November 28, 2009
Hi my Beautiful Nicholas James,
I love you and miss you baby. I think of you ALL the day long, most of my thoughts of you are good ones, happy, loving, and warm, but I am reminded with each thought baby that YOU ARE AT PEACE!!! THAT and THAT alone that you ARE at PEACE, helps me get through everyday. But I must be honest son, I still have sad thoughts of you the pain you went through and how you hurt yourself, and that you are not here with us.
I read and write the POS posts daily. I am reminded by other grieving, crazy feeling, yearning, angry sad moma's and Dad's that HOW I feel WHAT I think and every thing I am going through with your death, is NORMAL. I'm not crazy, I just feel like it. I am and always will grieve over you. My POS support group is amazing, and if it were not for them I don't think I would be where I am with my thoughts today...I know I wouldn't!!! They UNDERSTAND me, they KNOW my hurt, they too are or have walked my path of pain and sorrow. Together we help each other, there is always someone on line either at the group or in chat, they are my second life line, God, LLoyd, Greg and Journey are my first life lines, my reasons to get out of bed, my reasons to eat and take care of myself, my reasons to get out of bed, my reason to breath, my reasons to go on, to want to live, love laugh and make it count. THEY are my reasons for living, they are my hope and my help.
i know you want me to be healthy and happy son and I am doing it for YOU too. I know you don't want me to shed tears, but I do because I miss you. But I hear your words so clear, "Don't be sad MOMA, I am happy" They keep me going Nicholas. I know you never meant to hurt me, grieve me, or cause any of us pain or sorrow, I know that son, I know you only wanted the pain to stop, and for you it has, and for me...it is easing slowly, but it is easing.
I miss your love so much Nick, Nick.
I will write you later my lovely one, my Beautiful son.
I love you more ~moma~