Saturday, October 24, 2009
Nicholas James
Moma and Jess went to Beck's house the night of the 22nd, neither of us could sleep. We stayed over there and visited til it was light outside. We all love and miss you son, so very much, more than you'll ever know!!!
Morning son
Good morning son,
Well it is the day after your party and we all had the most wonderful time sharing all our memories of you,your love and beautiful life. Everyone was amazing. I was so blessed by their presence. The stories and memories we shared of you Nick kept us laughing and crying...so bittersweet. But there was so much love, so much love.
I wrote you yesterday and I still don't see my post I hope they post it soon. All your pictures and special things are still out this morning, we are enjoying them.
I went to coffee with Norma and Jeri this morning. We went to Henry's and had breakfast and talked for a couple hours, it was a great visit. I love those girls, good people son.
I will download some pics and send them to you okay. I love you baby, I miss you everyday and I know I always will. You are a light in my life, one of 3 the other 2 are Greg and Journey. Though you may not be here with us son, your light still shines bright in my heart, our home and our lives. I love you sweet boy,
I love you more ~moma~
Well it is the day after your party and we all had the most wonderful time sharing all our memories of you,your love and beautiful life. Everyone was amazing. I was so blessed by their presence. The stories and memories we shared of you Nick kept us laughing and crying...so bittersweet. But there was so much love, so much love.
I wrote you yesterday and I still don't see my post I hope they post it soon. All your pictures and special things are still out this morning, we are enjoying them.
I went to coffee with Norma and Jeri this morning. We went to Henry's and had breakfast and talked for a couple hours, it was a great visit. I love those girls, good people son.
I will download some pics and send them to you okay. I love you baby, I miss you everyday and I know I always will. You are a light in my life, one of 3 the other 2 are Greg and Journey. Though you may not be here with us son, your light still shines bright in my heart, our home and our lives. I love you sweet boy,
I love you more ~moma~
Friday, October 23, 2009
My Sweet Nicholas James Devine
October 23, 2009Hi sweet Son Nicholas James,
My son I love you and miss you.
I cannot believe it is "one year" today since you passed away. :(
I tried to imagine this day...how I would feel, what I would think, where would I be with all this, and I couldn't! But here we are and now I know why I couldn't even imagine it, because it is too painful and too frustrating!!!
It's raining outside today...what a blessing!!! You and God both know how much I truly LOVE the rain. But there was no sun rise this morning here. It is raining, cloudy, a bit windy, and the sky is gray. The leaves are falling all over the ground and it look so beautiful outside right now. So, my friend Jo is in San Diego Ca., and I told her yesterday please take a picture of the Ca.Sunrise for me on the 23rd. She left to go down there Wed. So at 7:23 she sends me this beautiful Ca. sunrise. What a blessing that was. I got my "Son" rise this morning afterall.God is so gentle, loving and gracious to me and He is having mercy on my soul, especially today. I feel and know His presence, very strongly, in and all around me today.It's been one year since you passed away son,even though the 8th of Oct. was the last day I saw you, hugged you kissed you and felt you hug me back, today was the day I heard you were...gone! That day was so hard/soft and bitter/sweet.I think I am numb. It's ok though, I do feel love so I know I'm alive, and He abounds here in my presence. I know I will weep all day, but for right now,I'm gonna let Him love on me. Today has already been interesting, it actually started yesterday morning and again at your garden last nigh. First I want to say that God is all over this day with me,loving, blessing, giving to me. Second, I was up all night with God.How could I sleep??? I went to your garden yesterday, and I have already been there this morning too. I took your brother and sister to school and then I will pick then up at 2:30 and we are going to take you a beautiful bouquet of flowers together and Lloyd is getting off work early too and going. They went with me yesterday and I met another moma there who's baby died 5 years ago, her name is Shelly. We talked for about 5 minutes, she told me she plays the harp every year there in the Sunset Memorial Garden's for the "Worldwide Candle lighting/NATIONAL Childrens Memorial Day Serivce." It is for any moma or Daddy that has lost a child of any age. We exchanged names and emails, and by the time we got back home she had already sent me the information on this years event Dec. 14th. and friended me on face book. Wow!!! I was blown away. She was there visiting her boy. She has 3 other children, 18, 15, and 12 I think. She noticed your portrait on my back and asked if that was "you" (my son) and I said yes. She loved it. She's prolly my age or so, very easy to have conversation with and friendly. We both had tears in our eyes and new we had something very special in common, and our hearts new one another immediately. I haven't felt that way wih another woman of my age...since you been gone.I don't know what to think of all this right now, but I receive it. There was an entry on your guest book from a girl you went to Jr. high with at Carmichael. I ended up finding her in your year book, and she is coming to your celebaration today, rain or shine. She shared one of the most beautiful letters about "YOU" with me that I cried all the way through it. God is just blessing my socks off, what else can I say.I didn't rest yet so I am gonna go do that for a couple hours. Then I will make my brownies and cookies for your party. I have put out some of the cards you got me and I got you over the years, and other encouraging and love cards notes and letters from family and friends for different times in my life and I have a bunch of your pictures all up and around the house. The only thing I don't have is flowers but I want Greg and Journey to help pick them out:)I have my "I love you more" book out, poems you wrote and I wrote and memories from your friends and family, and it is all a comfort and blessing for me. I counted up the penny's I got for one year and there were 33:)
Joanette, spoke a blessing out loud to me on the phone, and Deanne (Jonathon) from Hawaii ministered to me through the email. Your Aunt Kim told me last night when we talked earlier in the evening that I need to watch the mail...again, that she was sending something for Journey and I. She said " I hope you guy's get it today" I do too. What a blessing thatwas.
