I love you baby, I miss you so.
Sweet Dreams my Angel Son, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I love you Nick Nick,
Nicholas and his beautiful niece Zoe
FACING THE NEW YEAR
As we stand upon the threshold
Of another brand New Year,
Let us breathe a prayer that always
We shall have God's presence near.
Perhaps last year brought trials,
Heartaches, disappointments, too;
It also brought real triumphs,
Happiness and friendships new.
Only God, Who sees the future,
Knows all that lies ahead;
If we knew, our hearts might only
Fill with worry, fear and dread.
Let us face the year believing
That He Who loves us so
Will direct our every footstep--
Daily point the way to go.
I love you more ~moma~
We all love and miss you so much our precious Nicholas James Devine ~your family~
Good morning my Beautiful Son
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would have done it.
Hi my sweet Nicholas James, I miss you my sweet angel of God~
I'm up early so I can get started with putting away all these Christmas decorations, time to begin a "NEW" year. You will come into this new year with me though son, you are always with me. Hopefully this year I can take better care of myself first, then Lloyd, Greg and Journey. Hopefully I won't neglect my beautiful friendships because of the pain I have suffered in "09". 2008 and 2009 completely blind sided moma, us, we were so shocked at how your life went from having this beautiful family to devastation and complete annihilation . I will never be able to make sense of any of it...but I do know God will heal my broken heart and shattered soul, because He loves us.
Journey is at cheer practice right now and Greg's still asleep, so I better go get him stirring. Lloyd and I wee up early, he's gonna get the next crx on line for sale. He leaves tomorrow for a few weeks so we have a lot to do before he takes off.
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I love you with all that I am, with all that I have, and with every fiber of my being. You have no idea how very, very much I miss you Nicholas.
Hugs and kisses til next time
I love you more ~moma~
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would have done it.
Hi my sweet Nicholas James, I miss you my sweet angel of God~
I'm up early so I can get started with putting away all these Christmas decorations, time to begin a "NEW" year. You will come into this new year with me though son, you are always with me. Hopefully this year I can take better care of myself first, then Lloyd, Greg and Journey. Hopefully I won't neglect my beautiful friendships because of the pain I have suffered in "09". 2008 and 2009 completely blind sided moma, us, we were so shocked at how your life went from having this beautiful family to devastation and complete annihilation . I will never be able to make sense of any of it...but I do know God will heal my broken heart and shattered soul, because He loves us.
Journey is at cheer practice right now and Greg's still asleep, so I better go get him stirring. Lloyd and I wee up early, he's gonna get the next crx on line for sale. He leaves tomorrow for a few weeks so we have a lot to do before he takes off.
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I love you with all that I am, with all that I have, and with every fiber of my being. You have no idea how very, very much I miss you Nicholas.
Hugs and kisses til next time
I love you more ~moma~
Friday, January 1, 2010
sweet son
Our beautifully snow covered willow out front son, I thought you would like this.
I love you Beautiful son,
Hi baby,
Well today we start another "new" year. All the Christmas things are still up but they are coming down tomorrow. We are gonna go through all our Christmas things and get rid of what we don't use year after year but continue to store. I already gave some things away, but we still have more than we need or can use. We took you and Shelby a new years gift yesterday. I'm getting low on candles so I better go get some soon. I light them everyday for you and for those on pos whose moms have a child with a B-day or memorial date.
Lloyd leaves for Texas Sunday, so we are having family time tonight and cleaning up all the Christmas stuff tomorrow, then we'll probably watch a couple movies. But we decided we were gonna leave our blue and white lights on our blooming pear tree out front.
The kids start school Monday, then I am gonna work on getting my living room back in order, it has been in dissaray since you left me sweetheart. It has just been so hard to move anything of yours out of there, and get motivated. But now since the kids will be back in school and LLoyd being gone I will use that alone time to get our home back in order.
I miss you sweet Nick. But I wanna share something really cool that happened to me.
On the 22nd of Dec. I had a bad case of missing you, it lasted til the 28th. Even though you came to me in my dreams twice in one week, which was great, I still had a Tidal Wave hit me...hard. I was not doing good at all, not feeling at all sane and not wanted to do anything but be with you, see you, and have you back with me in my arms...again.
I got in a really bad funk 3 days before Christmas and I was scared for myself, it was a big bad Tidal Wave. I was full aware that it was gonna be 14 months on the 23rd for you being gone when all this started on the 22nd. I had court on the 23rd and was not looking forward to it, (court went great though). And I knew Christmas was poking it's head around the corner. The first Christmas you were gone I (we) were all still in so much pain and in a fog that I didn't even want to think about that day coming, knowing you would not be in it with us was unthinkable, let alone getting through it. It was so hard and horrible.
So here I had Greg & Journey waiting for Christmas morning to get here and yet all I could do was miss you and cry, and feel like a vegetable, numb yet in great despair, pain and disbelief. But they too were sad and numb that first Christmas morning, because they knew their brother wouldn't be coming over, we were all just kind of exisiting. It was numbing and very sad, it was like we were all on auto-pilot.
