Good morning Nicholas

Hi sweet son, I love you.
Today I am gonna work on reconnecting with some of my customers from work.
After a year or more of not working or connecting with my customers and friends I will be sending out a few emails today or tomorrow. I really miss being a part of "Changing Others Lives", I loved my work, it was very rewarding and I poured my heart, souls, blood sweat and tears into loving on others! To not work with others is lonely, I feel more fulfilled when I am in the public, meeting new people, building new relationships and having fun. I do miss it. But my heart also was broken and wounded deeply, how could I pour my heart into something when I didn't have ALL my heart to do so? I couldn't. I still have trepidation on weather or not I can muster up the confidence and courage, and take my broken pieces of my heart and start all over again. (
God, If this is what I am supposed to be doing , please Lord shine the light brightly in the direction I should go and give me eyes to see the path clearly. Or clearly close the door gently so I will not be led astray, Amen.)
I worked so hard to build my business and relationships. I hope I can at least let people know I am doing okay, and still alive.
It was foggy earlier this morning son, but now the sun is shinning, it's still cold out though. Oh my goodness, it is so cold. Joyce is gonna come see me in Jan or Feb, I can hardly wait. I miss her so much, and she is such a strong tower in my life, when we are together we can share for hours. I love her so much and I respect her immensely.
I bet you all had a great 50th B-Day party for Uncle Greg yesterday:) Thank you for giving everyone a hug for me Nick. Sometimes I still feel like I'm gonna crack, because my heart is still so fragile. It seems like the smallest of things upset me still or set me off. I still have a hard time focusing on staying positive and moving forward, even with all the love, support, and goodness in my life, I still struggle everyday to keep going.
I miss you soooo much son...I still cry everyday for you, I don't know when or if that will ever stop. I went to bed pretty early last night, you were the last person on my mind before I went to sleep. I missed you a lot last night. UGH!!! Some days still are just harder than others. I still have that crazy thought, that if I could have just said something different to you that night on the phone would it have changed your mind to not hurt yourself. That is so tough on me Nick, and I still somehow feel like I have failed you. I hate that. It is probably the second hardest thing I deal with on a daily basis. The first being missing my boy, my son, my Nick, Nick in my life. I do think that son. I wish I could have saved you. My life will never be quite as full as it was with you in it. I will always have a vacant place in my life and heart where you once were alive and well, that's all any good moma ever wants for her children, is to be well and live long. Perhaps God will allow the hole to be filled with all my memories and love of you. Then, maybe it wont hurt as bad. But for now Nick, it still hurts... A LOT!!! Nick, sometimes the pain, the hurt, the tears catch me off guard, and I feel like I am back to day 1, when I first learned you were gone!!! Sometimes when I am on the couch reading or on the comp. I get overwhelmed with missing you and I look up at the enlarged picture of you when you were 17, and I just cry son, and hang my head in disbelief, I say to myself "are you really gone Nick", it is still shocking to me even though I fully understand you are gone, my mind tries to say you are not. My heart hurts but also knows you are still in it!!! my head knows your gone, but tries to tell me you aren't!!! All I know is I wish I could still see you, smell you, hear you, touch you, hug you kiss you, love you. I know this too Nick, if that is what you did, then I know as God does that you were not thinking right son, and that you didn't really understand what you were about to do. I just your beautiful spirit, your love and your whole being son. I miss you:(
I better get moving son. I love you my sweet Nick, I love you so much. I miss you terribly and I will always miss your love in my life. I am grateful though for all the "love you gave to me" when you were with moma. I will hang onto your sweet love forever.
I love you more ~moma~