***NICHOLAS***

SON,
I MISS YOU
I LOVE YOU MORE
MOMA~

***Hi sweet son***

Nicholas Baby,
I know I havent been here in a very long time...since Oct 26th!!! As I have said many of times, the more time that goes by the harder it gets:((
Baby I have struggled and struggled since your death....I am still so broken, I just don't know what to do son, I hurt hurt hurt.
I miss your voice Nick, I miss your beautiful smile, I miss your laugh, I miss you hugging me tight son....I miss you, I miss you.
Christmas is here AGAIN, and it is the worst one yet. I am in MO (you went there once Nick looking for work, I remember), I came up here with "Big dreams", everything turned out to be a disaster:(( I'm having a hard hard day son. I will spend the first Christmas ever without my children...Greg and Journey arent here with me:(( I am homesick and heartsick. I wish I could feel better Nick, but there just isn't anything that can help with a Mother's aching heart when it comes to her babies!
I did get a CHristmas card from Joyce and one from another grieving Moma:))
I'm sober today and plan to go to several meetings to try and not dwell, I know I will but it helps to be around others. I have learned, Isolation is NOT my friend!!!
I miss you terribly NICHOLAS....
I guess there is nothing else to say, except Merry Christmas in heaven my sweet sweet Nick and.....
I LOVE YOU MORE
~MOMA~

***Hi sweet son***

I just wanted to post a few of the messages and emails I got from friends on your Angelversary...you are loved and missed son, and not forgotten.
Journey said she wore your T-Shirt all day...missing you son, and that she didn't eat all day, that's what grief does, it makes us sick to our tummy's, bless her heart.
I love you baby and miss you so very much. There are no words:((
All my love hugs and kisses.
I love you more son, Moma~

***Remembering you NIcholas***

(((Tina)))



You are in my thoughts as you remember your precious son Nicholas on the anniversary of his passing from this life. No parent should ever have to remember such a date as this. I am so sorry for your loss, Tina. May today bring you many warm and gentle memories of Nicholas and the life you shared with him. (((Hugs)))



Mary (Moderator)

Mother of Cherie

5/8/96

***Remembering you Nicholas***

((((((((Tina))))))))




I'm still here, sending you more hugs and I'm holding you and your dear, sweet Nick close in my thoughts on his Angel Date today. As the years pass without our children the pain and our missing them doesn't lessen any on these special days do they? I'm wishing for you many treasured memories of your precious, precious son and timeless memories of your forever cherished time together. I hope as you remember many of these beautiful memories, and you hold Nick so very close in your thoughts and your heart today, peaceful moments will carry you gently through this very hard day. Take care dear Tina, today especially and always.

***Remembering you Nicholas***

Message body

  Dear Tina, You have been very quiet and I don't want to disturb. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your boy and grand-daughter. Nick's whole situation, it's so sad and I know how hard it is for you. I hope your day is manageable. Extra loving hugs for you. I'll have a candle burning in Nick's memory. Patricia

***Remembering you Nicholas***

Message body


Tina,



I am sorry this is a day late, but I wanted you to know that I think of all of our children every single day. I hope yesterday passed peacefully for you with memories of gentler times to see you through.



Hugs,

Kelly,

***Remembering you Nicholas***

Tina, Yes our sons were so very young and gone too soon. I've just recently joined POS as I approached Brian's third angelversary. I go back and forth of whether it hurts or helps. Wishing the very best for you.





Tammy

***Remembering you Nicholas***

Dear Tina & family,



We are sending POSitive thoughts and holding you in our hearts on the Angelversary of Nicholas. May the memories you have of precious past years help to ease the pain and wipe away the tears and may the day pass as peaceful as it can. A candle is lit here in England for Nicholas and all the POS children. Take care.



(((((((((((( (((Tina & family ---- Nicholas' Mom & family)))))) )))))))))

Nicholas James

This is a sweet note to me from another moma who lost her child and UNDERSTANDS, the pain, the hurt and all the other feelings that go along with it.




(((Tina)))




You are in my thoughts as you remember your precious son Nicholas on the anniversary of his passing from this life. No parent should ever have to remember such a date as this. I am so sorry for your loss, Tina. May today bring you many warm and gentle memories of Nicholas and the life you shared with him. (((Hugs)))



Mary (Moderator)

