Good morning Good boy

Hi my sweet Nick,
I love you son and miss you.
Happy Halloween again son.
The man that bought your bike is from Seattle, his name is Dave. He called Lloyd 2 days after he bought your bike and told him that he saw how hard it was for Jess and Moma to do that deal with him. He said tell them that I am a collector and that I will take Very good care of it and that I will appreciate at and bike it with respect! i thought that was pretty cool. So Nick, someone who loves and appreciates bikes got your;s...for that I am glad. I know I will see it again.:)
I just wanted to say hi before I got busy this morning. You are always on my mind, and forever in moma's heart.
I love you more ~moma~

Hi my sweet boy,
You've been on my mind all day! So, a couple hours ago I brought the comp. in my room and decided to listen to music. I found a few amazing songs I never heard before, and listened to a few of my favorites. One of the new ones is called "Still Here" by one of my favorite artist..Natasha Bedingfield, it is a Beautiful song Nick, it reminds me of you and the first time I listened to it I cried and cried and realized you really are very much "Still Here". I grabbed the necklace around my neck with your ashes and held it tight, but I felt you so much IN MY HEART!!! You are with me baby, you are with me always, always son. Just not in body, but all the way in my heart, spirit, mind and soul. I will always feel you, know you have you in my heart and soul, there's no other place for you.
I miss you being here in body though my Nicholas James, I cannot lie. But I do have a flicker of joy in my mind knowing you are safe in Jesus arms. If you had to be anywhere but in my arms son, I am grateful to KNOW you are in His. I will see you again and rejoice forevermore with you, God, the angels and all our loved ones there with you now.
I love you so son.
Today was a good day Nick, nothing big, bad or special, just trying to be in the moment without a breakdown or stress in an entire day.
I love you so and I will write you later my Angel Boy.
I love you more ~moma~

Hi Son

Hi my Nicholas James.
I love you son.
Well yesterday was an up and down day!!!
One of Greg's good friends Travis, mother died yesterday she was only 40, she got the swine flu and never recovered from it. UGH!!! It just breaks my heart, he's only 14, but he does have his dad and lots of family that he see's all the time. he will be surrounded with their love, he is fortunate to have all that family, it will help him a great deal.
When you died Nick, I didn't have a lot of family support. I was blessed beyond measure to have my friends and they just enveloped me, thank God. I don't know what I would have done without their continual love, prayers and support.
Jo and I took a road trip to Boise on business to glean from a young but already successful company. We are looking at their tools, marketing and comp plan. The next day Jo called me and said the company wanted to fly her and I to Utah to Headquarters and tour the plant, and to have dinner with the CEO of the company at his estate. WOW, what an honor and surprise. So, I was all over the board emotionally yesterday. I made it through with Gods mercy and grace:) thank you Lord.
I found a penny today Nick, thank you. I love you baby and miss you so much. I went to your Garden today and brushed away all the leaves! I can't believe you are gone Nick. I am still shocked, living in somewhat disbelief of it all, and yet the pain I have of your absence is very real.
I miss your love so very much.
I will write you later. kisses and hugs.
I love you more ~moma~

Good night son

I love you, I miss you.
I just wanted to say Sweet Dreams and good night to you and Shelby Bear.
It has been a very long and exciting day son. It started off rough but I gotta tell you, it turned into quite the blessings.
I will write you tomorrow, I am running on 4 hours sleep at best, again, so I am really gonna try to sleep in a bit in the am.
I love you Nicholas James ~moma~

Nicholas James, I love you sweet boy.

