It is 9 pm now, this was taken earlier about 3, there's a little more now:)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
My Heavenly Christmas:
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular! Please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up
here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away,
we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones.
You know I hold you dear
and be glad I'm spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
So, have a Joyous Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular! Please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up
here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away,
we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones.
You know I hold you dear
and be glad I'm spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
So, have a Joyous Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
Sweet Dreams son,
Nicholas sweet boy,
Today has been a day from hell, busy, stressed, and very long. But you did send to find a very small, white, baby feather today. I was sweeping the laundry room floor and there it was laying on the floor. Thank you son. Then earlier today when I went to pick up Greg and Journey from school I found a penny on the ground...wow two gifts in one day from you.:)
I miss you sweet son and wish I could hug you right now, I sure could use it. I will write you later and explain my day. I am so beat and need to go to sleep. I have to work really hard to get Christmas cards out tomorrow, I have been so busy with everything and everybody. I miss you terribly Nick, Nick.
I love you more ~moma~
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I miss you sweet son:( If I let you go son, will you come see me in my dreams??? I want to kiss you and hug you son!!! I will hold you close always and deep in my heart but let you go to be at peace...for you and me!
I want you so badly son!!! The ache in my heart and soul is crushing- it feels like I am suffocating- just to breath in and out is something I have to tell myself to do when I have an attack. I go from, ok to angry to sad to down to pissed off to depressed to devastating to a fit of violent rage to ok to a screaming outburst to numb to hurt to disbelief to unthinkable pain to a panic attack to being completely still.These are just words, what I "FEEL" can never be expressed!!! The turbulence my body experiences is indefinable....really. I swear I do not know how we Moma's and Daddy's get through this!!!! I do KNOW your mind, your head, your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your boby was so wounded!!! I know son, I know, and I am so sorry baby that you ever felt 1 flipping ounce of that pain, it just should not be. If I had the power to save you, heal you, take it all away, make all the bad thoughts, hurt and pain disappear, I would have in a moment, I would have given my life for you to be alive and well sweet boy, so you could have a longer more perfect beautiful life, here with your brother and sister, Jess, and everyone. I don't, didn't, and never will have that kind of power, and that is part of the turbulence in my life is I am, was and always will be powerless over certain things in my life!!!
Then I have moments of you, your life, your love, your smile, your touch, your hugs, your laughter, your voice, your humor, your beautiful spirit, then I smile because... I am reminded that not only did I know, but I was blessed beyond imagining to have LOVED (for 25 yrs) one of the most Beautiful, Compassionate, Smart, Loving, Creative, Giving, Caring, Kind, Funny, Passionate, Gentle souls that ever lived. And God chose me to be "YOUR" moma Nick and He chose "YOU" to be my beautiful Boy...my honor, my pleasure, my blessing. I miss you beyond description!!! I just kiss and hug your big picture, and sometimes I hold my hands close and tight to my chest, because you are in my heart and there I can hug you too:( You are still here in my heart...forever!!!!
I miss you so much baby, my Nick, my Love, my Son....I miss you.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
I want you so badly son!!! The ache in my heart and soul is crushing- it feels like I am suffocating- just to breath in and out is something I have to tell myself to do when I have an attack. I go from, ok to angry to sad to down to pissed off to depressed to devastating to a fit of violent rage to ok to a screaming outburst to numb to hurt to disbelief to unthinkable pain to a panic attack to being completely still.These are just words, what I "FEEL" can never be expressed!!! The turbulence my body experiences is indefinable....really. I swear I do not know how we Moma's and Daddy's get through this!!!! I do KNOW your mind, your head, your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your boby was so wounded!!! I know son, I know, and I am so sorry baby that you ever felt 1 flipping ounce of that pain, it just should not be. If I had the power to save you, heal you, take it all away, make all the bad thoughts, hurt and pain disappear, I would have in a moment, I would have given my life for you to be alive and well sweet boy, so you could have a longer more perfect beautiful life, here with your brother and sister, Jess, and everyone. I don't, didn't, and never will have that kind of power, and that is part of the turbulence in my life is I am, was and always will be powerless over certain things in my life!!!
