Hi Sweet Son,

Journey & Greg Bellvue cheer competition 1-30-10. It was awesome!!!

Hi baby,
Well me Greg, Journey, Zoe and Rowan all drove up to Bothel today to Melissa and Tim's. We brought the girls up here to stay with Mel for the week, so we will be driving home without them. it was a fun trip up, and the girls...oh my goodness Nick. Zoe is so very much and she is funny as hell too. Rowan is absolutely adorable, she is so big now. She is speaking very well, in short sentences. She has such a cute personality too. We love them so much, blessed to have them in our lives.
We brought Mel's baby shower gifts up too, her shower was last weekend. We couldn't make it though because of all the expenses with Journey cheer and we took a vacation to Cali too.
About Journey's cheer. Their performance was absolutely "PERFECT" tonight. They performed better than have EVER performed before. They were completely in sync, tumbling was perfect and on time, their pyramids were right on, no one fell or missed a beat. It was BEAUTIFUL. When they were all done we meet with her coach in the corner and she said this about their performance..." In all my 23 years of coaching I have never seen or had a better performance from any of my teams..ever" Now that was a very profound statement. Everyone was all smiles and crying and happy. It was so good son, wish you were here. I know you are proud of her:)
They have one more performance tomorrow at 3 pm. Then they will announce the winners and standings. Send your prayers babe:)
I miss you son, I miss you always. I wanted to call my mom today when it was over, I miss her so very much too. Tell Nana all about it, okay?) I know you will.
Well, I will write you tomorrow sweet son. I love you my Beautiful Boy.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you more ~moma~

Nick, Nick

I love you my sweet boy, I miss you so much.

I had a very interesting conversation with an old teacher of yours today, it was awesome. WOW!!! magical Nicholas, just Magical.

I will write about it in the am, as I am doing laundry, and packing for the weekend for Seattle. I can't wait to tell you the story. Part of me just wants to keep it and not share it with the world...or whoever looks at this, because it is so STINKIN SPECIAL and PRECIOUS. The teacher loved you and cared about you and he told me today, I WILL NEVER FORGET NICK DEVINE. He was SMART, very SMART. God, my heart just melted. That is EXACTLY what SHELIA DAVIDSON said about you my son, my precious son. That she WILL NEVER FORGET NICK DEVINE. She said, " I have met thousands of kids, and every once in awhile I will meet one that just steals my heart away, Nicholas was one of those kids," She also loved you and cared about you. She said Nick was a great kid. She also said when you went to talk to her that you talked a lot about me "Your Moma" and how much you loved me:) And you also talked about your baby sister, and how much you loved her. She said you mention Gregory too and that you loved your little brother and sister very much. Crying now thinking about how beautiful it was that you touched their lives in such a way, that they would recall who you were and take time out of their lives to share with me, precious memories about "You". My heart is so FULL of love today, my cup runneth over, and over and over. Nick you were 13 yrs old and they still remember "YOU" and the stories as if they happened yesterday. It warms my heart to no end son. Crying...tears of love & joy.

You certainly were an amazing, smart, lovable baby, child, teen, young man and adult. I miss you Nick. I miss you as my son and I miss you as my friend. I miss you, I miss you.....I miss you:(

You were a Beautiful Human Being!!!

I love you more ~moma~

I love you Nicholas

This was you back in Middle school, good looking boy, and so much fun moma~

Hi My Beautiful Boy,
I miss you sweet son, I miss your smile, your love for me, your presence, your laugh, your beautiful eyes, and your hugs.
It's seems like everyday no matter what I have the beautiful opportunity to speak to someone about my beautiful boy who has gone on to heaven before me. Today when I speak of you it seems that I am able to remember more about your wonderful 25 years here on earth with us as opposed to just remembering your death and passing:) It is so good to have all the wonderful years of your life flooding my memory now, because before all i could think about was that you had died and how sad i was because of it. I am sad that you are no longer with me, but today it is so wonderful to also be able to speak of how much joy and love you gave while you were here.
yesterday was another busy day trying to get all the things done around here before Journey's next competition. Laundry, packing, setting up a house and dog sitter, running errands and taking care of all the loose ends before we go.
I haven't left the house for a few days now except to get a few things from the store, and I haven't found a penny or feather for a while. But last night as I stood out back for a few minutes looking up to the sky, I had this overwhelming feeling deep within that something wonderful was gonna be returned to me that was yours. I can't seem to shake that feeling. So I wait in great excitement and anticipation of what will be.
I am going to share something very special with you now that came to me in am email from one of your old teachers back in the 8Th grade when you were a student at Carmichael middle school. I remember you being in a class where the teacher was supposed to teach a few of you kids that beat to your own drum "how to behave in class. But as it turned out, he ending up loving all you kids in his "Breakfast Club" and didn't want to give you back. He did allow you to be exactly who you were, what a great man. I wish there were more teachers like him in this world, more kids would be better off and go on to turn out to be great young adults, like you son. Mr. Neidhold is now a Richland High school L.A. teacher, Greg had him last semester, and didn't make the connection of you and him being brother until just this week. So here it is. When I read this email, I laughed and cried tears of love.
From Mr. Mike Neidhold:

I think of Nick…and I smile. I had him in the 8th grade at Carmichael…we had a “special” class of young boys who couldn't’t seem to behave in class. The other 8th grade teachers gave them to me and I was supposed to make it so miserable for these boys that they would go back to their original class and behave…just the opposite happened. We came to really respect each other, we made a community in that class, and Nick was a valued member of that crew. I am not kidding, these kids were tough, and all they wanted was someone to believe in them and give them a chance in class at being who they were, not something they were not.