I miss you dearly and severely today.I am watching your slide show today from start to finish. I watch it maybe once a month, but I have watched it more than 10 times in the past week. I don't believe you are gone...I still can't, I can't! Not MY Nick. Not MY child. Not MY son! I look at those pictures of you and remember just how much you loved life and were full of life and loved living your life...til the day your butterfly flew away, and to you, your world grew very dim. I am sorry son that you were devastated by her death to THAT degree. I am sorry that you felt you were punished when she died, you weren't! I am sorry you that you couldn't see another way THROUGH this pain. I am sorry you felt were all alone, you weren't. I am sorry that your heart was ripped out of your chest. I am sorry that you hurt yourself. I am sorry that I wasn't there that night when you made that fateful decision, to save you. I am sorry that you didn't get to see it through to new dreams and new love. I am sorry that you had to know such gut-wrenching agony in your beautiful young life...I would have given my life to spare you that!!!I am so sorry son, I am so sorry. My heart still hurts today son for you, even though you are no longer in agony and torment. It is no consolation to my current heart condition, none! Grateful you aren't suffering, yes! But devastated as to how your not suffering anymore ended. My heart hurts because your heart hurt. I wish you could have seen another way..a brighter day, future, beginning, life. I hoped you would not lose your hope. I prayed and prayed and prayed, God please help Nick!!! Is this is help?! Was this the ONLY way???I am ANGRY again today son, I'm sorry!Angry that your temporary problem was solved by a PERMANENT solution!!! It can't be re-done!!! There are no second chances with death. I am hurting today son because I just wanted you to be happy and healthy and successful in life. Your life was cut short your dreams, my dreams, our dreams were all gone in ONE single act. I am having a HARD HARD day today over you son. Nicholas I CANNOT adaquately describe the whole in my heart from the absence of your presence in my life. I CANNOT adequately describe the longing I STILL feel everyday for you. I CANNOT adequately describe the aching in my soul to touch you, hug you, feel you...the tears keep rolling! I CANNOT describe the pain that is my constant companion since you died. I CANNOT describe how it feels to want to pick up the phone and hear your voice, and the let down and craziness that comes into my head the very second after that thought, because I know I CAN'T call you and hear you LIVE. I CANNOT describe the lonliness I feel in my spirit knowing my child died. I CANNOT describe the emptiness that lingers on and on in my everyday life because you aren't in it anymore. I CANNOT describe the unexpected, unconsolable, unrehearsed groans that rise up and out of the pit of my stomach for you. I CANNOT describe the unrested fibers in my being since you died, they never rest. I CANNOT, I CANNOT!!!I miss you something terribly fierce today, and I don't know how I am gonna get through this day with this burden. I will beg for Gods mercy...again.I miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you.I love you and miss you beyond infinity! Do you understand me Nick???God save me from my anger, and heal my aching heart, please. For I CANNOT live this way for the rest of my life. I CANNOT resign to a life of constant aching because my child has died. I love you so very much my sweet Nicholas James. I love you, I love you,
I love you more ~moma~

Hi baby

Hi my Nicholas,
I missed you today, probably a little more than usual because I was away from home all day and night. I feel like that when I have to leave town and I leave the kids and all your pictures and beautiful memories of you all around the house. I haven't liked to leave town or go too far from home for a long while unless Greg and Journey are with me.
I just got back from Boise, it is 4 am, the meeting started and ended on time but we went to eat afterward and saw some of the people from the meeting at Jo's crab shack and we stayed for another 2 hours visiting. It was worth the trip, I learn a lot from these meetings, good or bad I always like to glean from others in the marketing world.
I miss you sweet boy, and I love you so very much. I better try to get a couple hours rest before taking the kids to school. Moma will write you later as I always do!
I miss you everyday all the time still, I will never get over missing you. You are always on my mind and forever in my heart Nicholas James.
I love you more ~moma~

Good morning son

hi sweet boy, i love you

I am up early this morning, lots to do before i leave for boise.

Wanted to tell you i love you first, and that i miss you. i didn't get by the garden yesterday but i am going there this morning, i have a butterfly for you and shelby. i miss you like crazy Nick!!!

i have found so many feathers and pennys this past year it has been amazing. i also found a lot of hearts, mostly rocks, it's kinda cool where i find these things though, in or at the most unlikely spots, thats why they are so special, because i know they are just for me from you!

i got out the picture of you from your 2nd hollween you were 14 months old and i dressed you up as a clown, you looked adorable! i have one of greg when he was 2 1/2 and journey was 16 months. i had yours in a 8x10 and put it in a 5x7 like greg and journs. my long time friend Selena framed greg and journeys and gave them to me last week as a gift. i cried and cried they were so cute, but i cried because it was so sweet and it touched my heart so deep, for her to think of doing something like that for me.

I will write you later son.

Your a good boy Nick, I miss you babe.

i love you more ~moma~

I will always miss you son

i will always miss you and love you more, good night sweet son.

