HELLOOOOO, sweet boy!!!

Journey, Danni and Wiley. Kent WA first comp. of the season. They took 1st Place, yeaa! 1-9-10

Nicholas.
I missed writing you Friday night beacause Journey and I drove to Kent WA, for her very first cheer competition, and we left Friday morning at 9. And guess what son???Yep, you guested it, they took "FIRST"Place:) Yipeeeeeee. They sure did Nick. Elite Force Cheer Rocks!!! There are diferent levels and divisions, pee-wees-senoirs levels 1-4. Journey's team is the top of the crop, a level 4, senior team. Elite Force also had an 4 girl stunt group, and they took first place too, it was so awesome. It's also your Aunt Kim's 49 Birthday. We called and sang Happy Birthday to her when we got home, it made her cry...
Nick you would have been so stinking proud of your little sister, she hit every stunt, every tumbling pass, and every basket. It was so awesome. At the end of the routine, journey does and "Express up scale" she's runs and jumps into her bases hands, they lift her in the air holding her up by only one foot, Journey throws her other leg into the air, grabs it with her left hand then sticks her right hand staight out then turns her head to the crowd and smiles. She stuck it!!!, It was so freakin awesome Nick. She was so proud of herself, so proud and I told her she should be, she came and gave me the biggest hug, and again out by the concession stand she gave me another hug and said, I'm so [roud of myself moma, and I told her good you should be, you did GREAT!!!
So, we were gone all day yesterday and they performed today at 1:15, we did the awards and got on the road at 3:30, the pass was clear and we got home about 7. I missed Greg I hadn't seen him in 2 days. I told him I missed you son, and Greg said, I missed you to mom. it made me feel good. He was lonely, cuz we were gone and Daddy is in Atlanta Ga. He flew to Chili tonight for 1 week. He will go back to Tex on the 16th. He should be home in a month, we miss him like crazy too.
Anyway Nick I have to tell you something son! I missed you yesterday and today, but I also must say that I had such a good day yesterday and today with Journey, that my heart wasn't depressed or deeply sad yesterday or today. I went to sleep last night by 10:00 and woke up focused on Journey and "BEING" there for "HER".
So I'm writing you now kiddo. I know you would have wanted me to have a good time with Journey and guess what, we had a great time. On the way up there we stopped at Snoqualmie Falls, it was so beautiful. We shopped a little, had a great road trip and great company.
I missed you, but my heart wasn't so broken today, I felt for the "FIRST" time Nick my soul was happy again and at peace. I pray for another good day tomorrow.
I miss you sweet boy, and I love you more and more and more.
I will send a picture of journey you ready here it comes.
I will write you later, okay.
I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas,

"Sweet Dreams my Beautiful Son, Nicholas James Devine"

I miss you..

I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas Sweet Nicholas

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when you did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make my life worthwhile once more. I love you baby, I miss you so much Nick. With Lloyd being gone I do feel more alone. They are flying him to Chili in the morning for a week, so he'll be even further from me, but It doesn't matter how far he is, it's the fact that he isn't here everyday and night for that daily support in person.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.

I start my class on Mon. It will be a good thing, I want to be better, and happy again, whole, and healed. I want to laugh again and not feel guilty, or angry because it was denied you. I want to "LIVE" not just survive, I want to thrive and feel alive again! The healing is coming.

I am discovering that everyday a fragment of healing comes into my life, and I don't always see it that day because it is so small, but when I add a few days up I can see a blessing, something that helped, or know there has been a shift in this thing "they" call the grieving process. Though it is painful and difficult to walk through my days, I do know that by doing it "one day at a time", sometimes one momenet at a time, there is hope for a better day, for healing, a new word from God, a mended relationship, a blessing unseen or.... something. Something "NEW" something beautiful, something to be grateful for.

I miss your sweetness, your voice, your love, your smell, your hugs....I miss kissing you and being kissed by you!!! I miss you so, so, so very much:(

I love you more ~moma~

Nicholas,

Just for today I will allow myself to smile,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, day!!!

