June 02, 2009
Good morning my Nick,
I love you my son and miss you as always.
I sit all the time in such disbelief that you have been gone over 7 months. Then, I wonder how I haven't lost my mind for good. I cannot believe that we have come this far.
In the beginning I couldn't believe I could get THROUGH this. I realize I will never get over losing you and Shelby, but I just might make it THROUGH. My mind has played some tricks on me along the way, but I sort through everything the best I can. I know I can't get around it, or over it. I must go through it. Everyday is painstakingly hard. Everyday, my memory is improving, so much of the first 6 months has been a blur. I have 25 beautiful years of some of the most amazing and happiest times in my life. One that I am most proud of is "YOU" making me a moma for the very first time.
Another one is, me having the honor and pleasure of being your moma. I was so much more than blessed, I was blessed beyond any kind of expectation of what you were gonna be like, look like and grow up to be. You made me proud Nick. You were a great son.When I was 3 months pregnant I came down with the chicken pox. I don't remember having them as a child. When I told my moma I had then she confirmed that I never did come into contact with them as a child. It was so miserable having those things all over my body. but what scared me the most was this, it was very dangerous for the baby in the first trimester to have that. Everything ended up being just fine. You were so healthy. I woke your Daddy up at 4am and said I think it's time. I remember the whole week before that morning how I had cleaned and cleaned that house as they say you do when your ready to have a baby. They call it "nesting". So, off to the hospital we went. you were 2 weeks late according to the dr's, but you were right on time for us. you were born at 4:10 in the afternoon. you were 8 lbs even and 19 1/2 in. long. In your very first hospital picture both of your eyes were open and both of your fists were up near your face. You were so alert and you were happy to be here. I was 19 and a few months when you came along. All I knew at that time was "YOU" were perfect. You were Healthy, Alert,and Beautiful, AND you were mine. As you grew you were even happier, even more beautiful and smart. You played well and slept well. You were an excellent baby. My beautiful first born. I was indeed blessed by your life Nick, a gazillion times over. You were and always have been "so full of life". That is and probably will always be one of the most difficult aspects of your death, you ended things. However, I know a part of you was already gone the day your Butterfly flew away. I know you felt as if there was nothing to live for, I felt it too with you. Even though we have so many others that we love and that love us, we do feel alone. I know you felt like your heart was being torn out of your chest one little fiber at a time. I still feel that way. I know you were angry. I know you were devastated beyond belief. I know you were angry with God, yourself and the world. I was too. I know you were broken in a way that NOTHING or NO ONE could fix...NOT EVEN ME. Even though I tried, and tried and tried, I couldn't save you. I never gave up and I never stopped trying. I'm sorry Nicholas that you had to experience such pain in your life, it wasn't fair and nothing about it seems right, not even today. Here you were with this beautiful family and one day it all came crashing down. Everything that you and jess had built up to that point was so beautiful, and then suddenly it was just gone. I will never understand that...ever!!! I am so very greatful that you got experience the most amazing feeling in the world. That got to experience the miracle and birth of "your" child. To touch and to hold your very own child in your arms, and to feel their love for you instantly. You experienced that pure, unconditional, innocent love of your very own baby. You were an amazing Daddy to ShelbyPaige Nick. Why she had to leave, why you followed...I will never know.
I will see you again my sweet precious son, in Heaven some day. I miss you so very much son. I will write you later. I miss you I love you more ~moma~