Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nicholas
Hi baby, I miss you
My daily reading topic for today is " Sorry About The Tears" yesterdays was "Deja Vu All Over Again". These are not coincidences!!! They are perfect, purposeful messages from God. He was, Is and always will be my "saving grace" What I do know is this son.. one day when I get to heaven there will be no more sorrow, separation or pain. I will see you and be with you forever and ever. God will wipe away every tear from my eyes, Rev 21:4. In the meantime, the tears will flow. My tears are proof I am made in His image. He knows my pain, as He too was separated from His son.
I found a penny tonight in our drive way, I haven't left the house today at all. I have been making calls, working on comp,laundry and taking care of all kinds of little things around the house that have needed my attention for the past year. It has been a productive day. I only went outside to take out the garbage, I looked in the car for some paperwork and when I closed the car door I saw the penny:)
I have a story. When we lived at 409 Delafield Journey drew you a picture with a flower and rain drops and a smiley face. She put it in an envelope and wrote Nick, then Journey on the front of it. Then she taped 3 penny's on the front. She was probably about 7 or 8 years old. I remember at the time you were wanting to buy something and she overheard you telling me all about it. So she went off and drew you a Happy picture and taped her penny's on the front to help you and make you feel better, it was too cute. From the very beginning you and her had this amazing bond! This is not to say that you and Greg didn't because you had an amazing bond with them both!!, But you have always loved Journey with such tenderness. thank you Nick for those beautiful memories. You were gentle with Greg too, they loved you so very much. They miss you so very much today. We have all missed you tremendously. Anyway, after I found that little envelope with the penny's still taped onto it (I save everything, and glad I do), I showed it to Journey. She got goose bumps after reading it and water in her eyes. Then she said to me...I know NOW moma, your not crazy about "The penny thing". We both just giggled, we hugged each other then she took it to her room. Another touch of God's gentle and amazing love.
I am going to coffee in the morning, starbucks...I don't go there very often! I need to get to bed soon, so I am saying good night. I don't like this part...UGH!!! I love you and miss you sooooo much, I can't stand it. I got through another day, how oh how in my humanness and flesh do I do it, day after day?! I just don't know!!!
I love you my sweet boy Nicholas James.
Sweet Dreams son, and I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
My daily reading topic for today is " Sorry About The Tears" yesterdays was "Deja Vu All Over Again". These are not coincidences!!! They are perfect, purposeful messages from God. He was, Is and always will be my "saving grace" What I do know is this son.. one day when I get to heaven there will be no more sorrow, separation or pain. I will see you and be with you forever and ever. God will wipe away every tear from my eyes, Rev 21:4. In the meantime, the tears will flow. My tears are proof I am made in His image. He knows my pain, as He too was separated from His son.
I found a penny tonight in our drive way, I haven't left the house today at all. I have been making calls, working on comp,laundry and taking care of all kinds of little things around the house that have needed my attention for the past year. It has been a productive day. I only went outside to take out the garbage, I looked in the car for some paperwork and when I closed the car door I saw the penny:)
I have a story. When we lived at 409 Delafield Journey drew you a picture with a flower and rain drops and a smiley face. She put it in an envelope and wrote Nick, then Journey on the front of it. Then she taped 3 penny's on the front. She was probably about 7 or 8 years old. I remember at the time you were wanting to buy something and she overheard you telling me all about it. So she went off and drew you a Happy picture and taped her penny's on the front to help you and make you feel better, it was too cute. From the very beginning you and her had this amazing bond! This is not to say that you and Greg didn't because you had an amazing bond with them both!!, But you have always loved Journey with such tenderness. thank you Nick for those beautiful memories. You were gentle with Greg too, they loved you so very much. They miss you so very much today. We have all missed you tremendously. Anyway, after I found that little envelope with the penny's still taped onto it (I save everything, and glad I do), I showed it to Journey. She got goose bumps after reading it and water in her eyes. Then she said to me...I know NOW moma, your not crazy about "The penny thing". We both just giggled, we hugged each other then she took it to her room. Another touch of God's gentle and amazing love.
I am going to coffee in the morning, starbucks...I don't go there very often! I need to get to bed soon, so I am saying good night. I don't like this part...UGH!!! I love you and miss you sooooo much, I can't stand it. I got through another day, how oh how in my humanness and flesh do I do it, day after day?! I just don't know!!!
I love you my sweet boy Nicholas James.
Sweet Dreams son, and I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
continued from yesterday,
I went and got you flowers, skittles, Hershey's 'Hug & kisses" chocolate, and a "Green" Amp to bring to you. I picked up the newspaper on my way there and on the front page it had it big bold letters..."HIS MEMORY LIVES ON"...it took my breath away. It was an article about a state trooper that was shot 10 yrs ago, and they were doing a story on it, and it just happened to be on this day and on the front page.
