son

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Moma just wanted to say Happy "New" year son,

I took Greg to the dentist today and guess what....he got his braces off, so it is a Happy "New" year for him :) He is so excited about it. Well while I waiting for him I stepped out of the car to smoke and when I got back into my car, K-Love was on and there was a story about how paying it forward to others who have helped up, and she wanted to give a one time sponsorship to show her appreciation of all that the Lord has done for them and blessed them financially this year after much hardship. I have stuggled to keep the tears that have wanted to rise up that lie just beneath my heart beat. Missing you a lot today son. So, I got back into my car and fastened my seat belt, and when I looked down to the buckle there sitting on the lock of the seat belt latch was a penny just sitting there. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. I just smiled creid and thanked you for Nick. Thank you sweet boy for giving me the perfect sign that you are always with me, and when I am very down you seem to be able to lift my heart up to joy and comfort in an instant. I love that. Just by sending a penny just when I need to know you are with me and bringing me comfort at just the right time. You know I keep them all in a frog bank. The moment I realized which was early on, I decided I would collect them all and count them up at the end of the year so, I will do that now. There are 73 total. Wow, I don't remember exactly the day I realized you were sending them to me but I would guess it was in Nov. after we had your celebration of life. I bet if I looked back at some of my earlier posts I would find the first time I realzed you starting doing this.

Just wanted to share.

Well, we all tried to remember what we did this new years eve and none of us 4 could remember, we were all still in the "shock" bubble and on auto-pilot so it is no surprise at all. But again I bet if I looked back at some of the ealry posting I will find my the answer to that mystery too.

God has been doing a work in my heart son, you would be glad if you were able to. I know there are no tears or sorrow in heaven but I wonder if when good things happen you know!!! hummm, something to ponder.

I love you so much sweet boy, and I miss you a lot today.

I am sending a long a photo of our beautiful snow covered willow out front. It is so beautiful when covered with know.

I love you son

My Beautiful Nick

Christmas 2007, Moma and Nicholas

Hi sweet son,

I have missed you A LOT today...

I still cry EVERYDAY over losing you. I cry everyday even when I tell myself I'm not gonna cry today, or I'm gonna keep focused on so much today and busy that time will go by quicker. Then it will be evening and I can stay busy with dinner, the kids, chores!!! But no, it doesn't work that way, and time still goes by so slowly, and time doesn't take away the pain. And time doesn't heal any wound...but Jesus can! Time is just that...time.

It seems that the longest I can go without being filled with "great sorrow" over losing you and not having you in my life, is 2 days. It has only been just a little more than a year, I need to believe that it will get different. Easier? I don't think so, different...yea! After 2 days I become greatly overwhelmed, extremely sad, lonely for you, and terribly burdened from losing you. Then I break down all over again. I don't know how much a body can take with this kind of stress and grief. I don't know how much a mind can handle all the horrible thoughts, good and bad memories, feeling of dieing because my son is dead. I really do not! I guess I'm about to find out though, and I guess I've been living it now for 14 months...unbelievable. My body hurts and aches sometimes so bad from the grief ( it's hard work to grieve) I have to take, muscle relaxers, a hot tub and get a message in order to release the tension and stress that gets built up. I am trying to pay attention to my body throughout the day, and notice when I am tense, so I can relax. I realize now, I have had to tell myself relax over 20 times a day!!! That is pathetic. But I am doing it, because I think it will help at the end of the day. I pray to God it does.

I realize too, that I am learning to live with the fact that I am Never gonna get over this. Because you know what son, I trick myself into thinking I will one day, and I try to tell myself I'm not gonna grieve over you today!!! Can you believe I do that?! Like I can control the natural grieving process at all, let alone that of losing my child.

What I do have control over is what I choose to dwell on. I will always think about you, dream of you, wish for you, miss you, want you and cry over losing you, but I can also think about all the good times ( and there were WAY more good times than not so good, beautiful and great memories with you and of you). 25 AMAZING years. You did fill my heart, soul and LIFE with so much Joy and Love Nick, that I know it will be those (2) gifts that you gave to moma, that will ultimately see me THROUGH this horrible night mare. And I can look at pictures of you and videos, it is so Bittersweet. I enjoy them, but find myself wanting you even more than before I got started watching or looking through them. In videos I get to see you "LIVE" and hear your voice and watch your personality unfold before me. Pictures, sometimes comforting and sometimes they bring me to tears. One pictures holds a thousand memories...literally. With each photo of you it is a moment in time captured on paper. But for me it is a lifetime of love in my heart, because I lived that picture. They tell a story of the entire reason for wanting the picture in the first place. Oh my Nick, you stole my heart son from the very moment I saw you. You are so beautiful. I am so thankful for every single photo that I have of you. With each one I can relive that moment or weekend of camping, or graduation, or birthday party, or first hair cut or Christmas. That is the well that I will draw from, the love and memories of your love and life I hold forever, "within" me. I love you, and I thank you for making my life more beautiful and joyful Nicholas James Devine.

Oh my beautiful Nicholas...son I miss you....

I just miss you so much and it cannot be explained.

