June 09, 2009
Hi my sweet son Nick,
I miss you my boy, I miss you.
God, how I miss you and my God, how it hurts like it was the morning of the worst news I could ever hear.
I know I DONT have to EVER let YOU go, ever, and I can't. That is an impossible feat for your moma. However, I do realize what I can do differently from this day forward.
Nick I have been in such pain over loosing you and the torment has stolen my joy, my light, my happiness, my hope, my energy, my strength, and my heart. To say it has comsummed me is an understatement!!! It has almost stolen my very soul, and it has definitely tested my FAITH,like nothing ever before!
There are many days that I want to climb the highest mountain and scream out at the top of my lungs take me away, take away this pain, I can't take it anymore, help me, I'm dieing, but I don't die. Even though a part of me feels like it died the day you did. The pain and agony of loosing you goes on and on. The war rages on and on and on, it is debilitating and humbling. The war of agony and defeat will not conquer my soul or faith. I will survive, and strive and thrive. We will TOGETHER hold each day and each other in it, with gentle regard. I will get past this torment. I must, I must, or I too will succumb to it's final destination if only in my mind. I can do that without letting go of you. I know this today!!! Just for today Nick, I will choose to let go of the TORMENT in my soul over lossing you, and the morning of that tragic event, all the tormenting details that seep into my mind all day long! Just for today, I will let the torment go. I will be gentle with myself, and give myself permission to let the torment go, and to know I don't have to let "YOU" go. It is a very freeing and powerful conception of health and love. I feel it is a moment of clarity, just a brief moment of light that shines in the distance that say's, it is more than okay to the torment go and embrace that light.
I miss you and I cannot change that. I ache for you daily and I can't change that. I will always love you, always and forever more and more, and I don't WANT to change that.
I spoke with Joyce again today. She IS my sanity voice. She IS my soft place to rest. She IS and has been the voice of TRUTH and LOVE from the very beginning. I needed her voice today as I realized there was a shift in my thinking this morning, and I couldn't figure it out. She helped me realize I never ever have to "let YOU go" but just for today I can decide to let the torment go and be gentle to myself. It is a good word, and the truth. I needed to hear that. I am so very greatful for her beautiful, sober, mind. She gets right to the matter and is frank but gentle with me. I know her heart I know her love for me is completely UNCONDITIONAL and NONE- JUDGMENTAL. I really heard her and I respect her. I am so greatful that God has not only preserved our friendship for 40 years, but that it has grown deeper and more loving regardless of time and distance.
Nicholas James Devine I miss you beyond the ability of human words to describe. It is beyond comprehension of any kind. You were the twinkle in my heart and eyes. You were the love of my life. You were the first person I ever loved unconditionally. You were the beginning of who I am today. Thank-you son, for giving me YOU as a gift. Thank-you for teaching me such a life long lesson, one I will always have with me wherever I go. The gift of LOVE. Thank-you for being my amazing and Beautiful Boy. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you for letting me love you. Thank-you for being mine, my Nicky.
Through this all, I wish I could kiss you!!!
Just this moment, I choose PEACE. Peace like that of the picture I sent along. Today I choose serenity. Rest in peace my boy.
I love you my precious Nick, I love you more ~moma~
Hi my sweet son Nick,
I miss you my boy, I miss you.
God, how I miss you and my God, how it hurts like it was the morning of the worst news I could ever hear.
I know I DONT have to EVER let YOU go, ever, and I can't. That is an impossible feat for your moma. However, I do realize what I can do differently from this day forward.
Nick I have been in such pain over loosing you and the torment has stolen my joy, my light, my happiness, my hope, my energy, my strength, and my heart. To say it has comsummed me is an understatement!!! It has almost stolen my very soul, and it has definitely tested my FAITH,like nothing ever before!
There are many days that I want to climb the highest mountain and scream out at the top of my lungs take me away, take away this pain, I can't take it anymore, help me, I'm dieing, but I don't die. Even though a part of me feels like it died the day you did. The pain and agony of loosing you goes on and on. The war rages on and on and on, it is debilitating and humbling. The war of agony and defeat will not conquer my soul or faith. I will survive, and strive and thrive. We will TOGETHER hold each day and each other in it, with gentle regard. I will get past this torment. I must, I must, or I too will succumb to it's final destination if only in my mind. I can do that without letting go of you. I know this today!!! Just for today Nick, I will choose to let go of the TORMENT in my soul over lossing you, and the morning of that tragic event, all the tormenting details that seep into my mind all day long! Just for today, I will let the torment go. I will be gentle with myself, and give myself permission to let the torment go, and to know I don't have to let "YOU" go. It is a very freeing and powerful conception of health and love. I feel it is a moment of clarity, just a brief moment of light that shines in the distance that say's, it is more than okay to the torment go and embrace that light.
I miss you and I cannot change that. I ache for you daily and I can't change that. I will always love you, always and forever more and more, and I don't WANT to change that.
I spoke with Joyce again today. She IS my sanity voice. She IS my soft place to rest. She IS and has been the voice of TRUTH and LOVE from the very beginning. I needed her voice today as I realized there was a shift in my thinking this morning, and I couldn't figure it out. She helped me realize I never ever have to "let YOU go" but just for today I can decide to let the torment go and be gentle to myself. It is a good word, and the truth. I needed to hear that. I am so very greatful for her beautiful, sober, mind. She gets right to the matter and is frank but gentle with me. I know her heart I know her love for me is completely UNCONDITIONAL and NONE- JUDGMENTAL. I really heard her and I respect her. I am so greatful that God has not only preserved our friendship for 40 years, but that it has grown deeper and more loving regardless of time and distance.
Nicholas James Devine I miss you beyond the ability of human words to describe. It is beyond comprehension of any kind. You were the twinkle in my heart and eyes. You were the love of my life. You were the first person I ever loved unconditionally. You were the beginning of who I am today. Thank-you son, for giving me YOU as a gift. Thank-you for teaching me such a life long lesson, one I will always have with me wherever I go. The gift of LOVE. Thank-you for being my amazing and Beautiful Boy. Thank-you for loving me. Thank-you for letting me love you. Thank-you for being mine, my Nicky.
Through this all, I wish I could kiss you!!!
Just this moment, I choose PEACE. Peace like that of the picture I sent along. Today I choose serenity. Rest in peace my boy.
I love you my precious Nick, I love you more ~moma~
No comments:
Post a Comment