I miss you dearly and severely today.I am watching your slide show today from start to finish. I watch it maybe once a month, but I have watched it more than 10 times in the past week. I don't believe you are gone...I still can't, I can't! Not MY Nick. Not MY child. Not MY son! I look at those pictures of you and remember just how much you loved life and were full of life and loved living your life...til the day your butterfly flew away, and to you, your world grew very dim. I am sorry son that you were devastated by her death to THAT degree. I am sorry that you felt you were punished when she died, you weren't! I am sorry you that you couldn't see another way THROUGH this pain. I am sorry you felt were all alone, you weren't. I am sorry that your heart was ripped out of your chest. I am sorry that you hurt yourself. I am sorry that I wasn't there that night when you made that fateful decision, to save you. I am sorry that you didn't get to see it through to new dreams and new love. I am sorry that you had to know such gut-wrenching agony in your beautiful young life...I would have given my life to spare you that!!!I am so sorry son, I am so sorry. My heart still hurts today son for you, even though you are no longer in agony and torment. It is no consolation to my current heart condition, none! Grateful you aren't suffering, yes! But devastated as to how your not suffering anymore ended. My heart hurts because your heart hurt. I wish you could have seen another way..a brighter day, future, beginning, life. I hoped you would not lose your hope. I prayed and prayed and prayed, God please help Nick!!! Is this is help?! Was this the ONLY way???I am ANGRY again today son, I'm sorry!Angry that your temporary problem was solved by a PERMANENT solution!!! It can't be re-done!!! There are no second chances with death. I am hurting today son because I just wanted you to be happy and healthy and successful in life. Your life was cut short your dreams, my dreams, our dreams were all gone in ONE single act. I am having a HARD HARD day today over you son. Nicholas I CANNOT adaquately describe the whole in my heart from the absence of your presence in my life. I CANNOT adequately describe the longing I STILL feel everyday for you. I CANNOT adequately describe the aching in my soul to touch you, hug you, feel you...the tears keep rolling! I CANNOT describe the pain that is my constant companion since you died. I CANNOT describe how it feels to want to pick up the phone and hear your voice, and the let down and craziness that comes into my head the very second after that thought, because I know I CAN'T call you and hear you LIVE. I CANNOT describe the lonliness I feel in my spirit knowing my child died. I CANNOT describe the emptiness that lingers on and on in my everyday life because you aren't in it anymore. I CANNOT describe the unexpected, unconsolable, unrehearsed groans that rise up and out of the pit of my stomach for you. I CANNOT describe the unrested fibers in my being since you died, they never rest. I CANNOT, I CANNOT!!!I miss you something terribly fierce today, and I don't know how I am gonna get through this day with this burden. I will beg for Gods mercy...again.I miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you.I love you and miss you beyond infinity! Do you understand me Nick???God save me from my anger, and heal my aching heart, please. For I CANNOT live this way for the rest of my life. I CANNOT resign to a life of constant aching because my child has died. I love you so very much my sweet Nicholas James. I love you, I love you,
I love you more ~moma~
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