Nicholas, I love you more ~moma~

Hi Nicholas

I love you babe, I miss you.
I have had a lot of anxiety this month knowing your 26th birthday is coming up and ....and well, you won't be here. I am really having a hard time with it! My birthday was hard but God gave me peace that day and blessed me with a lot of friends coming over throughout the day. Lloyd invited them all without me knowing it was awesome. Lloyd and I also went for a bike ride on your Repsol too. I felt you close son, very close that day. God covered me with his mercy and grace I have no doubt. I pray he will extend that same mercy and grace on your birthday. I'm scared son, afraid because I have never had to celebrate your birthday without you.
Poeple say its gets easier to bare as time goes by and I have not experienced that yet. It is still too fresh I guess, because it hasn't been barable at all. I miss you more and more with each passing day. I can't stand it. I miss you so much Nick. You shouldn't be gone! I do still want you back, I do I always will. I love you so much my Nicky! I miss you my boy.
I love you more ~moma~

"Sweet Dreams"

Hi my Nick!!!
I love you my boy...
I miss you....
Journey has been wanting to decorate her room with leopard and zebra print, and it is coming together very nice. So, I thought of that SiberTooth White Tiger picture on wood that I gave you on like your 14th birthday..and you loved it. Well I told Journey tonite that I thought that picture would go great with her theme in her room. She liked that idea.:)
So, now Greg also is revamping his room. It's kewl though, he has always had very unique and amazing ideas for his room:) Lloyd's helping him. They work good together. Greg is surely growing up. It is beautiful and a pleasure to see that in him. It does provoke a lot of other thoughts and memories of you too. He is beautiful... and does portrait some of your qualities, habits and style. :) I am so very proud of him too.
I really do miss you more than words can even convey! I miss from the baby of my womb to the man and friend I had in my beautiful son, "Nick". I know that it really means...we won't be able to make 'new' memories with each other but...there are so many beautiful years of memories of you your love your life. Your life Nick was so unique. I'm your moma, I would know this:) Unique in many beautiful ways. You were a leader a go getter no fear man with a happy heart. You were a very happy baby too, Nick! and toddler, and boy and young man and man and Father and friend of mine...yes we were friends weren't we son?!
Wow, sometimes I feel like I "Am" writing a book or at the very least telling a story, a story of someone's life... Raw, Beautiful and Honest. (non-fiction).
I miss you son and if I could just write for 30 days I probably would write something worth reading. If it's supossed to be said to go forth with love, healing and worth, for the world and individual alike, than I would hope that God would bless it to do so.
I miss you and love you beyond measure Nicholas!
I will write you later my sweet boy.
Sweet Dreams~ I love you more ~moma~

Hi sweet boy

Hi my Nick...
I miss you in my life! I miss you so very much son.
Greg told me today that he observed a person today that reminded him of you! Then he said there are not too many people that can do that. it must have been her mannerism. I told him that is true, There isn't anyone I know that was like you...there never will be! You were ONE OF A KIND...for sure.
I miss everything about you kiddo...everything.
I will write you later my son, I miss you so much :(
I love you more ~moma~

Hi my sweet Nick

Hi son,
I miss you Nicholas James!!!
Moma and Greg brought you and Shelby Bear flowers today. I hate going out there babe it is so so unreal to me to be visiting you at the Cemetery!!! It just isn't right...it is such a fucking downer. No matter what kind of a mood I am in when I head there, I ALWAYS end up leaving so so so so SAD! I cannot accept that your resting place has come before mine...AND that it is premature by 50 years or more. I know I'm rambling son, but these are the thoughts in my head, these and a gazillion others!
I miss you so very much son. I never want to be without my kids and now....well here I am without you! I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I am so sad and angry that things turned out the way they did. I miss You, Shelby, and Jess as a family, a beautiful family!!! I miss you here, I miss you with us, I miss you with her, I miss you EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. I simply miss you and wish you were here son, god how I wish you were here.
I didn't dream about you last night Nick! I wonder if I will tonight. I miss your beautiful hazel eyes, I miss your contageous smile, and I miss your love that I FEEL when we hugged!! I miss your voice, your humor, your love, your life...you love for life. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
Sweet Dreams my sweet Nick, I love you more than words can say, I miss you more and more everyday. I will write you later my Nick, Nick!!!
I love you more ~moma~

Good Morning Nick

Hi sweet boy,
I love you and I miss you so much too. Just wanted to say hi this morning.
Jess came over last night and we talked for a couple hours bout the report. We talked about dreams too and ya know Nick...I have not dreamt of you since your death!! I think I am afraid and it may be too soon yet to dream about you. I would love to have a beautiful dream about you son. You smiling and being with me. Maybe you and me on your bike going really fast and having a blast. Or we could be at the beach swimming and jumping waves. Or we could be out yard selling. I just want to see your beautiful face son and KISS it. I love you son, I love and miss you like crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am gonna come right out of my skin when I think of you Nick, because all I want to do is hug and hold you. I wanna see your face! Will you come visit me in a dream and may it be BEAUTIFUL.
Give ShelbyPaige a big hug and three kisses from her Nana.
I will write you later my beautiful Nicholas James. I love you I love you more ~moma~

Hi Sweet Boy

Nicholas, I miss you babe!
I just wanted to say hi to you son, I miss you so much....
We did yard work today and cleaned house. Debbie and her kids came over to visit today after church, I haven't seen her for a bit. Jason came over a bit later. They live in Walla Walla now so they don't get over here much anymore. Caleb used to go to school with Greg at Lewis and Clark Elem. they are still friends:)
Jessie came over night before last for a bit. She is coming over tonite so we can look at your police report...suckie but gotta do it. Somethings not right!!! That's a whole other Ricky lake show Ugh!!
I looked outside this morning and saw your bike was looking rather dusty, so I had LLoyd pull it into the middle of the drive way where I could wash it to make it shine again. It looks so good now. i miss seeing you on it son, I miss everything about you. Things just aren't the same without you here my love. I miss you so much.
I will write you later Angel Boy. I love you Nick, I love you more ~moma~