This Christmas, I was less numb and in the fog and so I FELT more, more than just my pain. I was here for Lloyd, Greg and Journey and I could enjoy them opening gifts, and I can actually rememeber hearing what they saying and smile for them. and with them. But I also remembered more about Christmas morning. I had your picture, nana's, Greg's, and Shelby's under the tree.I woke up early and was trying to get everyone up to get started. I did more this year too, for myself and the kids. We decorated our regular Christmas tree, and we went to your garden and decorated it too. We decorated our home with candles, snowman, and snow globes, it was a lot more festive for sure. It still had the sting of our loss of you though, I think it always will. It was lonely without you here.
But on the 22nd there was a depression that came over me and went through me, like never before, it was so strong, I didn't feel like I could recover from it. It wasn't good Nick, not at all. A big part of me just wanted to go be with you.
Well there was a lady on POS that sent out a scriputer Isa.61 And even though I knew something had shifted in me on the morning of the 28th,but I still couldn't quite figure out what it was, or why I felt different that morning, or what compelled me to just get up and put my worship music on. That scripture has given me comfort many of times in the past, but I wasn't thinking about on that morning. The little devil would rather me not, but GOD IS BIGGER than him. I was reminded by this woman Gabreille who has a strong faith in God, the scripture she sent out in her posting later that night. The of the oil of joy (gladness), the garment of praise instead of (burden)or heaviness, comfort for those who mourn, and an (ornament) yes ornament of beauty instead of ashes. Finally 3 days after Christmas I pulled out of that depression that overwhelmed me and nearly took me to my grave. Praise God.
I woke up the morning of the 28Th which was Gareilee's son's 14 month ann. of her son's suicide. So, there I was singing and crying and singing and crying these songs out to God, first time in a very long time that I could actually feel the song in my heart and feel the Lords presence all around me, in me and in the house. Oh man I cried and sang and cried and sang some more. I had the music up so loud and Greg and Journey were still sound to sleep. But when they woke up, they woke up to a DIFFERENT moma, they knew it and I knew it. It was a calm morning, it was a different morning, a "New" morning. The atmosphere was different too I'm sure. They came in the kitchen where I was preparing them eggs and sausage for breakfast burritos. They loved that moma was making a great breakfast. And then they sat down for the next 2 hours (except to eat) and played Lego's....Together, a 15 1/2 year old boy and a 14 1/2 year old girl!!! WOW!!! Now that was awesome. They are very close and always have been. But when you died son we all suffered it alone in our own ways and pulled away a little from each other. We didn't mean to and I think it is normal, but I didn't like it. I knew it, felt it and saw it happening, and when I did I tried desperately to save the rest of my family from being consummed by this darkness and tragedy that had come into our live,and was determinded to get us close as a family once again. We are a lot closer now and things are getting better. It was a "NEW" day. I have felt different ever since. But that day I missed you terrible. I do everyday, but I was burdened. I realized God had done some heart surgery on me, and that He was doing some healing there, not only with moma but with our family son. I did wake up that morning and have "praise" in my heart for Him and less of a (burden)heavy feeling in my heart and head, and he did give me "joy" (gladness) for mourning, and I did see his "beauty" for ashes in my "living" children, Greg and Journey, playing together and laughing, and talking to each other with love. I am crying right now sharing this with you, beacause finally here was my answer and I realize what God did for me that morning. It was Isa 61, but I didn't get that message until the evening of the 28th as I read the posts on pos from that day. I am so grateful she shared it, as she was supossed to, if not for all for one. I had been trying to figure out for 3 days what happened to me that morning and how I was different. Now I knew, now I know!!! God was working out Isa 61:1-4 & 7. It was so awesome. I shall never forget that day as long as I live. It was all God and it was super natural. I don't know if I told you Nick, but about 3 weeks ago, I stopped being mad at God for what happened and asked for His forgiveness, and slowly started reading His word again. I know He forgave me and blessed my obedience to reading His word again. For He knows that all the answers to lives questions are in Him and His word. It is our manual for living. He knows that the only way I will find peace again or in this tragedy is "IN" and "Through" Him.
Anyway son, that is what happened. But I also realized that no matter how much I read His word or pray to Him, I am always gonna want and miss you. I am always gonna cry over losing you and I will never really understand why you had to go until I meet Him face to face. I can't wait for that reunion in heaven for it will be glorious, the celebration of all time. I will see you, my mom, my brother and my ShelbyPaige, and all the angels. Together we will worship Him and sing songs of praise to Him and worship Him FOREVER and EVER, Amen.
I miss you my love, I miss you everyday hour of everyday still.
But until I do I am gonna give it my best effort to rememeber your love, our time here on earth together and all the good things and gifts we shared. Because of you Nick, my life was more beautiful, joyful, richer and complete. I shall always be gratful to have had you as my son, and to have shared the most precious 25 years of your life with me. I will never be sorry for that, they were beautiful.
