June 15, 2009
You were heavy on my heart the last few days Nick, and when I get like that I close up cuz I don't let G&J to see me that way much anymore. Days like that I feel like I could cry a river as long as the mississippi and as wide as the grand canyon. So, I throw myself into something, anything to not think about your absence. It is a temporary diversion from my mental status,longing for your love. I am asked a lot by Lloyd, what are you thinking when he finds me staring off somewhere...I just shake my head when he asks now, I don't tell him what I'm thinking when I am thinking of you or that night or any of the aweful things and feelings the following few months afterward. I just don't think anyone gets it, me or how this has affected me personally, and our immediate family here. Nicholas we miss you so much honey, sometimes I still tell myself or imagine to believe you are just away for a while. I am crazy without you son, just another crazy moma trying to get along in life without you. Today I am gonna take flowers over to the Garden, I haven't been all week. She could probably use some fresh flowers. Your stone should be in soon Nick, I am kinda nervous about it, but I know it will be ok, and it will get here when it needs to. I am planning to go to Ca. but hope the stone gets here after that so I don't have to worry about it while I'm gone.The kids are cleaning their rooms real good. They are enjoying sleeping in. That's all apart of summer isn't it?!Well, I'm gonna finish up the laundry I started and get busy with the rest of my closet. I will write you soon Nick. Oh yea, real quick. I had a youger girl ask me about my portrait on my back, I showed it to her and she said, "wow, he's very good looking" and I said yes honey he is!!! I miss you so much my handsome boy. I love you baby, I love you more ~moma~
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