It's getting to be evening again. In the beginning I didn't sleep for days at a time, and so when I did finally fall out I was exhausted and mindless. NUMB. In the first few months Every night and Every morning was the same...DEVASTATINGLY PAINFUL. After about 6 months, my meds would make me sleep, half numb and exhausted from grieving, I would finally lay down. Then the mornings came. The moment I knew I had woken, I began to cry, with my whole body, from deep within. Gut wrenching sobs, tears of my beautiful son, who was gone!!! I think I was in shock Nick for nearly 11 months. Meaning I could not STILL at that time REALLY believe, you were really gone. Even though I saw felt your motionless body, and saw your face so still and kissed you good-bye for now, my mind would not accept your mortality. It simply rejected that one thought immediately. And it still tries to sneak in there. Today I believe it did that so I too (as I know you died of a broken heart) would not die of a broken heart. It is still so hard day and night, but my nights are harder, something about the sun setting and you not in my life is more piercing than the calm sound of Mornings. I am now reminded that Greg and Journey await me and are here and they need me, love me, want me. So I get up and I put on music, drink something and kiss your picture as I am saying "I love you son, I miss you Nicholas. Then I tell Jesus I love him. I do say my prayers again, and I pray specific ones for G, J & L and my pos/sos groups, my family and friends. Then, It is all up in the air from there. My day now belongs to God. It feels good to talk to God again and not be angry with Him. It feels good to pray, be still and wait for Him to love on me and feel it. He has never stopped loving me or loving on me, but I can say I haven't always felt it because of my pain and anger.

I was so angry with God in the beginning, I didn't pray and I didn't rely on Him for strength. I know it was the prayers of many that gave me the strength and will to get up one more day and live...live without you. Now that I have some strength and hope of going on, I can pray for myself, my family and others again. I loved praying and reading His word Nick, you know that. I was so hurt and so angry that I couldn't even talk to God. I was mad at Him, you, me, your Dad and many others. Today, I have just asked God for forgiveness and to forgive. It's better this way, I can try and recreate our lives, I say recreate because I am not the same person, we are not the same family as we were before you died. Forever changed is true, but It can't stop there, I must rediscover, recreate, rebuild, redesign the canvas of my heart, the tapestry of our very lives. It is different, so it will feel, sound and look different too. Wonder what it's gonna look like a year from now son. Only God knows that. But I do know this, today I can be willing to heal, willing to try again, to be happy and dare to give life a chance.

I miss you son, there is no doubt about that. I will always feel this part of me, my heart (you) is missing, because you died physically, and therefore I will miss you being here with me. But there is also that part of my heart (you) that has been "with" me from the moment I knew I was gonna have you, that still and always will be "with" me. Forever you are in my heart... I just miss seeing you everyday, talking to you, loving you "Oh", loving you! Hearing your laugh, feeling your hugs, and having fun with you are all my favorite things about you. Besides your beautiful heart, sense of humor, wit, gorgeous eyes that made me always love and forgive you, your smile that melted my heart and soften me, your love for animals and your compassionate heart for another human being. Nick, I don't think I have met another human being with more compassion and passion, than YOU. Not yet and if I do, they better be prepared to be sized up and with you. I honestly do not know if we get to love, know or meet very many people like you Nick in a life time, that LOVE as much, as deep and as complete as you did. I am forever grateful that I loved you, knew you and yes met you. Not only did I get to meet you, but God thought "I" would be the best moma for you, so He made you mine! Now that is bittersweet, more sweet than bitter. Thank you Lord for giving me Nick for the time that you did. I do appreciate it. I was and always will be HONORED to be Nicholas James Devine's MOMA~

Well, as you can see my son, I have missed you, missed writing you, missed you & missed you. I need to say sweet dreams and I love you son. So, "Sweet Dreams" and " I love you" son. I miss you so much handsome Nick. I love you my Nick, Nick always and forever.

I love you more ~moma~

Good Morning Son

Just for today I will forgive the people who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.They truly did not know how.

Hi my beautiful Nick,

I miss you baby, I love you.

There is so much snow on the ground:) It's so pretty. I think It's gonna snow for awhile, It makes for scary driving though.

Well, Lloyd will be going to Texas for 4-6 weeks to work on a crane there for Ron, then he will return stay 2 weeks then go to Kaywajalin islands for 2 months. It is good, because he isn't going to the dam this season, they waited too long, now it's closed for winter. I don't like it when he's away like that, but honestly, I have gotten used to it. He leaves Sun night.

Journey is working hard preparing for her first competition in Florida, they will also go to Disney World, she is gonna love that. I took them to Disney Land with Uncle "D" remember, they were 8&9 old enough to remember, but now she gets to see Disney World at 14. Wow!!! I'm so excited for her.

I better get going son. I have lots to do today. Greg just got home, he spent the night at a friends. Journey is at her friends and will be home soon too.

I love you so much sweet boy, I miss you unimaginably so.

I love you more ~moma~

Sweet boy

I love you son, I miss you so much my angel boy.