I will write you later my handsome boy. I miss you Nicky, I miss you still so very much. Until next time, hugs and a million kisses to you my love.
"Sweet Dreams" son sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you Beautiful son,
Hi baby,
Well today we start another "new" year. All the Christmas things are still up but they are coming down tomorrow. We are gonna go through all our Christmas things and get rid of what we don't use year after year but continue to store. I already gave some things away, but we still have more than we need or can use. We took you and Shelby a new years gift yesterday. I'm getting low on candles so I better go get some soon. I light them everyday for you and for those on pos whose moms have a child with a B-day or memorial date.
Lloyd leaves for Texas Sunday, so we are having family time tonight and cleaning up all the Christmas stuff tomorrow, then we'll probably watch a couple movies. But we decided we were gonna leave our blue and white lights on our blooming pear tree out front.
The kids start school Monday, then I am gonna work on getting my living room back in order, it has been in dissaray since you left me sweetheart. It has just been so hard to move anything of yours out of there, and get motivated. But now since the kids will be back in school and LLoyd being gone I will use that alone time to get our home back in order.
I miss you sweet Nick. But I wanna share something really cool that happened to me.
On the 22nd of Dec. I had a bad case of missing you, it lasted til the 28th. Even though you came to me in my dreams twice in one week, which was great, I still had a Tidal Wave hit me...hard. I was not doing good at all, not feeling at all sane and not wanted to do anything but be with you, see you, and have you back with me in my arms...again.
I got in a really bad funk 3 days before Christmas and I was scared for myself, it was a big bad Tidal Wave. I was full aware that it was gonna be 14 months on the 23rd for you being gone when all this started on the 22nd. I had court on the 23rd and was not looking forward to it, (court went great though). And I knew Christmas was poking it's head around the corner. The first Christmas you were gone I (we) were all still in so much pain and in a fog that I didn't even want to think about that day coming, knowing you would not be in it with us was unthinkable, let alone getting through it. It was so hard and horrible.
So here I had Greg & Journey waiting for Christmas morning to get here and yet all I could do was miss you and cry, and feel like a vegetable, numb yet in great despair, pain and disbelief. But they too were sad and numb that first Christmas morning, because they knew their brother wouldn't be coming over, we were all just kind of exisiting. It was numbing and very sad, it was like we were all on auto-pilot.
This Christmas, I was less numb and in the fog and so I FELT more, more than just my pain. I was here for Lloyd, Greg and Journey and I could enjoy them opening gifts, and I can actually rememeber hearing what they saying and smile for them. and with them. But I also remembered more about Christmas morning. I had your picture, nana's, Greg's, and Shelby's under the tree.I woke up early and was trying to get everyone up to get started. I did more this year too, for myself and the kids. We decorated our regular Christmas tree, and we went to your garden and decorated it too. We decorated our home with candles, snowman, and snow globes, it was a lot more festive for sure. It still had the sting of our loss of you though, I think it always will. It was lonely without you here.
But on the 22nd there was a depression that came over me and went through me, like never before, it was so strong, I didn't feel like I could recover from it. It wasn't good Nick, not at all. A big part of me just wanted to go be with you.
Well there was a lady on POS that sent out a scriputer Isa.61 And even though I knew something had shifted in me on the morning of the 28th,but I still couldn't quite figure out what it was, or why I felt different that morning, or what compelled me to just get up and put my worship music on. That scripture has given me comfort many of times in the past, but I wasn't thinking about on that morning. The little devil would rather me not, but GOD IS BIGGER than him. I was reminded by this woman Gabreille who has a strong faith in God, the scripture she sent out in her posting later that night. The of the oil of joy (gladness), the garment of praise instead of (burden)or heaviness, comfort for those who mourn, and an (ornament) yes ornament of beauty instead of ashes. Finally 3 days after Christmas I pulled out of that depression that overwhelmed me and nearly took me to my grave. Praise God.
