I miss you more

July 07, 2009
Good Morning Nick,
Hi my sweet Nick, I miss you.
Wow, am I glad it's a "New" day. Yesterday was beyond hard. I expect to have those aweful days on the 4th or Ann. or Christmas etc...but man this day came out of no-where and hit me so hard all day. I thought I was gonna lose it...really. I did not feel stable all day. I'm glad it's over.
I am feeling better today son.I wish I could hug and kiss you, I miss you so much. I miss the smell of your skin, I miss your bright smile smile (tears) and I miss your most beautiful hazel eyes. I miss your beautiful handsome face. I miss your love...I miss YOU!!!I almost resent this comp, because I come and sit down to write you and I feel better it is all out of my head, but I walk away disappointed...knowing the truth. I feel trapped somewhere between this world and yours. What would we call that place.....HELL??? Sometimes it feels like I'm in a living hell, wanting and missing you and yet greatful and blessed for who I do have. It is almost wicked one is to endure such agony. I know why you are gone Nick. I'm sad that you are gone, sad beyond words, but greatful you suffer no-more son. Your beautiful heart and soul are at peace.
Nicholas I want you to know that you never deserved all that grief and pain, never. You deserved only the best in life. It hurts my soul still today to know you ever experienced one single moment of grief or pain in the loss of your precious baby. However I am greatful you got to experience the power of love, unconditional love that of your own childs. You were an amazing Daddy and I knew you would be son, I never would have thought in a million years, it would have been so short lived. I am still angry about that. It doesn't seem natural, not for one freaking second!!!
You know I was telling your Auntie the other day, that Nana lived 6 years without her son, and though she was different, she still loved while she was here. I can only pray that I have more LOVE in me than grief. There is so much I wish I could share with you son...You have no idea. I miss you terribly Nick. Believe me, I have thought about spending the night in the garden. I don't want to get in trouble though. I don't know what God's plan is but the part where you and Shelby disappear sucks!! Maybe someday I will be able to make better sense of it all. IDK.
I love you so much Nicholas and I miss you like crazy. I will write you later Handsome Nick.
I love you more ~moma~