Hi son, I miss you....
I love you sweet boy.
I couldn't get to sleep last night til 2:30 this morning. I have these nights less now, but I still have a couple days a week that I just can't seem to get to sleep.
But I knew I was having coffee with Norma this morning and we were gonna take a drive and go visit you and Shelby. So I text her like at 2 am and said hey can we meet at 9:30 instead of 8:30 so we did. She came and got me, we went and got our coffee and we headed over to see you. When you first turn into the garden if you go left there is a building there where Norma's moma's ashes are, so we went there first. Then we headed over to you and Shelby. We stayed and shared and talked for at least an hour. Then we went to see her daddy who is also there by the flag poles. Then we stopped to say hi to the swans. After that we took a drive along the river, and out to snively road, one of my treasured places of good memories with you Nick. I love it out there, and floating the river with you and your friends and all of us! Then we went to Henry's and had a bite to eat for lunch. It was great food and conversation. Then I came home. We spent some time together today and it felt good to see her and get out !
I just went out back for a few minutes because it started raining?? you know I love the rain! :) Anyway, so I go over and let Onyx in...(she hates the rumble and thunder) and I look up and there is the most beautiful full rainbow in the sky, and the sky is pink and orange, and a pretty sunset and some dark clouds. It was so pretty! It's still thundering and lightening out, its nice I love it.
I love you son, I love you more forevermore ~moma~
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hi my Nicholas
Hi son,
I miss you...I love you Nick.
Today I have to take D to see his Dr. and go to the landfill to drop off an old couch. I'm picking Journey up from school. lloyd is picking greg up and they are going to get the paint for the Audi.
Lloyd starts up at the dam next week, praise the Lord. His 45th Birthday is Wed, we'll have a bbq for him I'm sure. We will miss you there. :(
We thought we had your bike sold! The guy who wanted to buy it came over this morning and said his girlfriend is pregnant and they dont have health Ins. and they need to start planning for the baby coming. He asked if we would let him out of his contract, so Lloyd did. So, now we have your bike back! Lloyd reposted it again. We'll see what happens now.
I love you so much Nicholas and I miss you like crazy son. i will write you later.
i love you more ~moma~
I miss you...I love you Nick.
Today I have to take D to see his Dr. and go to the landfill to drop off an old couch. I'm picking Journey up from school. lloyd is picking greg up and they are going to get the paint for the Audi.
Lloyd starts up at the dam next week, praise the Lord. His 45th Birthday is Wed, we'll have a bbq for him I'm sure. We will miss you there. :(
We thought we had your bike sold! The guy who wanted to buy it came over this morning and said his girlfriend is pregnant and they dont have health Ins. and they need to start planning for the baby coming. He asked if we would let him out of his contract, so Lloyd did. So, now we have your bike back! Lloyd reposted it again. We'll see what happens now.
I love you so much Nicholas and I miss you like crazy son. i will write you later.
i love you more ~moma~
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Hi Nick
I love you son...
Today your Nana would be 73, wow! Happy Birthday moma!
I'm still reading my book nick and it has some great words of wisdom in it. Good stuff. Like even though God doesn't prevent pain and tragedy as we see it, I realize in a new light, that by loving God and not being angry with him, and loving others and ourselves simply because we are Valuable creations of God! This kind of love ( agape love, Gods love ) "Heals broken families". So, by reconnecting my relationship with God in which He is our provision in all our needs, I have begun the process of healing that will filter into our family first, then our friends and others.
See Nick, I had this dream. You were gonna grow up and someday be a full grown man have a great career, and be successful, and someday have a wonderful girl and lots of grand babies, and be healthy and happy in life. Wow! So, that's not quite how the dream is looking today. It's not just looking like that.... it will never be! It is IN the letting go of these dreams for you and your life, that is so painful and yet exactly what is wounding me.
But I also have always believed that with God I CAN get through anything, to surrender and see what God has for us next. I know I'm rambling son, but it is all true. To walk in His Truth is my only hope of healing. I have just been angry and sad, and lonely and hurt for so long, I can't keep feeling like this and living like this and the kids and lloyd, our hurt is deep but God can still heal it. keeping the faith, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. :)
There is more where this came from, to come!
This is the most difficult challenge in my life Nick! Connecting no-matter to who or what has proven to be a tough task, but one I choose to take.
I love you sweet boy. I miss you. I will write more later.
I love you more ~moma~
Today your Nana would be 73, wow! Happy Birthday moma!
I'm still reading my book nick and it has some great words of wisdom in it. Good stuff. Like even though God doesn't prevent pain and tragedy as we see it, I realize in a new light, that by loving God and not being angry with him, and loving others and ourselves simply because we are Valuable creations of God! This kind of love ( agape love, Gods love ) "Heals broken families". So, by reconnecting my relationship with God in which He is our provision in all our needs, I have begun the process of healing that will filter into our family first, then our friends and others.