I love you more ~moma~

Sweet son,

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared

Good morning my sweet son, I miss you and I love you so much. There are some things that are changing for me, revelations I am having through my rough spots, and through reading books on suicide, they are all good changes...but so very painful. They are profound in their meaning and purpose and necessary to walk through this path hourly, that I have been thrust onto.
I have started the last 2 days out with Praise and Worship music, it also has been helpful and sets my mind in a different place. I start my class (sos) in Jan and know it too will be an amazing piece of recovery for healing, and much needed.
I will write less about my "Crazies" here, as I have decided to journal them personally and privately on paper. I am gonna start focusing mainly on my recovery and healing daily as I write you, for I believe it is healthier for me, and a good place to start.
I will still write you everyday, as this is my place of solace and peace, where I come to meet with you in my heart and share it with you. I will always share my heart with you my beautiful Nick, and write you because it has been my way of dealing with things that hurt or bother me my whole life through, why would I stop now?! It has been my therapy.
I miss you so very much, and though my resources for healing, IE: POS support group, reading books written on suicide, my class SOS starting up, and writing to you is helpful and it is getting better to cope with and deal with your death, my pain seems to be deeper!!! I know you may not understand that, neither do I, I just know that the way I am seeing your death and the aftermath of your suicide is changing in a way that is good. I can't say it is getting easier yet, but I can say I am willing to heal.
I have my special time set aside daily for "YOU" and then I will focus on Greg, Journey, Lloyd and myself throughout the rest of the day. I am doing more with them in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. I have been "present" mentally, emotionally, physically for them and it feels so good. It has been so difficult to explain, understand, and live with your death. It is so complicated and painful, most don't and won't ever understand my feelings and thoughts, and the behavior I have, and it is okay. I am not alone, for that I am grateful, but we (SOS & POS) are in a very unique class. One I wouldn't wish upon the person I dislike the most in the world. It is almost more than one's own soul can bare. One day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time, I will walk this path, and as the road bends and turns so will I, for If I don't I will crash, burn and die.
This is what I know for today. When the road bends so must I.
That I love you more than ever before. That my pain of losing you is deeper than ever before. That my love for you is stonger than the sting of your death. That I am not alone. That I don't have to have others understand me, that helping others understand suicide and those who attempt and complete it is more important. And, that my hope IS IN THE LORD...that I will see you again someday in heaven.
I love you more than it is possible to describe. I love you deeper than I knew it was possible. I know that my hurt is so deep because my love for you is so deep!!! So, I respect my pain today where I never could before, I respect it because I understand it better, my hurt comes from a place of LOVE not shame, guilt, anger or even death itself, but from love. To hurt so deeply, is to love so deeply. Though my pain is so great, I will never regret loving you as I did...completely, unconditionally, deeply, and forever!!!
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I miss you way up to the sky and back. I love to the end of the world, and there is no end.
I love you more ~moma~

You came to see me again

Good early morning son 4:47 am Christmas morning
Hi My beautiful Son,
I went to sleep before 10 pm, which was great,but guess what You, Shelby and Jess came to see me in my dreams again, you came take a Christmas picture for me. Llody said I started talking in sleep. you had a happy, beautiful face. I woke up at 2 am, and I sad yoou looked so handsome son, and you had Shelby, she had a happy pretty face & beautiful smile. I told Lloyd that I would send you a picture when I got them developed....I have no idea how I'm gonna work that out but I'm sure God will help me. I am just so excited and greatful that you came to see me the night before Christmas and you had Shelby with you and Jess was there too. It was awesome. Thank you son. You are at such peace, I cannot ask for more. I will do my best at getting you a picture okay.
I am so very best son tha you came to me and brought Shelby with you. I am beyond blessed this Christmas morning. You were all so happy, and together again, it was beautiful. It was as if you never left us.
Merry Christmas son, Merry Chrismas ShelbyPaige.
I will write you later today my Beautiful Boy. Thank you for the "Dream Visit" on Christmas morning, what a joy, what a blessing and the best gift I could have ever received this chritmas:)
I love you more sweet son. I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Good morning my beautiful son,

Wow!!! The surprising blanket of snow on the ground this morning is beautiful, my my, what a beautiful display! Something only God can do. The snow is falling at a calm but steady pace. Greg and Journey are still nestled in bed. I get up early and let the dogs out, but today I didn't let them out til 9, so I don't know when it started snowing, but it sure is pretty. Tell God Thank you, we love the snow, it always reminds me of you though!!! I have several beautiful memories of you, Greg & Journey in the snow, you all love it so much. I like to watch it fall, and I love the way it looks outside too, it's so pretty. I remember taking the 3 wheelers, sleds and dogs out to many a side roads with you kids and having a great ole' time :) I remember seeing the surprised looks on your faces when you would wake up in the morning and find that it had snowed, I couldn't help you guy's find your snow boots, hats and gloves fast enough, so you could get out the door:) You guy's would slide in it, make snow balls and build snowman, what great memories:) I love thinking about those times. So, I think I'll hold that thought and those memories close for right now, and go get the dishes done.

I Love you...I Miss you son.

I will always love and miss you son.

I love you more ~moma~

Nick,

Hi sweet boy,
Journey and I had a great time together. We went to the mall, and went to several stores, Vanity, Clair's, Old Navy...we picked out clothes she tried things on, and got a few cute things. She looked at wallets but decided the one she has is fine for now and opted to get more clothes. It was fun and then we went to B&N and got a Frappacinno, your Dad gave her and Greg $15.00 gift cards for Christmas, that was very sweet of your Dad. Thanks Mike:)
After we went shopping and hung out for a couple hours, I took her to the Bethel Church parking lot and let her drive around for a bit then I let her drive around in the neighborhood for a while. She did a great job, she will start D.E. in March, so we'll be taking her out driving a lot more the next couple of months.
I am so glad we went out today, she is beautiful.
Greg and Lloyd spent most the day together too, they worked on the car and went to Pamela's and helped get her car going again.
We are doing Lego's again tonight :) it has been good hanging out together doing "normal" things. It feels awkward, but right and it feels good to be in the moment with G&J and Lloyd.
Just wanted to share with you Nick, that we had a good day.
I miss you and love you so much son.
Sweet Dreams, sweet son, I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you son

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive the people
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would have done it.

Just for today I will honour my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to smile,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

I love you

The way I choose to see you today in my mind, happy, having fun and free.

I love you son, and wanted to say good morning.

