I love you babe!!!!

Hi sweet boy,
Thinking about your Dad today because it is his 55th Birthday, and how I know he is thinking of you!!! I know he is struggling a bit with you not showing up with a hug,a gift of some sort, (you always gave the best and most thoughtful gifts to us, your family, or baking him a Birthday cake!!! I feel bad for him:( I don't know what to say. I did call him this morning and wish him a blessed day. I don't know what else he has planned if anything. He called me on my birthday too, it was sweet. Monica also called me on my birthday:) Jess didn't though, I haven't talked with her since before Christmas!!! I called and told her that we have gifts for her to come over and she never did. We haven't heard from her since. After you died, some of the parts and hearts of others did too. but thats no reason to ignore loved ones, if they really are loved ones!!!
I am determined Nick to NOT allow this GREAT pain and HEARTACHE define who I am or who you were or ARE to me. You will ALWAYS BE MY SON!!!!!! ALWAYS! And I am working hard on healing my heart. I know, I know....it will be a life long journey, but it is posssible to laugh and love again and not live miserably for the rest of my life!!! How would that ever honor you??? Or, your LIFE, your BEAUTIFUL LIFE??? It wouldn't. So, I am just missing you and wanting to share my heart and thoughts with you son, and this IS a safe place to do it...this is MY world, MY place, MY reality, MY place to vent and share WHATEVER is on and in MY heart regardless of ignorant, mindless, careless, hurtful and insensitive people.
Staci said to me last night, " Life is tough, but people are tougher"!!!! I have just been pondering that for the past 24 hours. I am not sure why it struck me as it did, but I will know soon enough. Bless and Release when it comes to Stupid Unkind people, bless and release so I don't carry a ball and chain with me. Peace
i am going to church again in the morning. It was awesome to be in church last week. Pray for me US son that we will heal, survive and THRIVE in our lives, as we miss you so and are so forever changed because our beloved SON and BROTHER is no longer in our presence. I love you my Nicholas James, I love you so very much. I miss you STILL, incomprhensably!!!
I know the retreat I am going to at the end of the month will help me know and figure out some things with all this!!!
I also know getting back into our HOME will be healthy, good, and wonderful. Lloyd coming home to be with us after being gone for 3 months, will be the icing on the cake.
I will write you soon. I love you MY handsome,
I love you more ~moma~

Q- viewed: This was one of this weeks questioned asked from our POS group. Just sharing. One of the worse days of my life. The question was "What was your son/daughter wearing when they were viewed or before burial or cremation"?
Fri Apr 9, 2010 10:06 am (PDT)


I viewed Nicholas at the morgue. Because of the extent and graphic wounds on his neck, Nick was covered up with a white blanket to the bottom of his chin. There was a part of me that wanted to pull that blanket down and look at him, but the other part of me just wanted to remember his beautiful face and hair, so i didn't. I also asked if they would please put one of his arms out so I could hold and kiss his hand, they did. I always loved his hands too. They had done a complete autopsy on him. I am grateful his face was not badly bruised or injured so he looked.....well it was Nick!!! So I got to touch him, kiss him, stroke his hair and hug on him. I was the first to visit with him for about a half hour, before his father and girl friend came in to see him, then other family came about an hour later. I requested that time alone with him as his moma. It was respected. I clipped some of his hair, and spent some private time with him also after everyone
else left the room. I wanted to pick him up off that table and take him home with me right then and there. My sister grabbed me and pulled me back from him, as I think she could sense what I was about to do. Man, am I glad now that she did!!! I didn't want to leave him there...I didn't want to ever leave him. I freaked the hell out as I left and wanted to go back in and get him. As I turned to go back, his Dad, my sister and my best friend had to hold me back!!! it was awful. Nick had nothing on, but his Beautiful face!!!
I know you said this was a fairly easy Question, but for me, it was very hard to answer. With tears in my eyes and shaking as I write this, that was one of the memories that enters into my mind often still. I will never forget kissing and holding his hand, and kissing him one last time on his forehead, cheeks,nose, eyes, chin and lips. I kissed you all over your beautiful face, I didn't miss a spot!!!! Bittersweet memory ~T~

Good morning Handsome

Hi sweet boy,
I love you son, I miss you always.
I wanted to share something with you. I belong to an on-line group call POS. It's for parents of suicide. Well each year they have 2 retreats in Tennessee, where many of the members get together and spend 5 days sharing about their children who have passed, play, relax, and probably eat lots of great food. Well guess what? Yep, I'm going!!! I booked my flight yesterday. I leave on the 29th and will return on May 3rd. There is a place provided there at the resort for those who want to stay there instead of a motel. I am choosing to stay there. Guess what the name of the room I am staying in is called??? It's called The Butterfly Dorm" Whoa, yea, can you believe it. I just about lost it when I heard the name. It is not a coincident that's for sure!!! I will tell you all about my experience when I get back okay? But we will be talking before then.
Journey starts Drivers Ed.today. She said when I took her to get her permit on my birthday that she thought of you Nick and wished you were here, so she could come pick you up and go driving, she was a bit sad about that. So we went and got an ice cream instead. She misses you terribly still, we all do.
i better get going, I have a lot to do today and I have a touch of the flu, probably all the stress of everything, but I am ok.
I love you sweet boy, I miss you terribly...always missing you. I still think you should be here, and don't understand why. i guess as your moma I will always feel that way.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~

I love you Nick Nick

I have had a rather quiet day, but good. I miss you sweet son, and just wanted to tell you I love you. Sweet dreams son I will write you later. Gonna go to bed now, I have a long day tomorrow. I miss you Nicholas. I miss you so much. Greg bought you a really cool solor light for your garden and we are gonna go there tomorrow.
I love you more ~MOMA~

Hi Son,

I just came to get my big bear hug from you today and my Birthday kiss from you!!! I love your smile, I miss feeling your hair, and I miss hearing you laugh. But for today, I will receive your hugs and kisses, okay?! I miss you baby, I love you more ~moma~

Hi Nick Nick

Nicholas,
I miss you babe and knowing tomorrow is my birthday has been weighing on my mind heavily!!! I will miss you being here so very much.
Well, I picked the kids up at school today added Greg to our Ins. and now he will be driving them both to school from now on...way kewl.
I miss you,
I love you,
I want you,
I need you.
I adore you,
I admire you,
I long for you.
I kiss you,
I hug you,
I embrace,
Our last embrace!
You are my boy,
You are my son?
You are my sunshine,
For evermore.
I love you more ~moma~
P.S. Thank you for all the penny's you have been sending me daily for a week straight. How about a Beautiful Feather son, I need one right about now!!! Also, we brought you a beautiful wind chime, and cleared off your stone from the things of the past, and we bought you a beautiful cherub boy which we felt was more appropriate for our son/brother. He is so beautiful, just like you. He is holding (of all things) a beautiful yellow Flutterby!!! Yellow my favorite color. It was perfect, when I saw it I knew it was meant to be at your garden. He looks so peaceful there and so very cute.
I love you Nicholas. I will write you later. Much love, hugs and kisses forever...love ~moma~