Nicholas,
I love you son and I miss you so much honey.
We had a pretty good day.
Journey had cheer and then we went shopping for a couple hours. A new store with name brand clothing for less than half the cost new.
Lloyd and Greg got our trailer out to get things ready for next weekend
I have had a couple hard days about you.
I miss you so much Nicholas. You are my love, my joy, and my son forever.
I will write you later handsome Nick. Sweet dreams baby, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
I love you Nick
Nicholas James, Nicholas James!!!
I love you son and I miss you like crazy, I so freakin miss you!!!
Ohhhh Nick, I'm crying now and all the time, the tears won't stop. My heart is full of you and yet....I miss you! It is a very hard concept to grasp.
I was going through an old stack of papers I tucked away in my old office and I found something very special. It is a "Happy Mother's Day " card from you. You were 19 years old:) It is so pretty, but it is what it says that just yanked my heart straight out of my chest. In a soft silvery and pink writting on the front it say's....
"From Your Son", Mom, you were the first example of a woman's gentle, caring ways, and though I may not always tell you, I'll always be thankful for your loving influence in my life. Of course there is a beautiful rose on the front too. Inside the card simply says, Happy Mother's Day with Love. But up top you wrote... "Mother, Thank you for Everything. I love you so much. At the bottom you signed it Love, Nick. When I found this card it threw me for a huge loop, I never expected to find it there. I read it and just had a melt down right there. I went over to the mantle and grabbed up your 11x14 picture of you and just pulled it tight against my chest and bawled like a little baby. it broke my heart, but it also filled it up with more of your love. Just when I think I am going along okay, I see, hear, think, find, feel or touch something that reminds me of you and your amazing love for me. My heart is broken...but in many ways it is healing too, it is so damn hard to explain. its an oxymoron! All I really know is I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!
I love you baby and I miss you.
Last night I went into Greg's room just before he fell asleep and asked him if I could have a hug, and he just opened his arms up and I lay down next to him and put my head on his chest and my arm around him and he put his arms around me and he feel asleep a few minutes later. I felt his love and comfort, and I also missed you, I needed you Nick with some flesh on it, and Greg has always had The warmest hugs, since I can remember. He let me cry no words were spoken. There didn't need to be, it wa beautiful. You were the one with A heart as big as the ocean, and Journey is a lot like you too, with a heart of compassion and love, especailly for kids and old people. You are all amazing kids. I am so grateful he hugged me and let me lay with him for a while.
The card is another beautiful gift that you left here for moma.
I love you sweet boy. I will write you soon my love.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you son and I miss you like crazy, I so freakin miss you!!!
Ohhhh Nick, I'm crying now and all the time, the tears won't stop. My heart is full of you and yet....I miss you! It is a very hard concept to grasp.
I was going through an old stack of papers I tucked away in my old office and I found something very special. It is a "Happy Mother's Day " card from you. You were 19 years old:) It is so pretty, but it is what it says that just yanked my heart straight out of my chest. In a soft silvery and pink writting on the front it say's....
"From Your Son", Mom, you were the first example of a woman's gentle, caring ways, and though I may not always tell you, I'll always be thankful for your loving influence in my life. Of course there is a beautiful rose on the front too. Inside the card simply says, Happy Mother's Day with Love. But up top you wrote... "Mother, Thank you for Everything. I love you so much. At the bottom you signed it Love, Nick. When I found this card it threw me for a huge loop, I never expected to find it there. I read it and just had a melt down right there. I went over to the mantle and grabbed up your 11x14 picture of you and just pulled it tight against my chest and bawled like a little baby. it broke my heart, but it also filled it up with more of your love. Just when I think I am going along okay, I see, hear, think, find, feel or touch something that reminds me of you and your amazing love for me. My heart is broken...but in many ways it is healing too, it is so damn hard to explain. its an oxymoron! All I really know is I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!
I love you baby and I miss you.
Last night I went into Greg's room just before he fell asleep and asked him if I could have a hug, and he just opened his arms up and I lay down next to him and put my head on his chest and my arm around him and he put his arms around me and he feel asleep a few minutes later. I felt his love and comfort, and I also missed you, I needed you Nick with some flesh on it, and Greg has always had The warmest hugs, since I can remember. He let me cry no words were spoken. There didn't need to be, it wa beautiful. You were the one with A heart as big as the ocean, and Journey is a lot like you too, with a heart of compassion and love, especailly for kids and old people. You are all amazing kids. I am so grateful he hugged me and let me lay with him for a while.