Mother of Cherie

5/8/96

Nicholas~ Your 3 year Angelversary~

It is so unbelievable that it has been 3 whole years Nick since I have seen your handsome face, heard your unique voice, seen your contageous smile, felt your amazing hugs and love, or recieved a call from you to just say "Hello pretty Moma, I love you".
I miss you terribly NIck had a hard time, not eating, crying all day, and on top of that I quit smoking today...I must be crazy, but I am so sick of smelling like smoke, yuck!!!
Life, my life is so different now, everything and I mean everything has changed NIck, in so many ways. One thing that has never changed is my heart is still broken over losing you. But I can honestly say, loving Greg and Journey and having them has kept me here and alive. And though it has been very difficult and many drunk days inbetween, I have come through it Nick!!! I amok, not great, not perfect butgetting well in many ways.
I love you sweet son so much and I miss you so much too.
Journey said she hasn't eaten today I know you are on her precious mind.:(( We all miss you so much sweety, I will never understand why you had to die, I still have a hard time saying that.
I can't wait for the day that we will be together again for all eternity Nicholas!!!
Reunited forever.
I love you my sweet son...I love you more
~Moma~

Nicholas

Today son you were to turn 28!!! We were all supossed to sing "Happy Birthday" to you....crying, cring, crying :((  :((  :((  :(( I will never get through your birthday without having a complete break down, no matter how long you been gone.....had a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FNGING day!!!! God I miss you so bad it's hurts, it hurts to breath, it hurts to be awake knowing you arent here, it hurts to not see you and kiss you and wish you a happy birthday today son. It hurts to not give you a special gift on your birthday, bake you your favorite  cake and sing you happy birthay :((  :((  :((  :((....It hurts to not hear your voice and hear you laughing:(( It hurts, It hurts, It hurts.
It doesn't help when others are mean to me either....what happen to COMPASSION???
Cruel, rude, and insensitive people...what's wrong with people son???? Nicw onw minute then in your face the next.
Some times life is a poece of cake and others it plan sucks!!! Today SUCKED real bad.
I have thought about you and all your birthdays...all 25 that you spent with us here on earth, and I am GREATFUL for each one...however I wanted more...many more!!!
I miss you like a crazy woman...a crazy moma bear.
 I love you I love you I love you...up to the sky and back again.
I love you more, Moma~

*** Missing you as always Nick ***

Hi my Beautiful Boy
Life is such a struggle sometimes and other times it is so wonderful!!! Still learning to live life without you here Nick:(( I still scratch my head and say to myself...your not really gone!!!
Nick I don't think you killed yourself!!! I know that's a very strong and candid statement but I honestly DO NOT believe it. It's impossible! I know you were heart broken and I know you struggled with your own demons as we all do from time to time, but I have never been settled in my heart with how you died, where you did and how they found you!!! NEVER!!!
I am gonna get to the bottom of this, I AM!!! if it's the last thing I do!!!
I love you more son and miss you everyday all the time!!! I never stop remembering you and you are always on my mind.
Come sweetly into my dreams Nick and please hug me, I miss you so:((
Forever in my heart
~moma~

Hi Handsome

Hi Nick, I love you sweet boy. Well
It's already the 10th of June and I still haven't quite smoking yet, but I just got some info on quitting smoking.
I will write a but more
Later I'm going fishing for a couple hours, wish me luck.

***I remember you son, this memorial day***

Hi my Beautiful Boy,
I love you sweet son....missing you:(( We brought flowers to you today. They had all the flags up again today they do it every Memorial Day. It is so beautiful it means me to tears no matter how many times I see it. God it's not fair Nick that I have to bring "You" flowers...should be here with me with us Nick!!!
I am watching Little Faulkers right now with Greg. He's a good boy Nick, we miss you terrible. I always cry at every picture I see of you matter how many times I have looked at it, I miss your beautiful smile, face, heart!!! I still cry everyday, I still can't truly believe you died. I don't think I ever will fully accept it! I also think "that" is normal, normal for your Moma.
I miss you so much and can't wait to see you in heaven, whenever the good Lord wills. I bet it's beautiful Nick. I can't even imagine!!! I will write you later son. You are beautiful, I love you more, Moma~

Just a thought

Good morning in heaven son,
It has been 31months today Nick since you died:(( I cannot believe you are gone....gone but not forgotten, not even for a moment my Beautiful Boy. I miss you everyday all day and I will always long for you my son. It ripped my heart apart when I learned that you were dead, and to know that you ended it all because of your extreme pain just makes it all the worse, because I couldn't save you from yourself:(( God knows I tried:(( I miss you terribly Nicholas....crying while I write. I swear others have gone on with their lives, and I shall never be the same again, never. I am trying with everything inside of me Nick to regain a "new normal" in my life but it is a fight everyday of my life I promise. What the hell is "normal" anyway? No one, No one knows my pain for you son, you were so good, so sweet, so handsome and so lovely. I miss you with a passion this day. My heart still aches for you, and it always will my son.
Missing you and loving you more Moma~

***I Am Alive***

I am Alive



I am alive...I may have lost my brother, my sister, my parent, my child, my friend, but I am a survivor of the long dark night of unspeakable loss, the unbearable pain, of my own darkness...and I am alive.