I love you more ~moma~

Sweet Dreams

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.

I love you my sweet angel boy, I miss you terribly today. I will write you later.

I love you more ~moma~

Just for today when my heart is breaking,
I will stop, and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the reason I hurt so much is because
I had the privilege of loving " You" so much!!!

Nick, do you hear me???

Part of me is fighting this...part of me is gone. I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind. It gets hard but it "death" won't take away my love. Your not gone, your still here, when I close my eyes, I still see you, I still feel you, and we'll never be apart. All my life you'll be in my life, all my life you will live in my heart. you live on. Because of "YOU" Nick, I know how it feels to be loved, as you loved me like no other. You made me feel beautiful, because you said I was!!! I miss you like a crazed & wild animal today.
Lord help me

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Good morning my sweet Nicholas James.

I love you sweet son, I miss you so much.

This is all I can get out right now!!!
Today I can taste the tears of missing you with every breath I take, and I can feel them rattle before my next heartbeat...I miss you so...

God save me today from the depths of this overwhelming deep sadness and indescribable longing for my Nicholas, and restore my peace.

Love, your daughter, Tina.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you more ~moma~

Hi sweet Nick

Just for today I will honour my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Hi my beautiful son,

Well, Lloyd is gone only a day and I already feel alone, and the extra responsibility of taking care of the house, the kids, the animals, the bills etc. I've done it before plenty of times, but it is just still such a fragile time for me.

So, Journey had another night mare last night about her and I, dang devil...go away!!! I pray with her and for her and Greg both everyday, guess I need to pray more. She didn't go to sleep until after 4 am, I felt so bad for her. She was

really missing "you" like crazy last night, then with her Dad leaving for work to Tex. just put her into a frenzy, she got scared all over again that one of her family was leaving town and something might happen. She has had that fear since what happened to Shelby then you. So, she came in and slept with me the rest of the morning and missed school. It's ok though she is doing fine and her grades are great still. She just needs to sleep a good 8 hours a night that will help with her mood and thinking. I am looking into counseling for her, she is willing and I am so glad. Your Dad and I start our grief class on suicide next Mon.

So I took her to cheer tonight and stayed the whole time she liked that:) They have their first competition this sat in Kent, right next to Federal Way, where she was born at St. Francis hospital. We will drive up Friday morning stay the night then come home after they take 1st place in their division:)

Greg will stay with a friend Friday night. He is doing good. He tends to get a little more manly like when dad's not around, looking after sis and I. It is a good thing, he is such a good boy and very protective. But he still knows moma is in charge, and is very much a teenager, so it's all good. He helps out a lot with the things that Lloyd would do if he were here.

We went shopping us 3 and had pizza for dinner. The kids are in bed now, and it's getting late so I'd better say good night sweet boy.

I miss you to the ends of the earth...it's not fair that you aren't here, it's just not right. I miss you so much...hourly, daily still!!!

I will write you later son.

I love you more ~moma~

Just for today son,

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save you from death,
I would have done it.

Nicholas, I love you sweet boy, I miss you so.

Today I have something special in my heart just for you.

For my Sweet Nicholas James Devine:

Today I see you as light and love,
Today I see you as an angel above,
Today I see you as happy and free,
Today I see you here with me.
Today I hear your voice so clear,
Today you tell me, moma I'm near.
Today I feel your presence so real,
Today I'm assured my heart will heal.
Today I have hope and faith anew,
Today I know my heart is true.
Today I consider myself so blessed,
Today my heart can be at rest.
Today I know you are at peace,
Today my worry I release.
Today I know I'll see you again,
Today I know your love, will forever remain.

Written by; Tina Louise Pielstick ~moma~
Jan - 3rd - 2010 for my beautiful Angel Boy.

Nicholas James Devine
Sunrise- 8/24/83
Sunset- 10/23/08