Beautiful Boy

Hi my Nicholas James,
I Miss you!!!
I swear son, your suicide is heart wrenching to say the least. I think I'm moving ahead a few steps and a tidal wave, NO, a tsunami comes out of nowhere and I find myself struggling to stay afloat all the memories trying to drowned me again, and there is no life preserver to grab onto. Like a tsunami my thoughts and emotions are unrelenting, powerful and damaging.
My goal this week Nick is to learn all that I can about suicide. The more I know about it the better I will understand how such an atrocity can occur over 33,000 times EVERY year!!! How You Nick my beautiful boy would die of such a brutal unprejudiced death.
I need to understand. I want to understand. I must understand, to heal my angry broken, aching heart and mind. Yet the more I learn the more angry I get at suicide the disease, the mental illness, the unfair torment of your mind and soul. It is relentless, painful and cunning. It is baffling, powerful and fleeting. It seems to come and mess things up in a matter of minutes and then it subsides until it returns, and it always returns. You don't know your brain is sick, you only know you hurt and that you want it to stop and that it seems there is no relief in sight. I didn't know how to help you, even if I did would you have accepted it or believed me?! I don't know...I don't know!!!
I only know that it brings on more anger the more I learn and at the same time it brings a degree of relief, however brief. I guess that's the way it's gonna go, big doses of pain and agony followed by small temporary doses of healing and relief.
I want the grief to STOP...but it won't.
I miss you so much my precious son, my Nick my Nick, how I long for you always.
I love you more than love could ever love another human being.
Good night son, sweet dreams.
I love you more ~moma~