Jess and I spent from 1 am to almost 6 am together this morning. We couldn't sleep and we will never forget!!! So we went to visit Becky for a couple hours it was an awesome visit. I love you and miss you so much Nicholas not only does it hurt, but I can't even really describe the forever longing I KNOW I have had and will always have in my heart since you went to heaven.I have all my candles lit today, and I am gonna bless Journey and Greg with a balloon and flower from moma today while they are in school. I KNOW they are so thinking about you, me, them, us, this day!!! There hasn't been a day that has gone by, that I haven't missed you!!! Today and tonight son I will we all will celebrate "your life" AND LOVE.I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU. I will write you later son.I don't want to stop writing you........................Crying, some of the tears are blessings some are sadness, but Gods got my back, just as you do.I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
Thursday, October 22, 2009
October 22, 2009
Hi Kat,
What is your last name.
First I want to say thank you for sharing your memories with me about Nick. You blessed my heart beyond measure.We are having a celebration for Nick Friday the 23rd for friends and close family memories I would love to see you here and give you a hug, and meet you and your baby.Its from 5:30 til midnight. I also have an ad coming out in the tricity herald for Nick pick up a copy it will bless you it comes out in Fridays paper the 23rd tomorrow. You can find me on face book under Tina Pielstick, or email me at youarelovedone@yahoo.com, okay. If you go to the legacy guest book from contracostatimes they will not charge you to add a picture if you have one of Nick. The tricity herald charges $2.95 to add one. I purchased the contracosta times one for one year from Nov-08 to Nov-09 so pics are free.I miss my Nicholas beyond human language. I miss his love, his laugh, his humor, his compassion, his beautiful hazel eyes, his curl hair, his voice and most of all his EVERYDAY presence in my life.I hope you can come if not please look me up, okay. You made my day bless you. Tina (aka) Nick's moma forever.
Hi Kat,
What is your last name.
First I want to say thank you for sharing your memories with me about Nick. You blessed my heart beyond measure.We are having a celebration for Nick Friday the 23rd for friends and close family memories I would love to see you here and give you a hug, and meet you and your baby.Its from 5:30 til midnight. I also have an ad coming out in the tricity herald for Nick pick up a copy it will bless you it comes out in Fridays paper the 23rd tomorrow. You can find me on face book under Tina Pielstick, or email me at youarelovedone@yahoo.com, okay. If you go to the legacy guest book from contracostatimes they will not charge you to add a picture if you have one of Nick. The tricity herald charges $2.95 to add one. I purchased the contracosta times one for one year from Nov-08 to Nov-09 so pics are free.I miss my Nicholas beyond human language. I miss his love, his laugh, his humor, his compassion, his beautiful hazel eyes, his curl hair, his voice and most of all his EVERYDAY presence in my life.I hope you can come if not please look me up, okay. You made my day bless you. Tina (aka) Nick's moma forever.
October 21, 2009
Tina- this entry is for you.