See Nick, I had this dream. You were gonna grow up and someday be a full grown man have a great career, and be successful, and someday have a wonderful girl and lots of grand babies, and be healthy and happy in life. Wow! So, that's not quite how the dream is looking today. It's not just looking like that.... it will never be! It is IN the letting go of these dreams for you and your life, that is so painful and yet exactly what is wounding me.
But I also have always believed that with God I CAN get through anything, to surrender and see what God has for us next. I know I'm rambling son, but it is all true. To walk in His Truth is my only hope of healing. I have just been angry and sad, and lonely and hurt for so long, I can't keep feeling like this and living like this and the kids and lloyd, our hurt is deep but God can still heal it. keeping the faith, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. :)
There is more where this came from, to come!
This is the most difficult challenge in my life Nick! Connecting no-matter to who or what has proven to be a tough task, but one I choose to take.
I love you sweet boy. I miss you. I will write more later.
I love you more ~moma~
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Hi Nick
Hey babe,
I love you....
I had a "good" day today all things considered! I am having more and more of them, i know you want nothing more than to know moma and the family are better, well it can and has all changed in minutes, but for the most part we are ALL having better days, and more smiles. We talk about you a lot and it is getting easier to mention your name for all of us without so much raw emotion attached to it. But that doesn't minimize our love or longing for you Nick, that is forever.
It is still hard for us but it is easiest to talk to Lloyd and the kids. We are doing okay son, we are okay:)
The kids are doing great with school this week. You would be so proud of them both.
I can't believe it's Sept. son, time goes by so slowly and yet it goes by too quick! I know it makes no sense and yet it is an accurate statement to those who have lost a very very significant person and loved one in life. It is an oxymoron. Oh well.
I'm gonna head to bed sweet boy, so good nite for now. I will write you later okay!
I miss and love you son.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
P.S. Sissy Loves You! :D
I love you....
I had a "good" day today all things considered! I am having more and more of them, i know you want nothing more than to know moma and the family are better, well it can and has all changed in minutes, but for the most part we are ALL having better days, and more smiles. We talk about you a lot and it is getting easier to mention your name for all of us without so much raw emotion attached to it. But that doesn't minimize our love or longing for you Nick, that is forever.
It is still hard for us but it is easiest to talk to Lloyd and the kids. We are doing okay son, we are okay:)
The kids are doing great with school this week. You would be so proud of them both.
I can't believe it's Sept. son, time goes by so slowly and yet it goes by too quick! I know it makes no sense and yet it is an accurate statement to those who have lost a very very significant person and loved one in life. It is an oxymoron. Oh well.
I'm gonna head to bed sweet boy, so good nite for now. I will write you later okay!
I miss and love you son.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
P.S. Sissy Loves You! :D
Nicholas
Hi my Nicholas,
I love you son, I love you so much.
Tomorrow is Nana's birthday she would be 73, tell Nana happy Birthhday for moma okay.
I miss my moma a lot too still! I will always miss having my moma around to talk to. I will always miss you, and watching you grow more and more into a man. I waited 24 years for grand kids, then there was Shelby. I hoped that given some time you and Jess would have another one or two like you wrote me at Christmas time on my box that the butterfly necklace came in. You said you said you wanted lil ones or two:) I was so excited to hear that. I miss that being a possibly dream come true too. I miss a lot of things Nick. Your voice...thats hard, your eveyday laugh when life was fair and good and full. I miss your smile and seeing you at all. I miss you I miss you. I love you son and today I am resting, so I will write you later.
Love, hugs and 3 kisses.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you son, I love you so much.
Tomorrow is Nana's birthday she would be 73, tell Nana happy Birthhday for moma okay.
I miss my moma a lot too still! I will always miss having my moma around to talk to. I will always miss you, and watching you grow more and more into a man. I waited 24 years for grand kids, then there was Shelby. I hoped that given some time you and Jess would have another one or two like you wrote me at Christmas time on my box that the butterfly necklace came in. You said you said you wanted lil ones or two:) I was so excited to hear that. I miss that being a possibly dream come true too. I miss a lot of things Nick. Your voice...thats hard, your eveyday laugh when life was fair and good and full. I miss your smile and seeing you at all. I miss you I miss you. I love you son and today I am resting, so I will write you later.
Love, hugs and 3 kisses.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi son,
Hi my sweet son,
We miss you and love you.
Greg and Journey both did great 1st day back to school :) The usual complaint of not having enough time to get from class to class Ugh! It's such a big H.S. and they have added on this year. I also hear they are really cracking down on tardies. Maybe they could give the students 7 or 8 min. in between classes, thats little more realistic. They will have the hang of the new schedule by end of the week! Anyway...