Then I have moments of you, your life, your love, your smile, your touch, your hugs, your laughter, your voice, your humor, your beautiful spirit, then I smile because... I am reminded that not only did I know, but I was blessed beyond imagining to have LOVED (for 25 yrs) one of the most Beautiful, Compassionate, Smart, Loving, Creative, Giving, Caring, Kind, Funny, Passionate, Gentle souls that ever lived. And God chose me to be "YOUR" moma Nick and He chose "YOU" to be my beautiful Boy...my honor, my pleasure, my blessing. I miss you beyond description!!! I just kiss and hug your big picture, and sometimes I hold my hands close and tight to my chest, because you are in my heart and there I can hug you too:( You are still here in my heart...forever!!!!
I miss you so much baby, my Nick, my Love, my Son....I miss you.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
My Gifts to Me on Christmas Mourning,
My gift to me is to acknowledge that the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event.
My gift to me is to acknowledge my wish list: to put up a tree-if I wish; to send cards-if I wish; to have our traditional Christmas-if I wish; to go on a holiday-if I wish.
My gift to me is to admit that I won't always have to celebrate the holidays this way, but for the time being, this is how I must cope.
My gift to me is to be aware that the sights, sounds, smells and music of the holiday season may bring "grief bursts". This is OK. This is my tribute to my Beloved son.
My gift to me is to take care of me and allow myself to have some "time-out" and indulge in an emotional and spiritual retreat.
My gift to me is to remember something special about My sweet boy Nicholas James Devine, and share that memory with others who support me.
My gift to me is to disallow others to force me into doing things I don't want to do; I will not let them "should" on me.
My gift to me is to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten my beautiful Nick.
My gift to me is to not numb myself with excessive eating, drinking, or drugs, or harm myself or others, if an emotional crisis occurs; I will turn to those who love and support me.
My gift to me is to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.
This is my gift to me on Christmas Mourning....
My gift to me is to acknowledge that the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event.
My gift to me is to acknowledge my wish list: to put up a tree-if I wish; to send cards-if I wish; to have our traditional Christmas-if I wish; to go on a holiday-if I wish.
My gift to me is to admit that I won't always have to celebrate the holidays this way, but for the time being, this is how I must cope.
My gift to me is to be aware that the sights, sounds, smells and music of the holiday season may bring "grief bursts". This is OK. This is my tribute to my Beloved son.
My gift to me is to take care of me and allow myself to have some "time-out" and indulge in an emotional and spiritual retreat.
My gift to me is to remember something special about My sweet boy Nicholas James Devine, and share that memory with others who support me.
My gift to me is to disallow others to force me into doing things I don't want to do; I will not let them "should" on me.
My gift to me is to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten my beautiful Nick.
My gift to me is to not numb myself with excessive eating, drinking, or drugs, or harm myself or others, if an emotional crisis occurs; I will turn to those who love and support me.
My gift to me is to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.
This is my gift to me on Christmas Mourning....
Nicholas James
Greg and Journey decorating your tree son ~love you~
Good morning sweet son,
I love you...I miss you.
Today I am getting Christmas cards ready to be sent out. I have met a few really neat mom's and dad's through my on line support group that I will be sending out cards to this year. Last year I was still numb and in very deep grief to even think about Christmas, let alone others during this time. This year I am committed to having a beautiful Christmas for us, and thinking of other mom's and dad's that are in my boat too:)In our group we share our love of our children who have gone on, our aches and pains, our hurt, and everything in between. We speak and understand one another. I am so GREATFUL for this group and that I found it. It has helped a lot and the people are so beautiful. We vent, cry, share, and listen to each others HEARTS. We share our lives, we talk about past and current thoughts, feelings etc. We talk about our living children and what we are doing in our lives each day to help them and ourselves move forward. To live as healthy as we can, now that we have buried one of our beautiful children. how do we live, how do we carry on, how do we reach out to help others, and whats helps when we are having a horribly rough day!
We got the tree up last night, but not decorated, we will do that tonight. We have so much, we will be donating to goodwill this year. It is so hard to look at all the personal ornaments, the ones with your pictures on them, the ones you made, and the ones I bought just for you to put on our tree over the years:( We will get through it- TOGETHER:)
Greg and Journey and I had a great time decorating your garden and your tree yesterday, it is so cute. I am sending you a pic now. Next year, I WILL BE DECORATING IT... with all blue bulbs and silver tensil. So, for those of you out there who decorated Nick's tree this year, thank you it is so beautiful. Next year I will be decorating with Greg & Journey and LLoyd. Thank you so much for your love and for thinking of Nick this year by making his tree look so beautiful. Many christmas blessings to you:)
I put a snow globe in your garden and Shelby's, and went by there this morning and it had exploded due to the freezing weather. Oops!!! Guess that wasn't a good idea, oh well. Your cute little reindeer ornament that i hung from your tree is very cute and it is made of a hard plastic so it won't shatter, so I'm glad about that:)
I miss you my beautiful son, I miss you so much. It was very hard to watch your brother and sister decorate your garden and tree, but they did it with such passion. They wanted to it, and it brought them a certain level of comfort and love from you, i saw it in their faces and eyes, I could hear it in their voice's, it was a very healthy thing to do.
