***ALMOST NEW YEARS....AGAIN****

Damn-It and your not here with me again.......
I will write you on 1/1/11, okay son. I am gonna try to rest. Journey did her 1ST professional photo shoot today, they shot over 4,100 pictures....WOW!!!! He loved her, the camera loved her, and she loved the day. She is so very beautiful, she takes moma's breath away, truly.
I miss you with all the broken pieces of my heart.

I love you more moma~

*****I love you sweet Son******

Nicholas,
I love you son, miss you as always....It's almost "New Year's" and of course another freaken Holiday to cry through missing you, UGH!!!! It never freaken ends I swear.

Hear You Me/May Angels Lead You In -- Jimmy Eat World w/ Lyrics!

***Sweet Dreams***

Your third Christmas with Jesus Nicholas...I know you are safe I know you are not in pain, I know I will see you again sweet son.

***My Dearest Nicholas***

Today I miss you probably worse than any other day, except for your Birthday, Mother's Day and my birthday!!!

Christmas was always about Jesus and His love for us, but it was also about giving gifts to my children and seeing thier faces light up as they were surprised by all the wonderful they received on Christmas Day. God how I miss the enjoyment of shopping, the fun in wrapping the gifts, the saound of your voice and laughter on Christmas Morning, and all the memories and pictures we would take each year. I miss seeing you grow, watching you change, into a more beautiful man thean you already were! I miss your hugs and "hello pretty Moma" on Christmas morning, I miss seeing your beautiful face, I miss you hugging me. I miss you playing with your little brother and sister, and helping them put thier new toys and things together to make them work. I miss having you at the dinner table with us and watching you eat like you were eating for an army:)

I am cooking dinner this year though, all of it, I'm going all out. I will have a place for you at the table son, you will be here in spirit if not at all.

I miss you so much today it hurts!!!

Lloyd and the kids went to Gr, Pielstick's of course. I stayed back to finish cooking our Christmas dinner. I do not feel like putting on a FAKE-FACE or pretending to smile just to please or appease ANYONE!!! Truth is, I am sad and missing you and choose not to share my grief with them. It is such a private personal pain I feel losing you son, and they do not understand my heartache!!!

I love you more than words can say, and I miss you beyond explaination!!!

I will write you later my son. I just wanted to send you hugs and kisses today. Please give Nana, Greg, ShelbyPaige, and the rest of our family hugs from Moma. Tell Jesus I said Happy Birthday and even though I don't act like it sometimes, I do love Him.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you....I love you more, forevermore,

Moma~

***Merry Christmas Eve Son***

Nicholas,
Moma misses you so much, here we are again, Christmastime, UGH!!! I love you so much son, and I hurt so much tonight missing you:(

I will write you tomorrow son, I love you more Moma~

***Nick Nick***

Geeze son, It will be Christmas in 2 days, and It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. It is always a hard time this time of year, nothing is the same and especially major holidays. They don't have the same joy or meaning anymore. I do hope that changes, as I love Christmas, but not since you died son

I am so sad without you here, I do pray I can live again with joy, and be a good Moma and be good to myself again. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the last 2, I've gained weight cuz I don't eat right, and I don't sllep very well. I still smoke and now I drink, I am self-destructing. I want to be well again, God help me.
I miss you so much Nicholas, I love you more Moma~

******Forevermore******I Love You******

There Is No GOD?

Thereis no God? All of the wonders around us are accidental? No All


mighty hand made a thousand billion stars, they made themselves? No power kept them on thear steady course? The earth spins itself to keep the oceans from falling off toward the sun? Infants teach themselves to cry when they are hungry or hurt? A small flower invented itself so that we could extract digitalis for sick hearts?


The earth gave itself day and night, and tilted itself so we get 4 different seasons? Without the magnetic poles man would be able to navigate the trackless oceans of water and air, but they just grew there?


How about the sugar thermostat in the pancreas? It maintains a level of sugar in the blood sufficient for energy, without it, all of us would fall into a coma and die!!!


Why does snow sit on the mountain tops waiting for the warm spring sun to melt it at just the right time for the young crops below to drink? A very lovely accident!!!


The human heart will beat 70 to 80 years without faltering. How does it get sufficient rest inbetween beats? A kidney will filter poison from the blood and leave the good things alone. How does it know one from the other?