I know things like this don't mean much to others but ALL of these small things are very significant to me and mean so much. It is God's way of loving me and helping me.
So, just as I go over the railroad tracks to come see you..."Pocket full of sunshine" comes on the radio, my favorite song!!! Another beautiful touch from God.
So I pull up to your Garden and get out of the car. I need scissors to cut the flower stems, I put the rest in Shelby's vase. I go to the car to find them, I realize they may be in truck so I go to pop the handle for the trunk and there next to the button is a penny, awe...another gift, I couldn't help but smile. They weren't in the trunk either all along they were in the car...but I didn't see them, God wanted me to find the penny.
So, I sat with you and drank the amp, and listened to some of my best songs recorded on my cell ph, like Love me when I'm gone, Blurry, Crawling ( a song I remember you blasting)Wonderful, Hear without you...to name a few. Nick, I miss you so much honey. I will never get over this, but I am going on. I didn't think or know I could, but I am. It doesn't minimize my missing you or loving you, and it doesn't erase the pain and the memories of what has happened. It doesn't take away the pain I felt inside for you when your baby girl died son!!!
Melissa called me, your Aunt Kim called me, lots of my friends called and texted. your dad and I texted too. It was a rough day as I shall NEVER ever forget it, but the hidden blessing was revealed. I took you and hugged and kissed you that morning and I am so thankful I got that.
greg texted me from school and asked if I would take him to dream Weaver's, so we went there after school. Journey and Greg made a necklace. I'm gonna bring your Dream catcher in and leave it for display for a couple weeks for others to see. Do you know that I have not had one single dream of you since you been gone...good or bad dream...not a one. I guess it's working. I'm taking it down tonight to take in tomorrow. I guess I've been afraid that I would have nightmares about you, so I haven't ever taken it down.
I MISS YOU......more than one could ever imagine.
I LOVE YOU MORE MY BEAUTIFUL NICHOLAS JAMES ~moma~
I know things like this don't mean much to others but ALL of these small things are very significant to me and mean so much. It is God's way of loving me and helping me.
So, just as I go over the railroad tracks to come see you..."Pocket full of sunshine" comes on the radio, my favorite song!!! Another beautiful touch from God.
So I pull up to your Garden and get out of the car. I need scissors to cut the flower stems, I put the rest in Shelby's vase. I go to the car to find them, I realize they may be in truck so I go to pop the handle for the trunk and there next to the button is a penny, awe...another gift, I couldn't help but smile. They weren't in the trunk either all along they were in the car...but I didn't see them, God wanted me to find the penny.
So, I sat with you and drank the amp, and listened to some of my best songs recorded on my cell ph, like Love me when I'm gone, Blurry, Crawling ( a song I remember you blasting)Wonderful, Hear without you...to name a few. Nick, I miss you so much honey. I will never get over this, but I am going on. I didn't think or know I could, but I am. It doesn't minimize my missing you or loving you, and it doesn't erase the pain and the memories of what has happened. It doesn't take away the pain I felt inside for you when your baby girl died son!!!
Melissa called me, your Aunt Kim called me, lots of my friends called and texted. your dad and I texted too. It was a rough day as I shall NEVER ever forget it, but the hidden blessing was revealed. I took you and hugged and kissed you that morning and I am so thankful I got that.
greg texted me from school and asked if I would take him to dream Weaver's, so we went there after school. Journey and Greg made a necklace. I'm gonna bring your Dream catcher in and leave it for display for a couple weeks for others to see. Do you know that I have not had one single dream of you since you been gone...good or bad dream...not a one. I guess it's working. I'm taking it down tonight to take in tomorrow. I guess I've been afraid that I would have nightmares about you, so I haven't ever taken it down.
I MISS YOU......more than one could ever imagine.
I LOVE YOU MORE MY BEAUTIFUL NICHOLAS JAMES ~moma~
Thursday, October 8, 2009
NICHOLAS
I year ago today was the last time I heard your voice, kissed your face and felt your warm arms around me.You left for your trip to Cali on this morning in 2008. I got up and came and got you because Jess called me and said she was running late to work, and asked me if I would take you and your Dad to the airport. I AM SO DAMN GRATEFUL SHE DID!!!I came to your house and helped you get your things together and loaded up. You were lolly-gagging along a bit, then picked up your DAD. He was a lil upset cuz he didn't want to be late and miss the plane, but I got you there in plenty of time. I told him to "Be Nice" to you cuz he was being a little grumpy.
Once we were there and the bags were unloaded, we said our "GOOD-BYE"S. Little did I know...it would be our final EMBRACE, KISS, SMILE, HUG and GOOD-BYE for now!!!It is beyond ME how I have made it through this far without you here and knowing how much you went through until that FINAL day on OCT. 23rd.