I am unwilling to stand idly by and allow shame to defeat love, or silence to defeat action. I stand for the enlightenment of a society that would hide from suicide, that would avoid, that would pretend...and I am alive...




I am unwilling for my perseverance to be in vain, unwilling for the passing of my loved one to be in shame. I loved them more than I loved myself and their life will have meaning in my action.


I am resolved and I am alive...in a world blinded by pursuit of pleasure, I am here to say that people are in pain. In a world rushing to get ahead, I am hear to say that people are being left behind. In a world obsessed with the value of the market, I am here to speak for the value of life and I am alive...


This will be no quite fight fight, for I am the voice of audacity in the face of apathy. I am the spirit of bravery in a world of action.


I am a commitment to action in the face of neutrality. I am out of the darkness...I am into the light and I...I am alive.


*****I LOVE YOU SON, ALWAYS IN MY HEART*****

 ~ Jeff Shuck, August 17, 2002 (read at a "Walk Out Of Darkness").

"A Diamond in the Rough"

"A Diamond in the Rough"



Inspired by "one" who is many...


I welcome each one who enters here with a peaceful mwah (wind kiss) and bid you farwell upon your exodus.


May your whole being open wide to the currents of Love and Light, allow them to gently flow in, linger, then welcome thear farwell.


Twilight loomed and was upon her like a haunting shadow waiting in secrecy. She wrestles the arrows of sorrow that pierce her sleep. She pines for what was, dieing a little more in her restless dreams, again and again. Many were the moons and minutes stolen away by these stinging weapons.


As the cosmos would have it, somewhere between R.E.M. and slumber the companions of doom vaporized. She was keenly aware that she was released from a deteriorating exsistence that threatened to take up permanant residence in her soul, or altogether steal her away like a force she have never known. A force that desired to tear her apart and swallow her cpmplete.


But her words can only scan the surface in describing such power. Instantly she denys the evil that insists on pumping it's venomous blood through her viens, the blood of death. She will not allow it to rape her of one more breath. At once she ceased choking on the remnants of yesterdays plight.


The morning wind carressed her bosom and whispered, I am here, come, come away with me my precious Jewel. With each tender stroke she was drawn to him with the promise she would know the depths and dimensions of her true exsistance. His presence mezmerized her as she collapsed in desperation, and fell into his open palms. Her escape from eminent doom was here.


She was thirsty now, for the river of LIFE once again. she resisted the urgency to drink quickly from the waters of life, as he reminds her that in due time all things are revealed, and this is a life of plenty. Slowly she drinks, replemishing every fiber of my being. His whisper is warm and merciful, guiding her on the waves of unchartered waters. Open your yourself, he humbly resites, and know that you lack in nothing, For truly you now possess everything that shall sustain you for eternity. He sequesters her momentarily and bravely announces, within, there is clairity and contentment that will satisfy the shouts that scream, more, more, more, command them to come forth. You need not to forget your past, only the echos of evil, that are less than truthful. Embrace your knowledge and all in its wake, let it's meshing unravel, to expose in purest form, the canvas of your soul. Hate No-One and No-thing, the darkness that imprisoned you into the black abyss, was burned up by the ricochets of your illuminating light. Your supply of energy will sustain you the like magnetic poles, that secure the planets in orbit, never to be off course or disconnected, or swallowed up by unrelenting guile again. A magnificent display of love is born into the vastness of her glorious form. One with peace and her gallant lover is the moon. He reaches for her, loves her, and delights in all her beauty. He whispers to her you are no longer an unpolished black stone tossed and lost in an endless sea of many, but visably a rare gem, pure, transparent and brilliant. A "Diamond in the Rough" has emerged, and With carful attention, she will forever shine, she will not be denied. Gentle wisdom will never abandon her.

Nightfall is upon her with pristine entention, she knows him and does not fear his arrival. She closes her eyes and feels his breath upon her cheek. She knows, she is beautiful, a beautiful "Diamond in the thr Rough", and knows he is there to kiss her good night, and he does. She drifts into the quiet night, he gazes at her silloutte, he knows he is her lover.

****I will ALWAYS love you***

***I Miss You Nick***

*Who You'd Be Today"*

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

I feel you everywhere I go.

I see your smile, I see your face,

I hear you laughin' in the rain.

I still can't believe you're gone.


It ain't fair: you died too young,

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,

Who'd you be today?


Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family,

I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue,

I feel like I can talk to you,

An' I know it might sound crazy.


It ain't fair: you died too young,

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,

Who you'd be today?


Today, today, today.

Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

The only thing that gives me hope,

Is I know I'll see you again some day.


Some day, some day, some day.

