Nicholas my son,

Hi Nicholas,
I haven't been on line now for several days. I miss writing to you, but I was having a few rough days. I decided when that happens that I would work through them, then write you so all of what I think and feel isn't plastred for all the world to see! Sat. I went to your garden at 6 am, and I stayed there with you until 6 pm. I did not leave you once, I talked with you, cried to you, and waited for answers. I miss you so much that it nearly debilitated me, but I don't want it too! I realize I need to be able to love and long for you and miss you, as well as love and be here for Greg and Journey....mentally. It is so hard to do, it's easier to just crawl under a rock and stay there!!! Yeah I know... What a life huh? I can't live like that....running, hiding, being here but being absent!!! I just want my life back, at least the part where I was excited about life, welcoming each new day, and most importantly, to enjoy and be here for your brother and sister.... The way I used to be here, happy, greatful, funny, loving, patient. Give me back those things dear God!!! I want to let my love and light shine, once again. I had a great talk with you Nick. You told me that it's ok to not think of you 24/7, that to give all that time energy and attention to G&J, that you know how much I love you, and that I don have to feel bad thinking I have forgotten you or don't love you!!! Thank you Nick for speaking to my heart! Thank you Nick for telling Mary to call me! Thank you son for your blessing to move forward. Thank you son, for telling m I am not crazy, out of it, selfish, rude or bad. I heard you clear as day. Just love them Moma, they need you and deserve to be loved by you Moma!!! I cried and cried and cried!!! Not because I haven't been loving them, but because I realized I could have been loving them even more!!! Thank you for telling me that, and releasing me son. I have been doing a lot better at being here for them and loving them more, listening, sharing, giving...and just plan " Being" here for them, and it feels good:)
I love you sweet boy, I love you, I love you, I love you. I miss your heart as big as the ocean, and yet you are still loving me from where you are. I feel you with me, I hear your voice, and your hugs and I know you are watching over us. I will write you later my Beautiful Boy. Oh yea, the kids are out of school in about 3 weeks. I am planning a road trip... Yep to California. We will stay A little longer to visit more family and friends. We can do that since the kids will have all summer to play. Journey isn doing cheer this year, so it frees up here entire summer...ours too:) she misses it though! I'm gonna put her in a gymnastics class 2 days a week for the exercise. Anyway, I love you son, I miss you like crazy.
I love you more ~ Moma~