The card is another beautiful gift that you left here for moma.
I love you sweet boy. I will write you soon my love.
I love you more ~moma~
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Hi baby,
Sweet boy i love you,
I wake up every morning missing you...sometimes it feels like a chore just to take that first breath! My heart is filled with so much of you that it makes me smile and cry! You are BEAUTIFUL!!! My heart is full of you today.
Today jess and I helped "D" today take care of some important things, it was part of my productive day, along with helping Journey with some L.A. homework, cleaning and errands. I just read back to her what she wrote so she could type it out faster :) Essays!!! remember those Nick???Does Arintina ring a bell...6th grade? I bet it does. You waited til the last minute to do that sucker and Gr. bonnie helped you do it. That was a good memory too. but it was fun to help and she's doing great. I didn't like la in school, but now i love it. Greg is a great speller too. Journey is taking Spanish again this year. Which reminds me, in 7th gr. you took French and Spanish at the same time and got "A's" in both, I was so impressed and proud of you:) But she loves spanish and she's doing good in H.S.
Greg finished the last tire on the Audi, now they are all sparkling new and shiny. Almost ready to sell. Good deal. Ins. finally is settled, it is a good thing too. It couldn't be at a better or more needed time than right now.
We love you and miss you our Beautiful Nick.
Journey was in her room earlier tonight for a half hour or so and she comes out with this beautiful oil painting of flowers and clouds and a sunshine, and said it was for ShelbyPaige. We miss our Beautiful ShelbyPaigers too. Both Greg and Journey channel a lot of...what should i say "grief, thoughts & ideals" through drawing, painting etc. Honestly, they are amazing little artists. you know lloyd is too so they Definitley get it from him cause I can't draw very good. I have seen how it can be an expression of oneself. How one feels is always revealed in writing or drawings! Especially if it is a God-Given talent or gift. I love that. You did that too Nick! You drew, created cool looking designs, and we spent many a hours coloring when you were younger:) Now that was a good ole memory, we would sit for hours and color. I have your drawings and schoolwork and art. Thank you Nick for all the beautiful gifts. Thank you for ALL different and beautiful "Expressions of You"! You were a Giver...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it :) I miss you Nicholas.:( always, so does lloyd, greg and journ. We will always love you and miss you. We are good babe, i want you to know that. I pray our hearts continue to heal, love and believe.
God is good and still sits on the throne Nick!
I will write you later my son.
Hugs and 3 kisses, cuz 1 is not enuf!!!
I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
I wake up every morning missing you...sometimes it feels like a chore just to take that first breath! My heart is filled with so much of you that it makes me smile and cry! You are BEAUTIFUL!!! My heart is full of you today.
Today jess and I helped "D" today take care of some important things, it was part of my productive day, along with helping Journey with some L.A. homework, cleaning and errands. I just read back to her what she wrote so she could type it out faster :) Essays!!! remember those Nick???Does Arintina ring a bell...6th grade? I bet it does. You waited til the last minute to do that sucker and Gr. bonnie helped you do it. That was a good memory too. but it was fun to help and she's doing great. I didn't like la in school, but now i love it. Greg is a great speller too. Journey is taking Spanish again this year. Which reminds me, in 7th gr. you took French and Spanish at the same time and got "A's" in both, I was so impressed and proud of you:) But she loves spanish and she's doing good in H.S.
Greg finished the last tire on the Audi, now they are all sparkling new and shiny. Almost ready to sell. Good deal. Ins. finally is settled, it is a good thing too. It couldn't be at a better or more needed time than right now.
We love you and miss you our Beautiful Nick.
Journey was in her room earlier tonight for a half hour or so and she comes out with this beautiful oil painting of flowers and clouds and a sunshine, and said it was for ShelbyPaige. We miss our Beautiful ShelbyPaigers too. Both Greg and Journey channel a lot of...what should i say "grief, thoughts & ideals" through drawing, painting etc. Honestly, they are amazing little artists. you know lloyd is too so they Definitley get it from him cause I can't draw very good. I have seen how it can be an expression of oneself. How one feels is always revealed in writing or drawings! Especially if it is a God-Given talent or gift. I love that. You did that too Nick! You drew, created cool looking designs, and we spent many a hours coloring when you were younger:) Now that was a good ole memory, we would sit for hours and color. I have your drawings and schoolwork and art. Thank you Nick for all the beautiful gifts. Thank you for ALL different and beautiful "Expressions of You"! You were a Giver...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it :) I miss you Nicholas.:( always, so does lloyd, greg and journ. We will always love you and miss you. We are good babe, i want you to know that. I pray our hearts continue to heal, love and believe.