{ song by Kenny Chesney }

I love you Son

He is Gone




You can shed tears that he is gone

Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close our eyes and pray that he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you could do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU....Forever in my heart Son, I love you more Moma~

***Happy Easter Sweet Son***

Hi my Beautiful Boy,
I love you and miss you so much Nick. The holidays are still so hard.
Mark and I took beautiful lillies and tulips to you and Shelby Bear for Easter, yellow and light pink. We sat for awhile and cried as Mark held me in his arms, he is a wonderful man Nick, you would love him. He loves bikes, guns, fishing and animals....just like you son.
I didn't go to church or a meeting. We went to Cle Elum to his cabin, we also went to Wanachee, Lake Chelan, Creasant Bar, Moses Lake, Ephrata, and Vantage. We rode the bike 480 miles in 2 days, god it was so much fun. I had one of the best weekends of my life. I love him and enjoy doing things with him so much.
We went to the fair grounds yeterday too. Yanni's Daddy had 3 horses races yesterday. We had a blast, we bet 7 times and won every one of them, small money we did it for fun:)) We had such a great time with Yanni and Scott.
I do wonder what heaven is like for you and Shelby, my mom, brother and others we love, at Easter time!!! I bet it is wonderful. I love you Nicholas, I love you so much son.
I miss you always. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
Moma is doing great, but you already know this son. I am doing great in recovery, great with my relationship with Mark, and our hearts ( Journey, Greg and me) are mending, slowly but surely son, the devil will not win, GOD IS PREVAILING!!!!
I will write you later my sweet son.
I love you more Moma~

Hi Beautiful Nick

Well son,
I was right, I didn't fall out til about 5 am...you were my last thought before I fell asleep, and my first thought this morning, followed by Greg and Journey. Please hug me tight today son.
I miss you so.
Hugs kisses and I love you more Moma~

Hi sweet boy

Nicholas my son I miss you so mch....always and still!!!
I brought you flowers yesterday....sat in the truck for about 15 minutes thinking about everything that has happened in the past 2-1/2 years!!! I got angry with you again for leaving me, I loved you so much and I know you loved me so much too! I just don't understand why there couldn't have been another way to all this, to end your pain, your agony, your suffering!!! Couldn't there be? Couldn't there? Then I got really said because reality is...your not here. I know if you had it to do over again you would not have ended it this way. God, if only we could have a second chance at that:(( If only.
I miss you all the time Nick, I love you son.
My birthday is in 2 days...I have been very emotional. You used to give me the most beautiful cards and gifts. I miss that from you Nick :(( I really really miss your cards, your gifts, your hugs for me on my birthday. It is still one of the hardest days to walk through without you.
Greg is at the ocean with his friend Travis for spring break, they left for Seaside this morning. He will be gone til Thursday, yes that means he won't be here on my birthday. It makes me sad too. I know he will call me though. He sent me a couple of pics of him and the ocean :)) that made me very happy. I miss him already.
Journey is mad at moma...she is taking the split very hard. I love her so much and want to embrace her, but you know Sissy, she is stuborn and independent!!! Please pray for your sis son, I cannot handle this stress.
I am going to a 7 am meeting in the morning, so I better get to sleep son. I love you baby, I miss you always. God I miss you my Nick Nick.
I love you more Moma~

Hi Nick Nick

Hi my handsome son....
Well son, it's true Greg is now 17 years old, if only you could be here, see him, love him, talk to him, tell him you love him, praise him for all he does right, and be his big brother!!!!!
His birthday was a blast. I bought him some really kewl things from Octopus Garden, BBQ'd burgers for him and Journ, made him 17 cup cakes and decorated them in "Bombers" colors, and "Happy Birthday Greg" has 17 letters so it was perfect I tell you...he loved it:)) I stuck $17 cash in his card and gave him $20 for gas. Got him 3 mylar balloons, a smiley face, one that say's it's all about you and a Garfield, guess which one he liked most? Yep, Garfield!!!
I am crying as I write you son.....you would be so very proud of who he is, and how beautiful his heart is, he is such a beautiful person.
I miss you a lot today son, I knew when I woke this morning I already missed you tons and that it would be a weepy day for me:(( I miss you I miss you I miss you Nicholas....god how I miss you.
Please interceed for your sissy...she is having a hard time with "things" Nick. She is such a good girl, smart and beautiful....
I also got them both a 1 year Gym membership at Gold's Gym, they built one near Target and they are building a bigger one, and it will be here by Oct. I am hoping this will help her fill good and get some exercise and sleep better. They can go together.
Moma is good Nick. As you know I was not looking but God blessed me with Mark....a beautiful human being who I have already introduced to you. We have fun together, talk about everything (you know I was missing that in my life for a long time), he listens, he cares and he is becoming my best friend. He helps me walk through and talk about the toughest things in life....like Losing you and Shelby, Drinking over it, divorce, every day issues and sobriety. I will soon have 90 days:)) I am so happy to not be drinking any more, but my goodness Nick it sure gets rough. When I wanna run and hide I talk to Mark, call Greg or Journey or a friend and spill my guts!!! Thats what I do now instead of running to a bottle that never did shit for me anyway, but keep me in my depression and turmoil. Today I look life and all its trials in the face, pray constantly and not drink. I know you would be so very proud of me son. I can honor you by not drinking and honor myself too. God is good and life is getting better with every SOBER breath. The _ _ _ holes in life will not get me down...they just make me wanna FIGHT for LIFE all the more, and we can add l_ _ _ _ to that _ _ _hole list!!!
Anyway today is April Fools Day.....I'm missing you and that's no joke!!!
I will write you later my sweet sweet boy.
Hugs, kisses and loves,
I love you more ~moma

