Hi my Beautiful Boy

Yellow, the ribbon color of Suicide.
Hi baby, I miss you.
Wow I have so much on my heart today.
I had a very rough night last night! I was just thinking about you, your life and how very unfair things got for you regarding Shelby. The past 2 days I have been researching Suicide. It's so cruel, misunderstood, and under researched. The stigma that society has with suicide is very ugly. It just goes to show how uneducated we as a society are. Most of us were raised up with our parents beliefs and knowledge of what they were taught and so on. 40 years ago we didn't know much, just that people were killing themselves, and they must be crazy! Well, that's not all of it. Today we know that suicide is not just someone going crazy or having a bad day. Suicide will not stop and will not go away by ignoring it, In the past 10-15 years there has been a better awareness of the number of deaths by suicide. It is astronomical. Through research we have begun to understand why otherwise educated happy, loved, people of all age, race, and gender would actually think in their darkest hour that the way out was by taking their own lives. People who take their lives don't want to die as I know Nick you didn't. They, YOU Nick, just wanted the PAIN to stop. You didn't know or see another way, or believe there was anyone or anything that could help you... that's hopelessness:( In the U.S. alone, every 15 minutes someone completes suicide. That's 4 people every hour, and nearly 100 deaths every day. This is an atrocity. The number of people dieing everyday is staggering. Considering suicide (depression)is a treatable condition and is a PREVENTABLE death. There is no cure for suicide, but there is help (by identifying the underlying suicide risk and treating it )available for our loved ones.
Nick, I know now "WHY" you went away. I know. I understand, and because I fully understand it does help, but it also hurts. It hurts to know that you HURT THAT MUCH!!! I can say you did commit suicide, I have never denied that, but I can say it with complete compassion, without guilt, shame or blame. I know you died of a broken heart after losing your baby. I know that you died of Extreme Hopelessness, Deep Despair, and Major Depression. I bawled my eye balls out last night son, because my heart hurt for you KNOWING what you felt and thought. I had a real good cry with the new insight. Oh man did it hurt to know, to really know your pain son. No wonder it has hurts so much, when our children suffer...we as mothers suffer too, for them and with them! But it is a part of My Healing Journey, and necessary if I expect to heal and help others, in which I do.
My heart is sad today, but also I have found a new peace, a new strength and a certain relief in all this. As much as it hurts, I know you were hurting worse. I am sorry that I couldn't help. I am very sorry. Unfortunately, I like most people, didn't understand suicide. Plain and simple. It hurts to admit that but again son, I know now and I pray that God shows me the way to reach out and help others. Those who are a suicide risk and the survivors of those who have completed it.
I miss you so much son, I know I will never get over this grief, it will be with me for life. But I also know that it will change, get different, and ease up in time with healing and knowledge of what really happened and why.
i love you my sweet Nicholas James, I love you so much son, so much. I miss you beyond words of comprehension.
I will write you later son.
I love you I love you more ~moma~