I miss you sweet son:( If I let you go son, will you come see me in my dreams??? I want to kiss you and hug you son!!! I will hold you close always and deep in my heart but let you go to be at peace...for you and me!
I want you so badly son!!! The ache in my heart and soul is crushing- it feels like I am suffocating- just to breath in and out is something I have to tell myself to do when I have an attack. I go from, ok to angry to sad to down to pissed off to depressed to devastating to a fit of violent rage to ok to a screaming outburst to numb to hurt to disbelief to unthinkable pain to a panic attack to being completely still.These are just words, what I "FEEL" can never be expressed!!! The turbulence my body experiences is indefinable....really. I swear I do not know how we Moma's and Daddy's get through this!!!! I do KNOW your mind, your head, your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your boby was so wounded!!! I know son, I know, and I am so sorry baby that you ever felt 1 flipping ounce of that pain, it just should not be. If I had the power to save you, heal you, take it all away, make all the bad thoughts, hurt and pain disappear, I would have in a moment, I would have given my life for you to be alive and well sweet boy, so you could have a longer more perfect beautiful life, here with your brother and sister, Jess, and everyone. I don't, didn't, and never will have that kind of power, and that is part of the turbulence in my life is I am, was and always will be powerless over certain things in my life!!!
Then I have moments of you, your life, your love, your smile, your touch, your hugs, your laughter, your voice, your humor, your beautiful spirit, then I smile because... I am reminded that not only did I know, but I was blessed beyond imagining to have LOVED (for 25 yrs) one of the most Beautiful, Compassionate, Smart, Loving, Creative, Giving, Caring, Kind, Funny, Passionate, Gentle souls that ever lived. And God chose me to be "YOUR" moma Nick and He chose "YOU" to be my beautiful Boy...my honor, my pleasure, my blessing. I miss you beyond description!!! I just kiss and hug your big picture, and sometimes I hold my hands close and tight to my chest, because you are in my heart and there I can hug you too:( You are still here in my heart...forever!!!!
I miss you so much baby, my Nick, my Love, my Son....I miss you.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
I want you so badly son!!! The ache in my heart and soul is crushing- it feels like I am suffocating- just to breath in and out is something I have to tell myself to do when I have an attack. I go from, ok to angry to sad to down to pissed off to depressed to devastating to a fit of violent rage to ok to a screaming outburst to numb to hurt to disbelief to unthinkable pain to a panic attack to being completely still.These are just words, what I "FEEL" can never be expressed!!! The turbulence my body experiences is indefinable....really. I swear I do not know how we Moma's and Daddy's get through this!!!! I do KNOW your mind, your head, your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your boby was so wounded!!! I know son, I know, and I am so sorry baby that you ever felt 1 flipping ounce of that pain, it just should not be. If I had the power to save you, heal you, take it all away, make all the bad thoughts, hurt and pain disappear, I would have in a moment, I would have given my life for you to be alive and well sweet boy, so you could have a longer more perfect beautiful life, here with your brother and sister, Jess, and everyone. I don't, didn't, and never will have that kind of power, and that is part of the turbulence in my life is I am, was and always will be powerless over certain things in my life!!!
Then I have moments of you, your life, your love, your smile, your touch, your hugs, your laughter, your voice, your humor, your beautiful spirit, then I smile because... I am reminded that not only did I know, but I was blessed beyond imagining to have LOVED (for 25 yrs) one of the most Beautiful, Compassionate, Smart, Loving, Creative, Giving, Caring, Kind, Funny, Passionate, Gentle souls that ever lived. And God chose me to be "YOUR" moma Nick and He chose "YOU" to be my beautiful Boy...my honor, my pleasure, my blessing. I miss you beyond description!!! I just kiss and hug your big picture, and sometimes I hold my hands close and tight to my chest, because you are in my heart and there I can hug you too:( You are still here in my heart...forever!!!!
I miss you so much baby, my Nick, my Love, my Son....I miss you.
I love you more...forevermore ~moma~
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