I woke up the morning of the 28Th which was Gareilee's son's 14 month ann. of her son's suicide. So, there I was singing and crying and singing and crying these songs out to God, first time in a very long time that I could actually feel the song in my heart and feel the Lords presence all around me, in me and in the house. Oh man I cried and sang and cried and sang some more. I had the music up so loud and Greg and Journey were still sound to sleep. But when they woke up, they woke up to a DIFFERENT moma, they knew it and I knew it. It was a calm morning, it was a different morning, a "New" morning. The atmosphere was different too I'm sure. They came in the kitchen where I was preparing them eggs and sausage for breakfast burritos. They loved that moma was making a great breakfast. And then they sat down for the next 2 hours (except to eat) and played Lego's....Together, a 15 1/2 year old boy and a 14 1/2 year old girl!!! WOW!!! Now that was awesome. They are very close and always have been. But when you died son we all suffered it alone in our own ways and pulled away a little from each other. We didn't mean to and I think it is normal, but I didn't like it. I knew it, felt it and saw it happening, and when I did I tried desperately to save the rest of my family from being consummed by this darkness and tragedy that had come into our live,and was determinded to get us close as a family once again. We are a lot closer now and things are getting better. It was a "NEW" day. I have felt different ever since. But that day I missed you terrible. I do everyday, but I was burdened. I realized God had done some heart surgery on me, and that He was doing some healing there, not only with moma but with our family son. I did wake up that morning and have "praise" in my heart for Him and less of a (burden)heavy feeling in my heart and head, and he did give me "joy" (gladness) for mourning, and I did see his "beauty" for ashes in my "living" children, Greg and Journey, playing together and laughing, and talking to each other with love. I am crying right now sharing this with you, beacause finally here was my answer and I realize what God did for me that morning. It was Isa 61, but I didn't get that message until the evening of the 28th as I read the posts on pos from that day. I am so grateful she shared it, as she was supossed to, if not for all for one. I had been trying to figure out for 3 days what happened to me that morning and how I was different. Now I knew, now I know!!! God was working out Isa 61:1-4 & 7. It was so awesome. I shall never forget that day as long as I live. It was all God and it was super natural. I don't know if I told you Nick, but about 3 weeks ago, I stopped being mad at God for what happened and asked for His forgiveness, and slowly started reading His word again. I know He forgave me and blessed my obedience to reading His word again. For He knows that all the answers to lives questions are in Him and His word. It is our manual for living. He knows that the only way I will find peace again or in this tragedy is "IN" and "Through" Him.
Anyway son, that is what happened. But I also realized that no matter how much I read His word or pray to Him, I am always gonna want and miss you. I am always gonna cry over losing you and I will never really understand why you had to go until I meet Him face to face. I can't wait for that reunion in heaven for it will be glorious, the celebration of all time. I will see you, my mom, my brother and my ShelbyPaige, and all the angels. Together we will worship Him and sing songs of praise to Him and worship Him FOREVER and EVER, Amen.
I miss you my love, I miss you everyday hour of everyday still.
But until I do I am gonna give it my best effort to rememeber your love, our time here on earth together and all the good things and gifts we shared. Because of you Nick, my life was more beautiful, joyful, richer and complete. I shall always be gratful to have had you as my son, and to have shared the most precious 25 years of your life with me. I will never be sorry for that, they were beautiful.
I will write you later my handsome boy. I miss you Nicky, I miss you still so very much. Until next time, hugs and a million kisses to you my love.
"Sweet Dreams" son sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~
Happy "New" year our Beautiful Nicholas James Devine, we love you more ~
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.
Hi Nicholas we miss you and just wanted to wish you a Happy "NEW Year with Jesus. I love you more ~moma~
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.
Hi Nicholas we miss you and just wanted to wish you a Happy "NEW Year with Jesus. I love you more ~moma~
Thursday, December 31, 2009
son
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Moma just wanted to say Happy "New" year son,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Moma just wanted to say Happy "New" year son,
I took Greg to the dentist today and guess what....he got his braces off, so it is a Happy "New" year for him :) He is so excited about it. Well while I waiting for him I stepped out of the car to smoke and when I got back into my car, K-Love was on and there was a story about how paying it forward to others who have helped up, and she wanted to give a one time sponsorship to show her appreciation of all that the Lord has done for them and blessed them financially this year after much hardship. I have stuggled to keep the tears that have wanted to rise up that lie just beneath my heart beat. Missing you a lot today son. So, I got back into my car and fastened my seat belt, and when I looked down to the buckle there sitting on the lock of the seat belt latch was a penny just sitting there. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. I just smiled creid and thanked you for Nick. Thank you sweet boy for giving me the perfect sign that you are always with me, and when I am very down you seem to be able to lift my heart up to joy and comfort in an instant. I love that. Just by sending a penny just when I need to know you are with me and bringing me comfort at just the right time. You know I keep them all in a frog bank. The moment I realized which was early on, I decided I would collect them all and count them up at the end of the year so, I will do that now. There are 73 total. Wow, I don't remember exactly the day I realized you were sending them to me but I would guess it was in Nov. after we had your celebration of life. I bet if I looked back at some of my earlier posts I would find the first time I realzed you starting doing this.
Just wanted to share.
Well, we all tried to remember what we did this new years eve and none of us 4 could remember, we were all still in the "shock" bubble and on auto-pilot so it is no surprise at all. But again I bet if I looked back at some of the ealry posting I will find my the answer to that mystery too.
God has been doing a work in my heart son, you would be glad if you were able to. I know there are no tears or sorrow in heaven but I wonder if when good things happen you know!!! hummm, something to ponder.
I love you so much sweet boy, and I miss you a lot today.
I am sending a long a photo of our beautiful snow covered willow out front. It is so beautiful when covered with know.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My Beautiful Nick
Christmas 2007, Moma and Nicholas
Hi sweet son,
I have missed you A LOT today...