God is good and still sits on the throne Nick!
I will write you later my son.
Hugs and 3 kisses, cuz 1 is not enuf!!!
I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Hi sweet son
Hi baby, I miss you.
Well I spoke with your Aunt Kim last week and they will be coming up to visit in Oct. They are coming to YOUR Bonfire Party. Your party will be amazing. I hate writing this really....
I have had so many memories of you running through my head the past few days. memories and things we did, places we went, and things you said. It has been good for the most part because the memories are all good and happy. But it really breaks my heart that there will be no more of them. It has nearly been a year Nick, and I can hardly believe it!!! Gosh Nick, you were such a delight and joy in our world. For those who never got to meet you or grace your charasmatic personality...they really missed out, because you were "one of a kind" and brought love, happiness and great joy to those who did know you. Thank you Nick for all the love and smiles you gave and shared with moma...I am blessed indeed. You were a good good boy Nick.
I love you sweet Nick, you were just that way...lovable!
We'll, your sis strained her hamstring 3 days ago, so we have been trying to get that feeling better. She has been excused from P.E. for the rest of this week and no gym or cheer. She just needs rest and time for it to heal. She is loving H.S. and is doing great. Greg is doing very well too, they see each other often during school and sometimes have lunch together. They have each other, we have each other, its been tough but we are sticking together son.
Honestly Nick, I still can't really believe you are gone!!! As crazy as that seems, I know I share that sentiment with others, Greg, Journey, Jess....it is so hard to imagine even today that you are not with us. We simply miss you and grieve that, but also what could have been!
I love you so much Nicholas! My heart misses you so much, my arms do still long to hold you. I kiss you everyday, I talk to you everyday, and everyday I love you more.
Journey came home from school the other day and came in and gave me a beautiful brown and white feather and a big smile. Then yesterday I was walking through the parking lot and I found the fuzziest little white feather, it was caught up in some debris...I don't know how I saw it...thank you. I smile every time I find one. They are special connections to you.
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
Well I spoke with your Aunt Kim last week and they will be coming up to visit in Oct. They are coming to YOUR Bonfire Party. Your party will be amazing. I hate writing this really....
I have had so many memories of you running through my head the past few days. memories and things we did, places we went, and things you said. It has been good for the most part because the memories are all good and happy. But it really breaks my heart that there will be no more of them. It has nearly been a year Nick, and I can hardly believe it!!! Gosh Nick, you were such a delight and joy in our world. For those who never got to meet you or grace your charasmatic personality...they really missed out, because you were "one of a kind" and brought love, happiness and great joy to those who did know you. Thank you Nick for all the love and smiles you gave and shared with moma...I am blessed indeed. You were a good good boy Nick.
I love you sweet Nick, you were just that way...lovable!
We'll, your sis strained her hamstring 3 days ago, so we have been trying to get that feeling better. She has been excused from P.E. for the rest of this week and no gym or cheer. She just needs rest and time for it to heal. She is loving H.S. and is doing great. Greg is doing very well too, they see each other often during school and sometimes have lunch together. They have each other, we have each other, its been tough but we are sticking together son.
Honestly Nick, I still can't really believe you are gone!!! As crazy as that seems, I know I share that sentiment with others, Greg, Journey, Jess....it is so hard to imagine even today that you are not with us. We simply miss you and grieve that, but also what could have been!
I love you so much Nicholas! My heart misses you so much, my arms do still long to hold you. I kiss you everyday, I talk to you everyday, and everyday I love you more.
Journey came home from school the other day and came in and gave me a beautiful brown and white feather and a big smile. Then yesterday I was walking through the parking lot and I found the fuzziest little white feather, it was caught up in some debris...I don't know how I saw it...thank you. I smile every time I find one. They are special connections to you.
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Hi my sweet boy
My dear Nicholas James,
I miss you son, miss you miss you miss you!