I love you Nicholas. Good night son, its after 12, but at least it isn't 3 or 4 am, right?!
I will write later,
I love you son, I love you more ~moma~
We miss you and love you.
Greg and Journey both did great 1st day back to school :) The usual complaint of not having enough time to get from class to class Ugh! It's such a big H.S. and they have added on this year. I also hear they are really cracking down on tardies. Maybe they could give the students 7 or 8 min. in between classes, thats little more realistic. They will have the hang of the new schedule by end of the week! Anyway...
I love you Nicholas. Good night son, its after 12, but at least it isn't 3 or 4 am, right?!
I will write later,
I love you son, I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
September 01, 2009
Good September morning son,
I miss you Nick,
Well, it is the 1st of Sept. today and the kids 1st REAL day in school. Yesterday is what they call "Freshman Day", only for the freshman. It's kinda cool, so they can get familiar with the school, their classes, and where everything else is. Pretty soon here Journey will be going to "Homecoming", I believe it is in early Sept. I can hardly believe it.
I'm gonna go have coffee with Norma this weekend Nick, you know Christians mom?! She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to get together this weekend, so I said yes. It will be nice to visit with her, we really haven't hung out or done much of anything the past couple years. We are gonna grab a coffee, take a ride by the river, and a stop by to visit your Garden.
I love you babe and miss you very much son. Gonna go for now, I'll write you later. I love you...forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Good September morning son,
I miss you Nick,
Well, it is the 1st of Sept. today and the kids 1st REAL day in school. Yesterday is what they call "Freshman Day", only for the freshman. It's kinda cool, so they can get familiar with the school, their classes, and where everything else is. Pretty soon here Journey will be going to "Homecoming", I believe it is in early Sept. I can hardly believe it.
I'm gonna go have coffee with Norma this weekend Nick, you know Christians mom?! She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to get together this weekend, so I said yes. It will be nice to visit with her, we really haven't hung out or done much of anything the past couple years. We are gonna grab a coffee, take a ride by the river, and a stop by to visit your Garden.
I love you babe and miss you very much son. Gonna go for now, I'll write you later. I love you...forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Monday, August 31, 2009
Nicholas James
Hi son,
I miss you and love you Nick.Well,
I took Journey to High School for her very first day this morning! Ugh, she is in H.S. Its all good but man are they growing up fast.When I left the school parking lot I cried and cried, for a number of reasons, those of which I have already shared with you on my way home:) I wish you could see her now Nick. She's so pretty and smart. Greg is so big now he is nearly 5'10 just a couple inches shorter than his Dad but he's only 15 and not done growing. He is so handsome too, like you babe.
Life is going on all around me and I am trying to get CONNECTED again. It is so hard with a broken heart! I have started my healing process a couple months back, but have made a few more choices in that direction just this week. I plan to quit smoking again real soon, I am reading again, and I hope to start work soon. I will keep you posted on those as they unfold.I miss you like crazy babe, and I may not write every single day every single hour but I still think of you that often. Part of my healing is using my time wisely and being present for Lloyd, Greg, Journey and the rest of our family and my friends. Part of my healing is physical some is mental but mostly it is spiritual, healing my heart and soul that is still so raw with emotion. I used to volunteer my time with several community services here, TCPC and MOW, and haven't been avaiable for the past 14 months. I am started to revisit them slowly by email. I will be providing treats for the H.E.A.R.T class starting in mid Sept. It feels good but a lil scarey to start connecting again.I will write you later my sweet boy.
I have a quick funny story to tell you. Last night after Greg and Dad got back from working on the Audi we were sitting out back talking about how fast this car is, because it has a 4.2 liter in it, so it reminded me of the old T-Bird Lloyd got for a few hundred dollars. You were about 12 or 13 and Lloyd decided to take you for a drive in this car, just down the street and back to show you what it's got. mind you it was a boat of a car not bad looking, but it had a 429 in it and it was faaaaaast!!! So, off you two went as you two often did, Lloyd is full of adventure and you were all for it, you loved chillin with Lloyd because he knew a little about a lot. but he knew a lot about cars and always had a story for you.Well down the street you went and I expected you back in a few only you didnt come right back. So, about a 1/2 hour later you two pulled up. I asked where you guys went and if it was fun. You both had smiles on your face, but then prceeded to tell me you got pulled over by the police. Long story short there was you went down Comstock snd turned onto Goethels, then you punched it! Well, to your dismay the po-po was right there. He pulled you over and you just explained you were showing your son there what that car was made of. He chuckled a bit and you two were let go WITHOUT a ticket. LOL what fun and excitment you and Nick were always in. it was a great laugh and memory for us to share.
