Hi my sweet Angel.
I love you...I miss you.
Well fall is almost here and the fall is coming. It rained mist of the night. It's supposed to rain all weekend :) I love the rain, and it reminds me of you so much. I miss you baby and just wanted to say I love you. Moms is sending you hugs and kisses. Kiss Shelby for het Nana and give Nana and Uncle hugs for me. I'll write you later angel. I luv you more ~ Moma ~
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hi sweet boy
Nick Nick,
I love you son and miss you so:(
Your 27th birthday without you here with us was so very hard son. I have a reprieve in Sept. then I have to face Oct. and the 2 year ann. of your death:( Ugh!!! It is horrible anticipating it....still unbelievable and at times unbearable! I remember in the first 18 months many of the compassionate and understanding people mainly other Moma's who share my grief say, I would not always feel so sad, grief stricken, and tortured by your death, but I didn't believe them!!! I was so so sad and very full of pain. I couldn't see past it. Everyday, everyday I cried and cried for the first 18 months. But I must say today, I am starting to believe them, because I don't feel so tortured inside. I'm still very sad and miss you like a mad woman but I am able to make it through a few days in a row without falling completely apart! I believe it is ONLY by Gods strength and grace! I have turned back to him Nick as I once again am finding my life and strength in Him. Nothing else and no one else can do that for me! When I catch myself dwelling on seeing you laying in the street or on that table at the mourge, or tears in your eyes and pain on your face, or looking at a picture of your life when life was good, I allow myself to grieve for you for a time, then I tell myself I must go on!!! As I know you would want me to. I know you would want Moma to be happy, healthy and living a life of love, laughter and goodness. I know you would want me to be here, in every sense of the word for your brother and sister. I know you would want me to enjoy and live my life with Lloyd, happy and content. I know you would want me to pursue my dreams and goals and move forward. I know you would want me to move out of the darkness that has loomed, and push through the rough days with faith that I CAN and WILL survive and not die of a broken heart, as I have so many times felt like I was. I know you want me to be courageous and strong. I know you have faith in me, and watch over me from afar, because you really aren't far from me at all, you are right here with me, in my heart. Forever here with me. I know you love me, and miss being with me too. I know you never wanted to leave me, but your grief was too great, and I don't blame you son. I know if you truly believed there was another way to end your pain, you would have chosen it. I know you did what you thought was the answer to your life's problems and disappointments. And I know if you had the chance to do it again, you wouldn't have, you would have stayed. I know I will see you again. I know I will always love you. I know I will always miss you, until I see you again. I love you so much my son....
It has been wonderful having Lloyd home, and I feel much more stable with him here with us from day to day. You have seen my struggles, the self destruction and my heartache. It seems to be more bearable when Lloyd is home with us. We had a good weekend and this week has been good also. 13 days son.....I know you are proud of me, I am proud of myself:) I thank God for guiding me back to a good life and for saving me from the depths of he'll on earth. I thank Him for being strong when I am weak and for NOT giving up on me.
I miss you so much Nicholas, so much. Thank you for the pennys in the past 2 weeks as each one came in the perfect time of need. I haven't counted how many I have in a while. Maybe I will do hat tomorrow:)
I better get to bed son. I will write you later my love. Sweet dreams Nick, sweet dreams.
I love you more ~ Moma ~
I love you son and miss you so:(
Your 27th birthday without you here with us was so very hard son. I have a reprieve in Sept. then I have to face Oct. and the 2 year ann. of your death:( Ugh!!! It is horrible anticipating it....still unbelievable and at times unbearable! I remember in the first 18 months many of the compassionate and understanding people mainly other Moma's who share my grief say, I would not always feel so sad, grief stricken, and tortured by your death, but I didn't believe them!!! I was so so sad and very full of pain. I couldn't see past it. Everyday, everyday I cried and cried for the first 18 months. But I must say today, I am starting to believe them, because I don't feel so tortured inside. I'm still very sad and miss you like a mad woman but I am able to make it through a few days in a row without falling completely apart! I believe it is ONLY by Gods strength and grace! I have turned back to him Nick as I once again am finding my life and strength in Him. Nothing else and no one else can do that for me! When I catch myself dwelling on seeing you laying in the street or on that table at the mourge, or tears in your eyes and pain on your face, or looking at a picture of your life when life was good, I allow myself to grieve for you for a time, then I tell myself I must go on!!! As I know you would want me to. I know you would want Moma to be happy, healthy and living a life of love, laughter and goodness. I know you would want me to be here, in every sense of the word for your brother and sister. I know you would want me to enjoy and live my life with Lloyd, happy and content. I know you would want me to pursue my dreams and goals and move forward. I know you would want me to move out of the darkness that has loomed, and push through the rough days with faith that I CAN and WILL survive and not die of a broken heart, as I have so many times felt like I was. I know you want me to be courageous and strong. I know you have faith in me, and watch over me from afar, because you really aren't far from me at all, you are right here with me, in my heart. Forever here with me. I know you love me, and miss being with me too. I know you never wanted to leave me, but your grief was too great, and I don't blame you son. I know if you truly believed there was another way to end your pain, you would have chosen it. I know you did what you thought was the answer to your life's problems and disappointments. And I know if you had the chance to do it again, you wouldn't have, you would have stayed. I know I will see you again. I know I will always love you. I know I will always miss you, until I see you again. I love you so much my son....
It has been wonderful having Lloyd home, and I feel much more stable with him here with us from day to day. You have seen my struggles, the self destruction and my heartache. It seems to be more bearable when Lloyd is home with us. We had a good weekend and this week has been good also. 13 days son.....I know you are proud of me, I am proud of myself:) I thank God for guiding me back to a good life and for saving me from the depths of he'll on earth. I thank Him for being strong when I am weak and for NOT giving up on me.
I miss you so much Nicholas, so much. Thank you for the pennys in the past 2 weeks as each one came in the perfect time of need. I haven't counted how many I have in a while. Maybe I will do hat tomorrow:)
I better get to bed son. I will write you later my love. Sweet dreams Nick, sweet dreams.
I love you more ~ Moma ~
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