I first met Nick when we were at Carmichael together. He subsequently dated all of my friends, I think :) While I'd never say he and I were real close, our paths always seemed to cross throughout the years and every time I saw him again he'd act as though I'd seen him every day and we never missed a beat. He was full of energy. Every time that I talked to him he had so much enthusiasm for whatever the topic was, and that was one of the things that made it so much fun to see him. I read some of the other entries and I got a kick out of how many people commented on his social skills. I decided to write to you now because Nick has crossed my mind a lot lately for some reason, and I didn't realize how close to one year it was. I remember being happy for Nick when I heard he had a daughter, and I was shocked and very sad for him when I heard she had passed unexpectedly. I work in emergency services and with Hospice so I really thought I had a good understanding of what he'd be going through, and just that killed me. Now, almost a year later, I have a nearly 5 month old son and now I know that I wasn't even close to relating to Nick. Or you. My son is my life... I don't think I'd cope if I lost him, and I have so much empathy and respect for you, Tina. I hope you know that so many people have fond memories of the fun, happy Nick. When I was 21 I dated a friend of his that had a motorcycle and I wanted to learn how to ride them myself but I was nervous... Nick was hilarious about it. He was so excited that I wanted to learn about something he enjoyed so much. They also took me on the scariest ride of my life flying down Clodfelter Road, it was my first time ever as a passenger on a motorcycle and the two of the scared the bejeezus out of me. At one point I know I had tears streaming down my face, certain we were all going to wreck... and I looked over and saw Nick sitting crazy all up on the gas tank of his bike and flying past. When we got back to town he was wild-eyed, and as scared as I had been, his excitement was so contagious. They taught me how to ride the bike for myself and I had my own bike for years after that and I always thought of Nick on that day and his enthusiasm. He made it fun. My thoughts and prayers will be especially be with you over the next few days, I hope you find comfort in knowing all the lives that Nick affected, and that his story affects to this day. Keep in mind that good can come of this. Nick was a very friendly, relatable man that people remembered, and his story can be told to open the lines of communication and understanding for families that previously avoided discussing "taboo", yet very serious, subjects such as suicide and any mental disorders. It is way more common than people understand and it can affect anyone. He had a lot of fun in his life and he made his short time count. I believe that young people can relate to him and learn from all of this, and from you. I know that I have. Kat
~
Kat,
Richland, Washington
Tina- this entry is for you.
I first met Nick when we were at Carmichael together. He subsequently dated all of my friends, I think :) While I'd never say he and I were real close, our paths always seemed to cross throughout the years and every time I saw him again he'd act as though I'd seen him every day and we never missed a beat. He was full of energy. Every time that I talked to him he had so much enthusiasm for whatever the topic was, and that was one of the things that made it so much fun to see him. I read some of the other entries and I got a kick out of how many people commented on his social skills. I decided to write to you now because Nick has crossed my mind a lot lately for some reason, and I didn't realize how close to one year it was. I remember being happy for Nick when I heard he had a daughter, and I was shocked and very sad for him when I heard she had passed unexpectedly. I work in emergency services and with Hospice so I really thought I had a good understanding of what he'd be going through, and just that killed me. Now, almost a year later, I have a nearly 5 month old son and now I know that I wasn't even close to relating to Nick. Or you. My son is my life... I don't think I'd cope if I lost him, and I have so much empathy and respect for you, Tina. I hope you know that so many people have fond memories of the fun, happy Nick. When I was 21 I dated a friend of his that had a motorcycle and I wanted to learn how to ride them myself but I was nervous... Nick was hilarious about it. He was so excited that I wanted to learn about something he enjoyed so much. They also took me on the scariest ride of my life flying down Clodfelter Road, it was my first time ever as a passenger on a motorcycle and the two of the scared the bejeezus out of me. At one point I know I had tears streaming down my face, certain we were all going to wreck... and I looked over and saw Nick sitting crazy all up on the gas tank of his bike and flying past. When we got back to town he was wild-eyed, and as scared as I had been, his excitement was so contagious. They taught me how to ride the bike for myself and I had my own bike for years after that and I always thought of Nick on that day and his enthusiasm. He made it fun. My thoughts and prayers will be especially be with you over the next few days, I hope you find comfort in knowing all the lives that Nick affected, and that his story affects to this day. Keep in mind that good can come of this. Nick was a very friendly, relatable man that people remembered, and his story can be told to open the lines of communication and understanding for families that previously avoided discussing "taboo", yet very serious, subjects such as suicide and any mental disorders. It is way more common than people understand and it can affect anyone. He had a lot of fun in his life and he made his short time count. I believe that young people can relate to him and learn from all of this, and from you. I know that I have. Kat
~
Kat,
Richland, Washington
Nicholas
Nick & Sissy playing guitar hero, early last Oct. She misses you so much Nick, and when she remembers you she always remembers and talks about your time spent together playing guitar hero.
ShelbyPaige
Nana's precious Angel ShelbyPaige. I miss you sweet angel girl, give your Daddy a big hug for me and 3 kisses, because your Daddy always said before he kissed you "one" was not enough so he always kissed you 3 times. love Nana 
Nicholas
Here is moma, Jess to the left & Nick to the right. We were at the Fair watching Greg and Journey on a ride it was Aug.23rd 2007. I love you more nick ~moma~
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Good morning son
Hi Nicholas James,
I love you baby, and I miss you.
