Hi, Beautiful Boy

I miss you son, I love you.
It's the 23rd of Jan:(....15 months today Nicholas.
last night we took or tree down and caught everything packed away.
It is so hard to do all that knowing you aren't here. All the memories, but I am grateful I have the memories son, if I can't have you, I chose to be grateful for all the love, laughter, joy and fun we shared while you were here with me for 25 years!!!
i had a breakdown though last night. Someone said something that hurt my feelings, and i just got up in the middle of things and walked away to my bed room bathroom, and sobbed. It had to do with you and how I am finding comfort in the small things. I did tell the person how I felt and that they needed to think twice about "what" they speak to me, because I am still so very fragile.
Anyway, Nick, I do miss you still so very, very much:(
You are beautiful Nick. You were a Beautiful human being!!!
Greg and Journey helped me re-arrange the front room, it looks better. I am gonna hang pictures on the front room wall tomorrow.
We are just watching T.V. right now, and I am checking my emails, I'm behind.
Lloyd called us today, it was so good to hear from him.
Raider is getting so big, he reminds me of Roxy in a way, when she was younger, so clumsy, and her coloring too, only he is more blue in the face.
My reading for class is going good Nick, it is so hard to read because I am reading it because "YOU" MY BEAUTIFUL BOY died by suicide!!! I still cannot sometimes truly believe you are gone, let alone by that way:(
I will never understand!
I miss you sweet son, I miss you madly
i love you more ~moma~
I better get going son, and get some dinner sweet boy.

Hi sweet son,

i love you sweet son, I miss you.
Today Greg was still home sick but I took him in to take one of his Finals. He is at the tail end of his caught, Journey and I are fighting it with vitamin c, pro biotic, and hydration. I don't think we will get it as bad as he did, poor boy:(
Today we put away all the Christmas decorations, what a relief. Our home is looking more like a home and not a war zone:)
Journey has Cheer in the morning, I will go and watch her, they change things up so much, but always for the better. We leave for Bellvue on next Friday, we are bring Zoe and Rowan with us, we will be staying at Mels.
I thought of you so many times today. This morning because the sun was out, last night because it rained. But also, we were putting away all the Christmas things, you are so much a part of that, gone or not.
Then i went to the store with Greg about 10 pm and as soon as I walked in the door, but what did I find a beautiful small white feather, thank you son, I needed it so bad at that time. Also when I was moving my laundry from my room to the laundry room, there on the floor was a single penny. I felt it, as I id the feather, and I felt you were sending me a message of love and peace. Thank you son.
I am doing okay babe,
I miss you everyday and every hour of the day. I miss you more as time goes by!!!
I will write you later MY Beautiful Nick,
I love you more ~moma~

Good-Night Sweet Boy,

I can shed tears that he is gone, or I can smile because he has lived.

I can close my eyes and pray that he'll come back, or I can open my eyes and see all he's left.

My heart can be empty because I can't see him,
or I can be full of the love we shared.

I can turn my back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or I can be happy for tomorrow "because" of yesterday.

I can remember him only that he is gone,
or I can cherish his memory and let it live on.

I can cry and close my mind, be empty and turn my back.

Or I can do what he'd want: smile, open my eyes, love and go on."

The truth is dear son, I will do both for the rest of my life:

I am so very grateful for your very life and the 25 precious years you were here with me and all the good, happy loving memories we shared. I will CHERISH them forever~ therefore I shall SMILE, and live on.

I will never forget the day I knew you were gone, I will always miss you, long to hold you and want to see you as long as I live. I will never be the same, forever changed. I will never stop crying for you, for you are my SON~ even in death, you are MY SON Nick!!! My heart will always be empty where your presence and love filled it up.

