Nick

I love you son and miss you madly!
I had a long and great conversation with your "sweets" on the phone this morning. We don't get a chance to talk or get together very often, her work, my schedule and all the painful everyday memories and living through losing you and Shelby, has been an uphill battle for all of us but for her and I it has been incredibly private and personal, painful journey...together but separate! Hard to explain, but we get "IT" and we get each other, because of who You and Shelby were to Jess and I we really do understand each others hearts more than anyone else, and I am grateful to have her in my life.
I miss you sweet son, and ShelbyPaige too. Our lives are so incredibly different without you both in it. The pain of losing you both collides and conflicts with the love you both gave to me while you were here. My heart is continuously confused, happy-sad, and growing in understanding. I will never "Get Over" You or Shelby dieing, but I will get "Through" it by the grace of God and by His might I will, I will.
I have something to share with you son... you will love this. I QUIT today!!! I quit smoking, Lord help me now to stay stopped. I know you would be proud of me son. As I have not stopped smoking since the day I got the call from you on June 29th 2008, that our Beautiful ShelbyPaige had passed. I shall never forget that phone call, your voice, my urgency to get to you, and have you fall into my arms...and you did, you both did. And I shall never forget the phone call I got from your Dad on Oct, 23rd 2008, that you were gone now too, and how I had to tell Jess to come, and to pick up and tell your Brother and Sister from school that day that you were dead too. I called Lloyd first and all I could do was cry and finally told him you were dead, and he was home in minutes. It was a blur from there for a while, in and out of consciousness ever since really. Some things I am allowed to remember right away, other things have come slowly and by friends and family. Somethings are as vivid today as they were on that day. It is all been pieced together like a puzzle. Each one of us carries a piece of you, and each one of us has shared that piece of you, and as a whole, and together we have a beautiful picture of you and your life, you were beautiful. My Beautiful Boy!!!
I miss you beyond tears and beyond human comprehension. As I am finishing up my note to you Nick, Lloyd came in from burning the tumble weeds outside and handed me a single purple flower. He said it was the only one in our entire front yard! Thank you son, for the beautiful flower today :)
I will write you later my boy. I'm going to "The Garden" today.
I love you more ~moma~

My sweet boy Nick

Hi baby,
Nicholas James..... You are HEAVY on my heart today son!!! I got that icky feeling going on! I have been doing so much better then today, well my heart felt like it was shattering all over again!
Oh my Nick...I miss you so much my beautiful son. My heart hurts today....I know you are gone...but not forgotten, and only from THIS world...I will see you in the hereafter!
You may not be in my everyday life, but everyday of my life I still love you. I can't make or tell my heart to stop crying! It starts and stops when its done!
This is where I am right now!
It's a gazillion times worse than being stuck between a rock and a hard spot.
Oh Nick, I have no other words right now except...I want to kiss you, hug you, love you, smell you, touch you and tell you I LOVE YOU.
If there was ever a time I had the power to turn back the hands of time it would be now!!!
I know GOD has a plan, and my head understands that, but my heart, well my heart never will.
I love you so much my Nicholas James Devine.
I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas

I love you sweet boy, I miss you madly.
Sweet Dreams my boy.
I love you more ~moma~

Good morning

Nicholas,
I love you son, I miss you so much.
Hi sweet boy :0
Journey woke up this morning and the first thing she said to me was " I didn't have any bad dreams moma"!!! She is CONVINCED I tell you, that the dream catcher I made has kept bad dreams away. We hung it up last night in my room where it has been all along. Whatever it takes right now...She understands it is just a symbol, like a cross necklace is representation to believing in Christ but it isn't Christ himself, but there is power in the cross! Well, she believes there is something about having that in the house. It's all good, her Faith is in God, and there is nothing wrong with her at 14, relating to your dream catcher in this fashion. I also have stopped her from watching certain things on TV IE; crime shows, forensics, intervention...for now.
Your Aunt and Uncle went to the ocean for their Ann. this year and found a resort and restaurant called "Nicks". She got a bunch of stuff from there, and we got the package from her 2 days ago. I don't know how long it was on the front porch, as we rarely use the front. Inside was a cap, a t-shirt, a wine glass, napkins, menu, a brochure, 2 candles, matches, business card, a laminated history sheet, a post card and a map to show where it is. Along with all that a beautiful card to us from your Aunt Kim and "UNK" a card from Dylan, Kaitlyn, Andrea and Shane. Andrea also wrote me a letter and sent along a stone and a sea shell from when Dylan (her boyfriend) was in Hawaii. It was so sweet and just made my face and heart smile a mile wide. Thank you all of you. I know you read "Nick's" blog daily so I love you and thank you so much for thinking of us. we love you too.
I gotta get dinner going son, I love you and miss you so very very very much.
I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you Nick

Hi my sweet Nicholas,
I miss you Nicholas James.
I love you honey and thought about you a hundred times today.
Journey and I went and picked up my dream catcher, she wanted it back.
It has been a very busy but productive day.
I'm going to bed son, and wanted to tell you "Sweet Dreams" and I love you.
I received a beautiful package from your Aunt Kim today with some amazing gifts in it. I will share with you tomorrow honey.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~