I decided to put an ad in the herald for you, will come out on the 23rd, one year exactly to the day, that you passed away. I still cannot even believe it today!!! Will I ever???
There has not been a day that has passed that we have not missed you, loved you, and wanted you back. Our lives are forever changed Nicholas without you here in them with us. Our hearts are different, our lives are different, but we are making it through this. I don't know how, other than lots of prayers and love from family and friends.
I love you so much sweet boy, I miss you like crazy and I still cry everyday for you. I don't think that will change for a while son, I miss you so much. I am gonna check on your ad and I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you baby, and I miss you.
I decided to put an ad in the herald for you, will come out on the 23rd, one year exactly to the day, that you passed away. I still cannot even believe it today!!! Will I ever???
There has not been a day that has passed that we have not missed you, loved you, and wanted you back. Our lives are forever changed Nicholas without you here in them with us. Our hearts are different, our lives are different, but we are making it through this. I don't know how, other than lots of prayers and love from family and friends.
I love you so much sweet boy, I miss you like crazy and I still cry everyday for you. I don't think that will change for a while son, I miss you so much. I am gonna check on your ad and I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
NICHOLAS
Nick,
I don't want to go to sleep because I know I will be one day closer to the 23rd!!!
OUCH, OUCH, OUCHIE!!!!
OH my NICK, I do not know how my heart is gonna feel on that day. I am having a party for you that night here at the house. Family, food and fellowship, all in your honor sweet boy, to celebrate you and keep your memory and love ALIVE.
I love you more ~moma~
I don't want to go to sleep because I know I will be one day closer to the 23rd!!!
OUCH, OUCH, OUCHIE!!!!
OH my NICK, I do not know how my heart is gonna feel on that day. I am having a party for you that night here at the house. Family, food and fellowship, all in your honor sweet boy, to celebrate you and keep your memory and love ALIVE.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi my son
Today was a hard hard day son!!!
We have had your Repsol listed for months. 2 days ago a man called from Seattle asking about it, and today he came down and bought it!!! I was devastated. I know it's just a bike, but it is more than that to me, it is another piece of you that is gone now, that I let go of, and it was so damn hard!! I cried and cried, and was angry with the man. It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet.
This whole month has been so hard babe, so hard, because it was rough for all of us before you left for Ca with your Dad.
I just wish I would have locked you up for a while and thrown away the key, until you were well. Just as I have and your brother and sister has had to walk, go, cry, kick, fight, scream, fake our way through "losing you," I wish so much that you could have done that with Shelby.
I know what it is like to feel crazy in my head over losing you. I know what it's like to hurt so bad from missing you, that my body is sore for days after whaling over you for 2 hours straight. I know, I know what it's like, and it sucks and it hurts and I don't like it. I am grateful that I haven't lost my ever loving mind, serious and ended up in an Institution, or wasted on drugs and alcohol. I am grateful for that son. I have to struggle through everyday. I make a conscious choice everyday to get up, get out of bed, take a shower, eat, and DO SOMETHING good or productive, when I don't feel like it or want to because all I can seem to see or think about is you, you, you!!!
I have forced myself to do for us, do for myself, and to do for Greg and Journey. They are my waking force. They are why I say yes everyday to the messedupness in my head and life everyday!!! There are good points in my life, and good people and good things, but it has been a chore to accept and receive them for all of us. They deserve a good life, a good moma, and a good role model. I have always wanted to give that to my children, and I believe I always have, but my faith and my hope has been tested, not by God but by circumstances. I am determined to not allow my circumstances to become who I am or we are. But to become people of greater valor, kindness, understanding and love for others in this world. Our lives count just as yours did Nick, so I need to make sure Greg and Journey still get a fair shake. I have to do this, if only for them for now. Some day Nick I don't know when, but some day I hope I can get through the day without being torn in two, missing you, and being with them.
Some days are very very rough, others I get a reprieve. Today was a day of anticipation and dread, I knew your bike was gonna sell, and it hurts to not be able to hang onto it. Secretly in my heart I would have loved to give that bike to Greg or Journey when they got older!!! That's not gonna happen now, it makes me sad.
I asked God to have Mercy on my soul last night. i went out side and stared at the stars in the sky and asked God which is harder to do Lord, "Hold the stars in the galaxy or heal my broken heart. and He said neither, I am your Lord your God and I can do them both, I am able, more than enough, neither is hard for me. I am healing your broken heart even though it may not feel like it I Am. I love you and trust me. Life is rough right now son, I want you here and Shelby, and for none of that bs to have happened and come about. I don't know yet why this has happened, and I may not know until I get to heaven. So, until I do know why, I must ask for HIM to help and heal me so I can go on without you, and allow him to heal the hurt and repair the damage.
