I love you more ~moma~

I love you Nick

May 30, 2009
Good morning my sweet Nick,
I miss you like crazy son. It has been very hard for me this past week. A lot has been happening in and around our lives. I've been a little stressed, I have a lot on my plate. I haven't been sleeping well again! There is so much happening all at once. I am working through things son. I wish you were here to hug me. I wish I could hug you.
I STILL have not dreamed about you! I find that almost odd, because I used to dream a lot and I usually remember my dreams. It has been 7 months since you passed baby, and I do not remember ONE single dream about you or Shelby. I pray I will dream about you two and that they will be sweet. I know when Nana died I dreamdt amost immediately, and most were good. So, maybe God is protecting me from them until I can get some of the incident itself a little further from my memory. I dont know. I wish I could SEE YOU and I know when I dream I think it's real. I want to hug and kiss you so bad.
Your Dad and I are working on your plaque son, that has big my biggest hurdle this past week. It's been an emotional one.
G has been pretty quiet since you passed son. It concerned me just a little . But part of G's personality is on the quiet side. But he was holding a lot in, he shared and man am I greatful!!! J on the other hand has been verbal and able to cry and express anger and saddness. My focus is to help channel all that emotion and energy into healing. They miss you beyond belief. My heart is broken because theirs is. It seems like when I jump one hurdle 3 larger ones are waiting ahead. I just want all the pain, grief, saddness, anger, crying, and hurt to STOP and GO AWAY. However, we are still altogether. There has been some break throughs this week and now I believe we have a starting point to work with to help us support each other with where we are personally. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, losing both you and Shelby, then picking up the pieces of G&J hearts. That is all I can deal with right now,them, but so many of us are so broken. I can only focus on MY babies. And believe me, when your hear and see them cry at this age, you know it hurts badly. Please help us God, to make it. Please God give us strength, love, joy peace in our hearts. Heal G and J hearts and bring them to a place of happiness and joy. We miss you so much Nick, G&J loved you like....no-one else. They looked up to you and loved hanging out with you. You were their cool brother, you were fun, exciting, loving and funny. They could never ever get enough of you. They really miss you so terribly. I also have spoken with a few moma's who have lost children. They have found their ways into my life, so I know nothing comes into my life by coincidence. It is unbelievable son, how many mothers have lost children in this world, but there are so many right here in town, aside from Jess and I.
I miss you something fierce my son, I miss you, I miss you. I will write you later. I miss you. I love you more ~moma~

May 29, 2009
Good morning Nicholas,I love you babe, I miss you so very much still. I tell you, there isn't hardly a minute that goes by in a day that I am not missing you. I remember when my moma died, I cried out for her daily. I remember too everytime I had a hard day, or a difficult moment, I would cry for my moma, and I wanted her so bad!!! I now do that with you and Nana!! I still walk around the house and find myself saying, "Are you really gone, my Nick did he really die?" It is so very hard for me to accept still, and I still cry all the time. My heart is heavy and aching today for you my Nick. I miss you, your hugs, your love, your face, yourlaugh,your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want you back my Nick!!! I miss you unbelievably. I will never say good bye to you...never. I will see you again my Nick in heaven...I know your there my boy, with Nana and ShelbyPaige. I will write you later my Nick. I miss you I love you more ~moma~

Good morning Nick

Hi sweet boy, I miss you.
I have been getting the house in order and man does it feel good! It has been in shambles for too long. I have also been working hard on a couple other things in life. One is, my book. The other is, personal relationships. I have been so out of touch with so many. I am starting to see friends daily again, and it feels good to feel their love.
Your Dad, Greg and Journey came with me to decide on your dedication memorial plaque. Guess what my boy? We put a "Crotch Rocket" on it. As soon as I get the proof I will post it. By the way, we still have your Repsol honey! I don't know if I can part with it right now. I miss you Nicholas, all the time still. I will write you later my boy. I love you, I love you more ~moma~

Mama's *Tat* Nick (This post is from Auntie Julie)

All said & done....**I JUST WANT HIM BACK** (This post is from Auntie Julie)

Hi sweet boy

Hi my Nicholas,
I love you my son, I love you and miss you still and always will. Today I went for a drive today with Staci out to twin bridges where we floated the river with all your friends, greg and Journey came too. We had a freaking blast. I wish we could do it again and again this summer. I shall never forget our time together, so so many memories.
I'm working on my book son and it will be dedicated to you. you have thought me SO MUCH in the 25 years of your beautiful life. I'm working hard and learning so much. Thank you for your love Nicholas, I will cherish how and how much you truly loved me. I love you my boy, I miss you so very very much. I will write you later my son. "Sweet Dreams" Nicholas, I love you more ~moma~

Good morning Nick

I miss you son. I wanted to say good morning before I got started on writing. The sun is out so it is a great day to sit out on the porch and wonder into the world of writing. It is a comfortable fulfilling place for me. I miss you son and will write you later. I love you with all that I am. I am greatful to have had you as my son. I was blessed because of you Nicholas James. I love you more ~moma~

"Sweet Dreams"

Nick, my boy
I missed you all through out memorial day, you and Shelby both. I visited your garden 3 times today. Journey, LLoyd, Darrin and I brought you and Shelby a yellow balloon today. We also brought you a flag. The garden was absolutely amazing today. Never have I seen so many flags and flowers in one place. It was beautiful and bitter. There were so many people there. All in honor of our loved ones, and to honor all those who have served our country. I cried a lot, it was a very emotional day. I miss you Nicholas so freaking much, I miss my precious Shelby too. I miss being her Nana, and loving on her. Taking her places and feeding her ice-cream. There was so much we never got to do together. My heart has been so sad about what could have been. I see all your friends having babies and getting married and having a beautiful life together. And I look at pictures of the 3 of you and think....what was wrong with that picture, that beautiful brand new family??? For the life of me, I will never understand it. My heart is broken for jessie, she has lost so much. She misses you so much Nick, we are both sick over losing you and our Beautiful Butterfly!!!I am gonna try to get some rest son. I haven't been sleeping well the past week or so.I am busy writing and learning all about writing. It is a journey that only the Lord could take me on son. It will be magical and amazing when it's all said and done. I will sqeeze as much love, wisdom, and blessings out of it that I possibly can. I feel like I am doing what I was meant to, after all these years. Besides being your moma and Greg and Journey's, I KNOW I was born to get an important message out into the world, and it is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. I miss you Nicholas, I miss you always. I will write you later. "Sweet Dreams" my love, sweet dreams. I love you more ~moma~

I just wanted to tell you....

I LOVE YOU MORE ~moma~

Good morning Nick

Hi sweet boy! I love you Nick.
We are up getting ready for the Hillcrest Memorial Service today at noon. I invited a bunch of people, I hope to see a lot of friends and family there, as this is open for everyone to come and remember.
We had Zoe bug all night, Journey took care of her while Michael went to an all day concert. I just wanted to tell you that "I love you" and "I miss you" and that I will write you later. i miss you my boy...I love you more ~moma~
on 5-25-09

Hi sweet boy

Hi son,
I miss you baby, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I love you so so so very much Nick and I MISS you like crazy my love. I love you more ~moma~