I love you Nick

May 30, 2009
Good morning my sweet Nick,
I miss you like crazy son. It has been very hard for me this past week. A lot has been happening in and around our lives. I've been a little stressed, I have a lot on my plate. I haven't been sleeping well again! There is so much happening all at once. I am working through things son. I wish you were here to hug me. I wish I could hug you.
I STILL have not dreamed about you! I find that almost odd, because I used to dream a lot and I usually remember my dreams. It has been 7 months since you passed baby, and I do not remember ONE single dream about you or Shelby. I pray I will dream about you two and that they will be sweet. I know when Nana died I dreamdt amost immediately, and most were good. So, maybe God is protecting me from them until I can get some of the incident itself a little further from my memory. I dont know. I wish I could SEE YOU and I know when I dream I think it's real. I want to hug and kiss you so bad.
Your Dad and I are working on your plaque son, that has big my biggest hurdle this past week. It's been an emotional one.
G has been pretty quiet since you passed son. It concerned me just a little . But part of G's personality is on the quiet side. But he was holding a lot in, he shared and man am I greatful!!! J on the other hand has been verbal and able to cry and express anger and saddness. My focus is to help channel all that emotion and energy into healing. They miss you beyond belief. My heart is broken because theirs is. It seems like when I jump one hurdle 3 larger ones are waiting ahead. I just want all the pain, grief, saddness, anger, crying, and hurt to STOP and GO AWAY. However, we are still altogether. There has been some break throughs this week and now I believe we have a starting point to work with to help us support each other with where we are personally. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, losing both you and Shelby, then picking up the pieces of G&J hearts. That is all I can deal with right now,them, but so many of us are so broken. I can only focus on MY babies. And believe me, when your hear and see them cry at this age, you know it hurts badly. Please help us God, to make it. Please God give us strength, love, joy peace in our hearts. Heal G and J hearts and bring them to a place of happiness and joy. We miss you so much Nick, G&J loved you like....no-one else. They looked up to you and loved hanging out with you. You were their cool brother, you were fun, exciting, loving and funny. They could never ever get enough of you. They really miss you so terribly. I also have spoken with a few moma's who have lost children. They have found their ways into my life, so I know nothing comes into my life by coincidence. It is unbelievable son, how many mothers have lost children in this world, but there are so many right here in town, aside from Jess and I.
I miss you something fierce my son, I miss you, I miss you. I will write you later. I miss you. I love you more ~moma~