There was a let up of pressure on my heart today in aching for you, I have been looking closer at suicide and what it "REALLY" is and why it's still a bit taboo, especially in our schools where our children are!!! I am appalled that adults are acting afraid of it and not discussing it or taking it more serious considering every 18 minutes another teen succeeds in it, and every 43 sec, another one tries. My heart was focused on trying to understand things better, but as soon as I knew that man was coming to get your bike, I got really upset again. For me its, two steps forward and one step back. That way I am still one step ahead. If I don't think like his then I can get pretty stagnant, and depressed. I have to believe I am progressing, even in some small way.
I miss you so freakin much Nick, I am angry today, at mental Illness, I am angry with drugs, you know why son...because that is what took you. I know it started off with grief, anger and pain from losing Shelby and a little here and there of this or that would lighten the pain load for a minute. But then It was everyday and it wasn't doing a bit of good, in fact it started making things worse for all of us son, and you couldn't see it, no one could really see what the hell was happening fully. Had I known then what I know now about mental illness, drugs and suicide....I swear it might have been different for us all. I can't help but think that way Nick, I am so damn wounded by your passing away I can't even hardly take two straight breathes in a row without having tears well up in my eyes or my stomach to start shaking from the would of's, could of's and should of's. UGH!!!
I miss you and I miss you and I miss you. I love you and miss you so much.
i want the pain to go away, I want to go through a day when I don't break out with tears and I can't control them.
Yes I do have Greg and Journey and they are enough, and they are more than beautiful and loved. But what people don't understand is this... it doesn't matter how many more lovely children you have because you love them all the same, I sure do, but you will always miss that one that is no longer among you in your everyday life! I miss YOU.
Greg and Journey have been amazing pillars of strength for moma, and for our family. Shelby dieing and you dieing right after caused these two to grow up a lil bit faster than we wanted them too. They saw, felt, did things in life as a mother I have tried to protect them from all along, hurt, death, rage, judgements etc.... they have tasted the sting of death in their precious innocent worlds real early. I know they have felt that you may not have loved them or me or life to stay here, but that is not true. I got a chance to talk to Greg a lil more today, thank you Jesus for him sharing with me.
All I have to say about that is, God must have these amazing plans and a future for both of them to bare such weight on their heads and hearts in their tender years. What will become of all of this my son, what?!!!
I better send this off Nick or it will be the noon tomorrow before I stop writing. I swear I could write you all day sometimes.
I miss you so son.
I miss you more than you could possibly have ever known.
I miss you and love you beyond tears.
i love you baby,
I love you more ~moma~
We have had your Repsol listed for months. 2 days ago a man called from Seattle asking about it, and today he came down and bought it!!! I was devastated. I know it's just a bike, but it is more than that to me, it is another piece of you that is gone now, that I let go of, and it was so damn hard!! I cried and cried, and was angry with the man. It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet.
This whole month has been so hard babe, so hard, because it was rough for all of us before you left for Ca with your Dad.
I just wish I would have locked you up for a while and thrown away the key, until you were well. Just as I have and your brother and sister has had to walk, go, cry, kick, fight, scream, fake our way through "losing you," I wish so much that you could have done that with Shelby.
I know what it is like to feel crazy in my head over losing you. I know what it's like to hurt so bad from missing you, that my body is sore for days after whaling over you for 2 hours straight. I know, I know what it's like, and it sucks and it hurts and I don't like it. I am grateful that I haven't lost my ever loving mind, serious and ended up in an Institution, or wasted on drugs and alcohol. I am grateful for that son. I have to struggle through everyday. I make a conscious choice everyday to get up, get out of bed, take a shower, eat, and DO SOMETHING good or productive, when I don't feel like it or want to because all I can seem to see or think about is you, you, you!!!
I have forced myself to do for us, do for myself, and to do for Greg and Journey. They are my waking force. They are why I say yes everyday to the messedupness in my head and life everyday!!! There are good points in my life, and good people and good things, but it has been a chore to accept and receive them for all of us. They deserve a good life, a good moma, and a good role model. I have always wanted to give that to my children, and I believe I always have, but my faith and my hope has been tested, not by God but by circumstances. I am determined to not allow my circumstances to become who I am or we are. But to become people of greater valor, kindness, understanding and love for others in this world. Our lives count just as yours did Nick, so I need to make sure Greg and Journey still get a fair shake. I have to do this, if only for them for now. Some day Nick I don't know when, but some day I hope I can get through the day without being torn in two, missing you, and being with them.