I woke up early early this morning and watched the sun rise with you son, it is so beautiful, and there was one star in the sky still visible, still shinning bright...that is your star. Journey texts me in the mornings after she gets on the bus and tells me to go outside and take pictures and to look at the sky because it is so pretty in the morning's here in WA. This morning it was magnificent!
I miss you...beyond human comprehension.
I love you more ~moma~
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Nick
Good morning son,
The sun is shinning and it is a beautiful warm fall day!!
I miss you sweet boy.
The leaves are changing colors, the air is getting crisp, and winter is on it's way, but today the sun is shinning and I'm gonna go enjoy it.
I'm bringing you a pumpkin today.
I miss you Nicky, my baby, my boy, my son...forever.
I love you more ~moma~
The sun is shinning and it is a beautiful warm fall day!!
I miss you sweet boy.
The leaves are changing colors, the air is getting crisp, and winter is on it's way, but today the sun is shinning and I'm gonna go enjoy it.
I'm bringing you a pumpkin today.
I miss you Nicky, my baby, my boy, my son...forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hi Sweet boy
I love you baby, it's been a rough and busy week. I miss you sweet boy. Journey texted me yesterday during her 2nd period and it said... " I MISS NICK" I just happened to be at the school talking with someone and I told her to come to the office. I excused her from class, we went and got something to drink then to see you and bring you and Shelby some beautiful peach colored roses. We sat for a bit and talked then I took her back to school.
I will write more later. I love you and miss you so much son, I can't even explain how badly.
I love you more ~moma~
I will write more later. I love you and miss you so much son, I can't even explain how badly.
I love you more ~moma~
Monday, October 5, 2009
Nicholas James
We all miss you so very much, this month has been hard!!!! I love you son, I miss you like crazy.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sweet Dreams sweet son
I love you Angel boy, I miss you so much.
I will write you later handsome boy.
My Beautiful Boy.
I love you more ~moma~
I will write you later handsome boy.
My Beautiful Boy.
I love you more ~moma~
Good morning son
I love you baby,
Football allllllll day. I am watching the 49er's of course, then Monday night football will be GB vs Vik... Go Green bay!!!
You have the best seat in the house. The Raider's lost to Houston...sorry babe!
After it rained all night, the wind decided to blow all day today. Your chimes are good. The dust is everywhere and it is cloudy today.
I will write you when the game is over.
I love you sweet boy.
Moma misses you....
I love you more ~moma~
Game over and OMG Nick, you are not gonna believe this. The niner's played the cardinals and shut them out!!! 35-0 that's right zip, notta, zero score for St. Luise. I don't get the station it comes on but I found a way to watch the game on my comp. No sound, but it's play by play showing a field, kinda weird but at least I got to know they were kicking butt. It was an awesome day for football today. Also, Denver beat Dallas...yesssss!!! Monday night football's gonna be good. I need to start having Monday night football with my girls friends. I have 3 girlfriends that love and know football well. Either that or we gotta start getting to together on Sunday's because all this is too much excitement for me, gotta share it. It's funny cuz we will be texting each other throughout the games. We are all so busy even when we are home watching the games. Lloyd and the kids were all here today but, there's always something else to do too. We all have kids to feed and love on, and laundry stacked up. But I'll bet if I put one together they would come. Just mention Chocolate cake and they'll come a runnin :).
Anyway, it's been a long, long time since I have enjoyed a football game let alone a Niner's one.
I went to the your garden today and made sure things were tightie...it was that windy. Lloyd, Greg, Journey and myself went. We cleaned off your stone from all the dust, it was thick. I rearranged your chimes so they wouldn't break in the wind. And when we left something happened today that has NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER has happened before. I didn't cry!!! I realized that by the time I was to the railroad tracks. I whispered it to LLoyd that this was the first time in almost a year of visiting your garden that I didn't cry while there or when I left. He just smiled and took my hand. Then you wanna know what happened, yep I started crying because I felt bad for not crying. Oh my goodness, this whole thing has got me crazy I swear.
I know it was good but I also realize I'm healing, even if it is just a little. I went to your garden with such urgency, to make sure things were ok after a night of raining and a morning of terrible wind and dust, I was afraid things would be a mess, they weren't. I did cry this morning thinking of you and I am crying now, but for the first time in 346 days, of those days I have come to your garden, I didn't cry. I really do wish someone could explain all this to my heart. Perhaps God is, for in my own understanding It makes no sense, no sense at all.
I miss little ShelbyPaige baby girl so much. I miss her sweetness, her chubby cheeks, her roley poley arms and legs, her eyes and the smell of her skin. I miss seeing the love in her eyes for me. I miss kissing her and calling her "Nana's Girl". I miss it all. And I miss what could have been, for sure. I miss you both and there are no words to describe what it feels like...cuz there are none. I swear Nick I could write you forever, and I will, until one sweet day I too will be with you.