I often speak about my “Breakfast Club” kids at meetings and at seminars I am asked to present. I always think of Nick…we had like 6 of us in there…we ended up running that school…such great memories for me…and the foundation for my classroom today….Nick was proof that you never give up on a kid…ever.

Funny that I just made the connection yesterday, Greg has been in my class a whole semester, and on the last day, I figure it out. Greg has passed our class…he has control of his portfolio, so ask him about that. I keep generic papers in my room…like book reports and such…safe papers if you will…the tough ones belong to the kids, as they keep them pretty safe.

The next time you are in the halls of RHS, stop by and I’ll share a funny story about Nick, thinking about it right now makes me smile!!
Peace to you.
Neid.
My response to his email:
Okay, now you did it!!! I read your email and cried and cried as the story began to unfold and reveal the character that Nick was at that age:)
Tears, tears, tears....He was my "Rebel Boy", but he was still a good boy. Maybe some day I can share with you a little more. He was always pushing the envelope to the edge, but never quite over it. Until that fateful day on Oct. 23rd 2008, when he pushed it to the point of no return:( A day I (Greg & Journey) shall never forget, as we will surely never forget "Our" Nicholas James. He was a unique child. He was very loved, well liked, and was a content and bright baby. I was all of 19 when I first set eyes on this Beautiful Human being, it was love at first touch and sight.
I know I probably shared more than you care to know, sorry!!! It just came out.
What I want to say to you is, THANK YOU for sharing the story of Nicholas with me, it means more to me than you will EVER know...truly. I can't wait to come visit you so you can tell me about the other "funny" story of my sweet boy.
He really did just want those teachers to believe in him, more than that though, he wanted them to "ACCEPT" him for who he was.Sometimes teachers can just be plan mean, uncaring and strict, you seem to have made a good connection with these boys,kudos to you. he was always loved and accepted at home, I loved him the most and with great passion and unconditional love. To me he was perfectly normal, and brought me much joy and could always make me laugh. He always reminded me of an "older soul" if you will. He seemed bored with school after about the 10thTh grade.He ended up being an "Honor Roll" student in 9th and 10th grade, then he wanted to move on with his life. So he took his GED and passed with flying colors and with great ease. He then began his apprenticeship in carpentry, just like his Father. He had a great teacher in 6Th grade, Mrs. Brazier, she was a heavy set African American woman, very sweet woman. I think that was her name, in Federal Way WA. She loved him and Accepted him. I remember she once sent me a note home that said, Nicholas had the most beautiful penmanship in her whole class. My face just beamed. The note was actually written to Nick but sent to his parents. He was so proud of himself, and we were proud of him too, and he knew it.
I guess I could share about my Nick to you...forever. So I'll stop there.
Thank you Mike. Your email made my day. I will be in touch.
Thanks again, have a great weekend.
~Tina, Proud Moma of Nick~
:

I love you My Beautiful Boy

My awesome Joy!!!

I love you Nicholas

I love you babe, I miss you still...always will.
I am making a Pot Roast tonight for dinner, of course mashed potatoes and gravy too. It's still one of our favorites, you can thank your Nana for that:)
I have been reading a lot. I am giving my sorrow up. I am choosing life Nick, not sorrow, I am choosing love Nick, not hurt, I am choosing light Nick, not darkness. I want my life back and I don't want to allow satan, sorrow or suicide to steal another precious breath from me. I will celebrate your LIFE, I will remember YOU with LIGHT, and Hold your LOVE in my heart with JOY, not sadness.
I love you sweet son, forever in Moma's heart, forever my boy.
I love you more ~moma~

I love you son,

I am getting ready to go to my grief class, and I will write you later when I get home, okay. I miss you sweet boy, I love you more forever and ever,.
I love you more ~moma~
Hi sweet boy,
Well my class went well again, it has been very good for moma. I am just know accepting the fact that I will always grieve over losing you, but that I can go on living with that grief. I am learning how to live with the grieve and learning how to express it in a healthy way, so it doesn't stay contained within my heart and soul, making me sick. I have been sick, heart sick over losing you. I know I will never Fully stop grieving over losing you, but I believe I can and will one day be able to laugh, love and live again and not let that grief overtake me or my life. I know you would want me to laugh, love and live again too. You will ALWAYS be a part of my life, always in my heart and forever loved and missed by moma. I miss you so much right now, and I still cry everyday for you. but I have opened my heart to receive healing, because I don't want to live heart sick for the rest of my life. but I still do miss you all the time and I miss you with all that I am. i really do baby, miss you with all that I am. I can't wait til that day that I will see you, hug you and hold you again in my arms, and it will be forever son.
i love you with all that I am.
After my class I went to watch Journey's cheer. We came home and watched a little T.V. and now I am on the computer.
I have found a really good group on line that has been a wonderful support to me. it is all parents who have lost a child or children to suicide.
After I complete my grief class I am going to get involved in suicide prevention. I met a lady on POS that lives in Hermiston who's son died by suicide Aug27Th of 09. We are gonna meet up some time soon. She has a daughter the same age as Journey, who also likes forensics, so they already have 2 things in common that they love, their brothers and forensics.
I better say good night sweet son. I love you so much Nick, Nick.
i will write you later,
Love hugs and 3 kisses my Beautiful Boy.
I love you more ~moma~

NICHOLAS,

Sweet Dreams sweet son

I love you my Beautiful Boy ~moma~