Some days are very very rough, others I get a reprieve. Today was a day of anticipation and dread, I knew your bike was gonna sell, and it hurts to not be able to hang onto it. Secretly in my heart I would have loved to give that bike to Greg or Journey when they got older!!! That's not gonna happen now, it makes me sad.
I asked God to have Mercy on my soul last night. i went out side and stared at the stars in the sky and asked God which is harder to do Lord, "Hold the stars in the galaxy or heal my broken heart. and He said neither, I am your Lord your God and I can do them both, I am able, more than enough, neither is hard for me. I am healing your broken heart even though it may not feel like it I Am. I love you and trust me. Life is rough right now son, I want you here and Shelby, and for none of that bs to have happened and come about. I don't know yet why this has happened, and I may not know until I get to heaven. So, until I do know why, I must ask for HIM to help and heal me so I can go on without you, and allow him to heal the hurt and repair the damage.
There was a let up of pressure on my heart today in aching for you, I have been looking closer at suicide and what it "REALLY" is and why it's still a bit taboo, especially in our schools where our children are!!! I am appalled that adults are acting afraid of it and not discussing it or taking it more serious considering every 18 minutes another teen succeeds in it, and every 43 sec, another one tries. My heart was focused on trying to understand things better, but as soon as I knew that man was coming to get your bike, I got really upset again. For me its, two steps forward and one step back. That way I am still one step ahead. If I don't think like his then I can get pretty stagnant, and depressed. I have to believe I am progressing, even in some small way.
I miss you so freakin much Nick, I am angry today, at mental Illness, I am angry with drugs, you know why son...because that is what took you. I know it started off with grief, anger and pain from losing Shelby and a little here and there of this or that would lighten the pain load for a minute. But then It was everyday and it wasn't doing a bit of good, in fact it started making things worse for all of us son, and you couldn't see it, no one could really see what the hell was happening fully. Had I known then what I know now about mental illness, drugs and suicide....I swear it might have been different for us all. I can't help but think that way Nick, I am so damn wounded by your passing away I can't even hardly take two straight breathes in a row without having tears well up in my eyes or my stomach to start shaking from the would of's, could of's and should of's. UGH!!!
I miss you and I miss you and I miss you. I love you and miss you so much.
i want the pain to go away, I want to go through a day when I don't break out with tears and I can't control them.
Yes I do have Greg and Journey and they are enough, and they are more than beautiful and loved. But what people don't understand is this... it doesn't matter how many more lovely children you have because you love them all the same, I sure do, but you will always miss that one that is no longer among you in your everyday life! I miss YOU.
Greg and Journey have been amazing pillars of strength for moma, and for our family. Shelby dieing and you dieing right after caused these two to grow up a lil bit faster than we wanted them too. They saw, felt, did things in life as a mother I have tried to protect them from all along, hurt, death, rage, judgements etc.... they have tasted the sting of death in their precious innocent worlds real early. I know they have felt that you may not have loved them or me or life to stay here, but that is not true. I got a chance to talk to Greg a lil more today, thank you Jesus for him sharing with me.
All I have to say about that is, God must have these amazing plans and a future for both of them to bare such weight on their heads and hearts in their tender years. What will become of all of this my son, what?!!!
I better send this off Nick or it will be the noon tomorrow before I stop writing. I swear I could write you all day sometimes.
I miss you so son.
I miss you more than you could possibly have ever known.
I miss you and love you beyond tears.
i love you baby,
I love you more ~moma~
Monday, October 19, 2009
Good night sweet boy, I miss your sweet love son, I love you more ~moma~
I miss your tenderness, Nick, your loving gentle touch! I miss you, I miss my boy I miss your beautiful voice. I miss you, God how I REALLY REALLY miss you Nick.
I miss you more and more everyday, I shall never stop loving you, but
"God would you please have mercy on my soul and lighten the throbbing that goes on and on all day and all night, please Lord! Have mercy on my heart and soul. Help our family to heal, and love again, laugh out loud and not feel bad about it. Help us dear God, help us heal'"
I will always love you Nicholas James Devine my love Always.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you more and more everyday, I shall never stop loving you, but
"God would you please have mercy on my soul and lighten the throbbing that goes on and on all day and all night, please Lord! Have mercy on my heart and soul. Help our family to heal, and love again, laugh out loud and not feel bad about it. Help us dear God, help us heal'"
I will always love you Nicholas James Devine my love Always.
I love you more ~moma~
Nicholas James Devine
An Open Letter To The Non Bereaved
"Dear Family, Friends, Co-Workers, Church Family, and General Public,"
I am a bereaved parent. My child died. My world has been "turned upside down" and I have been "thrown" into a world of pain and grief that I never even imagined could exist.