Good Morning son

Hi my sweet son....
I miss you every day handsome boy. I love you so much and think of you always. I miss you with all myheart. When I go through a rough patch of things in life, I always think of you and wish you were here to give me a big hug and hear your words " Don't cry Moma, everything will be alright", and then " pretty Moma."
I miss your love, hugs and encouragement son. I know you are watching over me, I feel you all the time. Thank you for the penny yesterday and again just this morning:)) They bring me comfort and I know you are still sending me messages:))
Yanni called me 3 days ago and gave me a message from you:)) She said she was at work and you tapped her on the shoulder and said " I approve of Mark" and that you liked him. I know you would Nick, because he is a good person, has a good heart and has helped me through rough times, and most importantly, he has helped me with my sobriety. He has 29 years sober, encourages me to go to meetings, and introduced me to a wonderful group of people in A.A. and I now call it my "Home Group."
God Nick, sobriety is great and I am so proud of myself. It feels good to be clean and sober, I wish I had started sooner, but it all happens when it's supossed too:))
God is good Nick. I went to church again yesterday and it was a message of loving our children and teaching them of God. I know I did and continue to do that for you kids. I know you are with God now.
I am crying right now as I think about my life...tears of joy and tears of sorrow son. I can't believe Nana (my moma) will have been gone 10 years this June, Shelby 3 years and my brother Greg 16, all in June, so hard to believe, and you almost 2 1/2 years soon. My life is so diferent son, and I miss my family so much, all of you :((
I will be okay though son, I am a warrior at heart and I will more than survive, I will prosper and LIVE, and I will go on son, as I know I should.
I miss you with all that I am son. Please pray for me for tomorrow son, you know!!!
I love you more moma~
Hugs and kisses to you sweet boy~

***Good Morning***

Hi my beautiful boy, I love you.

***Nick Nick***

Good Morning son,
It's Sunday and raining out side...you know how much Moma loves the rain:)) I love you sweet boy.
I went dancing last night and had a great time, I go about every other weekend, sober of course:))
Just enjoying my sobriety and life is getting better Nick...It will never be as it was before losing you son, but it is bearable these days. I never never thought I would ever see this day, know this day feel this day. I could never imagine life being bearable after losing you son...it has always been UNTHINKABLE, I could never believed I could ever get passed the turmoil of it all. The turmoil killed me day after day, God has relieved me from that day to day agony. I will always grieve you dieing honey, you are not suppose to gone before moma!!! I will always miss you!!!
I love you I love you I love you,
I miss you I miss you I miss you,
I love you more sweet son of mine, Moma~

Good Morning my sweet son

Hi my Beautiful Boy, I miss you in my life so much son. I miss you always, there is never a day that I don't think of you at least a hundred times a day:(( I love you .
I am doing well son, I am sober, I am seeking happiness within again and finding it, I am forgiving myself for relapse and learning that it probably saved my life!!! I also believe that had I not I would still be drinking and extremely lost or worse...dead. I am returning to God and my faith and strength are building. Going on 3 months sobriety and VERY VERY PROUD of myself Nick, as I know you are watching over me and you are PROUD of Moma too:))
Greg FINALLY got his car painted, it looks so good and he is proud of having a nice car. He is still working at D.Q. he works weekends for now, he doesn't like that part of it, but it keeps him busy and he has money in his pocket. He is a great boy and so loving still.
Journey is doing well too, she is a beautiful 16 year old and has a good head on her shoulders. She will be taking her drivers test very soon. When she gets her license I will give her my car. That is awesome because it means I will be driving your Trans Am....looking forward to that:)) I go back and forth with restoring it or leaving it just the way you had it before you got your wings:(( God I miss you my Nick Nick.....I miss you I miss you I miss you!!!!
The sun is shinning today and it's the first day of spring, I miss the warmth and welcome it. It has been another cold winter.
I will write you later my son. I miss you and love you always~
I love you more Moma~
ps Happy St. Patty's Day

