I miss you my sweet son...

Hi my sweet Nicholas James,
It has been exactly 18 months today that you have been " at peace ". And though it rips my heart out daily that you are no longer here with me physically, I am okay because I know why you had to leave!!! So because of that, I can survive his, even though at my lowest of times I may not feel like I can.... I know I will..... Somehow survive this. I just miss your beautiful face, smile, nose, hair, eyes, little ears, hands, laughter, jokes, and Big crazy tight Bear Hugs and kisses!!! I miss everything about you my handsome, smart Beautiful Boy!!! Everything!!!
Mothers Day is coming.....again!!! Ugh!!! It has got to be one of the hardest yet most beautiful days of all time. Greatful to have been your moma for 25 precious years and you my Beautiful Boy, but I would be a liar if I didn't say I miss you terribly on this day Especially!!! I will always be your moma Nicholas James.... always, not even death can change, stop or erase that truth. I love you still. I will always love you with a Mothers Heart.... Full of sweet unconditional love. You were a good son Nicholas, and you deserved a longer beautiful life!!! I will never understand why hour life was cut short.... Never!!! I want to hug you kiss you and hold you so badly right now... Sighhhhh!!!! I will hug you hold you and kiss you again though someday son, I know I will! I know you are safe, happy and free, and for that I am greatful. I miss you baby, I mis you horribly!!! Come see me tonight in my dreams son, come hug and kiss me, I miss you so much Nick:(
we have spent 2 nights now in our newly finished home and I wish you would come visit me. I have found all the penny's you have been sending since last Monday:) all through the packing and cleaning of the apartment to the unpacking into our home!!! Thank you son, thank you so much. I do feel you all around me, sometimes it is so strong and evident, other times it is a gentle scent, knudge, or presence, but you are " Still Here" with me.
The beautiful female swan at your garden lake has died:( now the male just swims around slowly as if depressed, and he doesn't come out of the water to greet us anymore:( It kind of reminds me of when you left, I didn't come out of my home either for a long time, and I too mop around still, but have managed to get out and move along a bit more. So while I was there yesterday visiting you and the swan, as I left I reached down and found the softest of a white feather and brought it home with me!!! Thank you Nick Nick, I love you sweet joy, I love you way up to the sky and back again. I love you more, forevermore. Keep sending me your gifts sweet son, I do herish each one. Each one is so special and so comforting. I will write you later my handsome Nick. I love you more ~ moma~

Hi Sweet Son,

I love you baby....I miss you so :(
Just wanted to stop from my crazy, busy but exciting day, and tell you I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!!!
We are making another run to the house right now, then back to the apartment to stay one more night, then we will be all moved back in to our home, by tomorrow night.
I will write you later.
I love you son, I love you more than I can say.
i love you more ~moma~

Hi Son

Nicholas,
Just wanted to say hi sweet boy ad tell you "I love you". We are moving things back into the house today. We all have been working on the yard getting it cleaned up, it looks real nice now.
I will write you later sweet boy. I miss you more than I can say.
I love you Nick Nick...I love your more
~moma~