Nick, Nick

Here's your Beautiful Sis, by Auntie Julie's creek.
Hi my sweet boy. Oh man....
This has been a good visit:) Last night I layed down for 2 hours and took a nap. When I woke up I ate dinner and felt much better. We stayed up til after midnight, not too late then was up this morning by 7:30. I made hot Cinnamon rolls for everyone, then took a shower.
KK came over about 9:30 this morning. She gave me the BIGGEST, WARMEST HUG!!! It was Godly Nick, she didn't want to stop hugging me, it was beautiful. But I knew Journey wanted to see her so I stopped and let everyone else love on here, I wish I didn't stop til she wanted to!!! Then I went out side and bawled my eyes balls out. I thought of you and Shelby...big time. WHY WHY WHY...just about killed me at that moment!!! WHY NOT GOD??? WHY NOT Nick and Shelby!!! I was MAD and SAD!
Boo was supposed to work til 3:30 today but he called at 10 and said he could get off work early, so I went and picked him up. Then Sis and I went went with KK to get a bit to eat, and to a couple thrift stores, that's when I found "IT" the little white feather you sent me this morning. I felt it earlier when I went to pick up Boo, that you were gonna send me either a feather today or a penny, I just didn't know which one. Then I saw it, the feather laying there in the parking lot. So, I found it and cried, then we went in the store for a few. When we were gone we went and got carrots and onions for "poor man stew" and came back, I drove. When Auntie Julie got out of the car she found your penny. So, you sent them both sweet boy. Thank you son, they mean so much to me, and I feel you with me all the time, but when you send me a feather or a penny, it is very GODLY at that moment, I need to learn to listen when you do it, for I know there is a message with it!!!
We all went to the mall, and just got back. Got Greg some cologne and Journey some Mrs. Fields cookies. We just got back to Auntie Julie's and now I'm gonna make dinner. Joyce is coming over in a bit, I can't wait to see my friend, I love her so.
I better get going son. I miss you so much. Sending along a pic here, miss you so much.
I love you son,
I love you more ~moma~

Hi sweet son

Hey we made it to Cali in 13 hours and had a great trip down, thanks for watching over us son. We will be here until Monday about 4 am, then back home. Journey has cheer and I have my second grief class, neither of us can miss them.
I love you Nick and I miss you so much.
We are at Auntie Julie's house right now, but then again you alreay know that!!! Boo is at work and Joyce will be over here tomorrow to visit.
We may go to Discovery Bay to your other Aunt and cousin. We'll see though,It's another long drive.UGH, don't think the kids will be up to it, cause we are looking at a 13 hour drive back home.
I will write you tomorrow sweet angel. I love you and miss you every second of every hour of everyday!!!
I love you more ~moma~

I miss your Beautiful smile Nick!!!

I love you sweet son, and I just wanted to say we are about to go to Ca. Bittersweet memories for sure. Keep watch over us baby. I miss you so much son. I know you are still here with me in many ways,just not physically, but I feel you, I hear you, I know it is YOU. I love you son, my Nick Nick...how I miss you.
I love you more, forevermore...
I miss my Nick.
I love you more ~moma~

"If love alone was enough"

Nick,

If love alone was enough,
you would still be here.
If love alone was enough,
you wouldn't have gone.
If love alone was enough,
you would have called for it.
If love alone was enough,
you would have grabbed ahold of it.
If love alone was enough,
you would have had hope for better days.
If love alone was enough,
you would have stayed.
"If only" love were enough!!!

Written By: "Your" Moma Nick. Tina Pielstick 1-14-10
I love you more ~moma~

Nick,

My son, My Friend

Within my heart,

you'll always be.

My mind is filled,

with your sweet memory.

Your spirit and love,

will never be gone,

because I will forever,

carry them on.

I love you more ~moma~

tcf-

Hi sweet beautiful son,

Nicholas,

Hi baby, I love you.

Greg spent the night at a good friends last night, so it was just me and Journey here. I got up with her this morning to see her off to school.

It was raining out, and I didn't want her to stand in the rain to wait for the bus, so I drove her down the hill and waited with her in the car until the bus came:) she really liked that, cause it's not cool using umbrellas at her age, hee hee.

On the other hand, I love the rain. So when I came back up to the house I left the back door open to listen to it, it's sounds so pretty. For some reason every time It rains I think of you...ummm!!! Maybe because I love you so much and rain too, there is a sweet correlation there:)

Today I am gonna read some of my material from my class Monday. I haven't had any time since then to look at it, too busy with G & J. which is good. I also have to finish reading my book, and get it turned in before we leave for Ca. The kids don't have school Mon. either so we get to stay another day in Ca, which is great. I hate driving all that way to only stay 2 days, now we get to stay for 3.

Well son, something that you would like to know is this is my 6th day waking up without having the burden and deep sorrow of missing you to the point of devastation and despair, praise God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the peace in my heart today and for the rain today, what a blessing.

