I love you Beautiful son,
Hi baby,
Well today we start another "new" year. All the Christmas things are still up but they are coming down tomorrow. We are gonna go through all our Christmas things and get rid of what we don't use year after year but continue to store. I already gave some things away, but we still have more than we need or can use. We took you and Shelby a new years gift yesterday. I'm getting low on candles so I better go get some soon. I light them everyday for you and for those on pos whose moms have a child with a B-day or memorial date.
Lloyd leaves for Texas Sunday, so we are having family time tonight and cleaning up all the Christmas stuff tomorrow, then we'll probably watch a couple movies. But we decided we were gonna leave our blue and white lights on our blooming pear tree out front.
The kids start school Monday, then I am gonna work on getting my living room back in order, it has been in dissaray since you left me sweetheart. It has just been so hard to move anything of yours out of there, and get motivated. But now since the kids will be back in school and LLoyd being gone I will use that alone time to get our home back in order.
I miss you sweet Nick. But I wanna share something really cool that happened to me.
On the 22nd of Dec. I had a bad case of missing you, it lasted til the 28th. Even though you came to me in my dreams twice in one week, which was great, I still had a Tidal Wave hit me...hard. I was not doing good at all, not feeling at all sane and not wanted to do anything but be with you, see you, and have you back with me in my arms...again.
I got in a really bad funk 3 days before Christmas and I was scared for myself, it was a big bad Tidal Wave. I was full aware that it was gonna be 14 months on the 23rd for you being gone when all this started on the 22nd. I had court on the 23rd and was not looking forward to it, (court went great though). And I knew Christmas was poking it's head around the corner. The first Christmas you were gone I (we) were all still in so much pain and in a fog that I didn't even want to think about that day coming, knowing you would not be in it with us was unthinkable, let alone getting through it. It was so hard and horrible.
So here I had Greg & Journey waiting for Christmas morning to get here and yet all I could do was miss you and cry, and feel like a vegetable, numb yet in great despair, pain and disbelief. But they too were sad and numb that first Christmas morning, because they knew their brother wouldn't be coming over, we were all just kind of exisiting. It was numbing and very sad, it was like we were all on auto-pilot.
This Christmas, I was less numb and in the fog and so I FELT more, more than just my pain. I was here for Lloyd, Greg and Journey and I could enjoy them opening gifts, and I can actually rememeber hearing what they saying and smile for them. and with them. But I also remembered more about Christmas morning. I had your picture, nana's, Greg's, and Shelby's under the tree.I woke up early and was trying to get everyone up to get started. I did more this year too, for myself and the kids. We decorated our regular Christmas tree, and we went to your garden and decorated it too. We decorated our home with candles, snowman, and snow globes, it was a lot more festive for sure. It still had the sting of our loss of you though, I think it always will. It was lonely without you here.
But on the 22nd there was a depression that came over me and went through me, like never before, it was so strong, I didn't feel like I could recover from it. It wasn't good Nick, not at all. A big part of me just wanted to go be with you.
Well there was a lady on POS that sent out a scriputer Isa.61 And even though I knew something had shifted in me on the morning of the 28th,but I still couldn't quite figure out what it was, or why I felt different that morning, or what compelled me to just get up and put my worship music on. That scripture has given me comfort many of times in the past, but I wasn't thinking about on that morning. The little devil would rather me not, but GOD IS BIGGER than him. I was reminded by this woman Gabreille who has a strong faith in God, the scripture she sent out in her posting later that night. The of the oil of joy (gladness), the garment of praise instead of (burden)or heaviness, comfort for those who mourn, and an (ornament) yes ornament of beauty instead of ashes. Finally 3 days after Christmas I pulled out of that depression that overwhelmed me and nearly took me to my grave. Praise God.
I woke up the morning of the 28Th which was Gareilee's son's 14 month ann. of her son's suicide. So, there I was singing and crying and singing and crying these songs out to God, first time in a very long time that I could actually feel the song in my heart and feel the Lords presence all around me, in me and in the house. Oh man I cried and sang and cried and sang some more. I had the music up so loud and Greg and Journey were still sound to sleep. But when they woke up, they woke up to a DIFFERENT moma, they knew it and I knew it. It was a calm morning, it was a different morning, a "New" morning. The atmosphere was different too I'm sure. They came in the kitchen where I was preparing them eggs and sausage for breakfast burritos. They loved that moma was making a great breakfast. And then they sat down for the next 2 hours (except to eat) and played Lego's....Together, a 15 1/2 year old boy and a 14 1/2 year old girl!!! WOW!!! Now that was awesome. They are very close and always have been. But when you died son we all suffered it alone in our own ways and pulled away a little from each other. We didn't mean to and I think it is normal, but I didn't like it. I knew it, felt it and saw it happening, and when I did I tried desperately to save the rest of my family from being consummed by this darkness and tragedy that had come into our live,and was determinded to get us close as a family once again. We are a lot closer now and things are getting better. It was a "NEW" day. I have felt different ever since. But that day I missed you terrible. I do everyday, but I was burdened. I realized God had done some heart surgery on me, and that He was doing some healing there, not only with moma but with our family son. I did wake up that morning and have "praise" in my heart for Him and less of a (burden)heavy feeling in my heart and head, and he did give me "joy" (gladness) for mourning, and I did see his "beauty" for ashes in my "living" children, Greg and Journey, playing together and laughing, and talking to each other with love. I am crying right now sharing this with you, beacause finally here was my answer and I realize what God did for me that morning. It was Isa 61, but I didn't get that message until the evening of the 28th as I read the posts on pos from that day. I am so grateful she shared it, as she was supossed to, if not for all for one. I had been trying to figure out for 3 days what happened to me that morning and how I was different. Now I knew, now I know!!! God was working out Isa 61:1-4 & 7. It was so awesome. I shall never forget that day as long as I live. It was all God and it was super natural. I don't know if I told you Nick, but about 3 weeks ago, I stopped being mad at God for what happened and asked for His forgiveness, and slowly started reading His word again. I know He forgave me and blessed my obedience to reading His word again. For He knows that all the answers to lives questions are in Him and His word. It is our manual for living. He knows that the only way I will find peace again or in this tragedy is "IN" and "Through" Him.
Anyway son, that is what happened. But I also realized that no matter how much I read His word or pray to Him, I am always gonna want and miss you. I am always gonna cry over losing you and I will never really understand why you had to go until I meet Him face to face. I can't wait for that reunion in heaven for it will be glorious, the celebration of all time. I will see you, my mom, my brother and my ShelbyPaige, and all the angels. Together we will worship Him and sing songs of praise to Him and worship Him FOREVER and EVER, Amen.
I miss you my love, I miss you everyday hour of everyday still.
But until I do I am gonna give it my best effort to rememeber your love, our time here on earth together and all the good things and gifts we shared. Because of you Nick, my life was more beautiful, joyful, richer and complete. I shall always be gratful to have had you as my son, and to have shared the most precious 25 years of your life with me. I will never be sorry for that, they were beautiful.
I will write you later my handsome boy. I miss you Nicky, I miss you still so very much. Until next time, hugs and a million kisses to you my love.
"Sweet Dreams" son sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~
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