Today I am going to the mall with Journey girl. Greg and LLoyd are gonna work on the CRX's.

I miss you madly and will write you later.

I love you more ~moma~

I love you Nicholas

I'm gonna tell you "Sweet Dreams" now baby. I am gonna spend the rest of the evening playing Lego's with Greg, Journey and Dad.
I miss you, hugs and 3 kisses.
I love you more ~moma~

To my Beautiful moma, with love, hugs and 3 kisses, love

I'm writing this from heaven where I dwell with God above. Where there's no more tears or sadness, there's just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and he said "I welcome you. Its good to have you back again. You were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on."

Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do. And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you. And I will be beside you every day and week and year. And when you're sad, I'm standing there to wipe away the fear. And when you lie in bed at night the days' chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, because you're only human, it's bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain. Remember, there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.

It's always God's philosophy and I'd like it for you too, that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help someone who is in sorrow or in pain, then you can say to God at night, My day was not in vain. And now I am content that my life was worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made someone smile. So if you meet someone who is down and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go. When you are walking down the street and you've got me on your mind, I'm walking in your footsteps only a half a step behind. And when you feel that gentle breeze or the wind upon your face, that's me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace. And when it's time for you to go from that body to be free, remember you're not going, you're coming here to me. And I will always love you from that land way up above. We'll be in touch again soon. P.S. God sends His love.

Son

I'll never let you go...never never never never never never...ever. I miss you

Well, Chritsmas day is over and I am glad, it was a most difficult day for me. I can't stand being without you...it kills me everyday..sometimes I don't want to live without you. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed! Like I said, I do it for Greg and Journey period. Otherwise I think I would lay in bed all day and sleep my life away, or join you, or just lay there til I died. My heart is so broken and hurt so bad day after day being without you. Time makes it worse, the more time that goes by the more my heart seems to ache for you.
It was a very rough day, a day I wish I could have skipped knowing I would wake to not find you in it, in my life, in out home, in my presence.
I don't have anything else to say except...I miss you unbelieveably!!! I can't hardly stand to be awake, to go on and to pretend that I am okay without you...cause I Am Not. My heart seems to break a little more with every passing day, will it ever end? I don't think so.
I miss you so much my Beautiful Nick.
I love you more ~moma~

I love You more son...~moma~

Beautiful Christmas Son

I Love you so much sweet Nick, I miss you so badly today.....
I love you more ~moma~

We, Lloyd, Greg, and Journey Rose have dedicated a Christmas ornament in your name son. You are Beautiful. All my undying love for you son, always and forever in my heart , on my mind, and in my dreams forever. Tell Jesus Happy Birthday. I love you. I miss you so very much my precious beautiful son Nicholas James Devine.
I love you more ~moma~ In the Honor and Admiration of My Beautiful Nicholas James Devine ~moma~

For you my special Beloved missed son. I miss you so much. I love you more ~moma~

I love you sweet son

I miss you so much right now it hurts so deep and so bad there are NO words!!! Merry Chritmas eve son.
I love you more~moma

I miss you....

★MERRY CHRISTMAS ANGEL NICK★


---------- ★
---------- **
--------- *o*
-------- *♥*o*
------- ***o***
------ *o**♥*o*
----- **♥**o**o**
---- *o**♥***♥*o*
--- ****♥*o**o****
--**♥**o*****o**♥**
-****♥**o*****♥**o***
*♥***o***♥**o***o***♥*
-----____!_!____

MY Beautiful Nick,

Sweet son,

I had a better day today...court was a huge victory!!! Praise God.

I miss you sweet Nick, so very very very much....I can't believe one can miss another person, loved one as much as I miss you!!! It has been 14 long agonizing, tormented, painful. heart wrenching, aching, tear filled, emotional, neurotic, grief stricken months!!! Those are just words to people who have never lost a child...let alone one to suicide.

I love you Nicholas James Devine. I miss you so much my sweet boy.

I will write you later,

I love you more ~moma~

Good morning my Beautiful Son

Hi sweet boy,

I love you...I miss you terribly. The past 3 day's I have struggled with missing you something awful.

I just wanted to tell you good morning and that I love you before I have to leave this morning.. I will write you later today when I get back home. Pray for moma, rough day today, rough night last night.

I love you more ~moma~

Hello my Beautiful Nick

I love you more ~moma~

Sweet Dreams sweet boy,

I love you sweet son, I miss you so much. Sweet Dreams my sweet angel boy.
I love you more and more and more everyday.
i love you more ~moma~

Resting in God's sweet peace and there is no more struggle, safe in Jesus's arms. Now perfect and whole, you are complete, Amen.
I love you more ~moma~

From one moma to another...she knows!

Hello Tina --

Yes, you have an awfully heavy burden right now. Especially with all your anniversaries and holidays. That first year is the hardest, but that doesn't mean that the pain ever goes away. I'm sure you know that already, though. Do you feel any sense of your grief easing yet? I remember when I started to feel not so sad all the time, and then I felt guilty about not grieving so much. Even now I take a certain amount of comfort in my grief. I wouldn't want to ever have it not hurt, at least a little.

My mother said that when my baby died she felt a double pain. One for the loss of the grandchild, but even more so because she saw how deeply it hurt her child to lose a child. You feel the depth of both of those sorrows PLUS losing Nick.

