I love you son, I miss you.

October 25, 2009
Hi sweet boy,
I miss you!I love you son, and I really miss you!!!
The sun is out today, it's a bit cool out, but it's nice. I love how everything is changing colors right now, all the trees, hills and bushes are browns, greens, reds and yellows...beautiful. When I think about how pretty it is to me here, I really start to wonder, just how beautiful it is where you are!!!
I miss you Nicholas, and I still can not believe you are gone. Sometimes when I think about Shelby dieing, then you, I get angry and ask myself, why were we denied the opportunity to experience "grand parenthood" and you being a Daddy. I see all your friends, Josh, Christian, Chris, Jo, etc...married, happy, having kids, carrying on with their lives...then there's Nick, Jess and Shelby. I just don't understand all the pain, and suffering...you went through, were going through!!! I get angry son, I get so angry. I try to put things in perspective, but nothing makes sense, then I get even madder. How am I supposed to put this in perspective?? You should be here!!! Shelby should be here, that's what makes sense to me. Nothing else makes sense.My heart is tender today my mind is a bit angry, and my body is just tired.
I look back over the past year and cannot believe you and shelby aren't here, but that it has been that long since you been gone. Wow Nick, really!!!I have to stop writing for a minute cause I am very upset this morning. I look around this morning and see the remnants of your party Friday. Its all too much for me..still. It takes so much emotional energy to bring it out and it takes even more to put things away. I feel the let down today, and it hurts. I was thinking yesterday, what the hell have we been doing for the past year!!! All of us... walking through a stinking HAZE?
I love you my Nick, I love you so much and its that love for you in my heart that makes it hurt so bad still today, because I cannot give it to you, I feel like I have been saving it all up and when you get back, I will be able to give it to you, I've just been saving it all up. I do realize you aren't coming back, so how can I give the love I have in my heart for YOU to someone else??? That is the question Nick! How do I convert this contained love into good energy that I can use, give and feel today. Help me Lord to love freely, live lightly, laugh loudly.I love you so much and I miss you unbelievably. I miss you baby, I miss you bad. I will always love you my Nick, I will remember you just as I have always known you...Beautiful, Intelligent, Passionate, Loving, Giving, Funny, Lovable, Fearless, Happy, Random, Handsome, and MY SON forever, even in death.
I love you more ~moma~