Hi my son

Today was a hard hard day son!!!
We have had your Repsol listed for months. 2 days ago a man called from Seattle asking about it, and today he came down and bought it!!! I was devastated. I know it's just a bike, but it is more than that to me, it is another piece of you that is gone now, that I let go of, and it was so damn hard!! I cried and cried, and was angry with the man. It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet.
This whole month has been so hard babe, so hard, because it was rough for all of us before you left for Ca with your Dad.
I just wish I would have locked you up for a while and thrown away the key, until you were well. Just as I have and your brother and sister has had to walk, go, cry, kick, fight, scream, fake our way through "losing you," I wish so much that you could have done that with Shelby.
I know what it is like to feel crazy in my head over losing you. I know what it's like to hurt so bad from missing you, that my body is sore for days after whaling over you for 2 hours straight. I know, I know what it's like, and it sucks and it hurts and I don't like it. I am grateful that I haven't lost my ever loving mind, serious and ended up in an Institution, or wasted on drugs and alcohol. I am grateful for that son. I have to struggle through everyday. I make a conscious choice everyday to get up, get out of bed, take a shower, eat, and DO SOMETHING good or productive, when I don't feel like it or want to because all I can seem to see or think about is you, you, you!!!
I have forced myself to do for us, do for myself, and to do for Greg and Journey. They are my waking force. They are why I say yes everyday to the messedupness in my head and life everyday!!! There are good points in my life, and good people and good things, but it has been a chore to accept and receive them for all of us. They deserve a good life, a good moma, and a good role model. I have always wanted to give that to my children, and I believe I always have, but my faith and my hope has been tested, not by God but by circumstances. I am determined to not allow my circumstances to become who I am or we are. But to become people of greater valor, kindness, understanding and love for others in this world. Our lives count just as yours did Nick, so I need to make sure Greg and Journey still get a fair shake. I have to do this, if only for them for now. Some day Nick I don't know when, but some day I hope I can get through the day without being torn in two, missing you, and being with them.
Some days are very very rough, others I get a reprieve. Today was a day of anticipation and dread, I knew your bike was gonna sell, and it hurts to not be able to hang onto it. Secretly in my heart I would have loved to give that bike to Greg or Journey when they got older!!! That's not gonna happen now, it makes me sad.
I asked God to have Mercy on my soul last night. i went out side and stared at the stars in the sky and asked God which is harder to do Lord, "Hold the stars in the galaxy or heal my broken heart. and He said neither, I am your Lord your God and I can do them both, I am able, more than enough, neither is hard for me. I am healing your broken heart even though it may not feel like it I Am. I love you and trust me. Life is rough right now son, I want you here and Shelby, and for none of that bs to have happened and come about. I don't know yet why this has happened, and I may not know until I get to heaven. So, until I do know why, I must ask for HIM to help and heal me so I can go on without you, and allow him to heal the hurt and repair the damage.
There was a let up of pressure on my heart today in aching for you, I have been looking closer at suicide and what it "REALLY" is and why it's still a bit taboo, especially in our schools where our children are!!! I am appalled that adults are acting afraid of it and not discussing it or taking it more serious considering every 18 minutes another teen succeeds in it, and every 43 sec, another one tries. My heart was focused on trying to understand things better, but as soon as I knew that man was coming to get your bike, I got really upset again. For me its, two steps forward and one step back. That way I am still one step ahead. If I don't think like his then I can get pretty stagnant, and depressed. I have to believe I am progressing, even in some small way.
I miss you so freakin much Nick, I am angry today, at mental Illness, I am angry with drugs, you know why son...because that is what took you. I know it started off with grief, anger and pain from losing Shelby and a little here and there of this or that would lighten the pain load for a minute. But then It was everyday and it wasn't doing a bit of good, in fact it started making things worse for all of us son, and you couldn't see it, no one could really see what the hell was happening fully. Had I known then what I know now about mental illness, drugs and suicide....I swear it might have been different for us all. I can't help but think that way Nick, I am so damn wounded by your passing away I can't even hardly take two straight breathes in a row without having tears well up in my eyes or my stomach to start shaking from the would of's, could of's and should of's. UGH!!!
I miss you and I miss you and I miss you. I love you and miss you so much.
i want the pain to go away, I want to go through a day when I don't break out with tears and I can't control them.
Yes I do have Greg and Journey and they are enough, and they are more than beautiful and loved. But what people don't understand is this... it doesn't matter how many more lovely children you have because you love them all the same, I sure do, but you will always miss that one that is no longer among you in your everyday life! I miss YOU.
Greg and Journey have been amazing pillars of strength for moma, and for our family. Shelby dieing and you dieing right after caused these two to grow up a lil bit faster than we wanted them too. They saw, felt, did things in life as a mother I have tried to protect them from all along, hurt, death, rage, judgements etc.... they have tasted the sting of death in their precious innocent worlds real early. I know they have felt that you may not have loved them or me or life to stay here, but that is not true. I got a chance to talk to Greg a lil more today, thank you Jesus for him sharing with me.
All I have to say about that is, God must have these amazing plans and a future for both of them to bare such weight on their heads and hearts in their tender years. What will become of all of this my son, what?!!!
I better send this off Nick or it will be the noon tomorrow before I stop writing. I swear I could write you all day sometimes.
I miss you so son.
I miss you more than you could possibly have ever known.
I miss you and love you beyond tears.
i love you baby,
I love you more ~moma~