October 23, 2009Hi sweet Son Nicholas James,
My son I love you and miss you.
I cannot believe it is "one year" today since you passed away. :(
I tried to imagine this day...how I would feel, what I would think, where would I be with all this, and I couldn't! But here we are and now I know why I couldn't even imagine it, because it is too painful and too frustrating!!!
It's raining outside today...what a blessing!!! You and God both know how much I truly LOVE the rain. But there was no sun rise this morning here. It is raining, cloudy, a bit windy, and the sky is gray. The leaves are falling all over the ground and it look so beautiful outside right now. So, my friend Jo is in San Diego Ca., and I told her yesterday please take a picture of the Ca.Sunrise for me on the 23rd. She left to go down there Wed. So at 7:23 she sends me this beautiful Ca. sunrise. What a blessing that was. I got my "Son" rise this morning afterall.God is so gentle, loving and gracious to me and He is having mercy on my soul, especially today. I feel and know His presence, very strongly, in and all around me today.It's been one year since you passed away son,even though the 8th of Oct. was the last day I saw you, hugged you kissed you and felt you hug me back, today was the day I heard you were...gone! That day was so hard/soft and bitter/sweet.I think I am numb. It's ok though, I do feel love so I know I'm alive, and He abounds here in my presence. I know I will weep all day, but for right now,I'm gonna let Him love on me. Today has already been interesting, it actually started yesterday morning and again at your garden last nigh. First I want to say that God is all over this day with me,loving, blessing, giving to me. Second, I was up all night with God.How could I sleep??? I went to your garden yesterday, and I have already been there this morning too. I took your brother and sister to school and then I will pick then up at 2:30 and we are going to take you a beautiful bouquet of flowers together and Lloyd is getting off work early too and going. They went with me yesterday and I met another moma there who's baby died 5 years ago, her name is Shelly. We talked for about 5 minutes, she told me she plays the harp every year there in the Sunset Memorial Garden's for the "Worldwide Candle lighting/NATIONAL Childrens Memorial Day Serivce." It is for any moma or Daddy that has lost a child of any age. We exchanged names and emails, and by the time we got back home she had already sent me the information on this years event Dec. 14th. and friended me on face book. Wow!!! I was blown away. She was there visiting her boy. She has 3 other children, 18, 15, and 12 I think. She noticed your portrait on my back and asked if that was "you" (my son) and I said yes. She loved it. She's prolly my age or so, very easy to have conversation with and friendly. We both had tears in our eyes and new we had something very special in common, and our hearts new one another immediately. I haven't felt that way wih another woman of my age...since you been gone.I don't know what to think of all this right now, but I receive it. There was an entry on your guest book from a girl you went to Jr. high with at Carmichael. I ended up finding her in your year book, and she is coming to your celebaration today, rain or shine. She shared one of the most beautiful letters about "YOU" with me that I cried all the way through it. God is just blessing my socks off, what else can I say.I didn't rest yet so I am gonna go do that for a couple hours. Then I will make my brownies and cookies for your party. I have put out some of the cards you got me and I got you over the years, and other encouraging and love cards notes and letters from family and friends for different times in my life and I have a bunch of your pictures all up and around the house. The only thing I don't have is flowers but I want Greg and Journey to help pick them out:)I have my "I love you more" book out, poems you wrote and I wrote and memories from your friends and family, and it is all a comfort and blessing for me. I counted up the penny's I got for one year and there were 33:)
Joanette, spoke a blessing out loud to me on the phone, and Deanne (Jonathon) from Hawaii ministered to me through the email. Your Aunt Kim told me last night when we talked earlier in the evening that I need to watch the mail...again, that she was sending something for Journey and I. She said " I hope you guy's get it today" I do too. What a blessing thatwas.
Jess and I spent from 1 am to almost 6 am together this morning. We couldn't sleep and we will never forget!!! So we went to visit Becky for a couple hours it was an awesome visit. I love you and miss you so much Nicholas not only does it hurt, but I can't even really describe the forever longing I KNOW I have had and will always have in my heart since you went to heaven.I have all my candles lit today, and I am gonna bless Journey and Greg with a balloon and flower from moma today while they are in school. I KNOW they are so thinking about you, me, them, us, this day!!! There hasn't been a day that has gone by, that I haven't missed you!!! Today and tonight son I will we all will celebrate "your life" AND LOVE.I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU. I will write you later son.I don't want to stop writing you........................Crying, some of the tears are blessings some are sadness, but Gods got my back, just as you do.I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
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