My faith tells me you will see Nick again and it will be a happy reunion. And I don't know Nick at all, but I can see how much you love him and know that he must feel the same way for you. I'm sure he would want you to be happy again and to know that he is at peace. Your loss is compounded because he died by his own hand, but I just know that he's not suffering anymore and that his soul is calm and peaceful. If he could reach out and hug you, he would. And he would say "Mom, it's okay. I love you." Even so, I know it's hard — especially for a mother. God gives us these very deep and strong feelings for our children and when one of them is torn from us it makes the ache hurt all that much more. I can see from you already that you're a strong woman and full of faith, but I know that what you're feeling is deep and real. It's just a long road and there's no shortcuts on it. My heart goes out to you.

Much love, Shelly

Nicholas James Devine

Thank you baby for coming to see moma in my dreams last night!!!

Oh my goodness...you were soooooo "HAPPY", praise GOD. I could see PEACE in your eyes, I FELT it coming from your body, and you are whole, healthy and complete:) My heart rejoices today for the very FIRST time since your sunset day. I feel more at peace in MY heart and soul today about your leaving this world than ever before. Even though I always believed and will always believe you are with Jesus and I will see you again, your visit last night at dulled the pain that you felt when you lived on earth...for whatever reasons you were angry sad or mad...you aren't anymore!!! Thank you Jesus for giving me the dream and the peace "your" peace, that supersedes and surpasses all understanding! I needed to see your face so badly, and now I have. I also knew you weren't going to stay with me in my dream, that you came to me to "SHOW" me, so I could "SEE" and "FEEL" that you" ARE" in and at peace!!!!

Nonetheless, I am still sad you aren't here with me, the peace I received will always be with me now. So when I get down I can always Thank GOD for that "Dream Visit" and the PEACE I saw in your eyes on your face, and felt coming from you. It was a gift, a beautiful Christmas gift from father God. I will try to focus on your love too...the love that you got and gave while here with moma, instead of the pain and hurt you once knew. No more struggles, no more pain, no more tears, no more anger, no more hurt, no more broken heart and soul. Now, you know pure joy, pure love, perfect love, and your heart is whole, like never before sweet son. Thank you Jesus, thank you.
My dream...Nick In my dream, It was like I was waiting for you to come and see me. I will try to explain even though you already know. I was standing there waiting for you to come around the corner. I can compare the wait to that when you haven't seen someone you love in a very long time and you are in an airport...and your waiting for that person to come out of the boarding dock!!! I was waiting there in this place I don't know where I was, but I knew I was about to see you, then you turned the corner and there you were. Your face was happy, healthy, soft, loving. You had the biggest smile for moma, so loving and pleasant, and pure. Your eyes fixed on mine and you just kept smiling and looking at me. You knew I was waiting for you too, and you couldn't wait to see me:)
I know there are people out there that have said or will say it was selfish of you to do what you did, but they didn't know you, and they certainly didn't walk in your shoes. So for those who JUDGE just know this, Suicide, killing ones self is not the "easy way out", "painless", "selfish" or even "courageous"!!! The mind is sick and doesn't feel good, or think right, and it doesn't want to hurt anymore from not feeling good. Just as the body doesn't feel good or act right when it is sick, and we don't want to hurt anymore, and people die. Do we dare judge them in their sickness or for their sickness or think, oh how selfish of that person?!!! Weather they want to die because they don't feel good, kill themselves, or eventually succumb to some sort of illness we all want the same thing, to be out of pain. No, we wouldn't treat most people that way. We would have empathy, sympathy, and love for the "SURVIVORS", the family, friends and loved ones, for the one who actually goes on to be with God, For those of you who will read this and have judged, thought or spoken of my Nicholas or anyone else for that matter who has taken their life...it is not your place to judge, you are not God, you have NO RIGHT, and you are ignorant!!! What we as survivors need is love hope and prayer. No matter the age, race, or gender of the person who takes their life, it is not that they were selfish and didn't want to live...It IS they only wanted to pain, the hurt, the anguish to STOP. May God bless you who have judged, gossiped or talked ill fated of those who took their lives and said that person had no appreciation for LIFE or the VALUE of LIFE, because you really don't have a clue. That is not the case, the truth or the thinking that does on in their minds when that became what they thought to be the only way to stop hurting. Nicholas no longer lives a miserable existence, praise the Lord. There is plenty of misery to go around the world...that's for sure, and I'm glad Nick no longer has to or ever will feel miserable again...ever!!!
Nicholas, you my BEAUTIFUL SON had more compassion at your tender age of 25 than I now know most people (full grown adults in their 40's, 50's, 60's ). What the people in the world need is "THE SAVIOR" JESUS CHRIST, not a gazillion ignorant, controlling self- appointed little gods trying to dictate and manipulate others. May they "those who judge, those who think they have the right or power to condemn others, the little gods, the self-centered, NEVER know my pain" or nick's for that matter,(the pain of losing a child), especially to suicide or an innocent baby. I will pray for you who HAVE or ever WILL judge Nicholas for his fatal action on that "unimaginable painful" early morning of Oct 23rd, 2008. Bless your soul baby:( !!!
I don't have to say R.I.P. for I will always know and believe YOU ARE "IN" PEACE, YOU ARE "AT" PEACE, YOU "ARE" PEACE!!!
For you are for all Eternity...forever peaceful, Amen.
I miss you so very much though... because I loved you so very much, and you were my son, and you were my life, my heart my everything for 25 years. I will always miss you and wish you were still here with moma, Lloyd , Greg and Journey, because you were a lovely human being and the most beautiful son to me. I love you....always
I love you more ~moma~

Good Night Nick, Nick

"You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could every stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you."