The past couple of weeks I have been hearing your voice telling me to not be sad and to not cry everyday all the time for you, because you are safe, happy and free. Thank you Nick, I really need to hear that from you. You lil brat...you still haven't come visited me in my dreams!!! But I know you will when the time is right. I know you are happy, but come see moma anyway, okay?! Most importantly though is that you speak to me and I hear YOUR voice talking to me, I love that Nick. it is so clear and real. Thank you sweet boy.
I will write you later honey. You are loved and missed beyond measure.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you...I miss you.
Today I am getting Christmas cards ready to be sent out. I have met a few really neat mom's and dad's through my on line support group that I will be sending out cards to this year. Last year I was still numb and in very deep grief to even think about Christmas, let alone others during this time. This year I am committed to having a beautiful Christmas for us, and thinking of other mom's and dad's that are in my boat too:)In our group we share our love of our children who have gone on, our aches and pains, our hurt, and everything in between. We speak and understand one another. I am so GREATFUL for this group and that I found it. It has helped a lot and the people are so beautiful. We vent, cry, share, and listen to each others HEARTS. We share our lives, we talk about past and current thoughts, feelings etc. We talk about our living children and what we are doing in our lives each day to help them and ourselves move forward. To live as healthy as we can, now that we have buried one of our beautiful children. how do we live, how do we carry on, how do we reach out to help others, and whats helps when we are having a horribly rough day!
We got the tree up last night, but not decorated, we will do that tonight. We have so much, we will be donating to goodwill this year. It is so hard to look at all the personal ornaments, the ones with your pictures on them, the ones you made, and the ones I bought just for you to put on our tree over the years:( We will get through it- TOGETHER:)
Greg and Journey and I had a great time decorating your garden and your tree yesterday, it is so cute. I am sending you a pic now. Next year, I WILL BE DECORATING IT... with all blue bulbs and silver tensil. So, for those of you out there who decorated Nick's tree this year, thank you it is so beautiful. Next year I will be decorating with Greg & Journey and LLoyd. Thank you so much for your love and for thinking of Nick this year by making his tree look so beautiful. Many christmas blessings to you:)
I put a snow globe in your garden and Shelby's, and went by there this morning and it had exploded due to the freezing weather. Oops!!! Guess that wasn't a good idea, oh well. Your cute little reindeer ornament that i hung from your tree is very cute and it is made of a hard plastic so it won't shatter, so I'm glad about that:)
I miss you my beautiful son, I miss you so much. It was very hard to watch your brother and sister decorate your garden and tree, but they did it with such passion. They wanted to it, and it brought them a certain level of comfort and love from you, i saw it in their faces and eyes, I could hear it in their voice's, it was a very healthy thing to do.
The past couple of weeks I have been hearing your voice telling me to not be sad and to not cry everyday all the time for you, because you are safe, happy and free. Thank you Nick, I really need to hear that from you. You lil brat...you still haven't come visited me in my dreams!!! But I know you will when the time is right. I know you are happy, but come see moma anyway, okay?! Most importantly though is that you speak to me and I hear YOUR voice talking to me, I love that Nick. it is so clear and real. Thank you sweet boy.
I will write you later honey. You are loved and missed beyond measure.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Last night while I was trying to sleep,
my son's voice I did hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around but he did not appear.
He said, you've got to listen, you've got to understand,
God didn't take me from you,
He only took my hand.
When I cried out in pain that day,
the instant that I died he reached
down and took my hand,
and pulled me to his side.
He pulled me up and saved me,
from the misery and pain.
I was so badly wounded I could never be the same.
My search is really over,
I've found happiness within,
all answers to my empty dreams,
and all I might have been.
I love you all and miss you,
so please don't keep asking why?
My body's gone, gone forever,
but my spirit will never die!
So live until we meet again,
and please try to understand,
God didn't take me from you,
He only took my hand.
~Amen~
My Beautiful Nicholas James,
I miss you so very much son,
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
Young, they left our homes
in a moment, long or quick,
they were gone.
Dewdrops turned into teardrops,
the shining sea too small
to hold our grief.