I still cry EVERYDAY over losing you. I cry everyday even when I tell myself I'm not gonna cry today, or I'm gonna keep focused on so much today and busy that time will go by quicker. Then it will be evening and I can stay busy with dinner, the kids, chores!!! But no, it doesn't work that way, and time still goes by so slowly, and time doesn't take away the pain. And time doesn't heal any wound...but Jesus can! Time is just that...time.
It seems that the longest I can go without being filled with "great sorrow" over losing you and not having you in my life, is 2 days. It has only been just a little more than a year, I need to believe that it will get different. Easier? I don't think so, different...yea! After 2 days I become greatly overwhelmed, extremely sad, lonely for you, and terribly burdened from losing you. Then I break down all over again. I don't know how much a body can take with this kind of stress and grief. I don't know how much a mind can handle all the horrible thoughts, good and bad memories, feeling of dieing because my son is dead. I really do not! I guess I'm about to find out though, and I guess I've been living it now for 14 months...unbelievable. My body hurts and aches sometimes so bad from the grief ( it's hard work to grieve) I have to take, muscle relaxers, a hot tub and get a message in order to release the tension and stress that gets built up. I am trying to pay attention to my body throughout the day, and notice when I am tense, so I can relax. I realize now, I have had to tell myself relax over 20 times a day!!! That is pathetic. But I am doing it, because I think it will help at the end of the day. I pray to God it does.
I realize too, that I am learning to live with the fact that I am Never gonna get over this. Because you know what son, I trick myself into thinking I will one day, and I try to tell myself I'm not gonna grieve over you today!!! Can you believe I do that?! Like I can control the natural grieving process at all, let alone that of losing my child.
What I do have control over is what I choose to dwell on. I will always think about you, dream of you, wish for you, miss you, want you and cry over losing you, but I can also think about all the good times ( and there were WAY more good times than not so good, beautiful and great memories with you and of you). 25 AMAZING years. You did fill my heart, soul and LIFE with so much Joy and Love Nick, that I know it will be those (2) gifts that you gave to moma, that will ultimately see me THROUGH this horrible night mare. And I can look at pictures of you and videos, it is so Bittersweet. I enjoy them, but find myself wanting you even more than before I got started watching or looking through them. In videos I get to see you "LIVE" and hear your voice and watch your personality unfold before me. Pictures, sometimes comforting and sometimes they bring me to tears. One pictures holds a thousand memories...literally. With each photo of you it is a moment in time captured on paper. But for me it is a lifetime of love in my heart, because I lived that picture. They tell a story of the entire reason for wanting the picture in the first place. Oh my Nick, you stole my heart son from the very moment I saw you. You are so beautiful. I am so thankful for every single photo that I have of you. With each one I can relive that moment or weekend of camping, or graduation, or birthday party, or first hair cut or Christmas. That is the well that I will draw from, the love and memories of your love and life I hold forever, "within" me. I love you, and I thank you for making my life more beautiful and joyful Nicholas James Devine.
Oh my beautiful Nicholas...son I miss you....
I just miss you so much and it cannot be explained.
It's getting to be evening again. In the beginning I didn't sleep for days at a time, and so when I did finally fall out I was exhausted and mindless. NUMB. In the first few months Every night and Every morning was the same...DEVASTATINGLY PAINFUL. After about 6 months, my meds would make me sleep, half numb and exhausted from grieving, I would finally lay down. Then the mornings came. The moment I knew I had woken, I began to cry, with my whole body, from deep within. Gut wrenching sobs, tears of my beautiful son, who was gone!!! I think I was in shock Nick for nearly 11 months. Meaning I could not STILL at that time REALLY believe, you were really gone. Even though I saw felt your motionless body, and saw your face so still and kissed you good-bye for now, my mind would not accept your mortality. It simply rejected that one thought immediately. And it still tries to sneak in there. Today I believe it did that so I too (as I know you died of a broken heart) would not die of a broken heart. It is still so hard day and night, but my nights are harder, something about the sun setting and you not in my life is more piercing than the calm sound of Mornings. I am now reminded that Greg and Journey await me and are here and they need me, love me, want me. So I get up and I put on music, drink something and kiss your picture as I am saying "I love you son, I miss you Nicholas. Then I tell Jesus I love him. I do say my prayers again, and I pray specific ones for G, J & L and my pos/sos groups, my family and friends. Then, It is all up in the air from there. My day now belongs to God. It feels good to talk to God again and not be angry with Him. It feels good to pray, be still and wait for Him to love on me and feel it. He has never stopped loving me or loving on me, but I can say I haven't always felt it because of my pain and anger.