Good Night Nick, Nick

Zoe's 6th B-Day party at Red Robin's..it was a great party and lots of love and fun. Rowan, Journey, Moma and Zoe Bug 12-18-09. We missed you son

I love you sweet son, I love you more ~moma~

Nicky

I miss you my sweet, sweet Nicholas James Devine, I miss you......... I found another feather the tiniest one yet I swear and another penny last night.

I love you Nicholas I love you Nicholas

[Photo]
Gentle were your eyes

Beautiful was your smile

Sweet was your touch

Delightful was your heart

Loving was your nature

Gentle was your soul

Lovely was your spirit

Forever will be your memory

All my undying love for you forever son ~moma~

Sweet Dreams son,

I love you sweet Nicky, I will always love and miss you. Pleasant dreams my love...i miss you
I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas,

Good morning my bright and beautiful shinning star Nicholas James Devine!

I love you baby and miss you.

I am gonna try and get out all Christmas cards today and not get distracted by other things. Nikki made up some cute cards for us, so now I have eveything I need to get them out, just need to focus.

I slept 8 hours last night and I have been sleeping better the past couple weeks with the exception of a few rough nights.

I love you and miss you soooo much babe. I wish you were here...

I will write you later, hugs, kisses and all my love for you son.

I love you more ~moma~

I love you more ~moma~

To Our Beautiful Nicholas James, with big tight hugs, warm kisses and more love than you will ever know. I love you more ~moma~ We miss and love you big brother, Greg & Journey Rose

Good night sweet Nick

FLAGS AT YOUR GAREDN SON, AND I LOVE YOU ROSE FJUST FOR YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU SWEET BOY...I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU MORE ~MOMA~

Nicholas Sweet Nicholas

Responsibility:

I have a responsibility to those I love...
to be loving, patient, considerate, and kind;
to be loyal, respectful, and honest;
to be appreciative, encouraging, and comforting
to share myself and care for myself

To be the best possible " Me"

BUT.....

I am not responsible for them...
not for their achievements, successes, or triumphs;
not for their joy, gratification, or fulfillment;
not for their defeats, failures, or disappointments;
not for their thoughts, choices, or mistakes,
and not for their suicide.

** For had I been responsible, this death would not have occurred **

~ Author Unknown

Good night sweet son

I love you sweet boy, sweet dreams. I will write you later. I miss you, I love you more ~moma~

Good morning Nick, Nick

Hi my sweet boy, I love you.
I just took a video of our tree. We have an animated Christmas bear with a cute little Stocking cap on that tells the story of Ol'e Saint Nicholas. It is so cute. I have to turn up the volume on the camera though and redo it, because I can barely hear the story.
Tonight we will take our pictures by the tree and You, Shelby, Nana and Uncle Greg will all under our Christmas Tree :) I will take a picture of it and send it to you, okay! Sad you are all in heaven and not here with us though, it is very bittersweet!!!
I miss you so much Nicholas.
It has been snowing for 2 days now. It is icy and dangerous for driving right now. There was a 2 hour delay for school because the roads are bad, especially in the morning. There may not be school tomorrow, there is supossed to be freezing rain. Remind you, buses are big, but they don't have seat bealts!!! We'll see how things look in the morning.
I will write you later son.

You and "Your" precious "Butterfly~ The National Candle Lighting Ceremomy for Parents who have lost a child ~

I love you more ~moma~

Good night sweet boy

Your Candle lighting ceremony was Amazing and Beautiful. We all set together, Moma, Lloyd, Greg, Journey, Jess your Dad, Jess, and a friend. Pastor Marty was there and shared a beautiful message of hope love and peace. It was good to see her. Remember her, she is from Cathedral of Joy. There were a few hundred people there. It was beautiful and we are so glad we went. Greg and I went and lit a candle in your garden and hung a few more ornaments, your tree is so pretty. Moma bought you a single pink and white rose and layed it on your headstone. I love you sweet boy and miss you so very much.
I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~

I miss you Nick

Hi sweet boy,
Tonight is the "National Candle Lighting" ceremony for those who have lost a child. We will all be there to light a candle in your honor. Tonight, together we will remember and honor, Nicholas James Devine and ShelbyPaige Nyra Devine.

I light a candle almost daily for you, one has been lit since I woke this morning, and will burn for 24 hours. I miss you so much my sweet Nick.
We got out our home video's of the family. You were so ALIVE, beautiful, happy! One we watched was Christmas 07, we were all excited that you and Jess were pregnant. I love you and miss you so much. My heart was racing watching the video's, but I couldn't stop myself from watching even though it was with unbarable pain and tears streaming down my face. I just watched you, your every move, listened to your voice, saw your smile, looked into your eyes!!! Greg and Journey were so cute too. Your Dad was over that Christmas, as we always invited him and Uncle "D" too. Those were such happy times, good memories and days filled with love, laughter and gratitude.
I am learning how not to take one breath for granted. We all say we don't but we all do it. Through your death, I am TRULY learning how to LIVE EACH MOMENT, with gratefulness, gentleness and tender love.
I miss you sooooo much. I will write you when I get back from tonight's ceremony.
I love you more ~moma~

I know Jesus was with you son the night you creid out...He was there.

Son, when you went to heaven I had this verse put on your "celabration of life" handout. I think of it often to help bring me comfort.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord heard them; he delivers then from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in soirit.