Well, I better get moving now son, but I don't want to say good-bye!!! So, I won't, I'll just say until next time.

I will write you later my sweet son.

I miss you to the ends of the world...and there is no end.

I love you more ~moma~

Hi sweet beautiful son,

Hi my sweet Nick

I love you son, I miss you:(

Today has been an interesting day!!!

Woke up later about 9:30, didn't see G&J off to school, I was so tired yesterday, long day. But I woke again this morning with PEACE in my heart...praise God again. The deep sadness and burden weren't upon me for the 5th day in a row, thank you Jesus:)

Our first grief class last night on SOS was good. It was comfortable, and I think it is going to be a good thing. I believe I am ready for it and it is gonna be very healing and helpful, not only for me, but for your family. In return I will be able to pay it forward to others survivors and hurting parents and people who have been or will be hit with this devastating event in their lives. Good ALWAYS comes from bad Nick...ALWAYS!!!

I have a couple chapters to read and a journal that comes with it, so I am looking forward to looking at that material tonight.

No cheer tonight, yeaaaaaa!!!

We are gonna take our tree down tonight G, J and me. Put away all the ornaments and decorations.

Then we have to get all our laundry done, and house cleaning and shop for our food for our road trip. Then we are off to Melissa's baby shower in Bothel on the 23rd. Then back to Bellevue on the 30th for Journey's next competition. So, we will be doing an awful lot of traveling this month. Then on Feb, 6th we drive to Spokane for her 3rd competition.

I need to get going, dinner, school work and lots of things to get done around the house my love.

I miss you so much in my life sweet son. I still can't believe you are gone, although i really do know your gone.

I miss you so, I love you

I love you more ~moma~

Morning Son,
I love you Nicholas James, I miss you.
It's Monday and it is the 4th day in a row I woke without that deep burden of longing for you...PEACE is still in my heart and mind!!! Thank you Lord Jesus.
The kids are at school, and I start my class tonight, your Dad is going too.We are driving down to see B and Sis. I am making definite plans now, just have to make sure the roads and passes are good to travel, sis is checking on that for me in a little bit. If the passes are good for travel then it's a go. Journey will miss a day at cheer practice, but she's okay with that, and she is the best anyway. They will miss school on Friday, but they are ok with grades too.
I miss you Nicholas, I miss you so much. But I have been moving forward and staying forward since Friday, I pray I keep going. I am a little afraid that my class will take me back, but I also know I have to do it, and that I am still gonna have bad days, so I might as well go anyway. In the end it will probably be very helpful. UGH!!! I was looking forward to it for 2 weeks because I was feeling so miserable and afraid, I had no hope or peace. Now since 4 days ago I'm not as afraid and I do have hope of making it, and peace WITHIN my heart. I feel stable in my thinking. I pray to God that it stays with me. So, now that I am feeling and thinking ok, I'm a little afraid about going to the class and putting all this in front of me again. Like Auntie Julie said, "I will get on top of "this", instead of "this" being on top of me"!!! I have felt like your death has been smothering me for 14 months, like I can't breath, and it has, until last Friday night. I don't know what broke in me, but there was a breakthrough that's all I know. I believe it has been a number of things that have had to take place in order for me to be where I am now. Sucks I've had to feel and go through all this in order to heal, have peace and be where I am, it has been so painful and agonizing, but if this is how I get to be now, it has been worth all the suffering. I just want to "Live" again, not just Survive. Only those who have had to suffer and experience the suicide of their child will ever understand my pain Nick, I have learned that much. It is a pain and ache that I wish upon NO ONE!!! It is THE WORST!!!
I better get moving son. I have to take a shower, make some calls, and do some cleaning.I love you sweet boy, and I still miss you so much :(Always with me, in my heart, mind, and soul...forevermore.
I miss you.
I love you more ~moma

Hi son,

Your sis and the girls at the cheer gym. Beth her coach is standing next to your sis. This was an all night "Cheer Party" and sleep over in the Gym, they called it "Casino Night".

I love you Nicholas James, I miss you still everyday, I know I always will.

Something cool I want to share with you though. This is the third day in a row that I woke up and didn't feel "that overwhelmingly deep burden and painful longing" for you. It doesn't mean I don't miss you everyday second of everyday, because I do. It simply means this, God had shifted the pain, taken some away, and restored some peace in my heart, mind and soul.

Tonight I am making a stew from scratch for us for dinner. Journey and I are gonna sit in the Hot tub for a bit, then I will read my book for a bit and turn in early.

Tomorrow is the first class for my S.O.S. grief group. I am looking forward to it, as God knows I need some understanding and healing.

I love you Nicholas James, and not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. As of right now, I haven't cried for missing you first time ever since you passed son. But the night's not over and I will probably cry when I go to bed.

Greg and I went to your garden today, I left you a note, cleaned up all the remnants from Christmas and the area around it. I will bring you some fresh flowers on Friday.

I love you sweet son, I miss you so very much.

I will write you later

I love you more ~moma~