I'm going down to Abadans today to have Nikki help me make copies of a crap load of pics...some of you some of Greg and some of Angie's wedding. She is helping me get things organized, I am so greaful for her help. Her Father owns the place, but she is a graphic designer and an amazing one at that! She has been very helpful and generous with her time and knowledge.
I re-read your police report today and have been doing some research. UGH!!! It is all so hard. I spend time on this a little here and there, trying to put all the pieces together, or better than they are anyway. I don't have a good feeling about what happened to you that night son, and I am doing some detective work! So, if anyone is reading this and it has caused a raised eye brow, just know...I'm looking!
So, Journey comes home from school yesterday and tells me they are having a yea get this..."A Suicide Prevention Specialist" coming to her health class this Friday. Journey wrote her teacher an email stating she chooses not to sit in on the class and asked to go to the library, because the subject is still too fresh and painful. He wrote her a beautiful response and said he understands and that he will work it out with her where to go during that class. He also had Greg last year, Greg went through the class...he said it was alright, that they dont talk about "Suicide" they mainly hit on what the signs are and how to prevent!!! Anyway, Journey wants No Part in it! I don't blame her at all. She left the class room after talking to her teacher about 'YOU" and was walking down the hall crying. Greg spied her and came and gave her a hug, I was so glad to hear he was there to console her, what a blessing. One thing for sure Nick, no matter how close they were before, your death WILL and already has in some ways made them realize, they now only have each other and HOW important that is and will be in the years to come. Greg WILL be here and is now, to protect, love and help Journey and she will be there for him. They are good kids Nick, you were all very good babies and smart. You were funny, lovable, daring and beautiful babies and kids.
I love you so much sweet boy, you are never off my mind, always in my heart and forever my boy! I miss you so much son.
G&J will be home soon better get going. I'll write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you son, miss you miss you miss you!
I'm going down to Abadans today to have Nikki help me make copies of a crap load of pics...some of you some of Greg and some of Angie's wedding. She is helping me get things organized, I am so greaful for her help. Her Father owns the place, but she is a graphic designer and an amazing one at that! She has been very helpful and generous with her time and knowledge.
I re-read your police report today and have been doing some research. UGH!!! It is all so hard. I spend time on this a little here and there, trying to put all the pieces together, or better than they are anyway. I don't have a good feeling about what happened to you that night son, and I am doing some detective work! So, if anyone is reading this and it has caused a raised eye brow, just know...I'm looking!
So, Journey comes home from school yesterday and tells me they are having a yea get this..."A Suicide Prevention Specialist" coming to her health class this Friday. Journey wrote her teacher an email stating she chooses not to sit in on the class and asked to go to the library, because the subject is still too fresh and painful. He wrote her a beautiful response and said he understands and that he will work it out with her where to go during that class. He also had Greg last year, Greg went through the class...he said it was alright, that they dont talk about "Suicide" they mainly hit on what the signs are and how to prevent!!! Anyway, Journey wants No Part in it! I don't blame her at all. She left the class room after talking to her teacher about 'YOU" and was walking down the hall crying. Greg spied her and came and gave her a hug, I was so glad to hear he was there to console her, what a blessing. One thing for sure Nick, no matter how close they were before, your death WILL and already has in some ways made them realize, they now only have each other and HOW important that is and will be in the years to come. Greg WILL be here and is now, to protect, love and help Journey and she will be there for him. They are good kids Nick, you were all very good babies and smart. You were funny, lovable, daring and beautiful babies and kids.
I love you so much sweet boy, you are never off my mind, always in my heart and forever my boy! I miss you so much son.
G&J will be home soon better get going. I'll write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
Monday, September 14, 2009
Good morning son
Hi sweet boy, I miss you.
I love you son and wanted to say hello before I run out the door.
I have some errands to do today and shopping too.
Greg and Journey's Homecoming is coming up. Oh man is that gonna be cool.
I wish you were here sweet boy. yesterday and the day before I was very emotional, weepy all through the weekend. It sucked but I made it through. Life is so freakin hard sometimes. OMG, I miss you Nick.....I miss you.
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you son and wanted to say hello before I run out the door.
I have some errands to do today and shopping too.
Greg and Journey's Homecoming is coming up. Oh man is that gonna be cool.
I wish you were here sweet boy. yesterday and the day before I was very emotional, weepy all through the weekend. It sucked but I made it through. Life is so freakin hard sometimes. OMG, I miss you Nick.....I miss you.
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, September 13, 2009
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