Hi sweet Nicholas James

First, I MISS YOU BABY, EVERYTHING about you...your voice, hugs, love, kisses, smile, eyes, your curly hair, your laughter, your beautiful spirit!!! No one can ever take your place son, ever. I wonder all the time "Who you'd be today". It ain't fair that you died so young, or at all!!! You were just getting started babe! The story and song of your life had just begun, but death tore the pages all away.I wonder, who you'd be today!!!
Journey is having a hard time with you dieing. She screamed it out yesterday..."why did Nick have to die"??? I didn't have an answer for her, I still don't!!!

Suicide Is Not a single, quiet thing someone does only to themselves. It is
like pulling the pin on a hand grenade while they are surrounded by everyone
who loves and knows them! So many lives are hurt and damaged and changed forever, by one act.


I know you never meant to hurt us son, and I forgive you, I do. I KNOW your pain was GREAT, I know "why" you did what you did. I am grateful you are "FREE" of all pain and misery!!! I only wish there was ANOTHER way to end your pain, besides the finality of death in itself!!!

I love you sweet son...I love and miss you so very much!!!
I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you baby,

Hi sweet son. I had such a crazy busy day today. But just wanted to tell you I love you and miss you. I miss you and everything about you. I still can't fully accept you are gone. My heart is broken...still
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you, sweet son

I miss you Nick, I miss you so much. This week was hard at class. I missed 2 weeks, and fell a bit behind in my reading, but I realize I'm not really behind at all!!! I am EXACTLY where I need to be!
I had another very busy day with appointments, with the house, and Greg had a Dr's Appt, everything is good with him. he has been drinking protein shakes and healthy energy drinks for 4 days straight now, I am so proud of him. he doesn't drink nearly as much soda as he used to, and he still drinks a ton of water.
Journey Is back from Las Vegas, they took second at "National". She was so exhausted after getting home. She slept the whole next day. She is very sad about you son, and has been very ANGRY that you died. She feels alone, abandoned, and angry. I am helping her through some tough times right now. Plus her Daddy is away for a bit, and she is stressed about cheer, her grades and life!!! Poor angel, please pray for her Nick, she needs love, comfort, peace and understanding. She is so sad you are gone!!! She said she just wants her life back...God do I know what she means!!! Big time.
Today I met Marnie, Dustins moma, from POS.I'm sure you and Dustin have already met:) It was good. It will be 6 months for her on the 27th. God, I was a wreck at 6 months, my hat is off to her!!! I have invited her to come visit me again this Sat. I am gonna bring her to your garden and show her your tree. I was there last week and Brandon stopped by to say hi because he saw me pull in. They lost their baby too, his wife was pregnant:( He was very sad. While we were talking he looked over at your tree and looked back at me and said you can have that turtle we gave him and take it home if you like!!! You can by him another one and put it here if you want to. I started crying when he said that. So, I have your turtle son, it brings me great comfort knowing you liked it so much that they gave it to you, and now that you are gone, they gave it to me:) I may buy another one for your tree this summer. I'd like to get a garden ornament for your garden for sure, I just don't know what yet.:) At 4th of July, I will make your tree happy with fireworks and red, white and blue colors. None of anything really matters now that your gone, as far as that kinda thing goes!!! I miss you so much son.
I better get to bed it is another late night. House keeping in the morning, another appt out at the house, and some important calls to make. Our home is coming right along. Say prayers for us that it all continue to go smoothly, okay?!
i love you sweet son, I miss you terribly.
I will write you later.
Hugs, and 3 kisses to you my Beautiful Boy, Nick, Nick.
I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas

Well today son it has been 16 months since you left us. I cannot believe you are gone...still. So much it feels like you are right here with me, and other times it feels like forever that I have seen your face, kisses you and heard your voice.
But I have a very kewl story to share with you Nick.
I was out with a friend of mine and I ran into a girl that looked familiar to me, so I asked what her name was and she said Jennifer. I said didn't you work at a beauty supply place or salon? She said yea, I used to own Caribbean Sun. you know the tanning place on Wellsian Way. She said I don't really remember your younger one's, who I remember is your oldest son. I said Nick, she said yea. He would come through the drive through in his Jeep, and order Vanilla latte's and he would order his moma her favorite drink too. Aweeeee, my heart just melted. I told her you passed away. She had that look on her face!!! You know the one...shock!
Well she was so said to here that and said you were very cute, good-looking and funny:) It was a beautiful memory she shared with me. It was so awesome. So you see Nick even NOW, wherever I go I still get people who remember you, loved you and talk about you. I am so blessed that so many people remember you as a loving fun person. It makes me very proud. You were a handsome man, funny and very loving. I am just so glad so many others saw that in you too:)When I explained briefly what happened with Shelby, and you, you got water in her eyes, so did I, then she asked if she could give me a hug. She was a very sweet girl and very touched by your "LIFE" and sad to here of your passing.
you are remembered son, by so many!!! My heart was blessed last night talking with her. I am so glad she shared her memories of you.
I have another story to share with you that was pretty freaky. It was yesterday afternoon, just before my grief class. i will save it for another time.
I miss you endlessly....
"Time" does not heal all wounds!!! Time is just time, and it is my willingness to grieve, mourn, and choose to heal that God can, will and has come into my life and heart and begin repairing the damage to my heart, mind and soul.
I have some studying to do son for class. I got a bit behind dealing with the fire. However, I did go last night and it felt great to be back with my grief support group. Each week we pick a clay stone from a beautiful purple velvet bag. They have saying's on them, like Awe, Believe, Tenderness, love. I chose Awe twice in a row, then I was gone 2 weeks and your Dad chose for me, one was Transformed, the other was Wisdom!!! Wow, just wow!!! This week I chose and it was the word Delight:) So, my dear beautiful boy, I will choose to Delight in all good things this week. I am blessed in so many ways, and have so very much to be grateful for. One was knowing, loving and having "YOU" as my son.
Kiss and hug Nana's little Angel for me okay honey:)
That's all for now my Beautiful Boy.
I miss you, hugs 3 kisses and all my love to you Nick, Nick.
I love you more ~moma~

Hi Nick, Nick

I love you handsome boy, I miss you so. I love you more ~moma~

I MISS YOU NICHOLAS

Nicholas James...I MISS YOU SO MUCH.... I still have anger, but I am realizing, under the anger is really "hurt & fear". I miss you my son, I miss you, I simply miss you:( I will never get over losing you. I miss you here with me. There is such a void in my heart, life and being!!!
I love you more ~moma~

I love you nick,

Hi sweet boy, I miss you honey so much.
Journey was in Vegas at Nationals all weekend, they took second place, so proud of them:) She texted me about an hour beore they did the awards and said, I was walking around and I saw a penny on the floor and walked passe it, then she said, I said wait a minute and she went back and picked it up. She texted me and said Nick just sent me a penny moma:) She sure did appreciate that Nick. I told her it was your way of letting her know you were with here there, and that you were proud of her...she liked that.
She comes home tomorrow night, I have class then the Wileys will bring her home, I can'r wait to see her I miss her so much, she's been gone since Thurs. i think she misses me too:)
i better get to sleep son, another big day tomorrow. Greg has been helping me out so much, he is such a good boy. He gets his license next month, he's very excite about that, then he can drive his sister to school. Journey starts D.E. next month too. She will be in Florida march 10th -15th, she will be there for her 15th Birthday. She will be going to Disney world too. Wow, what a great birthday gift.
I will write you later my beautiful boy.
I miss you,
I love you more ~moma~

Sweet Son,

Nicholas James,
I love you so much son, and still cry everyday, I just cannot believe you are gone still!!! It is horrible! It seems like the more time that goes by the harder it gets!!! Damn it, I just do not for the life of me understand.
I want you to experience life with me, us so bad, and to know that you were so broken over losing your baby and now you can't, makes me sick to my stomach!!!
I miss you I miss you I miss you. I want to kiss you so badly son, and hug you and smell you and tell you I love you. God this hurts, it hurts so much....there are NO F_____ words....none!!!!
I love you baby, I miss you UNBELIEVABLY!!!
I love you more ~MOMA~