Hi my precious Nick Nick

Well son as you know Bobbi left me today and now you are holding her son:(( moma was so sad:(( Lloyd put her outside and she found an old pine tree and went and layed down under it to die! By the time I found her she was almost gone:(( I scooped her up and tried driving her to the vet but on my way there she drew her last breath:(( I just cried and cried son. I pulled over and just held her. I told her that she was very loved and that she was a good moma kitty!!! She knew I was there with her when she left this world! She died in my arms! The good thing about it all is I gave her a good life and home. She was so loved!!!
Journeys 16th birthday party is going on right now, she has 16 girls here it has been a very emotional but happy day!
Greg is getting his car painted tight....finally!!!
I love you son and know that you will take good care of Bobbi. I miss you so much Nick:(( forever loving and missing you:((
forever my son, forever my Nick Nick
I love you more, Moma~

Nicholas James...my sweet son

Hi baby...I love you and miss you:((
Nicholas, moma is doing well. I have over 60 days back in my "lifestyle" program. It feels so good to be back. It is a miracle that I made it son....I still can't believe that I did make it, I never really believed it myself, but my good friends believed for me until I could believe it myself. I didn't have any hope, and more than that I didn't want to live without you in my life. Until of late, I wanted to die because I was so miserable. I still miss you like crazy, cry everyday, and am sad that you are not here with me son:(( I hate that you are gone and my heart is still broken beyond repair. It will never be whole again, until we meet in heaven. I miss you so much Nick. I cannot for the life of me believe you have been gone for almost 2 1/2 yrs.
Your beautiful sissy will be celebrating her "Sweet" 16 Birthday this Sat, as you know she will be 16 on Sunday, you don't know how many times I have thought about this day and counting on you being here to see it too. She is so very beautiful, smart and lovely.
Greg is so very handsome, smart and looking more and more like you every day. He got a job at Dairy Queen, and hopefully will have his car painted befor his 17th birthday.
Lloyd and I are divorcing after nearly 18 years. Son, you know I was not happy with things years ago. I tried and tried to make things work. I begged him not to leave the kids and I and work out of state and counrty for months at a time, but he has continued to do so for years. As a result Nick, we grew distant from each other instead of growing together. I am glad that we are going our seperate ways as he wants one thing and I another. Please pray for Greg and Journey that God will give them Peace, Comfort and Guidance.
I love you son, Nicholas......I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.....
I love you more, Moma~

Hi my sweet boy

Hi my baby, I miss you always everyday still I know I always will my son:(( there is nit really even an hour of any day that had passed since you have been gone, that I I have not thought of you, missed you, cried for you and longed to kiss your face hug you and hear your voice:(( it's raining out son and I always think of you in the rain:)) I miss your smell I miss your hugs I miss your love I miss your smile I miss your laughter I miss your hugs I miss your hugs I miss your hugs!!! I miss hearing you yell me " I love you Moma".
Greg and journey are doing great son:)) Greg started work yesterday at DQ, his first job ever:)) I am so proud of him. Journey isn't doing cheer again this year. She has a tin of friends and is so very beautiful:)) Greg is looking more and more like you everyday Nick, it is so very bittersweet!!! Bitter because his looks remind me of you that I cannot see but sweet because he looks like you. Oh Nick I miss you so so very much son. I can't believe you have been gone 28 months, and that you will also be 28 this year!!! I bet you have gotten so much more handsome in heaven, you were always my Brautiful Boy Nick.
I love you so Nick. Moma will write you soon, okay? I will have 60 in 2 days, and I know you are ao very proud of me!!! I am happy gain son, nit a 100% nit sure I will ever be, but I am experiencing happiness again son, it still comes in doses and degrees!!!
I love you my precious Nick Nick:))I love you more
Huggles Moma~

Good morning sweet boy...

