Hello my Nick

Nicholas my sweet boy,
I love you baby, I miss you madly!!!
I come here everyday to write because I NEED to pour out my thoughts, my soul, my heart, my heart aches, my grief, my sorrows, my love for you, and my moments of joy. There's always something new to share with you, but I swear most of the time I could write whats on my heart and whats in my head regarding you, in my sleep or with my eyes closed, because it all boils down to the same thought or thoughts....I MISS YOU TERRIBLY and DESIRE to hold you so badly.
MOST days are still unbelievable and unbearable... that you are gone!!! I feel like I get electrocuted on a daily basis! It is still SHOCKING to me that you are really dead!!! Every morning I am confronted with your death as if it happened THIS very moment in time. NOTHING and I mean NO-THING or person can stop the pain. I know this is a walk I must go alone, as YOUR MOMA. I believe it is a truth that every moma who has lost a child must at some point and time acknowledge!!! A reality that is so cruel and so hurtful. I realize there are lessons and blessings to be Taught and Caught along the way, but it doesn't relieve the constant aching or harshness of my reality. No person, no pill, no thing, no drink, no potion, no magic, no deals, no way...nothing stops the pain or helps it. I only know one way...it is taking the path one fragile moment at a time. I am slowly trusting GOD, I know He is with me and He is the only answer to the horrible thoughts, memories and feelings that flood my mind at any given moment!!! Without HIM I am nothing. With HIM I will heal. But, I STILL want you back!!! It is too much for my mind to grasp for the most part.
I try to allow myself "WHATEVER" it takes to make it through another minute, hour, day,WITHOUT YOU. Weather it be denial, remembering the good times (25 years), crying from the depths of my soul, screaming out loud, memories of you, me and you, lack of food, hitting the wall, indulging in food, throwing a fit, not sleeping, not wanting to get out of bed, blasting one of your favorite tunes or just being quiet. There are so many ways that have come about to grieve my loss as a result of the pain that is forever in my soul. It will never be completely gone, but with each raw realization in trying to accept that you are not here, I believe it moves me one fragment closer to...well I'm hoping....better days and a heart that is not so wounded. The truth is Nick, part of my heart is with you, it went with you the day you died. Yes, my heart is broken, but there is a part that is missing...gone forever. It's a vacant spot that will remain vacant. Nothing or no-one can fill it in. That is what I am trying to learn to live with...the giant invisible hole. It is something that is felt not seen!!!
I miss you doesn't even begin to describe what it "feels" like to me that you have died. I still say to myself....really, is Nick really dead?! I have to say the word DEAD, because if I don't I pretend you are on a trip, or out of the country, or "away" for awhile. Denial, denial, denial!!! It helps me through when I can't seem to say DEAD. I don't want to BELIEVE it...EVER!!! It hurts my head, my heart, my feelings. It makes me hurt for Greg, and Journey in particular, and the rest of us who loved you deeply. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
At times I feel like I am an actor in a movie, and I am being told what to DO next or what to say, or where to go, I am being directed without any thought of my own. Other times I have to MAKE myself say and DO things, because they have to be said or done. Sometimes the reality of your death is so real that all I can do is "CRY OUT" with all that is in me to release the agony pressed against my shattered heart. My dreams and hopes for you are gone and no more. I can barely write it, but it's true!! Vanished!!! My heart is sick about that!!!
I think I'm done for now. I never know what is gonna come out when I begin to write you baby, but I cannot hide or pretend or hold it in...it hurts even worse...trust me I KNOW!!!
I miss you I miss you I miss you.
I love you more ~moma~