Hi Nick

I love you son...

Today your Nana would be 73, wow! Happy Birthday moma!

I'm still reading my book nick and it has some great words of wisdom in it. Good stuff. Like even though God doesn't prevent pain and tragedy as we see it, I realize in a new light, that by loving God and not being angry with him, and loving others and ourselves simply because we are Valuable creations of God! This kind of love ( agape love, Gods love ) "Heals broken families". So, by reconnecting my relationship with God in which He is our provision in all our needs, I have begun the process of healing that will filter into our family first, then our friends and others.
See Nick, I had this dream. You were gonna grow up and someday be a full grown man have a great career, and be successful, and someday have a wonderful girl and lots of grand babies, and be healthy and happy in life. Wow! So, that's not quite how the dream is looking today. It's not just looking like that.... it will never be! It is IN the letting go of these dreams for you and your life, that is so painful and yet exactly what is wounding me.
But I also have always believed that with God I CAN get through anything, to surrender and see what God has for us next. I know I'm rambling son, but it is all true. To walk in His Truth is my only hope of healing. I have just been angry and sad, and lonely and hurt for so long, I can't keep feeling like this and living like this and the kids and lloyd, our hurt is deep but God can still heal it. keeping the faith, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. :)
There is more where this came from, to come!
This is the most difficult challenge in my life Nick! Connecting no-matter to who or what has proven to be a tough task, but one I choose to take.
I love you sweet boy. I miss you. I will write more later.
I love you more ~moma~