Hi my Nicky

Good morning my Beautiful Boy,
I got up about 9 had a coffee, then waited for Greg to get home from Travis's. We are going to lunch today, Panda Express. Then we went to Home Depot, Walmart then home. We picked up some engine cleaner and a few others things, Greg is working on getting your car on the street:) he loves that car and knows how much you loved it. He will take very good cre of it Nick!!! We need to order the front seats, you threw the original ones in the dumpster! They were shot. We will also order a new wind shield. Next we will Put it in the shop to pull the transmission and get it going strong again. It will be a beauty when done. I will send a pic!!!
Journey is here with 3 of her friends I just made the girls mac and cheese. Greg and I stopped at Mc Donalds for sundae's. They are gonna take a bike ride to the soccer park up Bombing Range.
I'm watching a Documentary on Burmese Pythons. It reminded me of you Son:) your love for snakes and all animals. I miss you bringing home some lost or sick dog, cat, bird, bunny etc:( you had such a big heart for the helpless little guys! I let you bring them home, and you would love them, feed them, clean them up and bring them back to health, then find them a home if you didn't talk us into keeping them first:) oh, how I miss your loving heart!!! You were a good person Nick, you were a beautiful soul, and it was my priveledge to love you and have you as " My Son". I miss you and everything about you babe:(
I will write later. I have work to do.
Oh, did I tell you I am going back o school?!!! Yea, I am. I will work during the day and go to school at night. I am excited. A change in life, a new start, new beginnings, and new dreams are about to come alive:) I know you are giving me your blessing and watching over moma. I feel you everywhere I go, everywhere!!!
I love you sweet son. I will write you later.
I miss you, I miss you so much!!!
I love you more ~ Moma~

Hi my sweet son Nick

Hi my Beautiful Boy:) I miss you baby...seems to be the song of my heart...always!!! I've gone to grief classes, I've read grief books, I've met with other grieving moms, I've written about my grief, I talked about my grief, I've cried and cried and cried, and felt like I've died over my grief, and yet I am still grieved!!! Doesn't it ever end Nick???
I miss you so bad son...........
I miss you.....

Nicholas my son,

Hi Nicholas,
I haven't been on line now for several days. I miss writing to you, but I was having a few rough days. I decided when that happens that I would work through them, then write you so all of what I think and feel isn't plastred for all the world to see! Sat. I went to your garden at 6 am, and I stayed there with you until 6 pm. I did not leave you once, I talked with you, cried to you, and waited for answers. I miss you so much that it nearly debilitated me, but I don't want it too! I realize I need to be able to love and long for you and miss you, as well as love and be here for Greg and Journey....mentally. It is so hard to do, it's easier to just crawl under a rock and stay there!!! Yeah I know... What a life huh? I can't live like that....running, hiding, being here but being absent!!! I just want my life back, at least the part where I was excited about life, welcoming each new day, and most importantly, to enjoy and be here for your brother and sister.... The way I used to be here, happy, greatful, funny, loving, patient. Give me back those things dear God!!! I want to let my love and light shine, once again. I had a great talk with you Nick. You told me that it's ok to not think of you 24/7, that to give all that time energy and attention to G&J, that you know how much I love you, and that I don have to feel bad thinking I have forgotten you or don't love you!!! Thank you Nick for speaking to my heart! Thank you Nick for telling Mary to call me! Thank you son for your blessing to move forward. Thank you son, for telling m I am not crazy, out of it, selfish, rude or bad. I heard you clear as day. Just love them Moma, they need you and deserve to be loved by you Moma!!! I cried and cried and cried!!! Not because I haven't been loving them, but because I realized I could have been loving them even more!!! Thank you for telling me that, and releasing me son. I have been doing a lot better at being here for them and loving them more, listening, sharing, giving...and just plan " Being" here for them, and it feels good:)
I love you sweet boy, I love you, I love you, I love you. I miss your heart as big as the ocean, and yet you are still loving me from where you are. I feel you with me, I hear your voice, and your hugs and I know you are watching over us. I will write you later my Beautiful Boy. Oh yea, the kids are out of school in about 3 weeks. I am planning a road trip... Yep to California. We will stay A little longer to visit more family and friends. We can do that since the kids will have all summer to play. Journey isn doing cheer this year, so it frees up here entire summer...ours too:) she misses it though! I'm gonna put her in a gymnastics class 2 days a week for the exercise. Anyway, I love you son, I miss you like crazy.
I love you more ~ Moma~