Nicholas,
I love you baby and miss you so very much always, always and always. It is so cold outside, no snow yet today but it is predicted, Ugh!!! I just want it to be warm again, sunshine and more sunshine. I want my SON shine back, I always want you back every second of every day!!! I still don't want to believe you are gone Nick! I believe every moma who's child has gone to heaven thinks that way, we as moma's cannot fathom that loss in our hearts we cannot reconcile it, we cannot allow our hearts to fully process that reality!!! It is too much pain, much too painful to ACCEPT. I try everyday to accept it the best I can, but all I do is CRY, and say to myself, NO, NO, NO!!! you can't be gone, and yet my heart knows all too well, I miss you beyond reason, because you are not here. I miss you son, I miss you so much. The pain is always here with me of losing you. I think about you when I am happy, I think about you when I am sad. I think about you always...my mind and heart wonder off to you and I stay for hours at times. I just want you back....I will always want you back. I am having a hard day today son...they still come and haunt me...Bad days. They will never stop as long as I live, for my heart is broken, and empty without you. Greg and Journey fill it up with their love, but NOTHING or NO-ONE can ever replace or fill the space in my heart that will always belong to YOU my Beautiful Boy. I miss you and I love you more, more, more....always missing you, forever missing you. My hope and sanity for today is, I KNOW one day I WILL see you forever!!! Kisses to you my sweet son, BIG HUGS and lots of love babe. I miss you more, I love you more,

Moma~

Nick I still miss you everyday of my life:((

Hi sweet son moma misses you so much and I love you deeper than any love I have ever known! I am doing well son but you already know that don't you:)) I wanted to tell you I love you and send you hugs and kisses!!! I miss you so much Nick and always dream of what life would be like today if you were here. God knows I dream of you, think of you and miss you always:(
I will write you soon my Beautiful Boy.
I love you more, moma~

Youarelovedone@yahoo.com

Hi my sweet son,
I love you son and miss you everyday!!! Moms is doing better Nick. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you more, good nite in heaven son. I love u so much. Moma~

CHRISTOPHER CROSS - SAILING

How do you get that lonely - Blaine Larson (With lyrics)

My dearest Nicholas....
I do know how you got that Lonely...and I STILL wish I could have saved you from that moment of decision in time...I miss you son, beyond measure or comprehension.
Forever My " Beautiful Boy "
I love you so much Nicholas, and I miss you....
Luv, luv, Moma~

***Good Morning in heaven Son***

Hi sweet son,
I love you babe, I am weepy for you today...I do have much better days, and the memories of all the precious years you were here with me keep me smiling and sustain me when I think I cannot take another breath because of the longing, but your love and your life keep me holding on. I hear your voice telling me, Moma you are worth it, and be happy!!!
17 days today son...:) I know you are proud, look at your brother and sister they are so proud of Moma too, and they are secure again, laughing again, getting along again, and they are amazing.
I miss you sweet boy. journey and I had a brief but cool conversation last night! I don't remember what I said but she replied with...I can't wait for heaven!!!! I said yes you can, and she said well you know what I mean mom, it will be so awesome, no more evil, no more, sadness, no pain and no tears and I said yes Babe, that is right, then she said and I can see my brother again and Nana and Shelby, and Unce greg and "D" and all my loved ones and pets and friends!!!! Oh, I remember what it was that got us on that subject. I grabbed a compisition book, for my womans study group that just happened to be her's and she smiled and said you gonna use this moma, and I said ya if thats ok. She said oh this one is from 8th grade. In it was a story of what she would grab if there was a house fire and she said she would grab her porceline hand that her Nana made and pidtures of her beloved niece, she said these mean the world to her:) that was after Shelby died but before you. Then she said also in there is a story about  who I'd want to see again if given the chance...who do you think that is, yep YOU Nick. This was after you died. She wrote so much, she said " Everyday I wish I could see his bright beautiful face. Nothing could help his soul. She say's she misses your laughs, his beautiful bright eyes, his hugs and kisses, and when I was sad I will never forget his loving voice. His last words to me were, I love you sissy, I'll see you when I get home...but he didn't come home, instead he went to heaven:(. She say's again amongst other things, I just want to see my brother again. See son, you were so loved by so many so deeply...you are missed beyond description, and yet your 13 year old sister say's it all, very well.
We miss you and think of you everyday!!!! You are so beautiful and I miss that part of me....YOU!!!!!
I love you sweet Nick, I miss you and I too can't for the day I will hold you forever in my arms:)
Kisses and hugs to you my sweet boy....Come see me in my dreams and make them sweet son.
Forever my son...

I love you always, Moma~

Hi Handsome

Hi Nicholas baby, I luv luv u sweet boy!!! Well you son of all people KNOW what my last 13 days have been like:) and I KNOW you are so very very very proud of Moma... I can't do it without Gods help and your precious love for me son:) thank you for praying for Moma:) I miss you so much my precious Nick!!! Today actually this morning I thought gosh I really would like to call you and hear your voice today and ask you " Hows your day son"? Oh how I miss you.... So so very much sweet boy:( sleep well in heaven honey, big hugs and kisses son. Missing you always and loving you forever, Moma~

WILDFLOWERS ~ TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS ~ FOR CHARISSE ~ (L...

I love you sweet son...and you do belong with the wild flowers, you are beautiful, I love you more Moma~

Hi Son...It's Thursday again.....