I was so angry with God in the beginning, I didn't pray and I didn't rely on Him for strength. I know it was the prayers of many that gave me the strength and will to get up one more day and live...live without you. Now that I have some strength and hope of going on, I can pray for myself, my family and others again. I loved praying and reading His word Nick, you know that. I was so hurt and so angry that I couldn't even talk to God. I was mad at Him, you, me, your Dad and many others. Today, I have just asked God for forgiveness and to forgive. It's better this way, I can try and recreate our lives, I say recreate because I am not the same person, we are not the same family as we were before you died. Forever changed is true, but It can't stop there, I must rediscover, recreate, rebuild, redesign the canvas of my heart, the tapestry of our very lives. It is different, so it will feel, sound and look different too. Wonder what it's gonna look like a year from now son. Only God knows that. But I do know this, today I can be willing to heal, willing to try again, to be happy and dare to give life a chance.
I miss you son, there is no doubt about that. I will always feel this part of me, my heart (you) is missing, because you died physically, and therefore I will miss you being here with me. But there is also that part of my heart (you) that has been "with" me from the moment I knew I was gonna have you, that still and always will be "with" me. Forever you are in my heart... I just miss seeing you everyday, talking to you, loving you "Oh", loving you! Hearing your laugh, feeling your hugs, and having fun with you are all my favorite things about you. Besides your beautiful heart, sense of humor, wit, gorgeous eyes that made me always love and forgive you, your smile that melted my heart and soften me, your love for animals and your compassionate heart for another human being. Nick, I don't think I have met another human being with more compassion and passion, than YOU. Not yet and if I do, they better be prepared to be sized up and with you. I honestly do not know if we get to love, know or meet very many people like you Nick in a life time, that LOVE as much, as deep and as complete as you did. I am forever grateful that I loved you, knew you and yes met you. Not only did I get to meet you, but God thought "I" would be the best moma for you, so He made you mine! Now that is bittersweet, more sweet than bitter. Thank you Lord for giving me Nick for the time that you did. I do appreciate it. I was and always will be HONORED to be Nicholas James Devine's MOMA~
Well, as you can see my son, I have missed you, missed writing you, missed you & missed you. I need to say sweet dreams and I love you son. So, "Sweet Dreams" and " I love you" son. I miss you so much handsome Nick. I love you my Nick, Nick always and forever.
I love you more ~moma~
Good Morning Son
Just for today I will forgive the people who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.They truly did not know how.
Hi my beautiful Nick,
I miss you baby, I love you.
There is so much snow on the ground:) It's so pretty. I think It's gonna snow for awhile, It makes for scary driving though.
Well, Lloyd will be going to Texas for 4-6 weeks to work on a crane there for Ron, then he will return stay 2 weeks then go to Kaywajalin islands for 2 months. It is good, because he isn't going to the dam this season, they waited too long, now it's closed for winter. I don't like it when he's away like that, but honestly, I have gotten used to it. He leaves Sun night.
Journey is working hard preparing for her first competition in Florida, they will also go to Disney World, she is gonna love that. I took them to Disney Land with Uncle "D" remember, they were 8&9 old enough to remember, but now she gets to see Disney World at 14. Wow!!! I'm so excited for her.
I better get going son. I have lots to do today. Greg just got home, he spent the night at a friends. Journey is at her friends and will be home soon too.
I love you so much sweet boy, I miss you unimaginably so.
I love you more ~moma~
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sweet son,
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared
Good morning my sweet son, I miss you and I love you so much. There are some things that are changing for me, revelations I am having through my rough spots, and through reading books on suicide, they are all good changes...but so very painful. They are profound in their meaning and purpose and necessary to walk through this path hourly, that I have been thrust onto.
I have started the last 2 days out with Praise and Worship music, it also has been helpful and sets my mind in a different place. I start my class (sos) in Jan and know it too will be an amazing piece of recovery for healing, and much needed.
I will write less about my "Crazies" here, as I have decided to journal them personally and privately on paper. I am gonna start focusing mainly on my recovery and healing daily as I write you, for I believe it is healthier for me, and a good place to start.
I will still write you everyday, as this is my place of solace and peace, where I come to meet with you in my heart and share it with you. I will always share my heart with you my beautiful Nick, and write you because it has been my way of dealing with things that hurt or bother me my whole life through, why would I stop now?! It has been my therapy.
I miss you so very much, and though my resources for healing, IE: POS support group, reading books written on suicide, my class SOS starting up, and writing to you is helpful and it is getting better to cope with and deal with your death, my pain seems to be deeper!!! I know you may not understand that, neither do I, I just know that the way I am seeing your death and the aftermath of your suicide is changing in a way that is good. I can't say it is getting easier yet, but I can say I am willing to heal.
I have my special time set aside daily for "YOU" and then I will focus on Greg, Journey, Lloyd and myself throughout the rest of the day. I am doing more with them in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. I have been "present" mentally, emotionally, physically for them and it feels so good. It has been so difficult to explain, understand, and live with your death. It is so complicated and painful, most don't and won't ever understand my feelings and thoughts, and the behavior I have, and it is okay. I am not alone, for that I am grateful, but we (SOS & POS) are in a very unique class. One I wouldn't wish upon the person I dislike the most in the world. It is almost more than one's own soul can bare. One day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time, I will walk this path, and as the road bends and turns so will I, for If I don't I will crash, burn and die.
