Nick

I love you son and miss you madly!
I had a long and great conversation with your "sweets" on the phone this morning. We don't get a chance to talk or get together very often, her work, my schedule and all the painful everyday memories and living through losing you and Shelby, has been an uphill battle for all of us but for her and I it has been incredibly private and personal, painful journey...together but separate! Hard to explain, but we get "IT" and we get each other, because of who You and Shelby were to Jess and I we really do understand each others hearts more than anyone else, and I am grateful to have her in my life.
I miss you sweet son, and ShelbyPaige too. Our lives are so incredibly different without you both in it. The pain of losing you both collides and conflicts with the love you both gave to me while you were here. My heart is continuously confused, happy-sad, and growing in understanding. I will never "Get Over" You or Shelby dieing, but I will get "Through" it by the grace of God and by His might I will, I will.
I have something to share with you son... you will love this. I QUIT today!!! I quit smoking, Lord help me now to stay stopped. I know you would be proud of me son. As I have not stopped smoking since the day I got the call from you on June 29th 2008, that our Beautiful ShelbyPaige had passed. I shall never forget that phone call, your voice, my urgency to get to you, and have you fall into my arms...and you did, you both did. And I shall never forget the phone call I got from your Dad on Oct, 23rd 2008, that you were gone now too, and how I had to tell Jess to come, and to pick up and tell your Brother and Sister from school that day that you were dead too. I called Lloyd first and all I could do was cry and finally told him you were dead, and he was home in minutes. It was a blur from there for a while, in and out of consciousness ever since really. Some things I am allowed to remember right away, other things have come slowly and by friends and family. Somethings are as vivid today as they were on that day. It is all been pieced together like a puzzle. Each one of us carries a piece of you, and each one of us has shared that piece of you, and as a whole, and together we have a beautiful picture of you and your life, you were beautiful. My Beautiful Boy!!!
I miss you beyond tears and beyond human comprehension. As I am finishing up my note to you Nick, Lloyd came in from burning the tumble weeds outside and handed me a single purple flower. He said it was the only one in our entire front yard! Thank you son, for the beautiful flower today :)
I will write you later my boy. I'm going to "The Garden" today.
I love you more ~moma~