Hi babe

I was just watching tv and started thinking about you again. Ealier tonite Lloyd went and bought us pumpkins to carve, tomorrow. I'm gonna carve out your name on my pumpkin and put a big candle in it fir you babe:) I was thinking about how we have carved pumpkins together over the years, and how hard it has been doing it without you:( this will be our 3rd holloween without you, even though you have only been gone just 2 years. Sadly, you left us just 8 days short of holloween!!!
I had a sweet memory of you sweety just sitting here thinking about you and holloween. Actually 2. The first memory I have was your second holloween, you were just 15 months old:) I dressed you up in red jammies, the kind that have footies. I took a duffel bag that was multi-colored and cut holes in it for your hands and feet and made like a body suit for you, it was so cute:) Then I put a pair of red tennis shoes on you that were 2 sizes too big for you. But this wasn't the best part of it:) I teased your hair out and it was a big fro. Your hair was so curly! Then I proceded to paint your face as a happy clown:) you were so damn cute, so cute. I will never forget when I was done and let you see yourself in the mirror.You didn't recognize yourself, infact you were scared of yourself!!! You started crying and I felt so bad:( I didn't know that you would have that kind of reaction. I quickly turned you away and hugged you. I think I gave you a lolly pop and then we took you to an in door holloween party, where there were games candy punch and lots of fun. I will never forget that as long as I live Nick:)
then another holloween memory followed thereafter. You were just 2 months, it was your first holloween. I remember taking a pillow case and cutting it to fit over your head, and cut out eye and nose holes for you. Moma and daddy put you in your stroller and took you around the block. It was so cute. You loved holloween from the beginning son. We will be missing you again this holloween too. I will take a picture of your pumpkin and send it along sweet boy. I miss you so much sweet boy.
I love you mire ~moma~

Hi son :)

Hi sweet boy...I love you:) I miss you always! I took Journey out to lunch earlier this week and have a great time. We stopped at the santuary and sat and prayed, read some of the scriptures there and I was moved by them. So moved that I called the Chaplin the next day and asked to meet with him. Well we did meet yesterday and talked for a while. At the beginning of our conversation I explained what I have been through what our family has endured. We talked about things from the beginning, from before Shelby was born, out lives and such and when she was born what a blessing and blissful life we enjoyed. Then when she died and what the next 4 months was like for you, and all of us. It was such a horrific and devasting time in our lives. I talked about the excruciating pain and sorrow you were going through after losing your baby and the excruciating pain and sorrow I as your moma and the rest of our family went through watching you suffer in such deep deep sorow and torment of Shelby dieing:( I told him the story of the day before she died when you guys went to the river and you took Shelby for a ride in the boat on the river. And what you said to her...that one day she would grow wings and fly away like a butterfly, and that you would call her " your Butterfly" from then on. Of course none of us could have ever imagine that she would die the next morning!!! I was in California with Greg and Journey. We were due home the next day. I got that horrible call from you at 11:15 am that she was gone. I couldn't get home to you fast enough son:( yet I was on a plain within an hour of your call.
I shared with him how significant butterflys were in my life from an early age. Just about then a beautiful old lady walked through the chapel doors. I noticed her beautiful smile then how well she presented. She was a bright light Nick. The Chaplin knew her so she came over and we all talked. She shared a story about birds. How they instinctively know things. They have a built in navigation system within them, put there by God. They know when to rest, where to find food, and exactly how to get from one place to the other. She shared a lot more but this story stuck with me. I told het I live the birds and butterflys and that was what me and the Chaplin were discussing just before she walked in. I shared with her that I also loved flowers and said likewise only God could create such beautiful things in life, and described the beauty and intricacy of flowers. She then asked if I was an Artisit. I told her no of course! But she insisted that whatever it is I'm dealing with to allow and b open to the artist in me because she saw that Gi has given me a gift and believed He would use it to help me through. She said no matter what " don't give up" I took her words to heart son. Long story short we finished talking and we all went our ways. She asked if the Chaplin would let her know how I was doing from time to time I gave him permission to do so. But I went home son feeling full, inspired, heard and very lived and encouraged after that. I had a glimmer of hope of a better future, something I haven't been able to see or believe in a very long time:)
I am just quietly praying and pondering our conversation that day. Chaplin Tom said that he believed God sent her there for me. I knew that as she was appoaching us to talk. I felt it. I came to speak with the Chaplin but God sent Irene, no doubt. She had a powerful and beautiful message for me. I received it.
While I was there I noticed a picture in a frame there of a bridge. Actually it was 2 bridges, but I had to study it for a few seconds before it became apparent to me. As I sat there and studied the picture Nick, God began to speak to me about that picture. The bridge was broken, weak, beat down, fragile, worn out, and no longer serve it's purpose. It could no longer get someone across the waters below, and most importantly it could not lead you out of the Forrest. It left you all alone. You were stuck there unless there was a bridge to help you. Then as I looked at the picture I realized there was a second bridge. It was new, strong, bright, beautiful and renderd useful. It would allow for one to cross the waters below AND most importantly this bridge lead you out of the woods. You were no longer, stuck or alone. This bridge would lead you home, it would lead you to Freedom at last!!! Wow what a revelation. It was a beautiful, metaphor. One I took to heart and hope not to ever forget. The bridge, the birds, the flowers and Irenes suggestion of an artist. Also Tom asked if I had ever considered writing a book about my life, our lives, our story. Actually I have, infact I somewhat feel like all the blogging and writing I've done is my story, a book in the making! All I know son is I will have hear clearly from God about it!!!
Well it's Friday and I am not feeling all that great. So I'm gonna get get some mire medicine son and lay back down. I just wanted to share my heart, and who better to do that with than you my handsome boy:) I love you so very much Nick Nick. Always my boy, always my live, always, always in my heart.
I live you more ~moma~