Who gave the human tongue flexibility to form words, and a brain to understand them, yet deied it to all other animals?


Who showed a womb how to take the love of two persons and keep on splitting a tiny ovum until, in time, a baby would have the proper number of fingers, eyes, and ears, and hair in the right places, and come into the world when it is strong enough to sustain life???

There Is No GOD???


Author Unknown: Taken from a Readers Digest in middle-late 1980's!

***Nicholas, I know you gave Nike a hug***

Hi son, well as you know Nike made his way home and crossed the bridge last night. Auntie Julie still hasn't really processed it all yet, it's gonna take a few and it will be real, then not, then real, then not!!! It may be easier for us by far to lose a pet next to a child, but we both know he was her second son, her end all be all. But she will be ok, and I know at some point she will be loving and giving another loyal kitty.

Well, I have received 17 (pos) cards thus far:) It is so comforting to receive these cards from other moma's who have experienced the physical death of their child in the same way I have. They truly do UNDERSTAND. They understand my loss, my pain, my thoughts and my tears, tears that will fall from my eyes til the day I take my last breath on earth. I will miss you forever, until "The Chain Links Again". I love you sweet boy.
Christmas is upon us, It does not 'feel" like Christmas at all!!! For many reasons, the first being our family chian has broken and can never be fixed, but it can link up again, once we are all reunited in heaven. For 2 Greg & Journey don't want to "celebrate" it this year. We barely got a tree, and we barely have it decorated, lights and 3 ornaments. But it is pretty and it brings a warm feeling to my cold heart.
I will write you soon son, hugs and lots of kisses too. Forever my boy, forever in my heart, forever missed.
i love you more, moma~

***Merry Christmas in Heaven Son***

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, Open your eyes,Love and Go on.
*****************************************************
*****************************************************

***Merry Christmas Nick***

***Love you***

Hi Handsome son,
I love you sweet son, We went to "The Candle Lighting" ceremony tonight at Sunset Gardens. It was another beautiful ceremony, there were so many more people there this year, it shows great support for those of us who have lost our children. But it also say's, there are more grieving parents and that is always sad.
You are not forgotten son, your life, your love and your memory will forever live on and on.As long as there is breath in me, you too shall live.
KNDO news was there tonight and they showed your picture on the news Nick, it is so surreal!!!I still can't believe I am One of "The" parents at an event like that:( It's still so hard to admit you aren't here honey. God knows I miss you so much and there will always be a hole in my heart where you occupied it with your life.
I will write you later son,

I love you more moma~

I MISS YOU NICK

HI SON.....I MISS YOU SO MUCH :(  :(  :(
GOD I MISS YOU......I love you MORE.....

FOREVERMORE...MOMA~ OUR HEARTS TOGETHER FOREVER:)

L is for Love......

***Hello in Heaven Son***

Kisses to you Nicholas, moma misses you so much, the holidays are the worse for me still, those and night time. I still have intrusive thoughts throughout my days and difficulty falling alseep. In the morning you are the first thought in my head. But, I have progressed a bit in my grief son. I used to wake up every morning after you died for 2 straight years saying "Oh god it's morning" now I say " Oh good morning God". I still miss you as ever before, and cry for you daily. But I do have more sweet memories and tears joy instead of agony and oain:) I am so very grateful Nick that I was blessed for 25 years of a beautiful life with you. Thank you for loving me. I will always love you even beyond the grave, for all eternity.
Today is 12-11-10. This date we won't see for another 100 years. I won't see it though, I'll be with you sweet boy :)  :)  :)
It's snowing again...we had a break for 2 days then it started again today. I love watching it snow, and it does remind me of you so much:) That's a good memory!!! I miss you Nick....so so much:( I miss your love, your smile, your laugh, your voice, your hugs, your eyes, your beautiful cards you would buy for me, you coming in the house and heading straight for the frig and saying you got something to eat moma?, I miss I miss I miss....
I will write later sweet boy.

I love you more moma~

My Beautiful Boy

Hi my son...
I love you baby, and miss you as always. God is giving me some relief in the past few weeks son, but with the Holidays upon us, it is so difficult to celebrate them without you here. Only by Go's grace am I making it through Nick Nick!!! I will write you later son, I love you I love you I love you I love you~

I love you more forevermore~