"Give us our children back," we pled
as we noticed their plateless places
at the table.
Regret made a river through our days,
tempering laughter,
pervading sudden silences.
Bodies they had through us, with us
bodies housing minds and souls
no longer.
The holiday season's return
makes throb now the wounds
we felt at their parting,
wounds which may heal
in time, we hope,
into strength
but not yet, in this season
of snowflakes that sting and cookies
that somehow taste of vinegar.
"If only," goes our carol.
If only they could return to us
but no.
If only
we could speak with them
but no.
If only we could love them
so intensely that they could
feel our presence right now
but yes, yes to this one,
a thousand yesses--
they can.
How can they not feel our love,
being core in core with us,
heart in heart?
We give love this season to them and
to each other as plundered parents
and wounded healers.
With love flowing, something in our lives
a magnificent, mysterious Something
guides us like a star.
Wounded Holidays
By Alan Harris
Monday, December 7, 2009
Nicholas James
Two Hearts beating as one...yours and mine...I love you more
Hi sweet boy,
I picked up G&J after school and we went shopping for a couple hours together, it was nice to get out and it was good dinging around with the kids for awhile. we stopped by to say Hi, but we will come visit tomorrow after school to bring you gifts and LOVE for Christmas, okay!
I love you sweet boy, I miss you madly right now....every moma whose lost a child knows what MADLY means, others do not understand!!! I'm not alone...but I am, YOU WERE MINE!!! I love you baby, I love you so much sweet Nick, Nick.
Lloyd and Greg got all our Christmas decorations from the garage tonight and brought them in the house...here we go again...without you another Christmas! I can't believe it STILL!!!!
Stuff is everywhere, it is a Merry Mess, huh!! Made myself laugh for a sec.
Journey had cheer tonight, so I took her. I stayed for an hour and watched her, I'm so glad I did and so very proud of her accomplishments. She works SO freakin hard, oh my goodness Nick, I know you know!!! She is amazing and all the girls are doing better. But she's "THE BEST" honest:) So then Journey got home and we went through Christmas things, had dinner, checked out the lights etc. We will decorate tree tomorrow, together...ALL of us and you and Shelby! I cannot even IMAGINE how beautiful it is in heaven!!! I think about that a lot since your heaven birthday!!! I know you are happy, safe and free. I know you are loved, I miss you though. I still want you back Nick!!!
I have to get some rest I didn't have much last night, God knows!!!
I will write you later my sweet Nicholas James.
Sweet Dreams, I love you.....
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Son,
Today is Dec, 6th and officially Saint. Nicholas Day. So, I just wanted to say Happy St. Nicholas Day son. He was also known as, "The patron of Compassion". Imagine that!!! You were one of the most compassionate people I have ever or probably will ever meet or know in my life time.I love you more ~moma~
St. Nicholas:
Waves of European immigrants brought cherished St. Nicholas holiday traditions to the United States. Over time these have melded into some common practices. If one looks closely, these reveal some distinctive characteristics of beloved St. Nicholas.
Christmas stockings by the fireplace
And the stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there, goes the oft repeated Christmas rhyme. In the story of Nicholas rescuing the poor maidens from being sold into slavery, the gold dowry money, tossed in through the window, is said to have landed in stockings left to dry before the fire.
Orange or tangerine in the toe of filled Christmas stockings
The gold Nicholas threw to provide the dowry money is often shown as gold balls. These are symbolized by oranges or even apples. So the orange in the toe of the stocking is a reminder of Nicholas' gift.
Candy Canes *
These are really candy croziers, one of St. Nicholas' symbols. All bishops carry staffs, hooked at the top like a shepherd's crook, showing they are the shepherds who care for, or tend, their people.
St. Nicholas Day Blessing of Candy Canes
Gift-giving in secret, during the night
Stockings are filled while children are sleeping. Nicholas did his gift giving secretly, under cover of darkness. He didn't want to be seen and recognized as he wanted those he helped to give thanks to God.
Seasonal concern for the needy
St. Nicholas gave gifts to those in greatest need—the young and the most vulnerable. Christmas gifts and baskets given to those in need, along with other seasonal contributions to charity, reflect St. Nicholas' unselfish concern for others. He never wanted or expected anything in return.
* A crozier, or bishop's staff, is a common symbol for a bishop and is often used to identify St. Nicholas. Symbolizing a shepherd's staff, it is a visible reminder of a bishop's responsibility to care for people as the Good Shepherd cares for his sheep.
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