This is what I know for today. When the road bends so must I.
That I love you more than ever before. That my pain of losing you is deeper than ever before. That my love for you is stonger than the sting of your death. That I am not alone. That I don't have to have others understand me, that helping others understand suicide and those who attempt and complete it is more important. And, that my hope IS IN THE LORD...that I will see you again someday in heaven.
I love you more than it is possible to describe. I love you deeper than I knew it was possible. I know that my hurt is so deep because my love for you is so deep!!! So, I respect my pain today where I never could before, I respect it because I understand it better, my hurt comes from a place of LOVE not shame, guilt, anger or even death itself, but from love. To hurt so deeply, is to love so deeply. Though my pain is so great, I will never regret loving you as I did...completely, unconditionally, deeply, and forever!!!
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I miss you way up to the sky and back. I love to the end of the world, and there is no end.
I love you more ~moma~
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared
Good morning my sweet son, I miss you and I love you so much. There are some things that are changing for me, revelations I am having through my rough spots, and through reading books on suicide, they are all good changes...but so very painful. They are profound in their meaning and purpose and necessary to walk through this path hourly, that I have been thrust onto.
I have started the last 2 days out with Praise and Worship music, it also has been helpful and sets my mind in a different place. I start my class (sos) in Jan and know it too will be an amazing piece of recovery for healing, and much needed.
I will write less about my "Crazies" here, as I have decided to journal them personally and privately on paper. I am gonna start focusing mainly on my recovery and healing daily as I write you, for I believe it is healthier for me, and a good place to start.
I will still write you everyday, as this is my place of solace and peace, where I come to meet with you in my heart and share it with you. I will always share my heart with you my beautiful Nick, and write you because it has been my way of dealing with things that hurt or bother me my whole life through, why would I stop now?! It has been my therapy.
I miss you so very much, and though my resources for healing, IE: POS support group, reading books written on suicide, my class SOS starting up, and writing to you is helpful and it is getting better to cope with and deal with your death, my pain seems to be deeper!!! I know you may not understand that, neither do I, I just know that the way I am seeing your death and the aftermath of your suicide is changing in a way that is good. I can't say it is getting easier yet, but I can say I am willing to heal.
I have my special time set aside daily for "YOU" and then I will focus on Greg, Journey, Lloyd and myself throughout the rest of the day. I am doing more with them in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. I have been "present" mentally, emotionally, physically for them and it feels so good. It has been so difficult to explain, understand, and live with your death. It is so complicated and painful, most don't and won't ever understand my feelings and thoughts, and the behavior I have, and it is okay. I am not alone, for that I am grateful, but we (SOS & POS) are in a very unique class. One I wouldn't wish upon the person I dislike the most in the world. It is almost more than one's own soul can bare. One day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time, I will walk this path, and as the road bends and turns so will I, for If I don't I will crash, burn and die.
This is what I know for today. When the road bends so must I.
That I love you more than ever before. That my pain of losing you is deeper than ever before. That my love for you is stonger than the sting of your death. That I am not alone. That I don't have to have others understand me, that helping others understand suicide and those who attempt and complete it is more important. And, that my hope IS IN THE LORD...that I will see you again someday in heaven.
I love you more than it is possible to describe. I love you deeper than I knew it was possible. I know that my hurt is so deep because my love for you is so deep!!! So, I respect my pain today where I never could before, I respect it because I understand it better, my hurt comes from a place of LOVE not shame, guilt, anger or even death itself, but from love. To hurt so deeply, is to love so deeply. Though my pain is so great, I will never regret loving you as I did...completely, unconditionally, deeply, and forever!!!
I will write you later my sweet Nick. I miss you way up to the sky and back. I love to the end of the world, and there is no end.
I love you more ~moma~
Monday, December 28, 2009
You came to see me again
Good early morning son 4:47 am Christmas morning
Hi My beautiful Son,
I went to sleep before 10 pm, which was great,but guess what You, Shelby and Jess came to see me in my dreams again, you came take a Christmas picture for me. Llody said I started talking in sleep. you had a happy, beautiful face. I woke up at 2 am, and I sad yoou looked so handsome son, and you had Shelby, she had a happy pretty face & beautiful smile. I told Lloyd that I would send you a picture when I got them developed....I have no idea how I'm gonna work that out but I'm sure God will help me. I am just so excited and greatful that you came to see me the night before Christmas and you had Shelby with you and Jess was there too. It was awesome. Thank you son. You are at such peace, I cannot ask for more. I will do my best at getting you a picture okay.
I am so very best son tha you came to me and brought Shelby with you. I am beyond blessed this Christmas morning. You were all so happy, and together again, it was beautiful. It was as if you never left us.
Merry Christmas son, Merry Chrismas ShelbyPaige.