I still sleep with your shirts on at bedtime. I gave Journey a pair of your jammy bottoms and she loves them, you know the ones with the monkeys on them with the hole in the back, she won't let me sew it either. Greg wears your beanie's everyday.
Friday night we went to the Richland Bombers game against Hanford and I knew it would be chilly, so before I even left I went into your draw (a special one with only your clothes in it and put on your long johns, I am so glad I did they kept me warm and it was great. I know they are supposed to fit snug, and they fit perfect. I only weigh 117-122 and I know you were at least 145. Lloyd brought a couple blankets just in case. He said I should put it up around my back. I told him my back wasn't cold( and it wasn't) cuz Nick's keeping it warm!!!
It is getting past 11 and past my bed time so I better get to sleep. I am taking the kids to school tomorrow as I try and do that once a week, they love it. It saves them a 30 minute trip on the bus.
I miss you my sweet sweet Nicholas James.
I will write you later. I love you so much and Shelby Bear too.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
Football allllllll day. I am watching the 49er's of course, then Monday night football will be GB vs Vik... Go Green bay!!!
You have the best seat in the house. The Raider's lost to Houston...sorry babe!
After it rained all night, the wind decided to blow all day today. Your chimes are good. The dust is everywhere and it is cloudy today.
I will write you when the game is over.
I love you sweet boy.
Moma misses you....
I love you more ~moma~
Game over and OMG Nick, you are not gonna believe this. The niner's played the cardinals and shut them out!!! 35-0 that's right zip, notta, zero score for St. Luise. I don't get the station it comes on but I found a way to watch the game on my comp. No sound, but it's play by play showing a field, kinda weird but at least I got to know they were kicking butt. It was an awesome day for football today. Also, Denver beat Dallas...yesssss!!! Monday night football's gonna be good. I need to start having Monday night football with my girls friends. I have 3 girlfriends that love and know football well. Either that or we gotta start getting to together on Sunday's because all this is too much excitement for me, gotta share it. It's funny cuz we will be texting each other throughout the games. We are all so busy even when we are home watching the games. Lloyd and the kids were all here today but, there's always something else to do too. We all have kids to feed and love on, and laundry stacked up. But I'll bet if I put one together they would come. Just mention Chocolate cake and they'll come a runnin :).
Anyway, it's been a long, long time since I have enjoyed a football game let alone a Niner's one.
I went to the your garden today and made sure things were tightie...it was that windy. Lloyd, Greg, Journey and myself went. We cleaned off your stone from all the dust, it was thick. I rearranged your chimes so they wouldn't break in the wind. And when we left something happened today that has NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER has happened before. I didn't cry!!! I realized that by the time I was to the railroad tracks. I whispered it to LLoyd that this was the first time in almost a year of visiting your garden that I didn't cry while there or when I left. He just smiled and took my hand. Then you wanna know what happened, yep I started crying because I felt bad for not crying. Oh my goodness, this whole thing has got me crazy I swear.
I know it was good but I also realize I'm healing, even if it is just a little. I went to your garden with such urgency, to make sure things were ok after a night of raining and a morning of terrible wind and dust, I was afraid things would be a mess, they weren't. I did cry this morning thinking of you and I am crying now, but for the first time in 346 days, of those days I have come to your garden, I didn't cry. I really do wish someone could explain all this to my heart. Perhaps God is, for in my own understanding It makes no sense, no sense at all.
I miss little ShelbyPaige baby girl so much. I miss her sweetness, her chubby cheeks, her roley poley arms and legs, her eyes and the smell of her skin. I miss seeing the love in her eyes for me. I miss kissing her and calling her "Nana's Girl". I miss it all. And I miss what could have been, for sure. I miss you both and there are no words to describe what it feels like...cuz there are none. I swear Nick I could write you forever, and I will, until one sweet day I too will be with you.
I still sleep with your shirts on at bedtime. I gave Journey a pair of your jammy bottoms and she loves them, you know the ones with the monkeys on them with the hole in the back, she won't let me sew it either. Greg wears your beanie's everyday.
Friday night we went to the Richland Bombers game against Hanford and I knew it would be chilly, so before I even left I went into your draw (a special one with only your clothes in it and put on your long johns, I am so glad I did they kept me warm and it was great. I know they are supposed to fit snug, and they fit perfect. I only weigh 117-122 and I know you were at least 145. Lloyd brought a couple blankets just in case. He said I should put it up around my back. I told him my back wasn't cold( and it wasn't) cuz Nick's keeping it warm!!!
It is getting past 11 and past my bed time so I better get to sleep. I am taking the kids to school tomorrow as I try and do that once a week, they love it. It saves them a 30 minute trip on the bus.
I miss you my sweet sweet Nicholas James.
I will write you later. I love you so much and Shelby Bear too.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
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