I love you sweet boy and miss you so much. Sweet Dreams sweet My Beautiful Boy, I love you more ~moma~

Our driveway sweet son...O how I miss you....I love you more ~moma~

It is 9 pm now, this was taken earlier about 3, there's a little more now:)

My Heavenly Christmas:

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular! Please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up
here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away,
we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me dear ones.
You know I hold you dear
and be glad I'm spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
So, have a Joyous Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Nick!!!!!!

It's snowing ever so slightly right now!:)

I love you more ~moma~

Sweet Dreams son,

Nicholas sweet boy,

Today has been a day from hell, busy, stressed, and very long. But you did send to find a very small, white, baby feather today. I was sweeping the laundry room floor and there it was laying on the floor. Thank you son. Then earlier today when I went to pick up Greg and Journey from school I found a penny on the ground...wow two gifts in one day from you.:)

I miss you sweet son and wish I could hug you right now, I sure could use it. I will write you later and explain my day. I am so beat and need to go to sleep. I have to work really hard to get Christmas cards out tomorrow, I have been so busy with everything and everybody. I miss you terribly Nick, Nick.

I love you more ~moma~

Missing you Nick,

Good morning sweet boy...
I love you more ~Moma~

I miss you sweet son:( If I let you go son, will you come see me in my dreams??? I want to kiss you and hug you son!!! I will hold you close always and deep in my heart but let you go to be at peace...for you and me!
I want you so badly son!!! The ache in my heart and soul is crushing- it feels like I am suffocating- just to breath in and out is something I have to tell myself to do when I have an attack. I go from, ok to angry to sad to down to pissed off to depressed to devastating to a fit of violent rage to ok to a screaming outburst to numb to hurt to disbelief to unthinkable pain to a panic attack to being completely still.These are just words, what I "FEEL" can never be expressed!!! The turbulence my body experiences is indefinable....really. I swear I do not know how we Moma's and Daddy's get through this!!!! I do KNOW your mind, your head, your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your boby was so wounded!!! I know son, I know, and I am so sorry baby that you ever felt 1 flipping ounce of that pain, it just should not be. If I had the power to save you, heal you, take it all away, make all the bad thoughts, hurt and pain disappear, I would have in a moment, I would have given my life for you to be alive and well sweet boy, so you could have a longer more perfect beautiful life, here with your brother and sister, Jess, and everyone. I don't, didn't, and never will have that kind of power, and that is part of the turbulence in my life is I am, was and always will be powerless over certain things in my life!!!
Then I have moments of you, your life, your love, your smile, your touch, your hugs, your laughter, your voice, your humor, your beautiful spirit, then I smile because... I am reminded that not only did I know, but I was blessed beyond imagining to have LOVED (for 25 yrs) one of the most Beautiful, Compassionate, Smart, Loving, Creative, Giving, Caring, Kind, Funny, Passionate, Gentle souls that ever lived. And God chose me to be "YOUR" moma Nick and He chose "YOU" to be my beautiful Boy...my honor, my pleasure, my blessing. I miss you beyond description!!! I just kiss and hug your big picture, and sometimes I hold my hands close and tight to my chest, because you are in my heart and there I can hug you too:( You are still here in my heart...forever!!!!
I miss you so much baby, my Nick, my Love, my Son....I miss you.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~

Sweet Dreams Sweet Son. I love you more ~moma~

I love you sweet boy, I love you more ~moma~

My Gifts to Me on Christmas Mourning,

My gift to me is to acknowledge that the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event.

My gift to me is to acknowledge my wish list: to put up a tree-if I wish; to send cards-if I wish; to have our traditional Christmas-if I wish; to go on a holiday-if I wish.

My gift to me is to admit that I won't always have to celebrate the holidays this way, but for the time being, this is how I must cope.

My gift to me is to be aware that the sights, sounds, smells and music of the holiday season may bring "grief bursts". This is OK. This is my tribute to my Beloved son.

My gift to me is to take care of me and allow myself to have some "time-out" and indulge in an emotional and spiritual retreat.

My gift to me is to remember something special about My sweet boy Nicholas James Devine, and share that memory with others who support me.

My gift to me is to disallow others to force me into doing things I don't want to do; I will not let them "should" on me.

My gift to me is to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten my beautiful Nick.

My gift to me is to not numb myself with excessive eating, drinking, or drugs, or harm myself or others, if an emotional crisis occurs; I will turn to those who love and support me.

My gift to me is to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.

This is my gift to me on Christmas Mourning....

Nicholas,

We miss you so much sweet son. Merry Christmas son, we love you so very much.

Lloyd, moma, Greg, Journey, Onyx, Bobbi, Rubin, Roxy, and Sam.

I love you more ~moma~

Journey made you a candy cane tree, she was so happy with her work ~moma~

Journey Girl decorating your tree Nick, love you babe ~moma~

Your little brother hanging tinsil on your tree Nick!!!

I miss you sweet boy,

Your tree is beautiful.

