Sweet son,

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared

Good morning my sweet son, I miss you and I love you so much. There are some things that are changing for me, revelations I am having through my rough spots, and through reading books on suicide, they are all good changes...but so very painful. They are profound in their meaning and purpose and necessary to walk through this path hourly, that I have been thrust onto.
I have started the last 2 days out with Praise and Worship music, it also has been helpful and sets my mind in a different place. I start my class (sos) in Jan and know it too will be an amazing piece of recovery for healing, and much needed.
I will write less about my "Crazies" here, as I have decided to journal them personally and privately on paper. I am gonna start focusing mainly on my recovery and healing daily as I write you, for I believe it is healthier for me, and a good place to start.
I will still write you everyday, as this is my place of solace and peace, where I come to meet with you in my heart and share it with you. I will always share my heart with you my beautiful Nick, and write you because it has been my way of dealing with things that hurt or bother me my whole life through, why would I stop now?! It has been my therapy.
I miss you so very much, and though my resources for healing, IE: POS support group, reading books written on suicide, my class SOS starting up, and writing to you is helpful and it is getting better to cope with and deal with your death, my pain seems to be deeper!!! I know you may not understand that, neither do I, I just know that the way I am seeing your death and the aftermath of your suicide is changing in a way that is good. I can't say it is getting easier yet, but I can say I am willing to heal.
I have my special time set aside daily for "YOU" and then I will focus on Greg, Journey, Lloyd and myself throughout the rest of the day. I am doing more with them in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. I have been "present" mentally, emotionally, physically for them and it feels so good. It has been so difficult to explain, understand, and live with your death. It is so complicated and painful, most don't and won't ever understand my feelings and thoughts, and the behavior I have, and it is okay. I am not alone, for that I am grateful, but we (SOS & POS) are in a very unique class. One I wouldn't wish upon the person I dislike the most in the world. It is almost more than one's own soul can bare. One day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time, I will walk this path, and as the road bends and turns so will I, for If I don't I will crash, burn and die.
This is what I know for today. When the road bends so must I.
That I love you more than ever before. That my pain of losing you is deeper than ever before. That my love for you is stonger than the sting of your death. That I am not alone. That I don't have to have others understand me, that helping others understand suicide and those who attempt and complete it is more important. And, that my hope IS IN THE LORD...that I will see you again someday in heaven.
I love you more than it is possible to describe. I love you deeper than I knew it was possible. I know that my hurt is so deep because my love for you is so deep!!! So, I respect my pain today where I never could before, I respect it because I understand it better, my hurt comes from a place of LOVE not shame, guilt, anger or even death itself, but from love. To hurt so deeply, is to love so deeply. Though my pain is so great, I will never regret loving you as I did...completely, unconditionally, deeply, and forever!!!
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I miss you way up to the sky and back. I love to the end of the world, and there is no end.
I love you more ~moma~