i love you more ~moma~

I miss you son

October 26, 2009
Good morning my son,
I love you and miss you.
It's raining out today and it is really windy, so the leaves are blowing around everywhere! i don't like it when the trees go bare, but it sure is pretty to see them change colors just before their gone.I got the house put back together again. So much work, but it sure feels good when it's done. We have two dinning room tables, I have to keep one clear so we can have family dinner at the table, it's really important that we have that back. For so long we ate at the bar or front room after you went to heaven. It was so hard to make the normal happen when everything was not normal anymore! We are doing better at getting together at dinner time and having family time.
I'm taking you a butterfly today Nick. I have a friend who makes candles out of this gel stuff. She can put glass or plastic items within the candles and they are pretty. I had her make me one two years ago with 2 butterflies in it. I never burned it until now. So I got the butterflies out of it and I'm gonna bring them to you and Shelby.I'm taking a road trip to Boise tomorrow with a friend on business. So I need to get things ready and planned for that, I have to leave at noon. Journey has cheer, so I have to make sure Daddy can do all this without my help tomorrow. Then on Friday night I am having a healthy pantry party with a few of my really good friends. you know the ones that are always there when you need them, never judge you, and love you no matter what?!!! Yeah, I have some great people in my life right now Nick, that are loving on me, supporting me and the family, and that are helping me through this rough time in our lives. Thank God for good friends. Our family is basically gone!:( but I am so thankful that my friends have been here for me and they have become "My family". I don't know what I would do without them, their love and prayers. I am blessed.I got a phone call yesterday from a friend of mine. We haven't seen and visited each other for a few years. Although we've seen each other and had small talk, we never got together for a long period of time until Sat. morning. After spending a few hours together, we decided we would go to "Wild Horse" on Fri the 7th. So me Jeri and Norma will go. I can't wait it is gonna be so much fun.Anyway, Jeri called me yesterday and said I have something great to share with you Tina. She said "I just want to let you know how much of an inspiration you are to me and tell you thank you for encouraging me to see things differently in my own life. A lot of people have said to me, I don't know how you do it Tina I would be outta here! I know God will make some good out of all the bad. She said she has been watching me for the past few days and that I am such a strong, strong person, and I am blessed to know you" I was blown away. I was crying and happy I could do that for someone. I didn't know how to receive it very well, I have been beaten down so bad the past year. I am starting to crawl again, at least I'm not still laying on the floor...motionless, helpless, and defeated, which is how I felt after you and Shelby died. I still miss you both immensely, but now I am feeling stronger, not so helpless, and encouraged that better days are ahead. The Lord knows we CAN USE BETTER DAYS!!!I love you sweet Nick, I miss you so much.I will write you later my love. Hugs and 3 kisses baby.I love you more ~moma~

I love and miss you nick, love Greg

Nicholas my sweet boy,

I wrote this poem when Uncle Greg died, I was so very heart broken just as I am now, only 1000 times worse. I remember traveling down to Healdsburg to see Nana after your Uncle died and going through the wooded area and how it just upon my heart word for word. I miss you my beautiful son Nicholas, I love you more.

Still I cry

I still hear your voice,
It echoes the canyons,
It whistles over the tree tops,
and dances with the wind.

It moves in harmony with the clouds,
skating the sleet blue sky
Still I cry...

It chases the waters,
In oceans of green,
and owns the majesty,
in the sound of rain....

It catches the snow
and the leaves in fall,
It claims a path,
down my beating heart.

It's a whisper on my shoulder
and a promise unspoken,
It unfolds my day,
like petals of a rose,
it lingers by,
Still I cry...

I love you more ~moma~

I love you son, I miss you.

October 25, 2009
Hi sweet boy,
I miss you!I love you son, and I really miss you!!!
The sun is out today, it's a bit cool out, but it's nice. I love how everything is changing colors right now, all the trees, hills and bushes are browns, greens, reds and yellows...beautiful. When I think about how pretty it is to me here, I really start to wonder, just how beautiful it is where you are!!!
I miss you Nicholas, and I still can not believe you are gone. Sometimes when I think about Shelby dieing, then you, I get angry and ask myself, why were we denied the opportunity to experience "grand parenthood" and you being a Daddy. I see all your friends, Josh, Christian, Chris, Jo, etc...married, happy, having kids, carrying on with their lives...then there's Nick, Jess and Shelby. I just don't understand all the pain, and suffering...you went through, were going through!!! I get angry son, I get so angry. I try to put things in perspective, but nothing makes sense, then I get even madder. How am I supposed to put this in perspective?? You should be here!!! Shelby should be here, that's what makes sense to me. Nothing else makes sense.My heart is tender today my mind is a bit angry, and my body is just tired.
I look back over the past year and cannot believe you and shelby aren't here, but that it has been that long since you been gone. Wow Nick, really!!!I have to stop writing for a minute cause I am very upset this morning. I look around this morning and see the remnants of your party Friday. Its all too much for me..still. It takes so much emotional energy to bring it out and it takes even more to put things away. I feel the let down today, and it hurts. I was thinking yesterday, what the hell have we been doing for the past year!!! All of us... walking through a stinking HAZE?
I love you my Nick, I love you so much and its that love for you in my heart that makes it hurt so bad still today, because I cannot give it to you, I feel like I have been saving it all up and when you get back, I will be able to give it to you, I've just been saving it all up. I do realize you aren't coming back, so how can I give the love I have in my heart for YOU to someone else??? That is the question Nick! How do I convert this contained love into good energy that I can use, give and feel today. Help me Lord to love freely, live lightly, laugh loudly.I love you so much and I miss you unbelievably. I miss you baby, I miss you bad. I will always love you my Nick, I will remember you just as I have always known you...Beautiful, Intelligent, Passionate, Loving, Giving, Funny, Lovable, Fearless, Happy, Random, Handsome, and MY SON forever, even in death.
I love you more ~moma~

Journey loves Nick

Look at your beautiful sis.