I love you babe!!!!

Hi sweet boy,
Thinking about your Dad today because it is his 55th Birthday, and how I know he is thinking of you!!! I know he is struggling a bit with you not showing up with a hug,a gift of some sort, (you always gave the best and most thoughtful gifts to us, your family, or baking him a Birthday cake!!! I feel bad for him:( I don't know what to say. I did call him this morning and wish him a blessed day. I don't know what else he has planned if anything. He called me on my birthday too, it was sweet. Monica also called me on my birthday:) Jess didn't though, I haven't talked with her since before Christmas!!! I called and told her that we have gifts for her to come over and she never did. We haven't heard from her since. After you died, some of the parts and hearts of others did too. but thats no reason to ignore loved ones, if they really are loved ones!!!
I am determined Nick to NOT allow this GREAT pain and HEARTACHE define who I am or who you were or ARE to me. You will ALWAYS BE MY SON!!!!!! ALWAYS! And I am working hard on healing my heart. I know, I know....it will be a life long journey, but it is posssible to laugh and love again and not live miserably for the rest of my life!!! How would that ever honor you??? Or, your LIFE, your BEAUTIFUL LIFE??? It wouldn't. So, I am just missing you and wanting to share my heart and thoughts with you son, and this IS a safe place to do it...this is MY world, MY place, MY reality, MY place to vent and share WHATEVER is on and in MY heart regardless of ignorant, mindless, careless, hurtful and insensitive people.
Staci said to me last night, " Life is tough, but people are tougher"!!!! I have just been pondering that for the past 24 hours. I am not sure why it struck me as it did, but I will know soon enough. Bless and Release when it comes to Stupid Unkind people, bless and release so I don't carry a ball and chain with me. Peace
i am going to church again in the morning. It was awesome to be in church last week. Pray for me US son that we will heal, survive and THRIVE in our lives, as we miss you so and are so forever changed because our beloved SON and BROTHER is no longer in our presence. I love you my Nicholas James, I love you so very much. I miss you STILL, incomprhensably!!!
I know the retreat I am going to at the end of the month will help me know and figure out some things with all this!!!
I also know getting back into our HOME will be healthy, good, and wonderful. Lloyd coming home to be with us after being gone for 3 months, will be the icing on the cake.
I will write you soon. I love you MY handsome,
I love you more ~moma~