I miss you Nick! I love you so much.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you and love you Nick.Well,
I took Journey to High School for her very first day this morning! Ugh, she is in H.S. Its all good but man are they growing up fast.When I left the school parking lot I cried and cried, for a number of reasons, those of which I have already shared with you on my way home:) I wish you could see her now Nick. She's so pretty and smart. Greg is so big now he is nearly 5'10 just a couple inches shorter than his Dad but he's only 15 and not done growing. He is so handsome too, like you babe.
Life is going on all around me and I am trying to get CONNECTED again. It is so hard with a broken heart! I have started my healing process a couple months back, but have made a few more choices in that direction just this week. I plan to quit smoking again real soon, I am reading again, and I hope to start work soon. I will keep you posted on those as they unfold.I miss you like crazy babe, and I may not write every single day every single hour but I still think of you that often. Part of my healing is using my time wisely and being present for Lloyd, Greg, Journey and the rest of our family and my friends. Part of my healing is physical some is mental but mostly it is spiritual, healing my heart and soul that is still so raw with emotion. I used to volunteer my time with several community services here, TCPC and MOW, and haven't been avaiable for the past 14 months. I am started to revisit them slowly by email. I will be providing treats for the H.E.A.R.T class starting in mid Sept. It feels good but a lil scarey to start connecting again.I will write you later my sweet boy.
I have a quick funny story to tell you. Last night after Greg and Dad got back from working on the Audi we were sitting out back talking about how fast this car is, because it has a 4.2 liter in it, so it reminded me of the old T-Bird Lloyd got for a few hundred dollars. You were about 12 or 13 and Lloyd decided to take you for a drive in this car, just down the street and back to show you what it's got. mind you it was a boat of a car not bad looking, but it had a 429 in it and it was faaaaaast!!! So, off you two went as you two often did, Lloyd is full of adventure and you were all for it, you loved chillin with Lloyd because he knew a little about a lot. but he knew a lot about cars and always had a story for you.Well down the street you went and I expected you back in a few only you didnt come right back. So, about a 1/2 hour later you two pulled up. I asked where you guys went and if it was fun. You both had smiles on your face, but then prceeded to tell me you got pulled over by the police. Long story short there was you went down Comstock snd turned onto Goethels, then you punched it! Well, to your dismay the po-po was right there. He pulled you over and you just explained you were showing your son there what that car was made of. He chuckled a bit and you two were let go WITHOUT a ticket. LOL what fun and excitment you and Nick were always in. it was a great laugh and memory for us to share.
I miss you Nick! I love you so much.
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hi Nicholas
I love you sweet son,
I miss you so much.
Today Journey and I watched a couple movies. Greg and Lloyd are at the shop working on the Audi again. Greg loves cars...working on them, looking at them, driving them, talking about them. he is taking 2 different classes this year cars/machanics. He is doing that instead of art this year. Next year he will pick up art again. Journey has his art teacher from last year, he said she is great.
I am reading a book called "Healing is a choice". I do want my heart healed, but I want all of our hearts healed and well again. Journey still has difficult days, mostly nights though. Greg surely is speaking his mind about matters too. I am so proud of both of them. I am so glad they share their hearts and thoughts with me. I am getting back on track son. They miss you so much, they loved you so very much too. Your death has been the greatest loss in our lives Nick! I hope and pray they use the strenght and power of God to work through this, their feelings, and their thoughts and all the emotions.
I love you baby, I love you so much son. I miss you terribly.
I would like to go to Ca. in Oct. Kris Kristofferson is going to be there. He comes to Old Sac. every year in Oct. I will bring you flowers babe if I come.
I will write you later son. I love you, I love you more ~moma~
I miss you so much.
Today Journey and I watched a couple movies. Greg and Lloyd are at the shop working on the Audi again. Greg loves cars...working on them, looking at them, driving them, talking about them. he is taking 2 different classes this year cars/machanics. He is doing that instead of art this year. Next year he will pick up art again. Journey has his art teacher from last year, he said she is great.
I am reading a book called "Healing is a choice". I do want my heart healed, but I want all of our hearts healed and well again. Journey still has difficult days, mostly nights though. Greg surely is speaking his mind about matters too. I am so proud of both of them. I am so glad they share their hearts and thoughts with me. I am getting back on track son. They miss you so much, they loved you so very much too. Your death has been the greatest loss in our lives Nick! I hope and pray they use the strenght and power of God to work through this, their feelings, and their thoughts and all the emotions.
I love you baby, I love you so much son. I miss you terribly.
I would like to go to Ca. in Oct. Kris Kristofferson is going to be there. He comes to Old Sac. every year in Oct. I will bring you flowers babe if I come.
I will write you later son. I love you, I love you more ~moma~
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