I will write you later today my Beautiful Boy. Thank you for the "Dream Visit" on Christmas morning, what a joy, what a blessing and the best gift I could have ever received this chritmas:)
I love you more sweet son. I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi My beautiful Son,
I went to sleep before 10 pm, which was great,but guess what You, Shelby and Jess came to see me in my dreams again, you came take a Christmas picture for me. Llody said I started talking in sleep. you had a happy, beautiful face. I woke up at 2 am, and I sad yoou looked so handsome son, and you had Shelby, she had a happy pretty face & beautiful smile. I told Lloyd that I would send you a picture when I got them developed....I have no idea how I'm gonna work that out but I'm sure God will help me. I am just so excited and greatful that you came to see me the night before Christmas and you had Shelby with you and Jess was there too. It was awesome. Thank you son. You are at such peace, I cannot ask for more. I will do my best at getting you a picture okay.
I am so very best son tha you came to me and brought Shelby with you. I am beyond blessed this Christmas morning. You were all so happy, and together again, it was beautiful. It was as if you never left us.
Merry Christmas son, Merry Chrismas ShelbyPaige.
I will write you later today my Beautiful Boy. Thank you for the "Dream Visit" on Christmas morning, what a joy, what a blessing and the best gift I could have ever received this chritmas:)
I love you more sweet son. I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~
Nicholas
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Good morning my beautiful son,
Wow!!! The surprising blanket of snow on the ground this morning is beautiful, my my, what a beautiful display! Something only God can do. The snow is falling at a calm but steady pace. Greg and Journey are still nestled in bed. I get up early and let the dogs out, but today I didn't let them out til 9, so I don't know when it started snowing, but it sure is pretty. Tell God Thank you, we love the snow, it always reminds me of you though!!! I have several beautiful memories of you, Greg & Journey in the snow, you all love it so much. I like to watch it fall, and I love the way it looks outside too, it's so pretty. I remember taking the 3 wheelers, sleds and dogs out to many a side roads with you kids and having a great ole' time :) I remember seeing the surprised looks on your faces when you would wake up in the morning and find that it had snowed, I couldn't help you guy's find your snow boots, hats and gloves fast enough, so you could get out the door:) You guy's would slide in it, make snow balls and build snowman, what great memories:) I love thinking about those times. So, I think I'll hold that thought and those memories close for right now, and go get the dishes done.
I Love you...I Miss you son.
I will always love and miss you son.
I love you more ~moma~
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Nick,
Hi sweet boy,
Journey and I had a great time together. We went to the mall, and went to several stores, Vanity, Clair's, Old Navy...we picked out clothes she tried things on, and got a few cute things. She looked at wallets but decided the one she has is fine for now and opted to get more clothes. It was fun and then we went to B&N and got a Frappacinno, your Dad gave her and Greg $15.00 gift cards for Christmas, that was very sweet of your Dad. Thanks Mike:)
After we went shopping and hung out for a couple hours, I took her to the Bethel Church parking lot and let her drive around for a bit then I let her drive around in the neighborhood for a while. She did a great job, she will start D.E. in March, so we'll be taking her out driving a lot more the next couple of months.
I am so glad we went out today, she is beautiful.
Greg and Lloyd spent most the day together too, they worked on the car and went to Pamela's and helped get her car going again.
We are doing Lego's again tonight :) it has been good hanging out together doing "normal" things. It feels awkward, but right and it feels good to be in the moment with G&J and Lloyd.
Just wanted to share with you Nick, that we had a good day.
I miss you and love you so much son.
Sweet Dreams, sweet son, I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
Journey and I had a great time together. We went to the mall, and went to several stores, Vanity, Clair's, Old Navy...we picked out clothes she tried things on, and got a few cute things. She looked at wallets but decided the one she has is fine for now and opted to get more clothes. It was fun and then we went to B&N and got a Frappacinno, your Dad gave her and Greg $15.00 gift cards for Christmas, that was very sweet of your Dad. Thanks Mike:)
After we went shopping and hung out for a couple hours, I took her to the Bethel Church parking lot and let her drive around for a bit then I let her drive around in the neighborhood for a while. She did a great job, she will start D.E. in March, so we'll be taking her out driving a lot more the next couple of months.
I am so glad we went out today, she is beautiful.
Greg and Lloyd spent most the day together too, they worked on the car and went to Pamela's and helped get her car going again.
We are doing Lego's again tonight :) it has been good hanging out together doing "normal" things. It feels awkward, but right and it feels good to be in the moment with G&J and Lloyd.
Just wanted to share with you Nick, that we had a good day.
I miss you and love you so much son.
Sweet Dreams, sweet son, I will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
I love you son
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive the people
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would have done it.
Just for today I will honour my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much
Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to smile,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive the people
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would have done it.
Just for today I will honour my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much
Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to smile,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
I love you
The way I choose to see you today in my mind, happy, having fun and free.
I love you son, and wanted to say good morning.
Today I am going to the mall with Journey girl. Greg and LLoyd are gonna work on the CRX's.
I miss you madly and will write you later.
I love you more ~moma~
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