I love you more ~moma~

Your beautiful tree in your garden decorated for christmas ~love you~

Nicholas James

Greg and Journey decorating your tree son ~love you~

Good morning sweet son,

I love you...I miss you.
Today I am getting Christmas cards ready to be sent out. I have met a few really neat mom's and dad's through my on line support group that I will be sending out cards to this year. Last year I was still numb and in very deep grief to even think about Christmas, let alone others during this time. This year I am committed to having a beautiful Christmas for us, and thinking of other mom's and dad's that are in my boat too:)In our group we share our love of our children who have gone on, our aches and pains, our hurt, and everything in between. We speak and understand one another. I am so GREATFUL for this group and that I found it. It has helped a lot and the people are so beautiful. We vent, cry, share, and listen to each others HEARTS. We share our lives, we talk about past and current thoughts, feelings etc. We talk about our living children and what we are doing in our lives each day to help them and ourselves move forward. To live as healthy as we can, now that we have buried one of our beautiful children. how do we live, how do we carry on, how do we reach out to help others, and whats helps when we are having a horribly rough day!
We got the tree up last night, but not decorated, we will do that tonight. We have so much, we will be donating to goodwill this year. It is so hard to look at all the personal ornaments, the ones with your pictures on them, the ones you made, and the ones I bought just for you to put on our tree over the years:( We will get through it- TOGETHER:)
Greg and Journey and I had a great time decorating your garden and your tree yesterday, it is so cute. I am sending you a pic now. Next year, I WILL BE DECORATING IT... with all blue bulbs and silver tensil. So, for those of you out there who decorated Nick's tree this year, thank you it is so beautiful. Next year I will be decorating with Greg & Journey and LLoyd. Thank you so much for your love and for thinking of Nick this year by making his tree look so beautiful. Many christmas blessings to you:)
I put a snow globe in your garden and Shelby's, and went by there this morning and it had exploded due to the freezing weather. Oops!!! Guess that wasn't a good idea, oh well. Your cute little reindeer ornament that i hung from your tree is very cute and it is made of a hard plastic so it won't shatter, so I'm glad about that:)
I miss you my beautiful son, I miss you so much. It was very hard to watch your brother and sister decorate your garden and tree, but they did it with such passion. They wanted to it, and it brought them a certain level of comfort and love from you, i saw it in their faces and eyes, I could hear it in their voice's, it was a very healthy thing to do.
The past couple of weeks I have been hearing your voice telling me to not be sad and to not cry everyday all the time for you, because you are safe, happy and free. Thank you Nick, I really need to hear that from you. You lil brat...you still haven't come visited me in my dreams!!! But I know you will when the time is right. I know you are happy, but come see moma anyway, okay?! Most importantly though is that you speak to me and I hear YOUR voice talking to me, I love that Nick. it is so clear and real. Thank you sweet boy.
I will write you later honey. You are loved and missed beyond measure.
I love you more ~moma~

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
my son's voice I did hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around but he did not appear.
He said, you've got to listen, you've got to understand,
God didn't take me from you,
He only took my hand.
When I cried out in pain that day,
the instant that I died he reached
down and took my hand,
and pulled me to his side.
He pulled me up and saved me,
from the misery and pain.
I was so badly wounded I could never be the same.
My search is really over,
I've found happiness within,
all answers to my empty dreams,
and all I might have been.
I love you all and miss you,
so please don't keep asking why?
My body's gone, gone forever,
but my spirit will never die!
So live until we meet again,
and please try to understand,
God didn't take me from you,
He only took my hand.

~Amen~

My Beautiful Nicholas James,
I miss you so very much son,
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
Young, they left our homes
in a moment, long or quick,
they were gone.
Dewdrops turned into teardrops,
the shining sea too small
to hold our grief.
"Give us our children back," we pled
as we noticed their plateless places
at the table.
Regret made a river through our days,
tempering laughter,
pervading sudden silences.
Bodies they had through us, with us
bodies housing minds and souls
no longer.
The holiday season's return
makes throb now the wounds
we felt at their parting,
wounds which may heal
in time, we hope,
into strength
but not yet, in this season
of snowflakes that sting and cookies
that somehow taste of vinegar.
"If only," goes our carol.
If only they could return to us
but no.
If only
we could speak with them
but no.
If only we could love them
so intensely that they could
feel our presence right now
but yes, yes to this one,
a thousand yesses--
they can.
How can they not feel our love,
being core in core with us,
heart in heart?
We give love this season to them and
to each other as plundered parents
and wounded healers.
With love flowing, something in our lives
a magnificent, mysterious Something
guides us like a star.

Wounded Holidays
By Alan Harris

Nicholas James

Two Hearts beating as one...yours and mine...I love you more

Hi sweet boy,

I picked up G&J after school and we went shopping for a couple hours together, it was nice to get out and it was good dinging around with the kids for awhile. we stopped by to say Hi, but we will come visit tomorrow after school to bring you gifts and LOVE for Christmas, okay!

I love you sweet boy, I miss you madly right now....every moma whose lost a child knows what MADLY means, others do not understand!!! I'm not alone...but I am, YOU WERE MINE!!! I love you baby, I love you so much sweet Nick, Nick.

Lloyd and Greg got all our Christmas decorations from the garage tonight and brought them in the house...here we go again...without you another Christmas! I can't believe it STILL!!!!

Stuff is everywhere, it is a Merry Mess, huh!! Made myself laugh for a sec.

Journey had cheer tonight, so I took her. I stayed for an hour and watched her, I'm so glad I did and so very proud of her accomplishments. She works SO freakin hard, oh my goodness Nick, I know you know!!! She is amazing and all the girls are doing better. But she's "THE BEST" honest:) So then Journey got home and we went through Christmas things, had dinner, checked out the lights etc. We will decorate tree tomorrow, together...ALL of us and you and Shelby! I cannot even IMAGINE how beautiful it is in heaven!!! I think about that a lot since your heaven birthday!!! I know you are happy, safe and free. I know you are loved, I miss you though. I still want you back Nick!!!

I have to get some rest I didn't have much last night, God knows!!!

I will write you later my sweet Nicholas James.

Sweet Dreams, I love you.....

I love you more ~moma~

I Love you Nick, Nick..my Angel boy forever I love you more ~moma~