Good morning,

Hi my sweet Nick,
I love you Nicholas and miss you sweet son.
I am going to to friends this morning, the bank, and to pick up your dream catcher, Journey wants it back today. She had another dream about one of Greg's friends it wasn't good, but at least it wasn't about Greg. Pamela reminded me to play worship CD at night. Praise the Lord for excellent, true, God-fearing friends who Really care about me and our family. Selena reminded me of many great blessings last night too, she is another true long time friend. Joyce and I talked on the ph. for about an hour 2 days ago too, she is amazing, smart and feels me. I will tell you a story later about how she sat 3 nights ago crying and crying and I was heavy on her heart. God showed her why the next morning. Bless them today Lord in Extraordinary ways, and their families.
God help us all, especially our children. You are with God Nick, I am grateful for that, sad though you are not with us anymore. I miss you soooooo much my love.
I will write you later son I love you so much.
I love you more ~moma~

My Nicholas

I miss you......
I love you my Angel Boy....
I love you more ~moma~

I love you Nicholas

Good morning son,
Hi my sweet Nicholas James,
Well son, I had an interesting day today to say the least!
Last night Journey and I baked about 140 cup cakes to take to Taylor and Alex's services today at 4:00. You met them Monday and Tuesday.
The day started of kinda strange, sissy woke me up about 6:30 and I could see she was clearly upset (crying and sad), I sat up instantly and said whats wrong baby. She said she had a "bad dream". I said come here and she lay down next to me and cried, I asked her what it was about and I wont write it here but Greg and moma were killed, daddy was gone, and she was by herself. It was an Awful, awful nightmare. I stroked her hair, pray with her right then, and told her it was ok. I told her to stay home today from school today and rest and she could help me get things ready to take to the funeral.
So, we picked Greg up from sch. and headed to the services to drop food off. When we got there we were one of the first to show up, so we just started helping with the tables, food and whatever else they wanted us to do. It was like "I" wasn't in my body today! The spirit of God was upon me and guided me through the day. We stayed for the services, had a bite to eat, saw Selena, Miranda, Raymond and Dolly, and a few others friends then left for home. When we got here I lay down about 6ish and fell asleep til after 9:30. I was emotionally drained and didn't know it. I wasn't busted up today....it was like I was not me, I was on auto pilot, only on God's grace, he did bring me to a place of service and love today. But after Journey having that nightmare I knew I had to go get it, but we all worked together today for those 2 families so we didn't think about it even though we drove right by Dream Weavers! We were on a mission. So, Journey asked me tonight to please put my dream catcher up she didn't know I took it there. So, I got one of your little ones and hung it above her bed tonight before bed and prayed with her. It has been kinda of an out of body experience today for me, and yet I came in and out. God has a way of protecting, loving, and directing our minds when we don't know whats best, He always does.
It is late and I need to go to sleep my sweet son. I miss you so very much and I love you more than words can ever express. I will always miss you and love you Nick!!!
I will write you later. You are and always will be "MY BABY".
I love you more ~moma~

My Dearest Nicholas

I never will forget you son
but I must go on,
I want to think of you
everyday,
and let your sweetness linger,
as my heartache fades away.
I'm not saying good-bye,
or even letting you go,
just the sadness, anger and pain,
so I can live once again.
The path that I now trudge,
many have toiled before,
will be with me my whole life through,
but daily as your moma,
I will, remember you.
I love you more ~moma~

NICHOLAS JAMES DEVINE

I love you so much sweet boy.
We saw Lindsey and Zoe tonight at M'ds, they were having ice cream. it was so cool, cuz lloyd and I sent Journey and Greg in to get us sundae's, and they were there! We had to go return movies and stopped by there first. It was so good to see her, it's been awhile.
The last football game ended a bit ago, Colts and Titans. The colts killed them. What a day in foorball.
Greg is cleaning his room and Journey is doing laundry. I am writing you...missing you so very much.
I took my dream catcher down to dream weavers yesterday, they will display it for a couple weeks. I still haven't dreamt about you...not one dream baby, or Shelby for that matter. You know when you dream you think it is real til you wake up, I just want to have a sweet beautiful happy dream of you. I'm still a little afraid I might have a bad one, but not too bad. I just want to kiss you again, hear your voice and hug you in my dreams. my hearts aches daily for you my boy, it will always miss you and ache for you.
I love you sweet boy, sweet dreams. I will write you later.
I miss you...
I love you more ~moma~

Hi my sweet nick,

I love you babe, I miss you.
It's a football day again, the Giants are killin the Raiders, dang sry babe. The niner's are gettin killed right now by the Falcons, dang it they had a great week last wk, today not so good.
Lloyd and Greg are almost ready to put Audi up for sell, it's been a bit of a thorn in our sides, I just pray it sells fast, so Greg can get his next project.
I will write you later son, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~

Nick

Hi sweet boy,
We are watching a movie called "Mother". Journey has 2 friends over.
We just got back from walmart, I had to get some cake mixes for cup cakes. Journey and I are gonna bake 48 on Monday. I am taking them to a double funeral for the refreshments after the service. There was a bad car accident on the Richland bridge on the Pasco side Monday about 5 pm. 2 girls age 11 and 12 that died, they were cousins, such a tragic story, the 6 yr old boy and the Father made it though. Unbelievable!
Anyway gonna watch the movie then hit the hay. Journey and I are going to mds tomorrow. I miss you my sweet son. Journey Ash and Hannah stopped by your garden tonight and brought you a spider candle holder with a pumpkin as the glass bowl that holds the candle. I brought you a taller vase so I don't have to cut the stems so short for your flowers.
love you Nicholas James...forevermore.
Sweet Dreams, sweet boy.
I love you more ~moma~