The absolute "worst" has happened to me and my family. Our child, grandchild, brother or sister has died. Close your eyes for a minute and just try to imagine your world as you know it and love it, being totally and forever changed in one split second. Imagine that one of "your" beloved children that you kissed goodnight last night,talked to on the phone yesterday or said "I love you" to today as they walked out the door to go to their everyday regular activities DID NOT return home. Not today, not tomorrow or not ever! Just try to imagine getting a phone call or a knock on the door from the Hospital, Highway Patrol, Sheriff Dept. or anyone telling you that your child is DEAD. I am sure that you can not even begin to imagine the horror of it.
It did happen to me and my world that I knew and loved is no longer, I am no longer the same me that you once knew. I am no longer no longer the same "me" that I once knew. I am faced with trying to learn to go on without my precious child. Where do I start, what do I do? Where do I turn? The pain is unbearable, the pain is constant in the first days, weeks, and months and, I am told even...years.
I am consumed with this pain my every awakening minute. I can not sleep at night; I can not function at home, work or anyplace. I may put on a "good face" and tell you "I am fine or ok" but this is far from the truth. I am NOT OK or fine. Quite frankly, I do not even have the energy to tell you how I really am and there are really no words in any language to adequately explain the horrendous pain, grief or longing for my child that I am feeling. I am told by other more "seasoned grievers" who have also had a child die that "one day" I will not feel this constant all consuming pain, that I will find joy in my life again but that it is a very long and hard journey of grief to reach that point. I am on that long and hard grief journey "right now". I am trying, and please believe me when I say I want to see the day when I can breathe and not feel just this over powering grief and pain.
I tell you all of this because you can help me so much by just trying to put yourself in my place and understanding what I and my family are now faced with. You don't have to have the "right words" to help me, for there are no "right words." But you can give me your hugs, understanding, and your support by knowing that this "grief journey" takes a long long time and is not something that I can "get over" (I don't have the measles) or "move on" from........I have to go "through" this grief to get to the "other side" of it.
Thank you so much for "trying" to understand.
By: Pat Moser, a bereaved parent.
R.I.P. Nicholas James Devine. 8-24-83 to 10-23-08
Tina Pielstick ~moma~ We also lost our beautiful grand daughter within 4 months of our son.
R.I.P. ShelbyPaige Nyra Devine. 2-4-08 to 6-28-08
"Dear Family, Friends, Co-Workers, Church Family, and General Public,"
I am a bereaved parent. My child died. My world has been "turned upside down" and I have been "thrown" into a world of pain and grief that I never even imagined could exist.
The absolute "worst" has happened to me and my family. Our child, grandchild, brother or sister has died. Close your eyes for a minute and just try to imagine your world as you know it and love it, being totally and forever changed in one split second. Imagine that one of "your" beloved children that you kissed goodnight last night,talked to on the phone yesterday or said "I love you" to today as they walked out the door to go to their everyday regular activities DID NOT return home. Not today, not tomorrow or not ever! Just try to imagine getting a phone call or a knock on the door from the Hospital, Highway Patrol, Sheriff Dept. or anyone telling you that your child is DEAD. I am sure that you can not even begin to imagine the horror of it.
It did happen to me and my world that I knew and loved is no longer, I am no longer the same me that you once knew. I am no longer no longer the same "me" that I once knew. I am faced with trying to learn to go on without my precious child. Where do I start, what do I do? Where do I turn? The pain is unbearable, the pain is constant in the first days, weeks, and months and, I am told even...years.
I am consumed with this pain my every awakening minute. I can not sleep at night; I can not function at home, work or anyplace. I may put on a "good face" and tell you "I am fine or ok" but this is far from the truth. I am NOT OK or fine. Quite frankly, I do not even have the energy to tell you how I really am and there are really no words in any language to adequately explain the horrendous pain, grief or longing for my child that I am feeling. I am told by other more "seasoned grievers" who have also had a child die that "one day" I will not feel this constant all consuming pain, that I will find joy in my life again but that it is a very long and hard journey of grief to reach that point. I am on that long and hard grief journey "right now". I am trying, and please believe me when I say I want to see the day when I can breathe and not feel just this over powering grief and pain.
I tell you all of this because you can help me so much by just trying to put yourself in my place and understanding what I and my family are now faced with. You don't have to have the "right words" to help me, for there are no "right words." But you can give me your hugs, understanding, and your support by knowing that this "grief journey" takes a long long time and is not something that I can "get over" (I don't have the measles) or "move on" from........I have to go "through" this grief to get to the "other side" of it.
Thank you so much for "trying" to understand.
By: Pat Moser, a bereaved parent.