Nicholas,
Thursday's have always made me go into some kind of an emotional spin....since you left baby!!!! Thursday's will never be, look or feel the same EVER AGAIN!!!
I am having a rough day son, shacky but pushing through, moment by moment, hour by hour. I miss you fiercely today!!!!
I miss you always, today is a bad one. I love you my sweet Nick, I love and miss you so much son. I miss your voice, your love, your face, I miss hugging you, I miss your smell, your hugs and loving you!!!  I miss you:(
Hugs to you in heaven my Beautiful Boy....I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I love you more Moma~

***Hi Son***

I know you are proud of me.....
It was so so hard though to go there today, but I went!!! Only by God's Grace and by His Might.....
I love you love and losing you has all but destroyed me!!!! Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, other times I think just kill me and end my misery, and other times I want to live and have a good life again....I just don't know if I have the strength!!! God give me strength.
Help me son, keep praying for Moma...
I love you sweet boy...forever in my thoughts and heart. I miss you beyond comprhension!!!!
I love you more Moma~

****Nicholas, All I know is*****

I wrote a poem one day about my Nick Nick. Apparently I sent it in to an online site called Family Friends Poems, back on 10/19/09, I didn't remember doing it ( as it hadn't even been a year since Nick Nick was gone yet) and haven't thought about that site since. I just wanted to share this with my pos family. Love Tina~


They sent recently sent me this email:


Dear Tina Pielstick,



Thank You for submitting your poem to Family Friend Poems.

I have reviewed your poem and approved it for publication on our website.

Your Poems webpage is: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=27816

Visitors are able to rate and comment on all poems.

Please stop by and check on the feedback your poem is generating.

Thank You for sharing your poetry with us.



Alice,

Editor



www.familyfriendpoems.com







Son Death Poem

I am a bereaved Mother and Nana. I lost my son Oct. 23, 08 and granddaughter June of 08. My heart hurts. I have 2 other kids they are wonderful. 14 and 15. married and live in Wa.

All I Know Is...





All I know is.... I will always miss my Nick and long for him.

All I know is.... one minute I'm together and the next I'm falling apart.

All I know is.... my heart hurts all the time and it has never felt whole since the day he died.

All I know is.... the tears won't stop filling up my eyes, soaking my pillows or staining my face.

All I know is.... I "Really Really" miss him.

All I know is.....it hurts ALL the time.

All I know is.....I want him back.

All I know is.....sometimes I want him so badly, that I want to go to him.

All I know is.... there is no greater ache in this world than my child dying.

All I know is.....I love him, even in death, I love him so much.



© Tina Pielstick By: Tina Pielstick 10-19-09





Poem Source: All I Know Is..., Son Death Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=27816#ixzz19wTZccVo







Each day at dawning, I lift my head high

And raise up eyes to the infinite sky,

And, as I give thanks, I quietly pray,

"God, keep me and guide me and go with me today."

(((Helen Steiner Rice)))

Tina, Moma to Nicholas, Gregory & Journey:

R.I.P. My Sweet Son Nick,Nick,

8-24-83 to 10-23-08

"I love you more"

My Precious ShelbyPaige (Grand-daughter

2-4-08 to 6-29-08 Forever your Nana

http://nicholasjamesdevine.blogspot.com

http://nicholas-devine.gonetoosoon.org

http://www.legacy.com/gb2/default.aspx?bookid=2529854989945&cid=full

****The Broken Tea Cup****

I WAS A BROKEN TEA CUP
MY CHINA WAS ALL SHATTERED
GLUED BACK TOGETHER MANY TIMES
BUT MY FRAGMENTS WERE ALL SCATTERED


I WAS USELESS TO ANYONE
I COULDNT HOLD NOTHING ANYMORE
FOR WHEN YOU TRIED TO USE ME
FROM MY CRACKS I WOULD POUR


I JUST TOOK UP NEEDED ROOM
MY DESIGN WAS FADED AWAY
WITH ALL MY HOPES JUST GONE
I THEN DECIDED TO PRAY


AFTER I HAD SAID AMEN
THERE CAME BY A MAN IN WHITE
HE SAID HIS NAME WAS JESUS
OH HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT


HE REACHED TO PICK ME UP
AND I FELT HIS WARM EMBRACE
HE BEGAN TO FILL MY CRACKS
THEY LEFT ME WITH NO TRACE


HE GAVE ME A NEW DESIGN
HE MADE ME A SIGHT TO SEE
FOR JESUS MADE ME NEW AGAIN
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?


NOW I HAVE FOUND A PURPOSE
I CAN HOLD WHAT YOU MAY POUR
BECAUSE OF JESUS LOVING ME
I AM NOT USELESS ANY MORE


**My heart will always be shattered Nick, because you are not here wit me**