I love you more ~moma~

Morning Son,

Good morning my love,
I love you baby, I miss you.
Well, I didn't get those emails out to Greg's teachers, so I need to get it done now.
I also have to get my homework done.
Just wanted to say "Hi" and "I love you"
I will write you later tonight sweet boy.
I miss you,
I love you Nicholas ~moma~

Hi Nicholas

Hi sweet boy, I love you , I miss you.
I had another good day today son, but I did have a few moments throughout the morning where I broke down, but i was able to recover without going into a full blown fit...praise God!!!
I still weep over you not being in my life everyday Nick. I don't believe there will ever be a day that I don't! At least not for now:( maybe the day will come when I don't weep everyday over you, but I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, MISS YOU and WISH YOU WERE HERE with moma.
I got some house work done finally, and made a great dinner last night...healthy meatloaf and brown rice. My friend Staci came over last night for a visit and then she dropped Journey off at Gym on her way home. I picked her up and we went by the store on the way home for a few things and came home. I was tired yesterday, so I went to sleep early again. I feel okay this morning...other than MISSING YOU SO MUCH!
Greg Is still home sick today, but if he isn't better tomorrow I am taking him to the Dr.'s
I better get going son, I need to email 3 of his teachers to work out a schedule for Greg to make up his Finals next week.
I love you my sweet Nicholas James Devine, I miss you more than you will ever know. God, how I wish you were here son:(
I will write you later
I miss you
I love you more ~moma~

Hi my Nicholas James,

I love you sweet boy, I miss you very much.
Greg was home sick today, so I've been trying to take good care of him. Journey went back to school though.
I have a bunch of reading to get caught up on from my class. So, I'm gonna get this note off to you, because I am gonna snuggle down in bed and do some reading and soul searching. I like my book, it has a lot of good information in it for me to gather and learn from. It is a well written book. I am glad your Dad is with me in the class, he needs it too.
Lloyd is still not home, we miss him a lot. He's been gone 2 weeks already. In a couple weeks we are going to Seattle to Journey's Cheer Comp.and Greg is coming with us. Melissa asked if we would bring up Zoe, and Rowan, so I think we might.
I am still recovering from Cali, as it is always bittersweet to go there and leave. We pass by Mt. Shasta every time. On the way down we saw it from Highway 5, and on the way back we went 97 to get home quicker, but it was covered by the fog, everything for a purpose, I know son!!!
We didn't home home quicker though, we lost time from the rain. But we got home safe and that's all that matters:)
I love you my sweet Nick, I miss you son.
I will write you later.
Thank you for my "feathers" and penny from Cali, Nick!!!
I love you more ~moma~

NICHOLAS

I miss you, my sweet boy,
We left Auntie Julie's at 3:45 am and got home at 4:00 pm today, wow what a drive!!!
Journey had Cheer and I had my 2ND grief class tonight. S, I ran in got a shower and cleaned up and ran out the door again. It has been a very very long day.
Our visit in California was amazing. It all hasn't even downloaded yet!!! You know what I'm talking about Nick. It was great, we had a good time.
I used the feather from Cali. for my book mark! It is in cellophane and fits perfect.
I felt you all around us and with us the whole trip and while at Auntie Julie's. It was awesome!!! Sis felt you there too, so did Joyce.
Momo, played guitar for the kids and me, it was awesome too. Joyce, bless her big heart cooked chicken fettuccine, and brown rice & broccoli for us too, it is always delicious, she is a wonderful cook. I am so very, very blessed to have her not only in my life, but to have her as my best friend for nearly 41 years!!!
I will write you in the am, I need to get some rest, I haven't slept much in the last 48 hours. But, Fri. & Sat night I slept great.
I love you so very much, and miss you every hour of every day son.

Morning Son

I love you sweet son,
Just wanted to say early son, beacause yesterday I didn't get on yesterday until after 5, cause the kids were on and everyone was on. It was okay but I am used to getting on first thing in the morning.
Joyce came over last night with her grand kids. We had a very nice time. I am going over there in a bit to bring her coffee then by to see momo.
Auntie Julie said said to say hi to you, and Boo said to say hi to you, I love and wats up?
We all miss you very very much son, we all do you so so very very very much.
I will write you a little later son.
I love love love you and miss you everyday son.
I was sitting out front of Auntie Julie's front yard and I all of the sudden heard her windchime singing. I knew "YOU" were saying :Good morning moma". Thank you son I am very aware you are here with us me all the time.
I love you,
I love you more sweeet son ~moma~