R.I.P. Nicholas James Devine. 8-24-83 to 10-23-08
Tina Pielstick ~moma~ We also lost our beautiful grand daughter within 4 months of our son.
R.I.P. ShelbyPaige Nyra Devine. 2-4-08 to 6-28-08
Hi my sweet son Nicholas
Hi baby,
I miss you and I have been really sad over you and Shelby the last 3 or 4 days, but happy in other ways. I quit smoking son....I am so stinking happy about that!!
I am planning your party sad/happy about that.
I am missing you and Shelby girl so much. I was sorting through pictures last night again, and I came across many of my brother Greg, and my moma. I cried for a while, I really do miss my brother, and my moma, even after all these years. having said that, I know I will never ever stop missing, wanting, longing, or thinking about you. I know I will never ever get over you or Shelby. I will always miss and love you. knowing that, sucks Nick!!! It does ,it just sucks.
In a later note today I will send you something that describes SOME of what I think and feel, for no-one knows all of my private pain, even if there were words for it, no -one knows my insides!
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
I miss you and I have been really sad over you and Shelby the last 3 or 4 days, but happy in other ways. I quit smoking son....I am so stinking happy about that!!
I am planning your party sad/happy about that.
I am missing you and Shelby girl so much. I was sorting through pictures last night again, and I came across many of my brother Greg, and my moma. I cried for a while, I really do miss my brother, and my moma, even after all these years. having said that, I know I will never ever stop missing, wanting, longing, or thinking about you. I know I will never ever get over you or Shelby. I will always miss and love you. knowing that, sucks Nick!!! It does ,it just sucks.
In a later note today I will send you something that describes SOME of what I think and feel, for no-one knows all of my private pain, even if there were words for it, no -one knows my insides!
I will write you later son.
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Nicholas, I love you more ~moma~
Just a little note to all who may think, it's been a year and I should be "over it". I have replaced spouse with son! Peace and Love to you all.
It’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is.
IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.
IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy.
IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
IT is his birthday, but there is no him.
IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children.
IT is your birthday, and there is still no him.
IT is April 15 and you sign “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no.
IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad.
IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born.
IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room.
IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons.
IT is vacation time and you go with your widowed friend, and you both cry together.
IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly grandpa in the mask is absent.
IT is seeing your one-year-old grandchild take her first step knowing there should be one more set of arms reaching out to her.
IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past.
IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.”
IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you.
IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving.
IT is being strong when you really feel weak.
IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t.
IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate.
IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away.
IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real.
IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings.
IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your ginger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off.
IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less.
IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry.
IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.
IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.”
IT is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams.So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is!
[Source: Bereavement Magazine July/August 2003. Reprinted with permission fromBereavement Publishing, Inc.,
It’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is.
IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.
IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy.
IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
IT is his birthday, but there is no him.
IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children.
IT is your birthday, and there is still no him.
IT is April 15 and you sign “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no.
IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad.
IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born.
IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room.
IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons.
IT is vacation time and you go with your widowed friend, and you both cry together.
IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly grandpa in the mask is absent.
IT is seeing your one-year-old grandchild take her first step knowing there should be one more set of arms reaching out to her.
IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past.
IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.”
IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you.
IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving.
IT is being strong when you really feel weak.
IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t.
IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate.
IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away.
IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real.
IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings.
IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your ginger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off.
IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less.
IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry.
IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.
IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.”
IT is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams.So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is!
[Source: Bereavement Magazine July/August 2003. Reprinted with permission fromBereavement Publishing, Inc.,
Nicholas
Here are our pumpkins son, Greg's, moma's, Journey's and Lloyd's.I love you more sweet boy ~moma~
I love you Nick
Good morning sweet boy, I miss you.
We carved our pumpkins last night and I am gonna send you a picture of them okay!
I made it through the entire day and night yesterday without smoking. I put a patch on this morning and still going strong. I am soooo proud of myself son. I want this sooo badly. I can already tell a difference in my breathing and the taste of my food. It is amazing.
Watching the falcons and Vikings this morning.
I will write you later son. I miss you so much. kisses, hugs and all my love to you and ShelbyPaige.
I love you more ~moma~
We carved our pumpkins last night and I am gonna send you a picture of them okay!
I made it through the entire day and night yesterday without smoking. I put a patch on this morning and still going strong. I am soooo proud of myself son. I want this sooo badly. I can already tell a difference in my breathing and the taste of my food. It is amazing.
Watching the falcons and Vikings this morning.
I will write you later son. I miss you so much. kisses, hugs and all my love to you and ShelbyPaige.
I love you more ~moma~
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