we were his "pit crew". So, lloyd let you put on his coveralls and helmet and get in the race car and take it for a spin for a few times on the track. You loved it, I wish we could have gotten you into racing. Your love for speed added to your great driving ablility you would have kicked ass.
Now lloyd is thinking about getting another car and racing it, then when Greg turns 18, he will be ready to race too. I was hoping that some day they would re open the one in town. But it doesn't look like they will be doing that any time soon.
I miss you babe and I love you so much more. I will write you later. I love you more ~moma~
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